To be annoyed at other women’s responses on changing my name when I got married

[Footywidow]

I took my husband’s name when I married. My DH couldn’t of given a shit what my name was but I’ve always liked the idea of my family all having the same name and I have no heritage with my name (DM changed it by deed poll so I’m not actually blood related to anybody with that name). I just preferred DH’s name and it went better with what we wanted to call our children.

Whenever it’s brought up at social occasions/work etc it’s like I’ve done a massive disservice to all women and I’m now a possession of my husband.

I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights but surely the whole point is that we have the freedom to choose what name we want and not just having to change our name because it’s expected.

I just find it so strange that other women get so worked up about someone’s decision about their own name which is so personal when they themselves have chosen it.

I don’t understand the nonsense about names. Whats the big deal about keeping a parents name rather than one of your own? In the majority of cases your name is only your name because your mother took her partners name, though of course there are exceptions. It would make more sense if names were passed down through the female line.

@Footywidow

It sounds like you are highly educated and have an important career- so it will be rarer for women at your level to take their spouses names.

From a professional point of view, it can be genuinely confusing for people who may not know you so well- I have been in a situation where two of us were talking about the same ‘Emma’ without realising but one knew her by maiden name the other by changed married surname. It’s expected in my line of work that even if you’re Mrs Smith at the weekend you’ll remain Miss Jones at work so depending on your industry it could lead to genuine misunderstanding. I’d just promptly and politely correct them.

When people challenge and say women still do that? Just say yes, if they choose to. There’s a whole debate to be had, playing out here, but that’s not their business. If you’re up for argument you could invite them to explain their comment.

I am somewhat sympathetic to the irritation. But the field is tilted and some people need to buck this expectation in order to change this expectation. I put a note in our wedding invites explaining I was keeping my name, mentioned it at wedding, have been down at wedding seating plans by my correct name and yet still years later I still get called Mrs bloody Smith!

@Flatpackback

I don’t understand the nonsense about names. Whats the big deal about keeping a parents name rather than one of your own? In the majority of cases your name is only your name because your mother took her partners name, though of course there are exceptions. It would make more sense if names were passed down through the female line.

If you're in a professional role, you've pinned your achievements to whatever name you had at the time. You have qualifications, prizes and articles all linked to that name.

Relinquishing that branding for a man's name feels like giving up those hard-won career developments for tradition.

As has been said on the thread by a prior poster, my surname is not my father's name anymore. I've made it my own.

I feel like I’m going to get a flaming for this; as I said and poster above concurred- the more professional a job you work and higher educated you are, the less likely you are to change your name.

This can create a certain kind of snobbery- that changing your name is low brow. It plays out on sooo many wedding Facebook groups asking about surnames. You get those with phd’s saying they are getting ‘Dr&Mr’ signs made, and then you get ‘carnt wait to chang mi name to mi hubby’s, it’s traidition xoxoxox’.

Obviously that’s shit and it’s just another stick to beat each other with when there are bigger fish to fry but I think is behind the comments you’re getting; it’s not thought of as the cerebral choice.

@Footywidow

Not read all the replies, but why would you give a fuck what other people think?
I got married, took my husband's name, doesn't mean you can't care about women's rights though.
Do what's right for you. Not what others think you should or shouldn't do.

I hated my family name. I had a horrible non childhood & was desperate to change it so was happy to do so when I married the ex 25 years ago. At the time it was the done thing anyway & pretty much everyone did.

I remarried 6 years ago & have, SHOCK HORROR chosen to keep the same surname as my children rather than take my DH's name. (Why should I? Its MY name now.) Its important to me to have the same name as my DC & I prefer that surname. I use DH's surname on Facebook & often double-barrel them, but not officially changed anything. The abuse I have got is unbelievable!

You don't have to identify as a feminist, OP. Sorry if that bothers anyone but it's true - supporting the cause itself is great, but you don't need to label yourself as such if you don't want to.

As for changing your name, it's totally fine - I'll end up coming up with a new last name down the line I think as I don't like my familial links. There's judgement on both sides so take it with a pinch of salt!

FuckYouCorona I think you sum up what I meant, you can call yourself whatever you want and it’s no ones business but your own. Equally I can just be addressed as Flat Backback no need for Dr, Mr, Miss, Mrs, MZ,or MS. It’s time we dropped these titles completely and then people wouldn’t waste their time getting so worked up about them.

My point was that my children have my name, me and their dad just have the same name
You and your kids have the same name because you changed yours. There is no shame in that, so why lie?
Also there is no such thing as a maiden name anymore, you are given a name when you are born, that's your name. It isn't on loan until a man marries you, it's your name.

@user17425642134531

that we have the freedom to choose what name we want and not just having to change our name because it’s expected.

Choices are not made in a vacuum though. That is why people get frustrated with the same contrived reasons being trotted out for a woman oh-so-coincidentally "choosing" to do what she has been socially conditioned to do with a man who never even contemplated making that "choice" himself.

This - did you husband go through the same thought process as you? It is a feminist issue.

However I react inside my head when I hear a "feminist" has changed her name to her husband's. To do otherwise, unless there's a situation that opens up this discussion, is rude.

Of course YANBU to do whatever you like with your name.

YABU to beoieve that everyone sees it as a neutral act.

And YABevenmoreU to think that a couple of comments mean that yo're doing a 'massive disservice'. I think you have completely overreacted.

You've chosen the patriarchy-friendly option (yes it is a feminist issue). Use another part of feminist thought, and own your personal decisions. Not expect everyone to ignore them

You're bothered about this - enough to use hyperbole in the OP to try to win people over. Perhaps the issue is within you? Might be worth deciding why you can't take it well when others express a contrary view on a topic where the range of different views is pretty well known and very obvious

@modernmystery

“I wouldn’t call myself a feminist”

Weird how men never make a “choice” to take their partners’ name.

No one cares what your surname is OP.

There are soooooooo many threads on this.

IME it’s not that unusual for men to change their name on marriage. I have two male friends who married about the same time I did (late 80s). Both of them took their wife’s name on marriage. One of them completely charged his name to his wife’s, the other hyphenated it with his wife’s name coming first. Both couples are still together 30+ years on and any raised eyebrows around their decisions are long forgotten.

I think you are surrounded by some very annoying and weird people. I really can't believe anyone would care that much let alone even mention it to you. But it seems op like you engage with and are one of these women yourself so no wonder this came up.

@Thecobwebsarewinning

It’s nice that anecdotally you know those people, but in general 96% of children end up with the name dad had so it’s really not a common choice

There is absolutely no law saying a name has to be patrilineal! My children will be having my surname.

And where does your surname come from?

I will answer that: it came from your father. And even if you took your mother’s name, her name came from her father.

Way too much fuss over something that is someone's personal choice, do you, not anyone else's business.

@TatianaBis

Ok so no woman ever owns her name? Even if my mother gave me her last name and I give my child mine? That still counts as patrilineal because once upon a time a man held it?

You have the horrible notion that women’s names are only borrowed from men and never owned, and quite frankly you are part of the problem.

Whenever it’s brought up at social occasions/work etc it’s like I’ve done a massive disservice to all women and I’m now a possession of my husband.

Who/where the heck do you socialise??

For a person who "wouldn't call myself a feminist" it's highly unlikely you're socialising with a bunch of bra burning, Greer loving, man hating feminizas so it's intriguing how the topic is even coming up in ordinary conversation.

Not saying you don’t own it just saying it comes from your dad, his came from his dad etc that’s what patrilineal means. Some cultures like Spain you take the maternal and paternal name. It’s not a ‘horrible notion’ it’s just a fact.

But even there, it’s still the mother’s father’s name.

You can't please everyone. I literally could not change my name when I got married and still I have family members who insist on using my "married" name.

It's incredibly rude of them to comment on a very personal choice, so I think you have the right to tell them exactly that.

I literally could not change my name when I got married and still I have family members who insist on using my "married" name.

Why not? Are you the queen?

My experience is that women are much keener to take their husband's name if they like it better and vice versa.

My best friend from childhood always hates her surname and laughed from an earlier age that she's get married just to change it. She could have done so by deep poll but this way she could do so without justifying it to her family.

I would have happily changed my name to my husband's too if it wasn't for the fact that I like my maiden name much better.