To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

Having two girls I heard so many negative criticisms of girls from mothers of boys. It really got on my wick.

They’re just really rude. I mean, what sort of person basically insults your children, especially when based on stereotypes not anything actual individual that your child may have done.
I remember talking to a dad in the playground at school about our children. At the time I had a boy and he had a girl. He looked at my son and said ‘I was never interested in boys, all that dirt and rugby and stuff.’ 🤣 What an absolute nob. As I got to know him a bit better, I realised he was just a total weirdo. He’s now struggling with his daughter not being quite the ‘princess’ he wanted. She’s very the outdoor life. She’s also not a very nice person but with a parent like that, I’m not surprised.

I feel for you op. Some people don't understand, and think it's just a selfish response, when you can't change how you feel, and alot of women feel this way one way or another. I'd personally try and look at the positives of having two the same sex... Hand me down clothes/toys makes life much cheaper (not saying boys can't play with dolls before anyone starts on that one, I'm just saying the likelyhood is, op will already have stuff they'll both prefer playing with as they get older), easier to entertain them both at the same time, hobbies etc, they're more likely to have a close relationship growing up as two brothers.... I understand how you feel. I always thought I'd have boys, and although wasn't opposed to the idea of having girls, it was a huge shock when they told me DD was a girl, and although I wasn't disappointed, I felt somewhat detached from the pregnancy for a while as I just wasn't expecting to have a girl. With dd2 again, I thought we'd be having a boy for sure, and when I was told another girl, I was once again shocked, happy, but also got frequent pangs of sadness at the thought of never having my boy, as I'd always pictured myself with a son. Now the girls are older, and for all the reasons I've mentioned above, having two of the same sex definitely has its plus sides. I couldn't imagine life any different now, and although I do still think about "the son I never had", and being a mum of two girls was never what I imagined, it's absolutely great, as I'm sure your mum journey will be with two boys... or one of each! Please don't let these feelings overwhelm you, remember what a fragile, hormonal state you're in while pregnant. Once your baby is here, if he is indeed a he, it is okay to feel sadness about the daughter you won't have, but that won't take away your love for your newborn son. And you'll probably be super grateful during the teenage years 😅

*into the outdoor life

OP it’s totally reasonable to feel like this. I had a boy and a girl already when I got pregnant with number 3 (which will be our last). I was desperate for another girl. 3D scan was canceled due to COVID and I found out I was expecting another boy at my 20 week scan on my own (no partners allowed).
I cried for a day, then I picked myself up and realized how lucky I was. I gave away all of the girl things I had saved and indulged in some retail therapy buying a few gorgeous little boy things.
Personally I’m glad I had that time to adjust.
My baby boy is here now and I am so besotted with him, I know I wouldn’t have been any happier has he been a girl.
Congratulations and best wishes

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

After not finding out the sex of my last baby and being told by all my friends and DH that I was definitely having a particular sex, that was what I ended up thinking as well. So when I gave birth, I felt as if I was grieving for that sex because my baby was the opposite. If I could go back in time, I would have found out at 16 weeks.

For what it’s worth, DD1 and DD2 have totally opposing personalities and DS1 is somewhere in between.

@aSofaNearYou perhaps
It does. I have one of each! My lived experience is of a girl who has suffered from bullying from other girls. I also recall with my firstborn boy a lot of pitying comments from mothers with girls. That was 20 years ago.So it cuts both ways.
I would say tho that my boy and girl have t really confirmed to stereotypes as they've aged: the girl is a mathematical scientist who rock climbs and the boy (literally) writes poetry for part of his living.
I just wanted OP to see how bloody wonderful boys are because in my experience they are. And my girl is too in countless ways.

Having two girls I heard so many negative criticisms of girls from mothers of boys. It really got on my wick.

I was pregnant with my first boy and heard this from numerous mothers of boys on how much better boys are. It annoyed me too especially being one of two girls and we weren’t anything like what they said girls were. They’re the types I give a wide berth, any parents of same sex children who says one sex is better than the other and goes on about it. You can say that you love your child/children without saying one second is better than the other.

*sex

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

I understand what you’re saying but I think you’re grossly underestimating pregnancy hormones and unreasonable emotions. Regardless of ‘who they are’ or ‘who they end up being’ which is absolutely not governed by gender, if I give birth to a child with a vagina I get to dress it how I want for the first few years at least and have the experience of ‘having a daughter’. Right now In my weirdly hormonal and irrational state THAT is what it comes down to.
I also get to avoid all the shitty comments and ‘that’s a shame’ attitude which society 100% has!

I fully and totally agree that once baby is out and my hormones calm down I’ll think rationally about it again and no doubt be happy with a boy. After all I didn’t feel like this before I got pregnant. I think the insane rush of hormones in pregnancy is given very little credit. I legitimately feel like a different person when I’m pregnant.

@phoenixrosehere

Having two girls I heard so many negative criticisms of girls from mothers of boys. It really got on my wick.

I was pregnant with my first boy and heard this from numerous mothers of boys on how much better boys are. It annoyed me too especially being one of two girls and we weren’t anything like what they said girls were. They’re the types I give a wide berth, any parents of same sex children who says one sex is better than the other and goes on about it. You can say that you love your child/children without saying one second is better than the other.

I agree. People trying to make you feel better by saying the sex you have two of are 'so much better' just makes you feel worse and want the opposite sex more than ever, because you don't want to become like that! 🤣 It also exaggerates the stereotypes even more.

OP I get it, I really do. I had three boys close together, and had a bit of GD when we found out the third was another boy. Then we had a big gap and I was at peace with being a 'boy mum' but six years later I got pregnant again, and it was a girl! I felt like I had won the lottery, truly it was bizarre, like having a baby girl filled some gap in our lives. Having her has been different in some ways, there are differences in her innate responses to things compared to my boys which I think are because of natural programming to mother and nurture but really that is minimal. She is 2 and a half now and I have realised that actually there is no difference at all between parenting boys and girls. The experience of parenting them is identical. I think a lot of that need to be surrounded by female energy when you are pregnant is to do with your own experience of womanhood that gets amplified by pregnancy hormones. I was a boy mum, got 'my girl' and now if we had any more I genuinely would have no preference at all.

I get it completely and this has resurrected all the emotions I felt when my DS2 was handed to me AND when each of my gorgeous grandsons were handed to me too.

I love them all to the stars and back and
I wouldn't swap any of them but the guilt and longing is still there

I do get where your coming from. I also understand people who haven't experienced gender disappointment or have struggled with loss or infertility just not being able to understand why. But op your feelings are valid. Its ok to feel how you feel and you are right managing other people's expectations and opinions around the sex of your baby is so draining.i have 3 girls and one boy had my ds after 2 girls and the amount of comments I got about oh how lovely u finally got a boy, and when pregnant with dd3 oh how nice would it be for ds to have a brother. I think you should find out at the scan it will give you time to come to terms with it if baby is a boy but absolutely keep it to yourselves if u want to do that you dont need to answer to anyone. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and already know that this is mainly hormones talking and that's ok. I have no doubt u will love your little baby to bits regardless of the sex. x

It’s a bad thing if it makes people assume they can’t have those close bonds with a child of the opposite sex.

Where did I say that? I said parents (meaning mothers and fathers) hope to have a similar bond with family members (male/female) that they love /loved.

My closest relationship was with my grandfather. I was happy when I saw it was a boy. I would have been happy to have the same if it was a girl because I come from two matriarchal families full of strong women. Is that a bad thing? Should I not hope for those bonds for me and my children?

It's the fact that it's NEVER someone disappointed with a DD, even if they have 5 already

I refer you to India and China where girl foetuses are routinely aborted.

if I give birth to a child with a vagina I get to dress it how I want for the first few years at least and have the experience of ‘having a daughter’. Right now In my weirdly hormonal and irrational state THAT is what it comes down to.

You can dress him or her however you please. Boys and girls used to be dressed identically as babies in the very recent past - big frouffy dresses for the most part. Dress your child how you like!

I felt exactly the same as you. With my first I really wanted a girl, we kept it a surprise and I had a boy. I wouldn’t change him for the world. I always knew I would have a second so like you I thought it’s ok I have a second shot at it.
I chose to find out at 20 weeks as for me I would prefer to know rather than wait till the birth. I found out I was having a second boy! And I didn’t have any of the feelings I thought I would have! We tried for over a year for ds2 and I think because it was such a struggle I was just so happy and grateful to be having another baby. He was born in April and not once have I thought about not having a girl. He is most probably my last baby as I’m nearly 39 so time isn’t on my side. And I’m completely fine with that.

You might surprise yourself. But in your shoes I would find out sooner rather than later x

OP I would definitely find out and start to deal with whatever emotions it brings up. You may feel much better once preggo hormones alleviate, but then there's postnatal and breastfeeding hormones - there's no guarantee if you wait for a surprise and its a boy you'll just deal with it. You should give yourself the chance to process if it is a boy - and if it's a girl then that's the rest of your pregnancy to enjoy and be excited rather than anxious!

I’m sorry but as someone who has found out her baby has a chromosomal disorder and heart defects during a scan I have absolutely no sympathy for ‘gender disappointment’. Sorry op.

When I was pregnant with number 3 I had two daughters... I wanted to find out what I was having and had been hoping for a boy...
My husband said to me "if you find out and it's a girl you may have a little disappointment, if you wait until delivery you won't care you'll just be overjoyed with having a new baby"
Well I had daughter number 3 - who is now 4 and simply AMAZING! And it's not often I say it but my husband was right in this case... my recommendation - don't find out ahead and just love that baby as you know you will when you first hold him or her!

if I give birth to a child with a vagina I get to dress it how I want for the first few years at least and have the experience of ‘having a daughter’. Right now In my weirdly hormonal and irrational state THAT is what it comes down to.

DS1 is younger than DD1 and it’s safe to say he got dressed not only exactly how I wanted but also with the same clothes DD1 had worn. Neither wore dresses (much too fiddly for my liking). The only time having a vagina, vulva or penis made a difference to how they were treated was when I was trying to avoid getting wee in my face (why do boys do this?) when changing a nappy. So I’m not understanding this logic at all.

I understand what you’re saying but I think you’re grossly underestimating pregnancy hormones and unreasonable emotions. Regardless of ‘who they are’ or ‘who they end up being’ which is absolutely not governed by gender, if I give birth to a child with a vagina I get to dress it how I want for the first few years at least and have the experience of ‘having a daughter’. Right now In my weirdly hormonal and irrational state THAT is what it comes down to.

I’m not underestimating that at all. If you look back at my posts, I’ve said that you can’t help how you feel so I hope I haven’t come across as dismissive of your feelings. That’s not what I feel at all. 💐 I’ve just seen first hand the damage that this can cause and I wouldn’t like to see that happen to anyone. You said you felt awful and guilty about feeling this way so that’s why I advised addressing your thought process.
Anyway, I hope everything goes well with the rest of your pregnancy and the hormones calm down soon. Pregnancy definitely wasn’t my favourite time. X

I get it OP. I m pregnant and for an hour because I hit my head (not particularly hard). What people forget is that these are not emotions you can control. There is so much good work going on with mental health awareness at the moment and yet when a pregnant woman comes on a board to say she’s feeling down about something there are lots of spiteful replies about how she’s ungrateful and shouldn’t be feeling that way (as well as the lovely supportive messages too). Sorry for those who have gone through awful traumatic events and are desperate for a healthy baby but posting that you have no sympathy for a pregnant woman is not helpful for you or her.

I fully and totally agree that once baby is out and my hormones calm down I’ll think rationally about it again and no doubt be happy with a boy. After all I didn’t feel like this before I got pregnant. I think the insane rush of hormones in pregnancy is given very little credit. I legitimately feel like a different person when I’m pregnant.

In that case, I think you just need to try and ignore this as much as possible, tell yourself it's an irrational feeling and limit ways of giving it headspace (I suspect this thread hasn't been helpful in that regard, for instance - try and resist the temptation to start conversations about it, as they'll either upset or validate you and neither are helpful). I wouldn't normally say that, but if you know it's time-limited and due to a very unusually strong reaction to pregnancy hormones and will subside when they do then I think that actually, ignoring it and avoiding the subject for the next six months or so is an option.

I have 2 boys. We had a 3rd, a girl, who was stillborn. I actually wanted another boy and was so disappointed at my 20 week scan when they said she was a girl. When we found out she was gone, it felt like karma. I didn't want her so I didn't get to keep her. I would do anything for that girl now.

I know you cant help how you feel and I don't have any answers on how to get past that feeling. But do try to think of the bigger picture. You are going to have a baby and you are going to love that baby no matter what sex they are.