To be annoyed at other women’s responses on changing my name when I got married

[Footywidow]

I took my husband’s name when I married. My DH couldn’t of given a shit what my name was but I’ve always liked the idea of my family all having the same name and I have no heritage with my name (DM changed it by deed poll so I’m not actually blood related to anybody with that name). I just preferred DH’s name and it went better with what we wanted to call our children.

Whenever it’s brought up at social occasions/work etc it’s like I’ve done a massive disservice to all women and I’m now a possession of my husband.

I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights but surely the whole point is that we have the freedom to choose what name we want and not just having to change our name because it’s expected.

I just find it so strange that other women get so worked up about someone’s decision about their own name which is so personal when they themselves have chosen it.

@Regularsizedrudy I don’t think so, I made a decision that was right for me, even if it wasn’t the social norm I think I still would have taken his name, my family are dysfunctional and very broken, I would prefer my children to carry on a name where there’s a proper family. MIL and FIL are pretty much my surrogate parents.

@Mistymonday

I agree, in most cases you are swapping one man’s name (your father’s) for another man’s name (your husband’s). At least you choose your husband (in most cases anyway!).

But surely it’s not your husband’s name but your husband’s father’s name?

Or are you saying that names only belong to men?

Really? Where do you live that you don’t know anyone who has taken their husbands name?
I'm the same, young women in their 20' s through to women well up on their career ladder have changed their names.
I guess it's a regional thing.
I'm not in a small vacuum. I work for the areas 2nd biggest employer, i have a large social group. My children's friends are getting married. No one is keeping their name. My face book has loads of women with their first name, married name and in brackets their former name.
I guess in some areas it isn't a big of a deal as it is elsewhere! 🤷‍♀️

I changed my name when I married and I prefer my married name.

@Footywidow I'm curious what did she say exactly?
Personally I would have told her to mind her own fucking business whether you decide to change or keep your name is your choice so long as your happy with it anyone else's opinions are irrelevant. If you want to be polite about it next time just pull a and say the MN classic "did you mean to be rude?"

Try being someone whose husband took my surname ... Now that gets comments

It's entirely your choice.

I took my husband’s name and I couldn’t care less if people don’t agree with that!

It a real half and half situation for me. Half of my friends changed their name and the other half (I'm included in that category) didn't.

I kind of like that it's evenly split!

No one in my friendship group claims to care or even discusses the point.

I use my maiden name professionally and married name legally/privately . It’s great to swop between the two. Also married name is unusual and a very distant branch of the family owned the local department store ( sadly long gone). I used to love handing over my credit card to pay and see the staff get flustered.

'I wouldn’t call myself a feminist but I do strongly believe in equality and women’s rights'

So you are a feminist then? Isnt this basically a universally shared edict of feminism?

@hettie

Try being someone whose husband took my surname ... Now that gets comments

Go Mr. Hettie!

OP I support you in your stance of believing in equality and not wanting a label that has been be so politicized. Assuming you weren’t interested in marching around wearing a vagina hat, either but still strongly believe in equal pay, for instance.

They are annoying and boorish for even taking notice of your name change for any reason beyond the basic necessity of knowing. I kept mine and it’s been an odd experience.

I think people that judge women’s life choices while claiming to espouse feminism are part of the reason you don’t like the label, “feminist”

My husband took my name! It doesn't have to be either way around, just do what you like.

But please don't say you don't want to call yourself a feminist! FFS! If you belief in equality then you are one!

Isn't the whole point of feminism having a choice. You chose to change your name and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I chose to keep mine and DH changed his. It's your name, you can change it to princess Consuela bananahammock if you want to!!

I changed my name. No one commented at the time.

However several years later when SIL got married and also changed her name, my DH was surprised. His comment. 'I didn't think she was that type of woman.'

He meant it in derogatory way. So ok for me to take his name, but when his dsis gives up hers it's not so great.

I have regretted changing my name ever since.

If you believe in equality you are a feminist.

To some other posters......its not your dad's name or your mums name that belonged to her dad. Newsflash - names don't belong to men. Your birth name is as much your name as it ever was your fathers.

Most women I know who got married changed their name.

I wouldn't say it was feminist just because a women can choose now a days, due to it's history. However it doesn't make it wrong or anyones else's business. I think wanting to have a family name makes perfect sense.

@HannaYeah thank you for understanding my point. A vagina hat, now that would be an interesting fashion statement but i think I will give that a miss 🤣🤣

@user17425642134531

that we have the freedom to choose what name we want and not just having to change our name because it’s expected.

Choices are not made in a vacuum though. That is why people get frustrated with the same contrived reasons being trotted out for a woman oh-so-coincidentally "choosing" to do what she has been socially conditioned to do with a man who never even contemplated making that "choice" himself.

This.

OP Just own your choice, I walked down the aisle with my dad - I'm not going to go on like this was some ultimate symbol of feminism by choice. It was just something I wasnt too fussed about challenging at that point.

I'll be proud to take DP's name when we get married. Does that mean he owns me? Hell no. It just means we're officially family, and I'll be more than happy about that.

Choices are not made in a vacuum though. That is why people get frustrated with the same contrived reasons being trotted out for a woman oh-so-coincidentally "choosing" to do what she has been socially conditioned to do with a man who never even contemplated making that "choice" himself.*

This is a really important point. People sometimes think that feminism is only about choice. It isn't. It's also about examining the 'choices' before us, and recognising which ones are truly empowering and which ones are being imposed on us.

I personally find it depressing when women take their husband's name with no hesitation or question. But I would never say that to one of my friends who's changed her name (it's about half and half), because that's rude!

Up to you if you change your name. I personally didn’t when I was married, and wouldn’t if I were to marry again. It might be my dad’s name, but it’s mine too and I see no reason to change it, especially for that of another man.

Do you like being able to vote, and being able to work without your husband’s permission? Do you like being able to have a bank account and credit in your own name? You have feminism to thank for that.

I think the problem is assuming that OP keeping her name wasn’t a well considered choice. I despise the idea that any woman not making the “feminist” choice of keeping their name, putting career first, etc is not making a choice at all but being influenced by the patriarchy. That’s not showing an ounce of respect for the intellect of the OP or the endless number of strong women who make decisions like this with a great deal of thought and care.

In a nutshell, that’s also why I don’t call myself a feminist despite being very strongly pro women’s rights. Because I think too many people that do use the label don’t actually respect a woman’s right to craft her own life as she sees fit regardless of what is popular.

It's only on Mumsnet that I hear of people keeping their own name and making it into an issue.

It's entirely your choice. That's the point. I do find it odd that your 'friends' are so rude!