I looked :(

[stoplooking555]

Aghhh.

I've just recently divorced. In a nutshell, very messy. He lied about OW although I knew her and her partner and we figured it out between ourselves early on. It was a horrible divorce and finally settled on 55/45 split assets and this way I got to keep the small family home. Ex cried poor the whole time and made provisions for a 2 bed flat in the area and insisted he would be buying alone. He kept all of his pensions (I had none) and the proceeds from a small rental but on his earnings would be a healthy deposit and no probs to get an affordable mortgage.

Kids have come back from their contact weekend and told me all about the new house my ex bought. I was expecting this and knew it would be a big deal for me. It's not a 2 bed flat. It has a leafy drive and 3-4 bedrooms. OW was there when he showed kids around.

They are not on social media which is great. BUT I can see his Pinterest. We rennovated a couple of houses together so knew he'd update that.

Well...I saw luxury bathroom pins, free standing baths..marble...and...she was linked in the board.

Also kids will be getting own rooms, they share here...it's a small house.

I know I should be thankful I have a roof over my head but it's just galling he lied and in my mind he's doing up Buckingham palace.

AIBU - he deserves to move on and none of my business, we've been separated 3 years. Or am I right being so upset. Not sure if it's jealousy or rage he's lied - if he's bought with OW (high earner) then it's really not fair if they have 2 big incomes going forward and a dream house.

I worry the kids will see this house as a poor partner.

As for contesting his lies, the solicitor said I could but if he did end up buying with OW, then unlikely anything would happen as technically my needs were met.

The anxiety and upset is high though :(

I have been in a similar position to your dc as a child regarding parents being divorced and one having more money than the other.

There was no infidelity involved but my mum moved to a very leafy suburb, got a massive four bed with a drive and a garden, excellent transport links to the city centre and five minutes from the beach.

She let my dad keep the small, dilapidated, falling to bits family home in a very rough part of the city.

One house was absolutely richer than the other (my mum took me on holidays, my dad borrowed money off me to keep the lights on) but that made absolutely NO DIFFERENCE to how much I enjoyed spending time in each house.

I loved it in my mum's with the posh bathroom and the beach and my lovely mum, and I loved it in my dad's with my comfortable old bedroom and familiar surroundings and my lovely dad. I was 11 nearly 12 when they split so quite aware of the economic disparity.

So try not to beat yourself up, because you would be surprised how little these things matter, what will matter is how happy and loving each home is.

OP... felt had to ask: what makes you happy? brings you joy? what do you look forward to? do you know?
Focussing on losses is really soul destroying.
Also, it seems to me that by thinking about your exH's so-called gains, you're allowing your own values to be undermined.
You know what actually matters in life- please focus on that instead.

The relationship I have with my kids now is well worth being the ‘poor’ parent. Yes I gritted my teeth as he took them on lovely holidays and bought a big house and yet another new car. But truth will out, his inherent selfishness is obvious to both kids now they’re grown up and they find it hard to respect him or even believe him.

Don’t let him do any more damage to you, you’re well shot and he’s a wanker.

[quote littleloopylou]@katnyps based on the description of the ex, he sounds like a Disneyland dad who likes to just see the kids enough to feel like a good father, and it seems pretty clear that he strategically withheld information about his financial circumstances to screw OP out of a fair share of the assets, which of course affects his children's lives as well.

Personally I think that people like that probably don't have the same capacity for love as a mother who sacrifices career, free time, everything to make a happy home for her children.[/quote]
I think your last statement is judgement and insulting to people who aren’t able or don’t want to sacrifice their career to be a loving mum. A loving parent doesn’t need to sacrifice everything for their children.

This type of comment feeds very daft ideas about a woman’s role in life. Welcome to Gilead as they say.

I get it OP and three years really is a very short time in the aftermath of a 20 year relationship involving having children together.

You feel as you feel and will gradually start to experience other feelings and see things differently.

How long have you been in therapy/counselling for? Sadly, it can take years to come to terms with the type of betrayal you've been through.

He sounds like a horrible cheating, lying piece of shit. That said, I would definitely not go back to court. For the sake of your sanity.

When thinking about the the cheater and his mistress in their posh house, just remember that the mistress has really won herself the booby prize here. You have got rid of a nasty lying shit and that’s what she’s won.

A lovely little house with love in it is worth a thousand fancy houses with lying cheaters inside. They really deserve each other.

I know their EOW arrangement looks pretty cushy but just put yourself in the position of not seeing much of your kids. A) That is distressing and B) if he is thrilled with it, he is missing part of his soul.

How old is the OW and has she got kids? If not and she wants them, he may end up with more kids.

I'm 13 years post apocalypse if you like so easy for me to type, but if the DC see you as the poor partner right now, that doesn't mean they'll think less of you and more of him. Trust me. My kids are 17 and 14. Their father lives in a house that is for sale for nearly a million and my house would be valued at 230k I think. But like you, I have a roof over my head.

I'd disconnect from pinterest. From now on, their wealth is RANDOM TO YOU . That's hard to get used to but their wealth has to become as meaningless and disconnected from you as I don't know colleen and wayne's, meghan and harry's!

ykwim? You can get there and you will. Been through this. My x is a randomer to me now. So nothing he has or wants or bought or plans to buy hurts.

Kids know that we (me and them) are the real family unit. Their Dad, it's all a bit pantomime. They know I"ve had to say to them, em, wait and see if the money goes in this month and then I'll buy you a new coat. They say, but I thought you got paid on fridays. I say, em, not that money.

Your kids will see their house with you as home. My Dad has an actual mansion, my mum has a tiny cottage, we always preferred the cottage as we lived there with mum. You can't buy children off. They need attention and love not stuff.

I think op you need to look at the positives.

You have your own house.
You have the kids the majority of the time.
You didnt cheat.
You dont have to sit worrying about where he is.

You have freedom,independence.
Thats much better than been stuck with a cheating ratbag.

Something similar happened to me, except I was left worse off than you. But I'm the one who has ended up happy, and he spent years in an awful marriage with the OW. All the money, and the big house in the country didn't make up for that. I know which I prefer. It's natural for you to be upset and angry, @stoplooking555, But when you have to have any contact with him, keep your dignity. Don't ask your kids about him, her, or their house, no matter how much you want to. (I may have been very nice to my ex and his OW, and I often wonder how she felt when I sent them both birthday cards- her birthday is the same day as my daughter- and signed his "With my love always")
Now, 28 years after our divorce, and with him married for the 3rd time, he and I have a really lovely friendly relationship, and family occasions with our children and grandchildren are easy and relaxed. He may have more money than I have, but money will never bring the absolute happiness I have had over the last 16 years with my 2nd husband.

@stoplooking555 what do you need to do/say/hear in order to move on?

also, if he splits from this woman who is the high earner, he'll be back to square one again. I'd let them get on with it.

The sheer joy (for me) of 100% owning a tiny, shabby house miles out of town is just enormous. 100% owning this house is better than 50% owning something twice as nice. Or even 3 times as nice! 100% owning this will never lose its gloss. The freedom! The security!

He doesn't have that. He could be splittinng up again in 18 months.

By 'he' I mean your xh with his new high earner

I have a toby house and my kids share a room. Exh has had a succession of much bigger properties. And expensive stuff and all that tack. I've brought the kids up and this is their home and they love it. They want to stay here.

I feel for you. Similar situation, separated since January and divorce now complete. Pushed through by ex who gave me 3 weeks to think about it before telling me to sign the papers or I'd be left with nothing.

OW confirmed in August, but apparently it only started in June when he moved in - she's a friend doing him a favour, love blossomed, blah, blah, blah.

They are both high earners and I'll have to sell the family home - which me and kids still live in and I pay for completely) in 18 months or find 90k to buy him out. Despite the fact he is living in a large 4 bed detached and he see's his children eow! Apparently he needs to money, of cause you do!

I get it, it's shit. Your ex has every right to move on as does mine, but I understand completely that it feels that it is at your expense. This is what a lot of people that haven't experienced this don't understand. You need to grieve this process, seek counselling. I'm trying, but it's hard in lock down.

Hopefully your prince charming or a big fat windfall are heading your way soon x

Its really shit by the sounds of it! Agree with others no idea why he kept pensions and so on .Maybe get a second opinion from another Solicitor? Anyway moving on ,can you paint/decorate your home .Always have pot pourri l,ots of light ,a nice fireplace ,pretty bed linen .I think you will feel better and no more peeking! Wealthy men seem to get away with murder when they divorce!

OP, it is not healthy, stop looking. And maybe it is good your kids will have their own rooms there, a bit of luxury. It doesn't mean they won't enjoy their real home with you.
In terms of him buying a big house.. Are you 100% sure that it is not down to this OW? Maybe she contributed a lot to that house

[quote stoplooking555]@babypinkroses I think I would feel better had he not lied for 3 years. I've known all along but she's only been wheeled out since the ink was still drying on the divorce papers. Had he not been so vicious in grabbing every penny he could get (I had to give him every penny of my savings and a big loan). Now he's installing luxury bathrooms. That's what's wrong.[/quote]
Yes, this. YANBU.

Look at it this way OP. At least you know your kids aren't staying in a shithole

You also don't know how much he's invested vs his partner. It could be her funding most of this lifestyle. You say she's a high earner.

If things go tits up he could come away with less than you expect.

I know its hard but after 3 years you should call her his partner. It doesn't seem like they were a flash in the pan affair and you can't go round calling her OW forever or you'll just look bitter.

One of the biggest reasons I left my ex was his constant lying. It's annoying when you realise that while you shouldn't be lied to in a relationship, he's perfectly free to lie to you as your ex! Mine still lies a lot but I shrug it off unless it relates negatively to the kids.

Agree with PPs, the kids will value what you give them even if to you, at first, it looks like the lesser option. You're not bringing some newcomer into their lives or showing off - your priority is them and even if you can't give them materially what he can, they will sense that.

as they get older they work it out this is true. I've fielded a lot of complaining and upset from my kids because I was the one that ended it, and I've accepted that and apologised. A few years down the line, they have a good understanding of why I did - not from me but from their own experience. He's much better paid than me and pays me the minimum required, so he has more money, but that isn't what's important.

I'm not sure the comments on here along the lines of "your house is more loving than his", "he'll be unfaithful to the OW too", "he's a shit", "their relationship is probably going to fall apart", etc are very helpful.

OP, three years into your separation/divorce, you should now not be thinking about fairness, living your life as 'revenge', etc, etc - but about moving on, properly, without any reference to or thoughts of your ex. I know it's harder to do this when you have children together, but I have known several divorced couples where the ex wife hasn't really managed to move on, and has ended up very miserable as a result.

You didn't choose the situation you're in, but you really do have to focus on your home, your life, your children, your interests, your work - anything but him and his new partner (and actually regard her as his partner, not the OW).

However good you are at acting, your children will know what you are really thinking.

I know divorce can be horrendous (mine was), and I know how it feels to think you've had a bad deal (I could also have returned to the solicitors, but didn't have the strength at the time - and also thought it was more important to draw a line under all of that and move on, properly, for my own sanity - but also because it wouldn't have done the children any favours for me to continue to fight. All it does is prolong the bitterness and rancour).

Forget about your ex and his partner and their house. Come off Pinterest. Be positive when your children tell you about your ex's new house and partner. It's what they need to hear, and you'll feel an awful lot better if you can let go of all the resentment and genuinely wish everyone well.

Ugh, OP. I haven't been in this situation but I can imagine how I'd feel if I were, and yes, it would be utterly galling. I would most certainly not be showing my best self.

It does sound odd to me that you get no part of the pension. Is there any way to revisit that?

I'm very very sure that your kids will not care and as they get older, they will understand more and more. Also, I wouldn't live with this lying shit even if he had a palace. Home is more than that.

YANBU for feeling the way you do and it must be galling but please, please, please do not put any of this on your children. Please don't put them in the middle or pump them for information when they get back from their dad's and then get angry and upset in front of them. I say this as someone who was the child in this situation.

I was in youre children's shoes once OP - I can categorically tell you I do not wish I was ever in my dads 4 bedroom house with his new woman playing happy families.

Id much always prefer to be with just me and my mum in our 2 bed house as there was love and that was my home. your children in time will get over the separate bedrooms thing, it will become nothing to them, they will want you there to love and for normality so they will follow where you go.

I'd just like to add to my previous post, please have someone you can offload and moan to when you need to, a close friend or family member or paid professional but never your children. Outwardly you need to show your children that big houses and material things don't matter, show them love, kindness, have fun together and work on making yourself happy. That's all they'll want to see. The love they have for you is unconditional. Every time you think of your ex think "that's totally irrelevant to me" and put it out of your mind. That's what I wish I could go back and say to my mum. It's sad how much this has eaten her up over so many years and stopped her from moving on.