I looked :(

[stoplooking555]

Aghhh.

I've just recently divorced. In a nutshell, very messy. He lied about OW although I knew her and her partner and we figured it out between ourselves early on. It was a horrible divorce and finally settled on 55/45 split assets and this way I got to keep the small family home. Ex cried poor the whole time and made provisions for a 2 bed flat in the area and insisted he would be buying alone. He kept all of his pensions (I had none) and the proceeds from a small rental but on his earnings would be a healthy deposit and no probs to get an affordable mortgage.

Kids have come back from their contact weekend and told me all about the new house my ex bought. I was expecting this and knew it would be a big deal for me. It's not a 2 bed flat. It has a leafy drive and 3-4 bedrooms. OW was there when he showed kids around.

They are not on social media which is great. BUT I can see his Pinterest. We rennovated a couple of houses together so knew he'd update that.

Well...I saw luxury bathroom pins, free standing baths..marble...and...she was linked in the board.

Also kids will be getting own rooms, they share here...it's a small house.

I know I should be thankful I have a roof over my head but it's just galling he lied and in my mind he's doing up Buckingham palace.

AIBU - he deserves to move on and none of my business, we've been separated 3 years. Or am I right being so upset. Not sure if it's jealousy or rage he's lied - if he's bought with OW (high earner) then it's really not fair if they have 2 big incomes going forward and a dream house.

I worry the kids will see this house as a poor partner.

As for contesting his lies, the solicitor said I could but if he did end up buying with OW, then unlikely anything would happen as technically my needs were met.

The anxiety and upset is high though :(

@ViciousJackdaw he's very good at DIY 😁

I would give £100, hell £1000, to not give a toss full stop and be released from feeling like this.

I have a sensible side that knows love, time with the kids, not being with a filthy liar etc.. Is worth a million marble bogs. I've got all the mantras about revenge is living life well... Then this little imp on my shoulder that makes my heart sink, and flushes me with these pangs of... I dunno what. Anger, jealousy...

I'm more annoyed about being annoyed about it, trust me 😔

Also lolz at the targeted ads trolling me in this thread.

ViciousJackdaw is absolutely spot on about Pinterest. It isn't things we have, it's aspirations and pretty things etc.

If you looked through my Pinterest boards and then came and had a poke around my real life, I imagine you would be quite disappointed lol...

I moved out, rented in several grotty houses but worked my way up to a point where we are now secure and even all have our own bedrooms! Hw lives in the ex-family 5 bedroom home, alone, as the children don't like going there. Some people's values are, sadly, about their own self-esteem, rather than that of their children. You know and he knows he lied. It is unfortunate your solicitor didn't fight for a share of the pensions, but I really do appreciate with EA it is more desirable just to get as far away as possible without incurring too much more damage.

I have a smaller house than ex DH. At first it pissed me off. He was financially abusive (as well as physically and emotionally abusive), a lot of the money he’s used was my inheritance from my dad dying. But, DS calls there ‘daddy’s house’ and here ‘home’ and that’s all that matters!!!!!
Plus I met DP, he is the opposite of ExH in every way. DP and I are looking to move to somewhere else this year. So circumstances change.

So what if he’s doing his house up? Let him crack on. Imagine all the bullshit their lives are built on. Distract yourself and put your energy and focus on doing lovely stuff for yourself and your kids.

Don't fall into the 'living well is the best revenge' trap. Your life should be lived, for better or for worse, with no reference at all to him. But he is a shitty, awful man all the same. I were you I would keep on hoping that one day karma will catch up with him.

I had to give him every penny of my savings and a big loan). Now he's installing luxury bathrooms. That's what's wrong.
If you want to dig, and can afford to hire a PI, maybe do that. You can go after your solicitor too for lack of due diligence.

If he misrepresented his finances to the family court he can be found in contempt.

He’s cheat on her or she’ll cheat on him, at some point.

I don’t understand why he kept his pensions, the rental property, you had to give him your savings and take out a big loan? Was it to buy him out if the house? It sounds like your lawyer wasn’t very good?

Hey OP, I totally get this! Be kind to yourself, it’s normal to want to see some kind of moral rebalancing and it’s hard to accept someone can cheat on you and ‘get away with it’ as it were.

My ExH moved in with OW 5 years ago and for the first 2 years they lived in her tiny shabby flat on the outskirts of town. Obv they were saving up and bought a family home last year- I was straight onto Zoopla and it did me no good.I think it’s definitely normal to ‘compare’ when there’s been an affair but as you’ve found out it’s not healthy or happy.

Try to ignore it- you don’t know the full story, they could be in debt, it could be 80% hers etc etc. Pinterest shows you his dream house not his actual home.

(and to pp’s saying you’ve not moved on- 3 years is not v much as both sides establish new lives and you all adjust- it’s not like an ideal break up where you can delete his number and forget he exists unfortunately!)

I get it, its more about the fact he fooled you, pretended there wasn't another woman, pretended you were getting a good deal in the separation and screwed you over by fighting you for every last penny. Then pops up with the 'new' woman, new expensive house and all looks great for him. I think It is normal to feel what you feel, I would too !

If you had fought him so as not to get screwed over - imagine what the stress of all that would have been like, exhausting and upsetting.

If I think of which house my DCs, once old enough, would hang out at with mates, it wasn't often mine, I'm not very laid back or outgoing, it was often the noisy untidy house, of any size, where they felt welcome.
Big house doesn't mean happy house.

That's what you have a solicitor for. I think your sol dropped the ball.

Thin veneer of perfection on a tacky relationship.

OP this happened to me over 30 years ago and I can still feel a bit bitter when I think about it ! My now adult children have told me that while the house was nice they were not allowed to play freely or move anything. The stepmum was a terrible cook and made them finish everything. They used to fill their mouths then go to the toilet to spit it out ! They much preferred our tatty little home.

Honestly don't give it a second thought. My ex earns more than double what I do, he has a lovely detached 4 bedroom house with a big garden, I have a small 2 bed semi with a postage stamp garden. DS has never even mentioned the difference.

Its shit but you have to move on now. Best of luck.

Liars lie. The kids won't care. During my divorce by ex went against the law and bought a MANSION. Cried poverty like mad, but my lawyer was amazing and figured things out. Long story short, I live in a small apartment, ex lives in a 5 bedroom with a pool and outdoor kitchen. Even during the pandemic my kids preferred it here. And even if they like it there it is OK. Good for the kids. They will still love it with you. Oh, and liars lie! Let them be. You don't want it.

I think I would feel better had he not lied for 3 years

So his past behaviour still dictates to your current frame of mind. He isn't even present. You could choose to spend your time thinking about a million things, but you choose to feel bitter.

It is galling, but ultimately it's on you, now. Why do you still allow him the power to gall you? It's your life. You're the boss.

I wonder why you didn’t get half his pensions ? That’s something that has been mentioned to me about divorce now, or was it so you could have the house?

Also don’t forget they probably have a massive mortgage

Also going through a divorce here. ExH has lied through his teeth to anyone who will listen. Also pleaded poor in mediation, but kept our house. It has always been in his family, so I was happy to try to accommodate that, but he thought that meant him keeping everything else too. I fought for enough to set myself up in a new home, so of course, I'm the root of all evil.
I had to buy a house that needed work, so that I had enough room within my budget, whereas he has already moved the OW in. Every week I get to hear about what they've splurged cash on now, while I'm trying to work full time, look after my girls, and do up my house one bit at a time
The important part there though, is it's MY house, and it's mine and my girls home, and we're happier here. In a couple of years or so, I will have finished tidying this house up, and everything will work. I will still have a small mortgage, and a home full of love, and an epic collection of board games! He can keep his big, soulless house.

It's galling when you see an XP ostensibly doing better than yourself but you said yourself that the OW is a high earner and obviously 2 incomes are better than one when it comes to house purchases.

As others have pointed out, you could meet a rich partner and have a lovely home later on. Or you could be happy in your own lovely home now that is all yours and noone can take off you.

You both got your fair share of the marital assets and I assume your XH is paying maintenance?

I don't see that the XH has done anything wrong here unless he is hiding income and/or refusing to pay maintenance. He was entitled to marital assets as you were and the fact that he now has a rich partner does not make him less entitled.

You're well rid of him from the sound of it op. Try not to obsess over it, it's ultimately futile and only hurts you.

I had a terrible time many years ago when ex partner dumped me a few months before our wedding. He signed the mortgage over to me and I had to juggle that, work, and a 1 year old. He was living it up with his wealthy gf - they married, gorgeous house, few children etc. They split up a few years ago and he's now in a 1 bedroom flat in a rough area.
I met my DH, we both sold our houses to buy a fab house which we own outright and we have a very nice lifestyle - I became a SAHM years ago and love it.
Things have a way of working out. Good luck op.

OP, it can be a long wait but eventually, believe me, one day your children will say something, just a few words, and you will realise in that moment that they understand everything. Best thing you can do is stand back, let him have the best relationship he can with his children and just wait....I thought it would never happen but it did. My kids know which side their bread is buttered and it’s not with the money and the big house.

Urgh terrible night sleep. Its like a taste of those early sepetation days.

To all those re solicitors - we fought as hard as he did. £15k 2 solicitors later. He refused to admit OW even showing up he'd gone on holiday with her in a financial trail. But these days that doesn't matter, it's only if he's bought a home with her and of a 2 income home. Which, it seems he has. But as my sol said, I coukd take him back to court but it would be another expensive, stressful journey. I just about survived the first.

He does pay maintenance, but again, has scraped to the last penny he can get away with. He's always been ridiculously tight.