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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I looked :(

297 replies

stoplooking555 · 24/11/2020 00:33

Aghhh.

I've just recently divorced. In a nutshell, very messy. He lied about OW although I knew her and her partner and we figured it out between ourselves early on. It was a horrible divorce and finally settled on 55/45 split assets and this way I got to keep the small family home. Ex cried poor the whole time and made provisions for a 2 bed flat in the area and insisted he would be buying alone. He kept all of his pensions (I had none) and the proceeds from a small rental but on his earnings would be a healthy deposit and no probs to get an affordable mortgage.

Kids have come back from their contact weekend and told me all about the new house my ex bought. I was expecting this and knew it would be a big deal for me. It's not a 2 bed flat. It has a leafy drive and 3-4 bedrooms. OW was there when he showed kids around.

They are not on social media which is great. BUT I can see his Pinterest. We rennovated a couple of houses together so knew he'd update that.

Well...I saw luxury bathroom pins, free standing baths..marble...and...she was linked in the board.

Also kids will be getting own rooms, they share here...it's a small house.

I know I should be thankful I have a roof over my head but it's just galling he lied and in my mind he's doing up Buckingham palace.

AIBU - he deserves to move on and none of my business, we've been separated 3 years. Or am I right being so upset. Not sure if it's jealousy or rage he's lied - if he's bought with OW (high earner) then it's really not fair if they have 2 big incomes going forward and a dream house.

I worry the kids will see this house as a poor partner.

As for contesting his lies, the solicitor said I could but if he did end up buying with OW, then unlikely anything would happen as technically my needs were met.

The anxiety and upset is high though :(

OP posts:
Simonfromharlow · 25/11/2020 21:51

I know how you feel. I am in a very very similar situation. basically you just have to play the long game. the kids will work out who puts in the work! they won't always care what their dad can buy them, they will realise what you did for them. also I feel secure in the fact that my house although small is all mine and doesn't depend on my relationship working out unlike my ex.

ellyeth · 25/11/2020 22:34

I would feel exactly as you do.

HadaVerde · 25/11/2020 22:54

Only read the first page but IMO YANBU.

It’s understandable that you’re peed off.

However, be glad that your children are well catered for and that your ex is fully occupied with the OW.

Encourage your children to enjoy their time with their Pa and OW.

Enjoy your weekends without the kids.

Mamanyt · 25/11/2020 23:52

Ex and OW have a house. Make what you have a ^home*. Expect your kids to be excited about "stuff." They all are. But as some point, they are going to ask how this happened. Temper your answers to their ages, and NEVER bad-mouth your ex to them, but as they get older, they will realize that Daddy did well at your expense.

Get on with your life, and remember that you may yet, and possibly already are, doing better than your ex. His life is built on a foundation of lies, yours is not. And what OW did to her previous husband, she may well do to yours. As my mother said to the former secretary, now wife, of her boss when the woman cried bitterly about infidelity, "What did you expect? If they will do it with you, they will do it to you!"

Mumwithapub · 26/11/2020 01:04

Hey cockle hope you are feeling better knowing you are not alone and your not worthless as so many of us feel when we devote years to building a life a home and a family for someone to deviously set their sights on our DH and destroy everything that we have worked so hard for without a flying fuck about how it will affect our babies. Some women are seriously devious and most men fall for their crap as they are ego driven. Look up some of Tony Robbins stuff on YouTube. It is easy for people to say move on but when you have been working your life to a blueprint with DH and all of a sudden that blueprint is torn up you then find it hard to know how to rewrite what to put in a new blueprint for the rest of your life. Is the business that you say you dabbled in something that you could get your energy flowing into? As Tony says "Energy goes where focus flows!" Good luck in your quest for finding a better way forward xx

Enough4me · 26/11/2020 01:16

DCs need presence above presents. My exH tried to Disney Dad into our DCs emotions and minds and tried to damage me, but in not returning fire I keep the upper ground without feeling dirty. They know I love them first and foremost, I listen and I know them, and that is my priority.

I now have a relationship built on honesty and would never swap for a shiny fake one of lies.

Your ex could have a palace, but without honest love it's just stone!

ASimpleLampoon · 26/11/2020 07:30

Yanbu to be upset that is gutting but yabu to assume that the children will be happier there. Ex sounds like a selfish jerk and your kids almost likely have the measure of him as they mature.

Graceambrose · 26/11/2020 11:01

Think about you and your new beginning. Banish your thoughts of your justified pain and put your ex into the trash bin of history Live for you and your family. Wishing you a happy , exciting new beginning.

Ddot · 26/11/2020 11:35

Complete poo head

CSIblonde · 26/11/2020 15:26

Is it all his money though? Maybe the new partner is loaded or had family inheritance they're using. I wouldn't obsess about it. He might have a nice home but your children wont see that as 'better'. When you are a child , home is the best place regardless of size or posh bathrooms etc.

Justbrutallyhonest · 26/11/2020 16:14

I not sure what you want? It’s been 3 years, you were part of the negotiation in the divorce and settled for a larger share, just because they have two good incomes is not any concern.

It’s a good job there not on Facebook as you’d be stalking them by your own admission.

Come off all social media and enjoy your own life

Ddot · 26/11/2020 16:24

Say again why didnt you get some of his pension

Bluntness100 · 26/11/2020 16:26

@Ddot

Say again why didnt you get some of his pension
She offset it to get the house. She still got 55 percent.
Ddot · 26/11/2020 17:01

my sister got 80% of house 50% of pension and maintenance

Bluntness100 · 26/11/2020 17:10

@Ddot

my sister got 80% of house 50% of pension and maintenance
I don’t understand, why is this relevant? And a lot of people got a lot less. Much depends on age, length of marriage, ability to support ones self, kids, financial brackets of both parties etc.

That’s great dor your sister and all, and I’m sure you don’t mean it as a gloat, but also know full well it’s situation dependent, so I think I’m missing why what your sister got is in any way relevant to the op?

Freakout11 · 26/11/2020 17:13

Not completely irrelevant as surely demonstrating what can be possible. If the pp had given figures - that would be irrelevant. But percentages do have relevance

Ddot · 26/11/2020 17:47

Because she doesn't have a pension of her own, I wasnt gloating, after all it wasnt me. I got 50% of house and a black bag of belonging but I am childless. I just wanted to get away alive. Children, 55% of home no pension seems wrong.

Ddot · 26/11/2020 17:50

Gloating haha please I know you don't know me but gloating!

Freakout11 · 26/11/2020 18:06

@Ddot

Gloating haha please I know you don't know me but gloating!
Ignore the pp
Bluntness100 · 26/11/2020 18:08

@Ddot

Because she doesn't have a pension of her own, I wasnt gloating, after all it wasnt me. I got 50% of house and a black bag of belonging but I am childless. I just wanted to get away alive. Children, 55% of home no pension seems wrong.
Why? It depends on her age? Marriage isn’t a meal ticket for life. Both men and women are expected to financially support themselves.
Freakout11 · 26/11/2020 18:13

@Bluntness100

I’m going to take a punt here.

You’re not divorced are you?

Elfblossom · 26/11/2020 18:16

My ex hubby was a lying cheating violent shite dressed up in a suit with a good job (big retail store manager) ... I was well rid of him when he finally left but, yes even 13 years later, it still irks me that him and his 3rd wife have the actual rise covered cottage in the countryside BUT what they don't have is children. He reversed his vasectomy for her but, it didn't work.

I on the other hand have 4 amazing children, 3 are his and the 4th was a happy accident after we'd divorced.

He has no relationship with 3 of his 4 children (he had a son when we met) as only our youngest daughter still puts up with him.

You reap what you sow OP. don't be bitter, don't bad mouth him, be the better person, your children will always be better for it and they'll always value the love and happy memories with you above any material stuff Dad gives them.

Ddot · 26/11/2020 18:55

Its hard to be financially stable look after children run a home all on your own. It urks me when men leave start a new life with no thought of the financial mess they leave behind. I understand both parties need to start a new life but it's not that easy for the parent who gets custody of kids, men tend to go half but not go half

Graceambrose · 26/11/2020 20:10

Water under the bridge is water under the bridge. Get on with your life , look forward to new relationship.