To be annoyed at other women’s responses on changing my name when I got married

[Footywidow]

I took my husband’s name when I married. My DH couldn’t of given a shit what my name was but I’ve always liked the idea of my family all having the same name and I have no heritage with my name (DM changed it by deed poll so I’m not actually blood related to anybody with that name). I just preferred DH’s name and it went better with what we wanted to call our children.

Whenever it’s brought up at social occasions/work etc it’s like I’ve done a massive disservice to all women and I’m now a possession of my husband.

I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights but surely the whole point is that we have the freedom to choose what name we want and not just having to change our name because it’s expected.

I just find it so strange that other women get so worked up about someone’s decision about their own name which is so personal when they themselves have chosen it.

almost all of the women in my extended family have kept their own names. My children have my birth name, and their children have my birth name. It’s not even a nice name!

I’m immensely proud of my family.

I changed my name as I like that tradition. Doesn't make me less of a feminist.

Of course it does. To adopt a patriarchal tradition is not a feminist action.

YesILikeItoo Sadly I think society does expect that yes, in order to show that you have moved on and no longer belong to your husband. I have a few distant friends on Facebook and when they went back to their own name it was sadly obvious what happened. When my widowed Aunt took her new husband’s name it upset my Grandpa, however women are not expected to keep an ex husbands name. I’m not saying I agree that you should change it if you don’t want to.

I changed mine solely for the reason that I wanted the children to have the same name as both of us. His surname was nicer so we opted that way.

For the record, addressing a letter “Mr & Mrs (husband’s full name) is traditionally the proper format. I personally don’t see why people get so bent out of shape over it, but if it bugs you then just tell the sender not to do it again. It’s not like you’re keeping the envelope anyway

SunshineCake someone said I assumed that children took their dads names. My point was that my children have my name, me and their dad just have the same name

Disingenuous or what?

And you still haven't given the context of the alleged rudeness by other women in your OP.

Yeah, but the thing about tradition is that a) it develops in a different society/culture to ours (because culture and society are not static) and b) traditions were new at some point. I do think it's a bit weird that so many women seem to think it's completely normal to change their names, it never occurred to me that I would change mine, and it seems to occur to very few men that they might change theirs. My kids have both mine & their dad's names, and they choose to use one or the other - neither of us makes any kind of deal about it.

Swapping one man’s name for another (UK surnames are patrilineal) doesn’t seem a big deal to me.

I get much more worked up about Mrs/Miss. Just have Ms and be done with it.

I agree that it’s odd just how many women find themselves making the very empowered choice to take their husbands name, and yet so few men make that same choice to take their wives name.

So many are arguing that it’s nothing at all to do with the patriarchal tradition of the ownership of women being passed from man to man. But if it’s really nothing to do with that why aren’t more couples deciding that both of them will take the woman’s name upon marriage?

I changed my name on marriage - not blindly and unthinkingly but for a number of reasons including that DH had already changed his by deedpole to his DMs name from his absent 'D'Fs and as his job requires a DBS and security clearance it made sense for him not to change his again. We received a parcel the other other day addressed to Mr & Mrs his initial Oursurname DH was bemused and slightly outranged and pointed out that I only change one name on marriage and don't generally go by "Dave".

I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights

If you strongly believe in equality and women's rights you're a feminist. That's literally the definition of a feminist.

Your friends are rude and you can do what you like. I have friends who've done both and each to their own. I would never bring it up. But I agree that secretly I wonder why women take their husband's names today.

But I'm so tired of hearing "feminism is about choice" as a catch-all riposte whenever anyone gets challenged on behaviour.

It's a choice in the narrow definition of the word, yes, ie you weren't forced at knifepoint to take his name. But its not a choice without baggage: its one which is informed by millennia of oppression and societal duress.

By all means take your husband's name if you want but don't just kneejerk to this "its my feminist choice" bullshit. Choices are political, whether you like it or not. Own it.

“I wouldn’t call myself a feminist”

Weird how men never make a “choice” to take their partners’ name.

No one cares what your surname is OP.

There are soooooooo many threads on this.

I agree that it is not a feminist choice to 'take' a man's name upon marriage.

Yes, it's your choice and if 50% of couples chose to keep the woman's name then fair enough but this is still extremely rare. I only have one male friend who has done this and he's not from the uk.

We are still so very far from equality.

Also sad to hear women proclaim they're not feminists, why the hell would you not be?

I've had plenty of negative comments about the fact that I didn't change my name - there's always going to be someone who thinks they are entitled to an opinion. I generally take the "smile and ignore" approach. What you choose to call yourself is nobody else's business and other people's opinions on the matter aren't worth getting upset over.

The feminism point is integral to and more important than your thread actually. You realise by disassociating yourself from feminism because you disagree with some views of some feminists you are conforming with the divide and conquer strategy of sone men? It’s no accident you are fearful of being associated with the views of some feminists. Some men have perpetuated the myth that anyone vaguely expecting equality is a man hating witch and if you think like that you’re one of ‘them’. You’ve been conditioned to reject feminism while concurrently stating yourself to have feminist views.

I have not disassociated with feminism, this conquer and divide means that all women must agree on the same thing and that just isn’t true. I don’t call myself a feminist because I see a lot of women who call themselves feminists who believe in superiority not equality and I don’t agree with that. I wouldn’t put up with that crap from a man or a woman.

Every day I’m glad I live in a place where no one gives a shit what name I have.

It is annoying getting crap for a choice in social and work situations, especially if someone else is bringing it up repeatedly when you don't want to be the topic of conversation.

I think there is room to discuss the issues with social ideas around names in marriage, and acknowledge sometimes we make choices for reasons beyond our ideals, without either targeting individuals or dismissing those who want to talk about this issue as just getting worked up over nothing like names have no meaning beyond the personal.

I changed my entire name. Yes, part of that was replacing the surname on my birth certificate with my spouse's which I did for several reasons from nerves about how it would look to the Home Office when on a spousal visa to his brother getting cancer. If things were a bit different, we'd have chosen a new surname together (I was very intent on changing mine, started the process at 18). Now we're the only ones left living with it in the family that we know and I've spent more of my life with that name than the one I begrudgingly got when I was weeks old. It's mine, my kids were given our name and it's now theirs to do with as they see fit. I can't ignore that I chose it in part because of the systems around me, just as I chose my other names to stand in conflict with it.

I chose to replace my an Anglicised first name with a less Anglicised one that had more meaning to me. Personal, but also political - unlike my surname, that one I've gotten shit for because wanting people to prounounce two syllables that sound like English letters isn't a bar I'm willing to lower. Especially not now I have a few more pieces of my family tree with names that are pretty much unheard of now because they'd all made the personal and political choice to pick names that fit in and for their kids to fit in more. I took one step forward on that road and then went off to the side, because I do want to make the choice not to have that part of me erased, that I'm not English and I want that respected.

Some feel the same about women feeling more comfortable not changing their surnames on marriage, that it's a long history of erasure. As I said, I don't think individuals should be needled about a done choice, but I also don't think it's only a personal choice that should never be discussed or that they're just getting worked up over nothing. Names are important, otherwise why bother changing them?

Feminism has dozens of branches. I don't think I entirely agree with any of them, but they're each a lens on the world. What benefits there are to personally and politically identifying with an ideology is up for debate, but automatically identifying yourself by a non-identity is the same and impacts the lens people are going to view the words through.

@Footywidow

I have not disassociated with feminism, this conquer and divide means that all women must agree on the same thing and that just isn’t true. I don’t call myself a feminist because I see a lot of women who call themselves feminists who believe in superiority not equality and I don’t agree with that. I wouldn’t put up with that crap from a man or a woman.

A feminist believes in equality. Nothing more or less. Why do you care if some gave differing views? Feminism doesn’t require 51% of the world to have precisely identical views. How could they? The divide and conquer approach has worked on you. You don’t call yourself a feminist. I suspect folk you know think the name thing is more about those issues with you, and are just too polite to say so.

Love how on this thread there are about equal number of posters saying "feminism is just equal rights for women" as if being a feminist was a passive mindset we all share unless we were monsters,

And then the other half are like "if you don't actively fight against your cultural norms and traditions you're not being a feminist "

I took my husband's name. Some of my friends took their husband's name. Some didn't. Normally the conversation goes like this:

"Are you going to change your name?"
"Yes/no and here's my thinking on it...."
"Cool! And what flavour is your cake going to be?"

It's really not a big deal.

@modernmystery

“I wouldn’t call myself a feminist”

Weird how men never make a “choice” to take their partners’ name.

No one cares what your surname is OP.

There are soooooooo many threads on this.

Some men do it. Me and fiancé decided to double barrel our names with mine going first as it sounds nicer. I would have been happy to just take his so it was completely his idea

@CosyAcorn

Exactly! But who cares if some think your ‘brand’ of feminism doesn’t pass muster?! Nobody died and put some feminists in charge of all the others. We can disagree and still be feminists.

It’s no accident that we grow up thinking we can’t!

@TatianaBis

There is absolutely no law saying a name has to be patrilineal! My children will be having my surname.

That’s the thing- I hate this assumption that you’ll be taking your husbands name and the line of reasoning ‘I want to have the same name as my kids’. Why can’t he take your name and have the kids with your name? Why doesn’t this happen more frequently? Unless this happens more, nothing will change.

I don’t judge my friends who have chosen to change their names, when they have actually put thought into the decision. I hate it when I’m asked about my choice to keep my name and what is shrieked at me ‘it’s tradition’. It gets my back right up.

I’m sorry that people are picking on you OP, but I do just wonder if you could tell us how these conversations come up and how they go.

The higher educated you are and the more professional a job you do the more likely you are to keep your name. People also copy what their friends do- they see what’s modelled in their society and do that- hence some people knowing all people who have changed and some not knowing any.

For me, as a woman, why is it my identity that is malleable? I was born my name, it’s on my degree, it’ll be in my grave. It’s mine, it’s who I am, and I’ll be dammed if anyone is going to tell me I just borrowed it from a different man 🙄

If you aren’t attached to your surname, it has bad connotions, hard spelling, ‘cock’ in it then fine you go ahead. But where are all these men ditching their surname for the cause of a ‘better’ name?

@Mmn654123 we are not divided. We are fighting on the same side, I’ve called out sexism in the workplace, signed petitions on equal pay, helped with fundraisers for domestic violence charities, lots of things for equality to women.

I choose not to call myself a feminist because I believe that it now has negative connotations and it’s more effective for me to argue these points without that label.

Maybe if us women spent more time concentrating on the actual issues to do with feminism instead of worrying what label someone gives themselves we wouldn’t be seen as the lesser sex.

So the comments have come about mostly at work, I am at a fairly senior level so letters go out in my name and I have office stationery with my name on so when I changed my name it was obvious to everyone at my workplace.

We go through old correspondence a lot as well so frequently my old name will appear and I will get comments at this point as well.

I’ve had a few acquaintances on nights out mention it, normally after a few drinks, when they ask questions if I’m married or not, I do get asked if I took his name (obviously I must live in an area with very strange people then if this is not a normal question) and when I say yes the normal response is do woman still do this?

I wouldn't change my name on marriage and I would give any children my surname, whatever that was at the time of birth. Honestly, I might silently have some unkind thoughts in my head, especially if you had children before getting married and gave them your partner's name on the assumption you definitely would get married (because that doesn't always actually happen).

However, I sure wouldn't make comments outside of my head, because it's damn rude to do so. I also don't like the term feminist because I also think it's been hijacked, but to me, it means advocating for women to have the right to make their own choices, even if they're not the same choices I would make.

It's a bit like that old misquoted expression of 'I disagree with what you say, but will defend your right to say it.' I disagree with you changing your surname, but if you made that decision without pressure from your husband or anyone else, I absolutely think that's your call and people should leave you to it.

I mean, what do they think you're going to do? Change your name back now? It means as a woman, you suffer the hassle of all that ruddy paperwork again. And you then have the issue of changing your children's names, which your bemused husband might not consent to, and depending on how old your children are, they might not want to change their names.

You can have a debate before the fact, but it's rude to bring it up when it's a done deal.