I looked :(

[stoplooking555]

Aghhh.

I've just recently divorced. In a nutshell, very messy. He lied about OW although I knew her and her partner and we figured it out between ourselves early on. It was a horrible divorce and finally settled on 55/45 split assets and this way I got to keep the small family home. Ex cried poor the whole time and made provisions for a 2 bed flat in the area and insisted he would be buying alone. He kept all of his pensions (I had none) and the proceeds from a small rental but on his earnings would be a healthy deposit and no probs to get an affordable mortgage.

Kids have come back from their contact weekend and told me all about the new house my ex bought. I was expecting this and knew it would be a big deal for me. It's not a 2 bed flat. It has a leafy drive and 3-4 bedrooms. OW was there when he showed kids around.

They are not on social media which is great. BUT I can see his Pinterest. We rennovated a couple of houses together so knew he'd update that.

Well...I saw luxury bathroom pins, free standing baths..marble...and...she was linked in the board.

Also kids will be getting own rooms, they share here...it's a small house.

I know I should be thankful I have a roof over my head but it's just galling he lied and in my mind he's doing up Buckingham palace.

AIBU - he deserves to move on and none of my business, we've been separated 3 years. Or am I right being so upset. Not sure if it's jealousy or rage he's lied - if he's bought with OW (high earner) then it's really not fair if they have 2 big incomes going forward and a dream house.

I worry the kids will see this house as a poor partner.

As for contesting his lies, the solicitor said I could but if he did end up buying with OW, then unlikely anything would happen as technically my needs were met.

The anxiety and upset is high though :(

I separated from husband in January and he only pays child maintenance which in no way covers half my daughters costs. He’s got a very good job, living in a 2 bed private detached rental, inherited £14 grand camper when his dad died in January ( lied to me about getting it so I rang his step mother who told me he had, ) fought like shit and kept the furniture, big tv, computer etc. I’ve had to start again in housing association and if it weren’t for charitable and fathers help I’d be on the street. I too am angry but be angry that he cheated on you and know one deserves that. He’s not worth knowing if he could do that to you. But I do understand how pissed you are, me too when I drop my daughter off and he’s bought her a new PlayStation etc. But I’ve asked my daughter if she’d like to stay sometimes/live with her father and it’s a definite no. She tells me that’s because she loves me more because I care about her more and love her more than her father. Plus she reckons I’m the most loveliest person she’s met. None of those qualities depend on stuff, houses, new partners , because he’s got more than me. I’m just a more honest and caring person. It also makes me pissed to know that after 2 weeks when I left he’s on numerous dating sites looking for a ‘decent’ woman after being with each other for 21 years .It would have been a lot easier for me if he’d had an affair. You’re right to be angry about everything, especially when things are divided but you’re better than him. Look after your kids and show them that you love them that’s all you can do. That will be their constant things with you. Other houses, more stuff, bigger rooms will all fade and what then can your ex get them. Look after yourself as well as you deserve better then some cheating scumbag. ❤️

OP how are you doing? I hope you have been able to get some perspective.

Ddot, how do you know. You have no children. In todays world gender is not relevant.

Ddot, how do you know? You have no children I thought in today's world gender is irrelevant.

Yes I have no children but I don't live in a bubble. I worked with many divorced women. I know of only two whose children stayed with dad. The street I live in has three divorced woman only one got help with kids from ex. Maybe we have very different lives but believe me when I say a lot of men walk away for a fresher model. Start a nice new life and forget the mess thats left behind. I'm not saying that op is in that position. I've seen and heard some terrible stories. Stories that would make you cry its not like the movies

“Children, 55% of home no pension seems wrong”

It is wrong. He’s a high earner, she had a small business on the side. Not difficult to work out who did all the childcare, sick days, school pick ups at 3, holiday cover, night wake ups, cooking, cleaning. And who stayed late at work and furthered their career.

Of course she should have the lions share of assets and get pension rights. It will be easy for him to build his wealth back up. In all the time he’s been furthering his career, she’s been neglecting hers. And it’s not like she can now put the hours in at work with two kids to look after full time alone.

Plus she now has three mouths to feed. He only has to spend on himself (apart from the odd weekend here and there).

If marriage doesn’t mean you’re on the hook financially for life what’s the point of it? It becomes just a piece of paper.

“ In todays world gender is not relevant”

Really, can men now carry a baby for 9 months, give birth and breastfeed it for a year? I’ll be sure to remember that when we plan out next one.

OP, I think @yogi1 has made the a great point about real value. Be proud of what you do and are. Your DCs may mention "dad's new X", but they are talking to you as their stable loving parent. You do need to look after you too.

I have heard it for years BTW, "why don't we get a new...bathroom, car, PC, dad has new stuff?"

I explain I have one P/T income as their main carer and work to cover the mortgage and bills, but then realise they are not being mean, they are just asking questions and telling me what they see. It's me they tell everything to and it's me who does the real stuff with them that counts.

OP I haven’t read all the thread but I just wanted to say he’ll eventually do to her what he did to you. Men like that never change, let her enjoy her brief moment of glory it won’t last.
You will have the last laugh.

Your ex is undoubtedly a shite. Not worth lingering on his selfishness. In a way you are well off without him. Be happy in the moment.

hi everyone. Thank you for your replies. I am feeling better about it (a one hour therapy session helps!). So yes @nackajory I think I did find some perspective.

I think if i focus too hard on the division of assets i will get really angry. Although it was deemed “fair” we both had our needs met, the courts don’t seem to take into account career sacrifice for mothers as much as before. At 40 I’m apparently young enough to get myself back on my feet and start building my own pension. It’s going to take me until retirement at least to get what he has now though. They also said, that i could downsize when the kids have grown which is frankly laughable.

Luckily I wasn’t stupid enough to listen to my ex about not worrying about work and always kept my toe in, even though the children are small i am starting to build up my biz. Not on a scale of his salary and career progression (and time freedom!) of course. i don’t care what people say about both genders being able to financially support themselves/marriage isn’t a meal ticket, it is SO MUCH HARDER to get rolling at 40 whilst still working compacted hours due to school times. I work late and my arse off for it.

I would not swap that for seeing the children less though. Priceless.

I suppose they saw me having more of the “liquid” assets whereas most for him was tied up in his pension. He will have disposed of or hidden wisely, any cash assets he had, hence why i had to give him everything spare I had to offset the home.

At the end of the day, he could keel over before he gets his precious pension. (cough)

Saying that he’s had plenty, a timely inheritance post divorce he knew was coming, a good career and mortgage power, and of course a second income from someone else. And yes, it is a valid point as had he honestly disclosed that, he would have got less out of me. He came to this relationship in debt with his hands in his pockets, I taught him how to manage money (too well- ha) and my family even got him his job!

I’m hoping the long game will work. The children and i have a solid relationship, and we have so much more fun now that miserable, uptight man is gone! No-one watches their clock anymore. If anything we have become closer and long may that continue. They love their dad, and I never want to stand in the way of that but I do hope on some level they understand when they are older, probably when they have a family of their own.

The ruthlessness, deceit and betrayal is going to take some time to get over. There is no way he had to be so vicious in getting every penny he could, pay the absolute minimum maintenance he could or be so EA. I’d love to “just get over it” but that’s not how normal, functioning adult minds work. i’d love to wave a wand. But I’m putting the work in so I’m not going to be bitter long-term. No way.

They are both a disgrace and I think once they are settled, each will be thinking about how the relationship formed on such immoral ground and lies and they’ll be questioning both each others characters. They better have strong passwords on their phones!

@Ddot “fu*k him in the ear” is one of my favourite sayings.

You have a home, he has a house.
Be thankful you are rid of him, kiss the walls, the floors and the doors of the home that is yours.
Your kids will remember where the love and the memories are made not who had the poshest bathroom.
They will also very quickly see what a liar he is but they will need to find that out for themselves.
By all means be a bit envious, be pissed off but remember, stuff and thats all it is, stuff, does not make you happy. Yes its easier to cry in a Rolls Royce than it is on a push bike but at the end of the day you are the winner in this.
oh and just remember how hard marble is and how painful it is when you stub your toe on it, which he will, so just imagine him going naked into the bathroom, stubbing his toe on his beloved marble and running round with his tiny peanut dick flapping in the wind! be happy - you have it all

@stoplooking555 the best way you can feel better is to strive for better - improve your own career, pursue your interests. Stop caring about what they do, that's their lives and their money. I'm also single with young children, I enjoy work and am optimistic about the future.

stoplooking555
Just keep going sweetie, just you keep going and remember what I said, BEST REVENGE IS TO BE HAPPY. 😘

I voted YABU as, tbh, I'm projecting. My exH and I split 5 years ago, and he is STILL interested in my life and business! And he's supposed to be getting married next year (the kids offered that info, I didnt enquire, and did my usual response of "oh right"). So my reasoning for my vote is, if you are truly happy, then please move on fully. And that means no checking up on him (or her)

Hi OP - really good to see your post yesterday. Sounds like you are on the right path.

I think you realise it and it doesn't need stating, but just to reinforce it -- Try to put his unfairness, lies and betrayal behind you. And keep in mind that the law only ever provides rough justice - never properly fair.
Try to focus on the moments of the day when you feel content and happy.
Try to keep your house tidy and organised, and it will feel like a much bigger house.
Teach your children to respect and be proud of a mother who is able to earn enough to support her children. Also to respect and be proud of a mother who recognises that she can't change the past, but she can work on her future. They may realise that you have such qualities on their own, but you can also teach them. It's a bit like teaching children to respect and value people who are kind, brave, grateful, tolerant, self-aware etc. You can leave them to figure it out, or you can pepper conversations with points that help them realise these positive traits sooner rather than later.
Try to be 'present', 'available' and relaxed with your children as much as possible. All children - whatever age - value that more than anything. Even more than the best bedroom, bathroom, games console, fancy trip.....It's not easy to be' present', especially when you're tired, stressed or bored. But how much you can give of yourself has nothing to do with how wealthy you are. So at least you can 'afford' it. And the dividends are fantastic.

PS if you check up on him (it's natural to be curious) -- try and choose moments when you are feeling strong. And remind yourself before you look/find out that it could bring on difficult feelings; to prepare yourself.

I split with my Husband 19 year ago. He pleaded poverty so I bought him out of the house paid off our debts and never received any maintenance from him. Fortunately I had a good job. I never bad mouthed him in front of kids but over the years they see him for what he is. He’s remarried with another 2 kids still at school chavvy wife, mortgage and working for at least another 10 years. I’m retired early voluntarily on private pension, a good sum in bank and own my house outright and am really close to my kids. Don’t be bitter. Concentrate on your own happiness. They sound like they value possessions more than each other

OP, I'm so with you. The injustice of it all

But I think your determination to move ahead will save you!

@FredaNerkk that's a really good point on rough justice. Exactly what it is. I will have to find a way to make peace with it.

Also yes, being available to the children is key. I'm often time poor and angry that the lack of a second pair of hands means they get less attention. I can't cook and play at the same time and when the schools shut I couldn't dedicate my time to each child properly with schooling. I tried! We managed but it was tough.

I do feel guilty about all that too. Disney dad can have his neat EOW pockets.