To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

Two boys? Lovely. They'll play together and get into scrapes together and buy pints for each other. Embrace it.
And they'll adore their mum. Don't let the mothers of two or more girls kid you either. Having girls can be a nightmare fir reasons that are well rehearsed here.
Congratulations. Boys are lovely.
And funny and sweet and clever.

@MadameBlobby

For all the navel gazing and self indulgence that abounds on these threads and all the justification people post there’s never been a reason posted for wanting one sex over the other than buying into gendered stereotypes.

Daughters have closer relationships with their maternal families.

Sons don't once they reach a certain age.

"A daughter is for life, a son is until he takes a wife" has a lot of truth.

Pretty vacuous to think it's just about buying "pink things".

LobsterRavioli

You’ve literally just trotted our more stereotypes. 🤦🏻‍♀️ If you’re good parents and listen to your children when they’re growing up, generally you’ll have good relationships with them when they’re older.

I would say definitely find out. A friend of mine said she involuntarily cried tears of disappointment in the delivery room when she found out she had a 3rd boy and she really regretted not finding out during pregnancy as it was such an awful feeling. She went on to have 2 more boys after that (unplanned, her husband had a vasectomy after the 3rd one) and asked each time and got over it by the time of the birth. Her boys are grown up now and very close to her, they have their girlfriends around a lot and she says it is lovely to get lots of female company in the house now.

@LobsterRavioli that statement is sometimes true, and perhaps contributes to gender disappointment in that people have expectations about a particular sex based on stereotypes. Some kids conform to the stereotypes, others don't. I'm one of 4 siblings and I'd say one son and one daughter are closer to mum and one son and one daughter aren't.

It's almost as if each person has their own distinct personality that isn't based on their sex!

I wasn't bothered either way when I was pregnant as I don't buy into gender stereotypes. I couldn't think of anything worse than "gorgeous baby girl clothes", which I suppose means pink dresses? Gender stereotypes are so awful and damaging, I think everyone should be doing their best to help the next generation grow up without the pressure of conforming to such stupid and outdated ideas.

This, with bells on. I've read many comments about bonding over 'girly' things but these are not guaranteed and it's rather sexist to expect them.

Isn’t it also sexist to assume that women only want girls because of “girly” things?

Some posters have said it’s because they had a close relationship with their own female family figures and hope to have the same with their daughters. Why is that a bad thing? Many parents hope to replicate close bonds that they have with living and deceased family members.

Some want to act as if sex preferences and disappointment is a new thing. It’s not. It has happened for centuries whether it’s been the mother, father, or both. The only difference is that parents weren’t able to prepare themselves beforehand.

As long as children are loved, taken care of and such preference aren’t made obvious, what is the issue? People can’t help how they feel, but they can help how they go about it.

I'm older and we didn't have sex scans in my day. I had this with my second one, immediate reaction was disappointment when she was born and they said it was a girl, which completely evaporated seconds later when I saw her (EMCS so I couldn't hold her as flat on my back).
TBH I think you need to try and focus on the important stuff like being born more or less at term without any health issues. The sex is less important than those and then gender will follow when they're old enough to know how they feel.

It's almost as if each person has their own distinct personality that isn't based on their sex!

Imagine that eh ?

Two boys? Lovely. They'll play together and get into scrapes together and buy pints for each other. Embrace it.
And they'll adore their mum. Don't let the mothers of two or more girls kid you either. Having girls can be a nightmare fir reasons that are well rehearsed here.
Congratulations. Boys are lovely.
And funny and sweet and clever.

Why is this always trotted out and how is this helpful? It’s not a competition. Comments like this are probably why you have some parents wanting both sexes.

Boys and girls can be clever, funny, and sweet. Boys and girls can adore their mum and dad.

Some posters have said it’s because they had a close relationship with their own female family figures and hope to have the same with their daughters. Why is that a bad thing? Many parents hope to replicate close bonds that they have with living and deceased family members.

It not a bad thing. It’s just that they should want to be close to their sons as well. It’s possible if we stop this gender stereotype nonsense.

Some want to act as if sex preferences and disappointment is a new thing. It’s not. It has happened for centuries whether it’s been the mother, father, or both. The only difference is that parents weren’t able to prepare themselves beforehand.

It’s 2020. Women can now do all the same things men can. So it’s not a new thing, it’s an old fashioned thing. I think you’ve completely missed the point.

As long as children are loved, taken care of and such preference aren’t made obvious, what is the issue? People can’t help how they feel, but they can help how they go about it.

People can’t hide their preferences and favourite child. Just read the threads on here from adult children of these parents.
Also stereotypes are so ingrained into people’s thinking, often children are exposed to them without even realising. That’s the issue. And then the cycle continues. If you really don’t get the issue, I’m not sure what to say. If you’re interested, then have a read around the subject.

And absolutely, people can’t help how they feel. I said that to OP in an earlier post. But if they want healthy thought processes and relationships they need to address it.

Some posters have said it’s because they had a close relationship with their own female family figures and hope to have the same with their daughters. Why is that a bad thing? Many parents hope to replicate close bonds that they have with living and deceased family members.

It’s a bad thing if it makes people assume they can’t have those close bonds with a child of the opposite sex.

How much of the ‘girls are closer to their families’ claptrap is because women expect that closeness with their daughters and don’t facilitate the same relationship with their sons? If you enter into a parental relationship with the attitude that you won’t be as close to your son as you would have been to a daughter, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

@Wickerbaskets

Some posters have said it’s because they had a close relationship with their own female family figures and hope to have the same with their daughters. Why is that a bad thing? Many parents hope to replicate close bonds that they have with living and deceased family members.

It’s a bad thing if it makes people assume they can’t have those close bonds with a child of the opposite sex.

How much of the ‘girls are closer to their families’ claptrap is because women expect that closeness with their daughters and don’t facilitate the same relationship with their sons? If you enter into a parental relationship with the attitude that you won’t be as close to your son as you would have been to a daughter, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It's also particularly grim because OP already has a son, so if she does have a girl then, what, she can just write off having a close relationship with her son but if she has another boy she might actually have to try? I always hope on these threads that they don't get the sex they want, as it seems like the worst outcome for everyone involved.

"It’s 2020. Women can now do all the same things men can."

What a simplistic way of putting it. Are you really implying that gender inequality no longer exists?! Women might be able to do the same jobs as men but they're still not paid as much. Women might be able to do whatever they want but they're at much greater risk of abuse and violence so they might modify what they do accordingly.

Also, at risk of pointing out the obvious, men can't do all the things women can (gestate, birth and breastfeed babies) and that's at the root of our sex based oppression.

It's pissing me off that people keep saying boys and girls are the same. They're not. It's just that the biological differences aren't (or shouldn't be) important when parenting children, and as everyone has said, a child's sex doesn't dictate what their personality or interests will be like, or what kind of bond they'll have with their parents and siblings. Of course, the tendency is for same sex siblings to be closer than opposite sex siblings, and for daughters to remain closer to their parents as adults than sons; if we deny this reality we deny ourselves the opportunity to consider whether anything needs to change.

I might have liked a girl when pregnant, it's common to have a preference whatever people say, but now with two boys 11 and 13 I wouldn't have another baby even if it was guaranteed to be a girl. I love them profoundly for who they are, not their sex. Its also great to have two the same as they can play together more easily. I know in lockdown it's been brilliant for them to have each other. They're close and get on well with similar interests. Itll be ok I promise, whatever the outcome.

AnotherEmma

🤦🏻‍♀️ No. I’m saying that I will not put outdated expectations on my children. Read my posts. You’re looking for an argument.

It’s a bad thing if it makes people assume they can’t have those close bonds with a child of the opposite sex.

How much of the ‘girls are closer to their families’ claptrap is because women expect that closeness with their daughters and don’t facilitate the same relationship with their sons? If you enter into a parental relationship with the attitude that you won’t be as close to your son as you would have been to a daughter, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Exactly. But it’s so ingrained into society that many people don’t even see it. It’s very damaging.

Honestly this makes my blood boil a bit. Try going through infertility and dealing with never finding out what it's like to be pregnant and heartbreak of £30k of failed IVF then say you are disappointed that you are pregnant with a second child because you can't put it in a pissing dress.

Boys and girls can be clever, funny, and sweet. Boys and girls can adore their mum and dad

^This. I had 2 girls and was pregnant at the same time as my sister who had two boys. Throughout the whole pregnancy she went on and on about not wanting a girl, as they are wee bitches I knew deep down she really wanted a girl though. Throughout my whole pregnancy everyone was hoping I would have a boy and kept saying I'm sure you're dying for a boy. I wasn't really fussed, I had a boy and he's just as great as his sisters are.

I can’t have children so this does make me a bit angry. You will have two children who cares if it’s boys or girls!! I will have none.

Men don't always want boys. DH would have preferred a girl.
We had a boy, which was my preference.

Boys and girls can be clever, funny, and sweet. Boys and girls can adore their mum and dad

Yep. Parenting and society stereotypes are what makes these differences. Bring them up well, teach them to not not give in to societies expectations of them. The sooner people do that, the sooner this nonsense goes away.

Two boys? Lovely. They'll play together and get into scrapes together and buy pints for each other. Embrace it.
And they'll adore their mum. Don't let the mothers of two or more girls kid you either. Having girls can be a nightmare fir reasons that are well rehearsed here.
Congratulations. Boys are lovely.
And funny and sweet and clever.

This seems oddly biased, you've just mentioned good stereotypes about having boys and bad stereotypes about having girls.

I don't think YANBU. I'm a card carrying non gender conforming kinda person and hate blue/pink genderfication.
But.
DH has 4 kids from previous marriage. He and MIL have both said they want a girl, on numerous occasions.
This will be my first and last baby. The pressure I feel to give them what they want is pretty huge and yes, i will be disappointed. Of course when it's here whatever it is it will be loved and adored and i would never change it.

Makes you feel like one of the six wives ffs.

This seems oddly biased, you've just mentioned good stereotypes about having boys and bad stereotypes about having girls

Having two girls I heard so many negative criticisms of girls from mothers of boys. It really got on my wick.

Yes @AnotherEmma

Boys and girls are different - of course they bloody are.