I looked :(

[stoplooking555]

Aghhh.

I've just recently divorced. In a nutshell, very messy. He lied about OW although I knew her and her partner and we figured it out between ourselves early on. It was a horrible divorce and finally settled on 55/45 split assets and this way I got to keep the small family home. Ex cried poor the whole time and made provisions for a 2 bed flat in the area and insisted he would be buying alone. He kept all of his pensions (I had none) and the proceeds from a small rental but on his earnings would be a healthy deposit and no probs to get an affordable mortgage.

Kids have come back from their contact weekend and told me all about the new house my ex bought. I was expecting this and knew it would be a big deal for me. It's not a 2 bed flat. It has a leafy drive and 3-4 bedrooms. OW was there when he showed kids around.

They are not on social media which is great. BUT I can see his Pinterest. We rennovated a couple of houses together so knew he'd update that.

Well...I saw luxury bathroom pins, free standing baths..marble...and...she was linked in the board.

Also kids will be getting own rooms, they share here...it's a small house.

I know I should be thankful I have a roof over my head but it's just galling he lied and in my mind he's doing up Buckingham palace.

AIBU - he deserves to move on and none of my business, we've been separated 3 years. Or am I right being so upset. Not sure if it's jealousy or rage he's lied - if he's bought with OW (high earner) then it's really not fair if they have 2 big incomes going forward and a dream house.

I worry the kids will see this house as a poor partner.

As for contesting his lies, the solicitor said I could but if he did end up buying with OW, then unlikely anything would happen as technically my needs were met.

The anxiety and upset is high though :(

[quote Snooper22]@rolo they had a fishery in an EU country, she did no upkeep/maintenance for 2 yrs think overgrown etc and drained the water from the lakes to a min. so the valuation was devalued![/quote]
Seeing as it belonged to him, why the heck couldn’t he arrange for that?!

You need to stop comparing yourself/himself to how you once were. If you knew you would die tomorrow would his house be the last thing on your mind?????? What is important to you right now??

@rolo arrange for what?

Upkeep.

He owned the property with her so why the heck didn’t he arrange or do the upkeep?

@rolo isn't upkeep 50/50?! Also a bit difficult if she didnt want him there lol

So he did nothing
And she did nothing
And the property fell in to disrepair

His solicitor would have very easily secured access for him in this situation. Indeed her solicitor would have advised her to permit it (unless there was any history or threat of violence)

@rolo his solicitors advised against access actually. Anyway its none of your business and not part of this thread. It was an example of an alternative.

Advised against access to his own property, that was being intentionally devalued? 🤔

You're not alone. I supported my ex through his alcoholism and unemployment for 15 years. Until he got a massive inheritance and was out like a shot. It hurt deeply. And there's no point denying it. There was no OW. And i can imagine that cuts very deep. A rebound fling and time helped. You're not remotely unreasonable. Put yourself first. Hopefully, in time, you'll stop caring. I haven't forgiven or forgotten. But I care a lot less

ExDH drives a Porsche - has a lovely farmhouse with land that he’s always improving - his DW has own business which is doing well and he’s a high earner
I have nothing in comparison apart from fab friends - wonderful adult DC who support me in every way they can - I may not earn heaps but I’m proud of my career and the people I help
The moral high ground helps me a lot

Haven’t rtft but just wanted to reassure you OP re your children. My parents divorced when me and my brothers were young teens. We went from living in a huge sprawling estate to a tiny terrace with my mum with no central heating. Dad had a big house and garden. I don’t think we ever went in that garden and my memories of his place are weird and tense at best. The home my mum made for us in that tiny house however was warm and full of love, arguments, pets, crying with laughter, weird games- life basically. We knew we were poor but we were happy and it’s made us all very close. Bit of a cliche but true. I have recently moved to be close to them whereas my dad is no longer in my life. As others have said if your kids know you love them it’s worth more than any fancy house.

My 1st husband was an alcoholic who couldn't keep a job more than a week, I was at 1 point forced to steal toilet roll from work to take home when I eventually left I had huge debts that he had run up in my name, no bank account of my own and no job, countless ccjs etc.

Finally we got divorced after a few years that I'd paid for as he pleaded poverty.

2 months later he got married (fancy wedding) and bought a very nice house. I was still sleeping on my mums sofa unable to even get a bank account. 15 years on I'm still so annoyed about it.

I don't think your being unreasonable at all!!

Obviously you are upset, YANBU, you are only human. But YABU if you don't get over it and move on. Nursing a grievance about this will not change anything. Life's unfair. I understand this as I felt similarly about a recent situation (not involving husband but also about me coming off as the poor relation). I think you just have to make a determined effort to get past it. You will, if you try, and as others have said, your home, full of love, sounds richer. I'd rather be with you than the gruesome twosome. I wish you all the best and I'm sure you will get by this. Who knows, maybe you will make your fortune and buy a big fuck-off house of your own. But who cares, as long as you are a loving mum and a lovely person, which you really sound like. Good luck.

I get how you feel.
Does ‘dad’ pay much maintenance towards kids upkeep? Maybe that new financial situation that needs to be looked at so maintenance can be fairly recalculated for the kids.
Here in the UK maintenance is worked out yearly & based on paying parents income for the year previous so it can fluctuate. I’m not looking forward to next year due to covid restrictions on working as my DD maintenance may take a hit. Most of it goes into savings for her but some is used for big days out & gifts that we otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford.
Clearly dad has more freedom than you to work where & when he wants (you said have the kids the majority of the time) & potentially has a sugar mommy so he is going to be able to do more for himself & earn more.

It is gauling to see him carrying on without a care in the world but men are like that. They don’t feel or see things like we do 🤷‍♀️

Try not to let this eat you up inside.
I imagine it is all financed & they are up to their necks in debt to have this ‘perfect’ looking life. That money pressure will potentially cause tension on their relationship.

What goes around comes around.

When a man marries his mistress, it creates a vacancy. You're richer than they are right now ♥️

If you think he hid assets during the seperation/divorce and financial settlement then get in touch with the solicitor that dealt with the seperation/ divorce, they will be very interested in this if he previously pleaded poverty.
Wondering how he got to keep all his pension with a 45 / 55 split too ?

You have EVERY RIGHT to be angry and bitter. But please please please try not to be.
My cousin went through the same thing when her kids were young - only her husband left her for a woman who weighed about 4 tonnes & was a miserable POS. Nobody could figure it out.
My cousin was extremely bitter and complained & moaned to everyone & anyone who would listen. It got old super fast. She’s now in her 80s, never remarried, drinks excessively & sits in her house alone & makes phone calls to her grandchildren who stopped answering long ago.
It’s not a pretty sight.
Please don’t be like my cousin.

When I split I learned a few tricks to get on with life.
1 don't refer to him as your ex that's too personal to you, he is your children's father, this reminds you that he is still precious to your children and soon you find it difficult to have strong feelings of any kind for him.
2 you can only control what you do in this life, and how you react. You can choose to smile and turn the other cheek or be eaten up by bad feeling.
3 never speak ill of their father and his partner, children remember and as they get older they form their own opinions based on how they are treated and how they see him treating others

They are only little tips but I found them helpful, I hope they can be of some help to you 💐

I think there's lots of OW on this thread 😂

He's an arsehole, yes you gotta move on and you are but it doesn't take away the sting and the unfairnw of the legal system. It sucks, and it's ok to acknowledge that it sucks

YANBU but you need to take a deep breath and move on because literally no good can come of this.

Be glad you're rid of the lying, cheating POS, recognise you had a near miss because he will likely do it again and put your energy into being happy, enjoying your kids and improving your own lane.

He lied about having the OW, he was never going to tell the truth about his finances.

Don't let these arseholes live rent free in your head, you will regret the time you've wasted on it. The time will come when you will meet someone else and be deliriously happy but for now just focus on feeling better and achieving closure.

Whatever the girlfriend has is by the by. A lot of this depends on your age and are the kids sound like they r still at school. Unless i hv missed something i didn't see that u got any alimony. U shd hv got half of everything and alimony or a lump sum and the kids' allowance for living with u and his promise to pay for all further education. 3 years and u shd move on - no absolutely not, how cd u when u fon't feel u hv been treated fairly. This is the problem, Looks like u feel u hv been fleeced. I wd go back to court yr lawyers were crap and looks like negligent in their findings re income. He was legally bound to show all earnings. Gd luck xx

He will do the same to the OW. He's morally bankrupt and a disgrace. What goes round comes around always.

You are so much better off without him. The creep.

Why is it always the OW and not the lying cheating husband who is sure to get her just desserts?

Why if you haven't got a pension did you not get some of his