I looked :(

[stoplooking555]

Aghhh.

I've just recently divorced. In a nutshell, very messy. He lied about OW although I knew her and her partner and we figured it out between ourselves early on. It was a horrible divorce and finally settled on 55/45 split assets and this way I got to keep the small family home. Ex cried poor the whole time and made provisions for a 2 bed flat in the area and insisted he would be buying alone. He kept all of his pensions (I had none) and the proceeds from a small rental but on his earnings would be a healthy deposit and no probs to get an affordable mortgage.

Kids have come back from their contact weekend and told me all about the new house my ex bought. I was expecting this and knew it would be a big deal for me. It's not a 2 bed flat. It has a leafy drive and 3-4 bedrooms. OW was there when he showed kids around.

They are not on social media which is great. BUT I can see his Pinterest. We rennovated a couple of houses together so knew he'd update that.

Well...I saw luxury bathroom pins, free standing baths..marble...and...she was linked in the board.

Also kids will be getting own rooms, they share here...it's a small house.

I know I should be thankful I have a roof over my head but it's just galling he lied and in my mind he's doing up Buckingham palace.

AIBU - he deserves to move on and none of my business, we've been separated 3 years. Or am I right being so upset. Not sure if it's jealousy or rage he's lied - if he's bought with OW (high earner) then it's really not fair if they have 2 big incomes going forward and a dream house.

I worry the kids will see this house as a poor partner.

As for contesting his lies, the solicitor said I could but if he did end up buying with OW, then unlikely anything would happen as technically my needs were met.

The anxiety and upset is high though :(

More proof has not come to light. His buying a house with his partner is not proof he lied. Even if he bought it himself it’s not proof he lied, he could have received a cash gift, a big promotion, anything., but as his partner was there and showed the kids round, , is involved in thr decor etc, and they have been together years it’s highly likely they have bought together.

Exactly this.

After divorcing, he has bought a property with his new partner that their joint income has allowed them to afford. He hasn't been sitting on secret bank account etc.

It sounds like the solicitors on both sides hammered out the divorce to reach an agreement, so while people may think he wasn't generous in what he wanted from the settlement, he has only been given what he was legally seen to be entitled to.

I can imagine it's annoying in OP's position to see him (ostensibly) doing so well and not having to face the consequences of leaving the family that anyone in her shoes would hope he might - for instance living in a small property or being alone. But while these are understandable sentiments, equally he hasn't done anything wrong in buying this house.

It’s really really hard when this happens and you have my utmost sympathies OP.

I think the best you can do is forge ahead with your own life and make it the best you can as there is probably little you can do to redress the balance.

I’d say karmas a bitch and he’ll get his but sadly that’s not always true and some bad/nasty people just seem to breeze through life. It’s bloody unfair and it would be so good if those not deserving got their just deserts but sometimes it’s just the way life is. Doesn’t mean it’s not shit/unfair though and of course your feelings are justified as the wronged party.

Just try to focus on what you can control/change which is living your life to the fullest you can and making the most of every opportunity. If you give yourself a wholly fulfilled life then you’ll not worry about what he has/is up to as much and hopefully eventually not at all. But it does take time and 3 years isn’t that much time.

Wishing you all the best x

No one breezes past karma in my experience, you may not be there in person to watch the fall out, it may come many years later, but that is not to say it won't happen.

[quote Series2]@Bibidy Its mad isn't it?!? I will never be seen as a good person in some people's eyes, but some evil nasty bitch somehow. And now i am a liar as well according to some on here.

Almost tempted to post my original threads in my real username and let everyone see the love and support I had on here, whilst never being horrible about the ex, not once. But I actually don't need to justify myself any more to anyone, as its their problem really. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I just don't understand where it comes from.[/quote]
Yeah I wouldn't even bother, no point.

What's funny is that nobody (quite rightfully) is defending the actions of the father in question in OP's original post here, and yet because it's the other way round in your scenario and the mother is the one who tore the family apart and abandoned her own son, people are looking for reasons to forgive and feel sorry, AND to blame it on you - as always, the stepmother gets it in the neck, despite the fact you opened up your home and took on the care of child that isn't your own for all these years.

[quote Series2]@Bibidy Its mad isn't it?!? I will never be seen as a good person in some people's eyes, but some evil nasty bitch somehow. And now i am a liar as well according to some on here.

Almost tempted to post my original threads in my real username and let everyone see the love and support I had on here, whilst never being horrible about the ex, not once. But I actually don't need to justify myself any more to anyone, as its their problem really. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I just don't understand where it comes from.[/quote]
If you don't need to justify yourself to anyone, maybe consider stopping justifying yourself all over someone else's thread

OP wait and see the explosion when you’re ready to move on and find yourself a nice chap- that was the point that my ExH went crazy because I wasn’t going to stay in my modest old house living in some nice shrine to his old life.

It was like he left his old life and was happy to watch it continue without him but once I made changes and moved on and his old life was gone he finally felt the loss I’d grieved years ago.

[quote Series2]@Bibidy Its mad isn't it?!? I will never be seen as a good person in some people's eyes, but some evil nasty bitch somehow. And now i am a liar as well according to some on here.

Almost tempted to post my original threads in my real username and let everyone see the love and support I had on here, whilst never being horrible about the ex, not once. But I actually don't need to justify myself any more to anyone, as its their problem really. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I just don't understand where it comes from.[/quote]
Such innocence! I'm just asking why you thought this particular thread was a suitable place to share "your side" of a completely different situation. Unless you're suggesting OP is also a drug addict and an unfit mother who cheated on her husband and harasses her ex and his new partner. These are quite defining features of your experience, and given they're not present here, why on earth did you think this thread was the place for them?

I mean, he sounds like a complete knob - but at the end of the day it has been 3 years, you need to stop letting him influence your emotions like this, and just move on.

It's probably quite exciting for the kids, but it's just because it's a novelty at the moment - I think any new house would be, particularly if they get their own rooms.

But you're their mum, and more precious to them than any house ever could be.

It sounds like you're jealous and bitter at the moment, which is absolutely a normal reaction (I hate seeing my lying, cheating, abusive ex doing well for himself too), but for your own sanity and for the happiness of you and your children, you have to let it go.

Firstly, thank you to everyone that took time to reply. it helps. Collectively, Mumsnet is a powerful place.

I take on board the “time to get over this” - it really is, it’s doing me no favours, and also the “you have every right to be angry and upset” - I really do, this divorce deserves it’s own Netflix series. I swing like pendulum between the two.

As for those two, I’m not sure it makes me feel better that they have it coming to them. I was blindsided - no idea this was coming. He was dry and a bit dull…driven, but no way i knew this was waiting for me. He was absolutely fine in the marriage - just ripped off a mask at the very end which was shocking. It was abrupt. Weeks, not months.

I spent the first 6 months separation watching him rewrite history, recount situations that weren’t true. The classic “I’ve been unhappy for years” cheat script - what? The bit where we were out to dinner laughing our heads off last month!?

I can only imagine the woe is me dialogue he’s given to HIS PARTNER (ick - no, still feels wrong) and she, wanting him for years, is happy to overlook the leaving-the-wife-and-kids bit as some lost soul that needed rescuing and it was always meant to be narrative. She will have been given a script not the truth. He will have rewritten his dialogue - he’s already told the kids he met her at work!!

I don’t think they sleep with one eye open or feel tortured by any guilt. Minimal if so. I know them both, and both are selfish to the core. I don’t think it will be plain sailing for them - i saw how she treated her partner, my friend, at the time. Even my ex said she was crazy (doesn’t remember that bit apparently!)

@IdblowJonSnow nail on head. No thankfully, this is not a daily feeling. More of a little grey cloud still with me in the background but sometimes turns to a storm on occasion when I come across big news.

@Techway - exactly. Judge isn’t going to follow your ex around and agree what a twat he is or delve deeper than the paperwork they’ve been given. Liars and master manipulators do very well as it’s so hard (and costly) to prove otherwise. Gratitude does help.

@Farewelltoqualms I’m expecting the marriage reveal - going to need an armour suit for that! Doubt children are on the cards as that was the responsibility that got in the way of my exH’s freedom and lifestyle! She’s the same.

As for the settlement - yes i technically had enough but you have to declare your immediate intentions. He swore blind he was buying alone. that he needed every penny from all the other assets to do so.

If you are due to shack up with other on two healthy incomes then that puts you in a different financial situation and that is a factor. He lied and lied and lied and lied. Had he felt there was a £1 coin in my back pocket he would have asked for a cut of it.

His position - knowing he was moving on with someone else of equal income vs me on a modest income and having to handover everything - my buffer and security - where he would have had plenty on their joint salary on the rental flat sale alone. He's clearly got enough to plash out on lux fixtures.

I also take offence to him keeping all his pension - that was our security - he told me not to bother starting mine as he had it in hand, and our rental investment that would see us right!

I'm lucky there were assets at all, appreciate some are left with bugger all and that's awful. but it doesn't make it ok what he got away with just because I have a roof over my head.

I think I would be mad to go back to court. The therapy bill alone would obliterate any benefit I may get. I also have zero respect for the legal system. It would probably only be worthwhile if we are talking about major dishonesty in non-disclosure of business assets of similar worth hundreds of thousands sadly. The order wouldn’t be substantially different as we are not rich, but that £50-100k or a healthy pension does make a difference at our level, just not in the eyes of the court. Maybe a quick chat with the solicitor but I bet more that it will put me at peace of knowing there’s no point.

Quite natural to be upset OP. I would be very upset too. But you are only human and it is obvious you lost more. It sounds like cliche but the best thing would be to live your life and enjoy it and let time heal you. Rant on though. We are here.

Despite my post advocating for moving on, sometimes you do just need a bit of a moan and a rant too!
It is really shocking when someone you have loved suddenly turns into someone else. It's weird but some people can do this, almost like shedding a skin.
You sound like a decent and well rounded person despite all that's happened.

Fells so good to get it out though - thank you.

@Friendsoftheearth

Series Do you think your dh's ex wife feels you bought her son, the 'education and opportunities' will be something she could not compete with in her two bedroom flat. Your gym and pool and all the rest is something she could never provide, she may feel she lost her son to you. I don't think you can be so angry with her, she lost her child, and that is a very hard thing to get over. I felt sorry for her reading you post if I am honest. You deserve your hard earned trappings definitely, but perhaps show some compassion for someone in pain may be the kinder route to take, given she really has got the raw end of the deal.

Same, reading series2's post i see a lack of empathy and feel sorry for a woman whose son went to live with the couple in the bigger house. It is sad. Not for series2 perhaps but sad for 19 yr olds mum.

@Beamur

Despite my post advocating for moving on, sometimes you do just need a bit of a moan and a rant too! It is really shocking when someone you have loved suddenly turns into someone else. It's weird but some people can do this, almost like shedding a skin. You sound like a decent and well rounded person despite all that's happened.

Yes, getting out of victim mindset cannot be rushed or forced. Processing what happened first is vital to recovering properly.

@FortunesFave

He could have a mansion with 12 bedrooms and it wouldn't matter if your home is the one with the most love in it OP.

Forget it. Natural to be upset but that's not healthy for you.

This ♡

You moan away to us op, everyone needs to vent at times, and this sounds like it has been pretty awful for you for years.

That said, you sound ace, and no way should you be wasting yourself and your life on that lowlife and his crappy bathrooms any longer.

I hope when it all comes crashing down for him (and it will) you will be long gone and past caring. You and your children deserve much, much better than his sad little affair, and his grubby antics. His mask did slip but thankfully you are not 65 when it happened, and there is plenty of life left to really enjoy and invest in something better.

All the best to you

**were not 65

Its not just men that f*ck women over in divorce. My partners xwife literally devalued their marital property so she could get her hands on more of his pension. She dragged every decision out for months, with unnecessary cross letters and basically the whole divorce cost £100k. Luckily the judge saw through her stupidity and awarded 50/50. My partner could have argued the devaluation more and the attached business but the barrister on the day (another 10k) told both of them to put a price on happiness and move on. Luckily they did! Don't be bitter about what you could have had, just aspire to do better.

Self employed

Or employed?

@Snooper22

Its not just men that f*ck women over in divorce. My partners xwife literally devalued their marital property so she could get her hands on more of his pension. She dragged every decision out for months, with unnecessary cross letters and basically the whole divorce cost £100k. Luckily the judge saw through her stupidity and awarded 50/50. My partner could have argued the devaluation more and the attached business but the barrister on the day (another 10k) told both of them to put a price on happiness and move on. Luckily they did! Don't be bitter about what you could have had, just aspire to do better.

What did she do to devalue?

@Friendsoftheearth you mustbe reading a different thread.

When the woman had the affair and left teh home,that was her choice.

She could have stayed with her dh and built a business up.But she didnt.

So if shes in a 2 bedroomed flat on her own,well thats her fault.She made choices,its just her ex made better choices.
And maybe she chose coke over her son.

@rolo they had a fishery in an EU country, she did no upkeep/maintenance for 2 yrs think overgrown etc and drained the water from the lakes to a min. so the valuation was devalued!