To be annoyed at other women’s responses on changing my name when I got married

[Footywidow]

I took my husband’s name when I married. My DH couldn’t of given a shit what my name was but I’ve always liked the idea of my family all having the same name and I have no heritage with my name (DM changed it by deed poll so I’m not actually blood related to anybody with that name). I just preferred DH’s name and it went better with what we wanted to call our children.

Whenever it’s brought up at social occasions/work etc it’s like I’ve done a massive disservice to all women and I’m now a possession of my husband.

I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights but surely the whole point is that we have the freedom to choose what name we want and not just having to change our name because it’s expected.

I just find it so strange that other women get so worked up about someone’s decision about their own name which is so personal when they themselves have chosen it.

I hated my maiden name so I was thrilled to have an excuse to get rid of it. If i had a good maiden name and married name was awful, I would have kept maiden name.

Echt, what are you talking about, you don’t make sense. Why the stupid emoticon. As for the poster who offered me a saucer of milk for stating that some women are jealous of other women who marry. Get real, it’s a fact. What alternative universe do you live in where women don’t get jealous of other women. I never stated that marrying was a career option, what has marriage got to do with work? Some Mumsnetters need to improve their reading comprehension and also stop pretending that marriage isn’t significant to a lot of women and men. The OP may be a journalist but that doesn’t negate the fact that my daughter has had nasty comments from other women about the fact that she took her husband’s name. Would anybody like to offer a reason for her female colleagues rudeness about something that had nothing to do with them?

I really am very confused to why so many here seem extremely attached to their last name and who seem to think that just changing it would eradicate all their accomplishments and achievements.

This - it's just a fucking name. It has no meaning beyond the ones you give it. Chances are your own surname comes from your father not your mother anyway, ie your existing name has come to you through the male line, in which case hanging onto it for grim life hardly seems like a badge of feminism.

Call yourself what you like, ignore what other people think, get on with your life.

(PS I know Mumsnet is a bit weird about this issue, but comparing name choices to FGM is a new one to me - that's a whole new level of batshit).

@CatsOnMySocks2

I hated my maiden name so I was thrilled to have an excuse to get rid of it. If i had a good maiden name and married name was awful, I would have kept maiden name.

Me too, @CatsOnMySocks2. Also, DH and I have 'related' surnames that would have sounded comic had we double-barrelled. I've been challenged about it as well and I don't really get it... Everyone I know who kept their maiden name on marriage has still given the kids their husbands name , so I don't feel like I'm a big traitor to feminism.

It is just a name, but your name is part of your identity.

Would people be so blase if you heard of a tradition to change your first name to the same as your husband's? Wouldn't that feel weird and wrong?

That's how changing surnames feels to some women.

Many traditions are odd if you really think about them.

I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights

You can call yourself a giraffe if you like, you're still a feminist if you believe in equality and women's rights. Get as wound up as you fancy, doesn't change it.

I also don't really believe that you've come across people EVERY TIME it's been brought up in social situations that have an issue with it. Generally, people don't give a shit what your name is. You sound like you're projecting (or protesting too much...)

I find the fact that you use 'of' instead of 'have' far more problematic than what other people think of your name!

Their comments have nothing to do with feminism.

My professional opinion would be that it’s silly after building up a work reputation in an industry to go and change your name. Very few men would consider that and few women that I work with change their name. Their name is their brand (i.e. Cherie Booth QC never changed her name even though people still insisted on calling her Blair). Nothing to do with feminism and more to do with professional norms and common sense. There. I said it.

When I got married I took my Husband's name because I liked the name and I hated my maiden name. Had my name had some signifance, I really liked it or he had rubbish name I would have kept my maiden name. Either way it was my choice. Feminism is that we have the right to choose. Noone should question you on it

@hellejuice91

When I got married I took my Husband's name because I liked the name and I hated my maiden name. Had my name had some signifance, I really liked it or he had rubbish name I would have kept my maiden name. Either way it was my choice. Feminism is that we have the right to choose. Noone should question you on it

But, you have grown up in a society where women changing their names is the norm. A society where men just don't even consider changing their names, no matter how bad it is, to the point that a man changing his name is viewed as odd, and a nine days wonder.

Your choice to change was not made in a vacuum, it was made with all of our society's attitudes to women's names in your subconscious.

And I bet that if you had decided not to change your name, your husband would not have thought "she has a point, maybe I'll change my name to hers". Changing his name would not have crossed his mind.

All those saying “oh it’s just a name what’s a big deal” blah blah I suggest you go and ask your husbands to change their names to yours then and report back with how blasé they are about the prospect

OP I would be a bit baffled that you’d changed your name professionally and extremely nonplussed if you started talking about it in a professional environment. Why would that even come up?

Maybe you only speak to a certain kind of person because I don't think I've ever known anyone not take their husbands name.
I have absolutely no problem with someone keeping their own name, but for many, many women they want to have the same name as their children and that's why they take the husbands name. This was one of the only reasons I got married!

Tealuver you didn’t have to marry to have the same name as your children. Traditionally they would take the mothers name anyway outside marriage.

For what it's worth my husband chose to take my name. I didn't ask him, he volunteered. So the process of taking a name works both ways.

I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights' this sentence doesn't make sense... if you believe the latter then you are the former.

From reading on here, it seems many people now define feminism as ‘the liberation of women’. So if you believed in equality but not the patriarchy or that women needed liberated, you could say you weren’t a feminist.

One thing to note on the topic is that it was (and might still be) common for men and women who emigrated to change their name. They often anglicized the spelling, or change it all together to fit in to a new society and get ahead financially.

My husband’s great grandfather dropped some letters on their name which made it sound German rather than Italian, while his brother retained the original name. I presume he did this because Italians were not treated well here during that time period.