To be annoyed at other women’s responses on changing my name when I got married

[Footywidow]

I took my husband’s name when I married. My DH couldn’t of given a shit what my name was but I’ve always liked the idea of my family all having the same name and I have no heritage with my name (DM changed it by deed poll so I’m not actually blood related to anybody with that name). I just preferred DH’s name and it went better with what we wanted to call our children.

Whenever it’s brought up at social occasions/work etc it’s like I’ve done a massive disservice to all women and I’m now a possession of my husband.

I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights but surely the whole point is that we have the freedom to choose what name we want and not just having to change our name because it’s expected.

I just find it so strange that other women get so worked up about someone’s decision about their own name which is so personal when they themselves have chosen it.

You don’t call yourself a feminist. OK, which parts of feminism do you want to give up? The right to vote? Equal pay? Freedom from marital rape? The right to sign a credit agreement? Maternity leave? Contraception and abortion rights?
It makes no sense to hold the beliefs but deny the label.

Why not? Are you the queen?

I live in a country where it's not permitted.

@TatianaBis

After two generations of women passing down their surname rather than the child having the fathers surname- does that not then become matrilineal?

How can it still be patrilineal if it’s passed down the female line because it passed from father to daughter once a hundred years ago

@Sometimesonly

You can't please everyone. I literally could not change my name when I got married and still I have family members who insist on using my "married" name.

Not sure what you mean by literally couldn't. Do you mean you didn't want to? I changed my name because I wanted to. No one batted an eye lid. I agree with the PP that it says a lot about who you're mixing with. It really isn't any of their business

@newkitchen123 Not all countries allow you to change your name.

[quote Sometimesonly]@newkitchen123 Not all countries allow you to change your name.[/quote]
Well you learn something new every day. I've never heard of that

In our circle of friends we have 2 couples who married but kept their own names, one lesbian couple who just picked the name they both preferred, 1 couple where the man changed his name because his wife's name is better and 1 couple where the woman changed hers. We are fairly young and middle class though, I'm not sure that's a typical spread.

I'm not married but I changed my name by deed poll when we had our first child because I wanted us all to have the same name and I've hated my name since childhood, I loved being able to have a better one! Hope this means I can still be a feminist!

[quote TheNanny23]@TatianaBis

After two generations of women passing down their surname rather than the child having the fathers surname- does that not then become matrilineal?

How can it still be patrilineal if it’s passed down the female line because it passed from father to daughter once a hundred years ago [/quote]
Of course it doesn’t become matrilineal. It becomes grandfather or greatgrandfather’s name passed on to and by the mother.

To be matrilineal the name would need to actually derive from the female side and be passed indefinitely from mother to daughter.

Many U.K. surnames are things like Johnson - son of John, Edmundson - son of Edmund. This practice is most obvious in Scandinavia - eg Magnus Magnusson - Magnus son of Magnus. Women can be called Olafsdottir - daughter of Olaf - acknowledging their gender; but to be matrilineal they would need to be Freidasdottir - ie daughter of Freida, the mother.

I hugely regret taking my husbands name rather than adding it!

I hate the fact that my children have my maiden name as one of their surnames but have no emotional connection to MY NAME

Should have fucking double barrelled us all. Hate it.

@BawJaws

I hugely regret taking my husbands name rather than adding it!

I hate the fact that my children have my maiden name as one of their surnames but have no emotional connection to MY NAME

Should have fucking double barrelled us all. Hate it.

You still can do this though, if you hate it so much.

I feel similarly BawJaws
I am Ms Husband's name. I took it because I had a difficult relationship with my father, and wanted rid of his name, and liked the idea of our family having the same name.

I now wish I'd stayed Ms Myname and double barrelled the DC. I know double barrelling is a pain, but clearly officialdom struggles when mother has an entirely different name to her DC (even though it shouldn't).

There's also the subsequent relationship issue - I know a couple of women who remarried in their 50s, and felt compelled to change their name again at that age, as they felt it would be odd to be married to husband 2 while retaining husband 1's name. Not an issue if you keep your own .

The name derives from the female side- my mother!

@TatianaBis I’m not sure if you’re being deliberately obtuse? So it would take me having to make up a brand new last name to be matrilineal? How many generations of women need to pass on their names to be matrilineal or will they never be so because once upon a time a father bore the name?

You have a really bizarre outlook.

I am not the one being obtuse. Although I don’t think you’re doing it deliberately I think you genuinely can’t grasp the issue.

Suffice to say this is nothing to do with my ‘outlook’ it’s how matrilineal and patrilineal names work.

For a name to be matrilineal it would only take one instance of being named for the mother. But to remain matrilineal it would then have to be passed down from mother to daughter repeatedly over generations.

Ok excellent- so after some contradictions there we agree in my family it is matrilineal.

Matti names and Patrinames are a different thing entirely...I grasp fine cheers but think you have a misunderstanding of different terms.

@TheTurnOfTheScrew

I feel similarly BawJaws I am Ms Husband's name. I took it because I had a difficult relationship with my father, and wanted rid of his name, and liked the idea of our family having the same name.

I now wish I'd stayed Ms Myname and double barrelled the DC. I know double barrelling is a pain, but clearly officialdom struggles when mother has an entirely different name to her DC (even though it shouldn't).

There's also the subsequent relationship issue - I know a couple of women who remarried in their 50s, and felt compelled to change their name again at that age, as they felt it would be odd to be married to husband 2 while retaining husband 1's name. Not an issue if you keep your own .

Agree, I was quite happy to slough off a link with my horrible (now dead) dad

I didn’t consider how it felt for my own identity

Also hate sharing a name with my MIL and my SILs

My kids don’t want to change: they’re too old now and I broached the subject and they were really upset about it

You do know that the definition of feminism is equality between women and men?

True equality would mean men getting judged for choosing to keep their names and simultaneously judged for changing them. And wasting precious time arguing over and defending their choices.

Pisses me off I don't have access to a matrilineal surname, when men get a patrilineal one with a long history. Makes more sense to me that babies should take the name of the woman who birthed them. But all I can do is try to establish a matrilineal naming tradition for my family, ie subtly condition DD to pass ours on and teach her daughters to do the same.

I didn’t change my name, but of my friends who are married there is only one other who hasn’t, and that’s only because if she did she’d have the exact same name as her MIL.

Doesn’t stop people addressing stuff to Mr and Mrs DH every bloody year though

@TheNanny23

Ok excellent- so after some contradictions there we agree in my family it is matrilineal.

Matti names and Patrinames are a different thing entirely...I grasp fine cheers but think you have a misunderstanding of different terms.

No, it’s not, you seem still to misunderstood.

If you were Icelandic and your name was Helga, if you called your daughter Helgasdottir that name would be matrilineal.

Simply passing your father’s surname to your kids rather than your husband’s does not make the name matrilineal.

Really? Goodness how odd.

It remains the choice of the vast majority of women, including around 90% of my friends (not me) who are all highly educated with careers in law and medicine.

What a very strange experience you’re having, surrounded by people who find your choice unusual or worthy of disapproval.

@stairway

When people say it’s either your father’s name or your husband’s name that isn’t true is it. When women get divorced, remarried after being widowed etc they are expected to give up the ex husband’s name. No one expects a person to give up their name if their father dies or their parents divorce as it’s their name.

Erm nope!

I changed my name on marriage too. It is my name and has been since I chose it. It is even more my name than the ones given to me at birth which I did not choose.

DH is Polish. I use the exact same surname as him which causes Poles some confusion; as I am female it is supposed to end in 'ska' rather than 'ski'. So I have annoyed two groups: those who believe I should not have chosen to use the same surname as my husband because they feel that implies I belong to him and that I am buying into patriarchal bullshit, and those who believe I should have changed to the version of the surname that announces my sex. I am uninterested in either group's opinions on my name choice. I like my name, am happy with the choice I made, and really, really don't care to be told by other people what name I should use.

YABVU as a woman not to consider yourself a feminist. Google internal misogyny and see if it resonates.

As for your name, well yes that's your "choice". I'm surprised you get so much stick about it, most women I know still change their names. Hopefully that will change but likely to take quite some time.

@Shetoshe funnily enough it doesn’t resonate, if you had read my updates you would know that I very much am for woman’s rights, I do a lot for women’s rights, I don’t like the label of feminist.

[quote Footywidow]@Shetoshe funnily enough it doesn’t resonate, if you had read my updates you would know that I very much am for woman’s rights, I do a lot for women’s rights, I don’t like the label of feminist.[/quote]
Why don't you like the label of feminist?

Sorry if you think I'm being a bit of a harridan but its worth unpicking this as I see this all the time.

You want women's rights and you want to be treated equally but you don't want to acknowledge this publicly?

A lot of people simply don't understand what feminism means: they think it means being a lesbian or refusing to shave your legs or being shouty or sleeping around or whatever cliché they have grown up with. I'm guessing this is what you think as well. Usually - though not always -- these are clichés which reflect what the men in their life think about feminism because, guess what, it challenges their worldview. I'm going to take a wild guess that this is true in your case.

It's very simple. If you believe in equal rights for women are a feminist.

You can choose whatever label you like but why on earth would you want to hide this? If people around you don't understand this the problem is them, not you. By brushing in under the carpet as if it was something to be ashamed of you're effectively making it harder for other women who want equal rights. Why would you do this?

@TatianaBis

Handing down my grandfathers surname down the mother’s line to my daughter is matrilineal, but it is a patriname.

Handing my husbands grandfathers name down to my daughter would be both patrilineal and a patriname.

Calling my child Helgasdottir would be matrilineal and a matriname.

My surname is still mine, even if it is a patriname- referring to it as a choice between my husbands or fathers names implies a woman never can own a name and therefore is deeply antifeminist.

I’m getting a bit fed up now but