To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

Might need a proofreader though

When do you find out op

I come from a large family of all girls who all have boys - talk about mixed messages. I grew up hearing comments about how my Mum had had another girl, then the opposite about how you need some granddaughters to even things out. I was convinced my second son was a girl. After a very traumatic forceps delivery my heart sank when they said "It's a boy!" , I'm very, very ashamed of this now.

I remember limping to the bathroom and in my drug induced haze thinking, maybe they made a mistake and when I go back in it will really be a girl. He was the most beautiful and peaceful baby and even though I fell in love with him completely I still had nagging regrets about not having a daughter. The constant harping on of strangers didnt help either, sighing and saying "Oh no, not a boy." In fact, their unkind words made me fiercely protective and love him even more. Looking back, I think my longing for a girl wasn't even real, it was all tied up with PND.

My point is, find out now and deal with your feelings earlier than I did. I got over it and I did eventually have a daughter (not helpful to you right now, I know) but the point is, I love that little boy more than is humanly possible. I'm also extremely close to him and thank God every day that he is my son. I also know lots of cool, interesting and fabulous women who only have sons - I wish I'd met them sooner. Good luck, you'll be fine.

Hi @Surroundedbyboys123 I have to say I admire your honesty on this thread. I think it's ok to admit to a preference when you are pregnant, it's perfectly natural to have these feelings, and not something you can control generally.

Just as a bit of light relief I'll share my cousin's story. She had a boy and a girl already when she fell unexpectedly pregnant for a third time. She decided to find out the sex and was very deflated when she arrived home. She was carrying a girl. "Did you really want a boy?" I asked her. "No. Oh, I don't know what I want - I wanted something different!" she cried. Turns out a mixture of pregnancy hormones and already having one of each had somehow sent her brain into a fizz and she was expecting something new at her scan. A baby giraffe maybe?! Once we cleared that up we had a laugh about it

I can completely relate. I’m 30 weeks pregnant, I have one beautiful DD already and desperately wanted her to have a sister. I found out at my 20 week scan I was having a boy. I was really disappointed and although I am much more adjusted to the idea I still would have preferred a girl. I am worried I will always feel like this. It doesn’t help that DD is having none of it

No judgement. Gender disappointment is a real thing.

My friend's mum died when she was 8 and she grew up with her Dad and brothers. No cousins. She's a very "girly girl" and desperately wanted a daughter to share that girly relationship with. She now has two boys and loves them to bits. She just feels like she's missed out on the mother-daughter relationship twice over.

I find it bizarre that you said physical/biological things don't matter and I disagree. I have periods, I've been through pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding; only women experience those things and not men.

I definitely do think physical things matter, especially if you are female. I just can’t imagine them mattering as a parent - why would I prefer to have a child who is destined to have periods or one who won’t, or one who finds it easier to pee standing up? Doesn’t seem relevant to wanting to parent someone of a particular sex.

And those are just the physical/biological things. Girls/women and boys/men also have different experiences of life because of their sex. I'm closer to my sister than my brothers and I have close female friends but not close male ones. I suppose I prefer women.

I guess if you feel you prefer women I can see why you would then want female children. But that seems like a mass generalisation to me, I have friends of both sex and see them as people not divided into two different types. Whether they are male or female doesn’t make me closer to someone or like them more or less as a person than anyone else. That seems like back to stereotypes to generalise that much just based on which sex a person happens to be.

Expectations based on stereotypes again:

She's a very "girly girl" and desperately wanted a daughter to share that girly relationship with.

I think you need to ask yourself why you would like a girl so much

This, with bells on. I've read many comments about bonding over 'girly' things but these are not guaranteed and it's rather sexist to expect them.

A DD might not want to have her own children. She may not want to get married. She might hate pink. Perhaps she will prefer Action Man to Barbie. What if she prefers an Old Firm match to ballet lessons and ponies? She could be like James in the Starbucks advert. You simply cannot know.

I got shot down for admitting on a post last week that with my first I actually cried and was so disappointed to find out he was a boy, to the point I’d strongly considered terminating. I wasn’t as disappointed this time when I found out I was having another boy but still left the scan feeling slightly upset.

I’m now 12 weeks since I had the gender scan, the feeling is still there that I’d have loved a girl this time but I’m not ‘disappointed’ anymore

Why is it always boys that people are disappointed with? I never see the same said about girls. It’s very sad.

Already had 2 girls and really didn’t want boys found out my 3rd was a boy at 16 weeks but that he was also missing his left hand. I really hate to admit I considered a termination and I don’t think it had anything to do with the missing hand!!! I really didn’t want a boy!! Fast forward. He is now 5 and I adore everything about him and couldn’t imagine life without him. Hormones are awful things!!

Much as I would have loved a daughter, I get a real thrill at the idea of sitting down at the dinner table in years to come with a group of (hopefully lovely) men and thinking “I raised them”. This weird little thought gets me past the pangs of walking past cute baby girl clothes.

@Madwife123

Why is it always boys that people are disappointed with? I never see the same said about girls. It’s very sad.

I was this person - sort of. Sonographer at 20 weeks said girl. I was upset because I just knew she was wrong. Sure enough, next scan (I had extra for medical reasons) I was told boy. It essentially wasn't confirmed until scan after that. It was just such a powerful instinct for me that he was male that my upset was at being told the wrong sex, rather than he was "the wrong sex", IYSWIM.

I think you need to ask yourself why you would like a girl so much

Not really and whilst I do appreciate all the comments linked to this I was very clear in my OP that this wasn’t an Avenue I wanted to go down or comments I wanted to read. Mainly because I think anyone who has ever really suffered gender disappointment has already read a thousand ‘maybe your girl will want to play with tractors or identify as a boy when they’re 15’ articles and blogs. ‘Maybe your son will love ballet and make up’ ... blah blah blah it doesn’t help. Yet people trot it out like it’s this big ‘bet you hadn’t even thought of that!’ Kinda thing. I’m fully aware of that.

I read all that weeks ago and it didn’t help then, it doesn’t help now.

To me it feels like back when I had an ED and people used to try and cure it by telling me how yummy and amazing foods were explaining that a boy might act like a girl and a girl might act like a boy, it doesn’t stop me staring at gorgeous baby girls clothes knowing I’ll never get to pick them or wondering what my DNA would look like in a girl, would she look like me? I look like my DM...I want to know and experience these things.

I don’t care if she’s a tomboy or identifies as a boy in her teens. I still want a baby girl!

I never found out in advance and although I did have a preference each time it didn’t matter once holding baby after the birth.

I can understand wanting one of each though.

I think it’s very difficult to separate out what we want our children to be for us from who they will be for themselves. Until they’re born and exist in the real world, we can only think of them of extensions of ourselves and the gap in our lives they will fulfil. But they deserve to be recognised as their own independent people whose existence is nothing to do with the wants we have for them. It’s one of the hardest things to face up to in becoming a parent imo, because everyone decides to have children for their own reasons and not for the benefit of the child in question. I think gender disappointment is part of that transition into recognising the individuality and personhood of your child.

I'm in a similar boat, have a beautiful DS and pregnant again.

This will be our last and so I would like it to be a girl.

Gender scan on 23/12 and popping our gender balloon at our Christmas Eve party.

We also have the perfect girls name and several "ok" boys names we would be compromising on x

I think that men tend to want boys, don't they? The sex disappointment works the other way there. But there aren't many men on Mumsnet.

Not really and whilst I do appreciate all the comments linked to this I was very clear in my OP that this wasn’t an Avenue I wanted to go down or comments I wanted to read.

It may not be an avenue that you want to go down, but if you don’t, then you won’t get to the bottom of your feelings. Of course that’s up to you, but believe me when I say, this has the potential to affect your relationship with your children and their relationship with each other. Your comment about not picking girls clothes, that’s just stereotypes. Wondering what your DNA would look like in a girl. My friend has 2 girls, they look completely different to each other.
You saying nothing will help, I just want a baby girl, won’t help you feel any better unfortunately. And even if you have a girl, your thinking around this will likely cause issues in the future both with your daughter and your son. Having a girl will not be the end of this.

I think that men tend to want boys, don't they? The sex disappointment works the other way there. But there aren't many men on Mumsnet.

Both men and women who don’t get caught up in stereotypes and want a baby, just want a baby.

For all the navel gazing and self indulgence that abounds on these threads and all the justification people post there’s never been a reason posted for wanting one sex over the other than buying into gendered stereotypes.

But why do you want a baby girl?

Baby girls are no different from baby boys.

And you have no idea what the person that the child will become will actually be like

A girl will not be you

You should be grateful you can have children. Your baby is a person, they’re so much more than their reproductive bits. You should think of them like that. Imagine how you’d feel if your parents were disappointed in you for something you can’t even help. Why are you having a baby anyway? As an accessory? A plaything? No, they’re a new person and you need to respect them like that.