To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

@TheRuleofStix

Fascinating. There was a thread last week from a woman who’s husband was desperate for a boy. He was utterly castigated for it - called every name under the sun, and more.

Yet when a woman is desperate for a daughter . . .

This is what makes me sad for my sons - the negativity they face just for being boys. It’s endless and tedious.

That’s because the husband wanted the woman to get pregnant just to try for boy despite the fact she didn’t want another baby.

This is a woman who wants a baby, but down the line in the pregnancy is hoping for a girl

@phoenixrosehere

If dadsnet was as big as mumsnet... then I am sure there’d be loads

Only have to Google and look at Reddit to see fathers feel the same way about girls.

I'd like to think that Mumsnet would aim for a higher standard than the frequently very grim men of Reddit, though, and a better start for our sons than a vague sense of regret.

It's the fact that it's NEVER someone disappointed with a DD, even if they have 5 already. It's so overwhelmingly anti-boys, and it's sad for our sons, and also our daughters that from the start we have such different and less-positive aspirations and expectations for boys.

I didn't hope for a girl so I could go shopping with her (I hate shopping) or do nails together (I'm not interested) or whatever, it was deeper than that.

@NameChange30 what was it you believe(d) would be different just because you had a girl? The only things I can think about that would pretty much definitely be different would be physical/biological things which surely don’t matter, or how society will treat/react to them.

I have a sibling, we are opposite sexes, and there is nothing that divides us due to our sex apart from the two points above.

Is there something I’m missing or is it one of these?

I do understand where you're coming from. I'm from a large family and it's mostly girls. I always pictured myself with a daughter and when I had DC1, I was surprised at the scan to find out that he was a boy. It took me a few days to get my head around it, but by the time he arrived I couldn't imagine him being a girl.

When I was pregnant with DC2, I did really want a girl as I wanted to have the experience of raising both sexes and again, I still pictured myself with a daughter. DC2 was another boy (found out at 25 weeks) and I did find that a little bit difficult at first as I knew we wouldn't be having anymore children. It wasn't that I was sad he was a boy, it was more that I grieved that I would never have the experience of a mother-daughter relationship. I'm glad I found out during the pregnancy as by the time he was born I was looking forward to having another little boy and my eldest son was delighted to be having a little brother. DS2 is an absolutely fabulous little boy. Hilarious and loving, I wouldn't change him for anything (same goes for DS1).

It has been so lovely watching the two of them grow up together. They are the best of friends and have such a close relationship. I'm not sure that they would have the same sort of relationship if they were opposite sexes.

I unexpectedly became pregnant again when my youngest was 6. This time I really hoped for a girl, but for a different reason. I worried about having another boy because my elder 2 are so close and there would be a big age gap. I worried that a little boy might feel left out because his brothers would be so much older than him. Rightly or wrongly, I didn't feel that the age gap would be as much of an issue with a girl as she probably would have different interests from her brothers. DC3 is a girl. Funnily enough though, I did feel a bit of pang as I'd got excited about having a houseful of boys 😊 I think it is natural to wonder about what might have been and those ideas might be romanticised in our heads. There are no guarantees what our children would be like. DC1 is the child who is most like me and we probably share more interests. He is basically me in miniature. He is also the child who argues with me the most 😂

It's the fact that it's NEVER someone disappointed with a DD, even if they have 5 already

That simply isn’t true. My mum was the youngest of seven girls. My gran was so gutted when she was born she wouldn’t even look at her.

@VinylDetective

It's the fact that it's NEVER someone disappointed with a DD, even if they have 5 already

That simply isn’t true. My mum was the youngest of seven girls. My gran was so gutted when she was born she wouldn’t even look at her.

Did she post on mumsnet though? Also I think this is generational too, older generations had more of a bias towards boys or at least less pro girls (I'm not from the UK and this is still the case elsewhere, when I go to visit older relatives they think I've hit the jackpot with two sons, mums here focus on how lucky I am to finally also have a daughter).

As someone with three sons who did not suffer sex disappointment- I still understand wanting a daughter. I didn't want one so much that it bothered me that any one of my lovely boys weren't one, but I do get it. It's not about hair, nails, shopping, ballet or anything like that. I really value and love the relationships I have with my mum and aunties and female cousins and had with my nana, I loved being part of the family of women within our family, I love the knowledge that I am part of a long line of women, that when my nana was pregnant with my mum part of me already existed inside them, that my female relatives have an understanding of the world that my male relatives never will and never could and that they can answer questions and give advice and tell stories from that perspective. None of it is very logical and none of it is worth more than what I have with my sons but I would have liked to have a daughter of my own to make part of all this, to continue the line of women... if that makes any sense!

@Lumene
Well yes, it's the differences in your experience of life because of being female or male.
I find it bizarre that you said physical/biological things don't matter and I disagree.
I have periods, I've been through pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding; only women experience those things and not men.
And those are just the physical/biological things. Girls/women and boys/men also have different experiences of life because of their sex.
I'm closer to my sister than my brothers and I have close female friends but not close male ones. I suppose I prefer women. My life partner (husband) is a man, though. And I don't prefer my daughter to my son, I love them both equally.

It's the fact that it's NEVER someone disappointed with a DD, even if they have 5 already

I don’t think this is true. I know two families IRL who have 3 girls and would have liked a boy.

I do think it’s common for a woman to want a DD. I also think it’s common for people to ideally want one of each. Had I had a DD first I would have been quite pleased at the thought of a DS.

I just really don’t like the idea of 2 boys. I feel like I’ll have missed out. I think I’d have felt somewhat the same about 2 girls, although to a bit lesser extent if I’m totally honest

So interesting reading a lot of these replies.

I agree that it seems like today's child-bearing generation (and on Mumsnet) seem to favour girls, but to be honest I think it's more the "one of each" ideal that's seen as the most coveted. I know of a few families who has one or two girls, and then when the second or third turned out to be a girl as well, it was very much "poor dad" or "think of all those teenage girls in the house together" etc. A friend has recently had a boy after two girls and I have to admit when I heard he was a boy, I did think to myself "that's nice, after two girls, to have something different".

But at the same time, I know a lot of people (myself included and it's clear from reading this thread) think that two of the same sex is ideal too.

You can't please everyone I think is the main message! And it doesn't matter, because children really are so different. My SIL and BIL have one of each, similar ages to my two DS, and they are apparently so similar in character. My two DS could not be more different if they tried!!!

Did she post on mumsnet though?

There is a big wide world outside Mumsnet!

I've got two boys. I really wanted my second to be a girl. But it didn't matter once I met him. He's was so, and is so, beautiful. I could never have loved a girl more. In fact once I'd had him I was able to tell people out loud that I had been hoping for a girl, because I knew that it was all completely irrelevant.
My boys are great friends and always will be. I don't see that so much in brother and sister siblings.

I'm a bit old fashioned generally and think it's nicer to find out when the baby is born anyway.

I also think, with gender disappointment there is a degree of mindset adjusting you can do to give yourself a bit of a mental shake from that path. I'm speaking from my personal experience with it anyway.

My first was a boy and I was thrilled, had no preference during the pregnancy either way, and zero expectations. When he was put in my arms I was so overwhelmed that it was a couple of minutes before I even thought to ask what sex he was (my husband was in charge of announcing the sex and he totally forgot in all the drama of the birth).

When I got pregnant again it was very much because I wanted another baby, not a particular sex. Although once I was pregnant I started to daydream about how a girl would be nice (one of each and all that) and then it spiralled a bit into obsessing about it a bit. I realised relatively quickly (a couple of weeks or so) that it was not a healthy mindset at all and that I needed to stop down that road right away. I can see easily how it could have gotten out of control and become a problem.

I was reasonably convinced I was having another boy and so I focused my attention on that idea, what two boys would be like, etc. We found a great contender for a name, which I genuinely loved (boys names were always a struggle for us as all our favourites were in use in close friend/family circles already)... and basically I warmed hugely to the idea of another little boy, a brother for DS, etc. I could picture it, imagine calling him his name etc. I basically made my peace with it on the basis that I couldn't control it anyway, and because I knew I would love my baby, as a person, regardless of anything else.

I also got a lot of "bet you want a girl this time" comments which annoyed me and actually made me feel more protective of the (potential) little boy baby that I may have been having...

Anyway, in the end I did have a girl. She was an absolute shock to me when she emerged from the birth pool (which I know is ridiculous due to the 50/50 odds) and she's bloody great, wouldn't change her for the world. But by that point in the pregnancy I knew with 100% certainty that I would have been equally as thrilled if that little boy had been placed in my arms instead and there's definitely a sense of peace I found from that.

At the end of the day, you feel how you feel and I don't think other people being unpleasant to you about it helps at all, but I do (personally) think you can do some mental adjustments to rein in the feelings before they get out of control and dominate your pregnancy.

I hope that makes sense!

It's the fact that it's NEVER someone disappointed with a DD, even if they have 5 already. It's so overwhelmingly anti-boys, and it's sad for our sons, and also our daughters that from the start we have such different and less-positive aspirations and expectations for boys.

I have two boys myself and I eyeroll hearing the woe is me about how boys/sons aren’t appreciated. OP is talking about her feelings about having a boy and posters have said they have been where she is at and offered advice. I bet if this was another woman talking about her feelings about having a girl, other mothers who felt the same would chime in. How many times has it been posted how easy boys are compared to girls? How sons are so much more cuddly and even better than daughters? I’ve read more of those comments on here than I have about not wanting sons.

Please don't be disappointed with your lovely baby if it's a boy.

Its quite sad but there is definately alot of this disappointment in boys, I personally know of 2 women who were very much disappointed and obsessed even after babys birth, to the point I had to distance from them after having my boy.
One of them has gone on to have a girl after 2 boys, she clearly favours the girl in every way, the baby is dressed like a mini pink princess and her eldest som actually told her he hoped she was happy now she had her girl, so sad and she still just harps on constantly about how long she waited to be a "girl mum"
The other one has now had 3 boys and severely depressed after each one, im sure she will be pregnant very soon as the obsession with a daughter continues to rule her.
Unfortunately these are true stories and they horrify me however I do understand having a preference, I did myself I had my DD first and preferred another but had a boy and so glad I did as hes amazing!

@VinylDetective

Did she post on mumsnet though?

There is a big wide world outside Mumsnet!

I think what the pp meant is that the current preference for female babies is exactly that, current. If you went back a generation or two it wouldn't have been so.

@OverTheRubicon I wanted just boys. I suffered with gender disappointment when my daughter was born. It isn't just women wanting girls or anti boy.

I don’t think you will be disappointed either way. As soon as you know you’re having a boy you’ll just start to imagine him and start to love him. I think not knowing is making you feel worse.

Really interesting replies.

I had a son and then a daughter 10mths apart so I always felt like that was fine. I had 2 more daughters after that and both times I did want girls. I think I would have happy with all girls! That's just me.

My OH is one of boys. His mum also had 7 brothers. Now there are lots of granddaughters!

I don't think it really is an unreasonable double standard for people to object to men showing a strong preference for a boy vs women showing a preference for a girl. The fact is preference for male offspring and subsequent better treatment of them once they're born has been a deeply ingrained and institutionalised part of society for thousands of years. It may make mum's of boys feel defensive but it isn't really the same thing.

I don’t think you will be disappointed either way. As soon as you know you’re having a boy you’ll just start to imagine him and start to love him. I think not knowing is making you feel worse

I think this is very true. I certainly felt worse last time before I knew. Once I found out DS was a boy I came around pretty fast. I do worry that was helped by knowing I’d have another but I certainly didn’t spend the rest of my pregnancy upset he was a boy.

This time feels more final though so I suppose the stakes feel higher. I don’t like not knowing things my mind spirals with possibilities. I think once I know I’ll just get on with it.

Earlier today a family member who has repeatedly told me ‘oh it would be lovely for you to have a girl next’ rang. First time we’d spoken in a while. She asked if we were going to find out the gender and I replied ‘I’m not sure. I want to but I just know all the insensitive comments I’ll get from people about it being a ‘shame’ if it’s not a girl. I’m fed up of peoples insensitive comments about having a girl. It’s so bad for my MH’ she then totally agreed with me and sounded really sheepish. Obviously I said it like I wasn’t talking about her but she knows she’s done it!

I think maybe I need to get more blunt with people about the comments they make. They’re always unsolicited and really Impact the way I feel xx

To be honest you just need to be happy and greatful for 1- your having another baby and 2- that it's a healthy baby it's all you can wish for

Gender doesn't matter at all their still precious xx

@spidermomma

To be honest you just need to be happy and greatful for 1- your having another baby and 2- that it's a healthy baby it's all you can wish for

Gender doesn't matter at all their still precious xx

You could write hall mark cards