To be annoyed at other women’s responses on changing my name when I got married

[Footywidow]

I took my husband’s name when I married. My DH couldn’t of given a shit what my name was but I’ve always liked the idea of my family all having the same name and I have no heritage with my name (DM changed it by deed poll so I’m not actually blood related to anybody with that name). I just preferred DH’s name and it went better with what we wanted to call our children.

Whenever it’s brought up at social occasions/work etc it’s like I’ve done a massive disservice to all women and I’m now a possession of my husband.

I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights but surely the whole point is that we have the freedom to choose what name we want and not just having to change our name because it’s expected.

I just find it so strange that other women get so worked up about someone’s decision about their own name which is so personal when they themselves have chosen it.

Whenever it’s brought up at social occasions/work etc it’s like I’ve done a massive disservice to all women and I’m now a possession of my husband

Who brings it up? How?

OP you said that the people commenting are unmarried. They haven’t had that decision put to them for real yet so they don’t really know 100% what they would do, no matter what they say.
I suspect that most will take their husbands name when the time comes. I don’t know a single woman that hasn’t taken her husbands name.

Took my husbands only once I had kids. I am lazy to be honest, it was all getting a faff, especially as living abroad.

Yet, I don't wear a wedding ring very often though. That feels more odd to me.

Conclusion is, we are all different,

Not everyone who believes in women's rights has to call themselves a feminist. Some "feminists" give "feminism" a bad name, hence women who feel they have to disassociate themselves from the movement or whatever it is, these days.

Anyone who cares whether or not a woman takes her husband's name needs to find some other interests. What a tedious thing to waste time analysing!

I find the reactions to this really odd. However I fully admit I hadn't really thought through the issue until my recent divorce. Yes it wasn't really appropriate for me to 15 years ago sleepwalk into taking exdh name.

Now though I have been considering the name change. It felt wierd to keep exdh name. It was never really my name but then I realised nor was my maiden name. It was my fathers and honestly I didn't want to keep that either. It didn't feel like my name either. Somehow when I looked at it I saw all the names ,other than picking a new name , belonged to men.

So the anti feminist argument of taking your husbands name doesnt work if people comment does it. In most cases the persons maiden name came from the same system so it's a complete non sequiter.

To that end I would generally point this out and tell them to mind their own.

I think this should be one of the last bastions of individualism. I can't bear being told what i "should " do either by a woman or a man , by a sexist or a controlling faction of feminism.

As it happens I still don't know , the closest I have got is to go with what makes tell me on the grounds they are 8 and 5 and I gave birth to them , I know DC would prefer me to keep the same name as them. For the moment,it works for me. When it comes down to it they are the only two I really care about opinion on my name other than my own.

I can't imagine why anyone comments without being asked on the issue.

@Footywidow

Yes I know what feminism is, I said I wouldn’t call myself a feminist, I’ve seen lots of women call themselves feminists on tv interviews, journals and magazines who views are basically men get away with bad behaviour so we want a world where woman do the same and I don’t want to be associated with that.

You don’t have to agree with that, that’s just personally what I choose.

By not calling yourself a feminist you are allowing misandrists to appropriate the word.

To me feminism is about being equal not identical.

You don't want to call yourself a feminist and you're not a feminist. That's fine. It isn't my stance, but you don't owe me anything on the sole basis of shared biology. And that's one incorrect assumption about feminism that does get up my hooter: this silly, fluffy presumption of a 'sisterhood', a 'girl code', and an unspoken rule that women should be compelled to support other women and their choices, no matter how damaging or silly you might think those choices are.

That's just nuts. I would never have supported an anti-suffragist. Other women are entitled not to be feminists, or to support a prong of feminism I have a real beef with. I'll argue the toss with their ideas whenever I'm given an opportunity, but they have a right to hold them.

Responding to this point by a PP:

Your pre marital name is in all likelihood your father's name anyway.

No, I don't buy it. A woman's pre-marital name is her name. It's a name she's owned since birth, and it's therefore just as much her name as her father's. No one has ever suggested that a son's name is somehow 'on loan' to him from his father, yet it's an assumption that's frequently made about daughter's.

It is, I believe, wrong.

@echt

Whenever it’s brought up at social occasions/work etc it’s like I’ve done a massive disservice to all women and I’m now a possession of my husband

Who brings it up? How?

I got married in the 1980s, and did not change my name. My surname wasn’t just my dad’s name, it was my name. I couldn’t think of any reason to change it. But in the last 30+ years, no one at work or at any social occasion has displayed the slightest interest in what my name is. Why would anyone care?

Well im divorced and kept my married name, that was back in 2007.

@Sequoiadendrongiganteum

I changed my name. No one commented at the time.

However several years later when SIL got married and also changed her name, my DH was surprised. His comment. 'I didn't think she was that type of woman.'

He meant it in derogatory way. So ok for me to take his name, but when his dsis gives up hers it's not so great.

I have regretted changing my name ever since.

Did you ask what kind of woman he meant? Fuck him, change it back, he looks down his nose at you for taking his name.

I don’t know a single woman that hasn’t taken her husbands name.

And I know of very few women who have. The friends I have who did so were all married quite some time ago. In my professional circles to relinquish your own name on marriage is rare.

When people say it’s either your father’s name or your husband’s name that isn’t true is it. When women get divorced, remarried after being widowed etc they are expected to give up the ex husband’s name. No one expects a person to give up their name if their father dies or their parents divorce as it’s their name.

Hey OP

this post is a bit off. It’s fishing for material. Spoiling for a fight. A bit whiffy.

You changed your name to his yet you say your kids have your name. So, do they have your maiden name or are you tying yourself in more knots ?

echt
Whenever it’s brought up at social occasions/work etc it’s like I’ve done a massive disservice to all women and I’m now a possession of my husband

Who brings it up? How?

I got married in the 1980s, and did not change my name. My surname wasn’t just my dad’s name, it was my name. I couldn’t think of any reason to change it.But in the last 30+ years, no one at work or at any social occasion has displayed the slightest interest in what my name is. Why would anyone care?

My point is that the OP has said others are out of order while never giving the circumstances in which this happened. If there's a general discussion about taking husbands' names, then the OP has nothing to complain about. If someone walks over to her and says out of the blue: why did you take your husband's name and let the wimmin down, then that's quite another matter.

Is that right, stairway, that I’m expected to change my name because my husband left me? What a pain in the arse. As far as I’m concerned, I changed my name, it isn’t a ‘borrow’, and I don’t see why I have to change it again.

What the hell has it got to do with them?! How rude! A lot of my friends haven't changed their names while some have, it's personal choice and affects nobody apart from you.

A woman's pre-marital name is her name. It's a name she's owned since birth, and it's therefore just as much her name as her father's. No one has ever suggested that a son's name is somehow 'on loan' to him from his father, yet it's an assumption that's frequently made about daughter's

This.

I always roll my eyes when I hear people, particularly women, say “oh but your name is your fathers names so...” to justify their decision to take their husbands.

It’s not, it’s my fucking name.

As if only men can own a name and women only ever have someone else’s.

Strange, I'm the opposite I kept my name upon marriage, I knew only one other person that kept theirs, only for a short period until she sadly caved under pressure from her husband.

Other than that no-one else, the comments I got were truly shocking, and off people I felt really should've known better. The main one being immediately turning to my husband and asking if he was really okay with it - when I was standing there, even years later. Asking if he was okay with me keeping my own bloody name!

Unbelievable.

I hated my maiden name and couldn't wait to get rid of it, so took my husband's name. Following my divorce I kept that name as I didn't want to go back to the horrible one. So when I married for the second time I changed it to the same as my new husband.

Nothing wrong with that.

Much as I wouldn't want men telling us that we change our name to theirs on marriage, I wouldn't want a bunch of feminists telling us that we shouldn't. I'll make my own mind up thank you very much.

@SunshineCake someone said I assumed that children took their dads names. My point was that my children have my name, me and their dad just have the same name.

I took my dh’s name but I am 100% certain no one who knows us would believe I’m my dh’s possession! Feminism is about enabling choice not dictating how women should behave.

I don't know anyone that hasn't changed their name.

I think it’s weird in this day and age for women to change their name to their husbands on marriage. Like being called Offred. Your birth name is your name whether you’re male or female. Change your name if you like but why to the same as your dh. It’s especially weird if women’s get married several times and change their name repeatedly. What’s with that.

Also “I’m not a feminist”. Nobody has to be a feminist but can you imagine people from any other group saying that? That they didn’t believe they should be treated equally. Very strange.