I looked :(

[stoplooking555]

Aghhh.

I've just recently divorced. In a nutshell, very messy. He lied about OW although I knew her and her partner and we figured it out between ourselves early on. It was a horrible divorce and finally settled on 55/45 split assets and this way I got to keep the small family home. Ex cried poor the whole time and made provisions for a 2 bed flat in the area and insisted he would be buying alone. He kept all of his pensions (I had none) and the proceeds from a small rental but on his earnings would be a healthy deposit and no probs to get an affordable mortgage.

Kids have come back from their contact weekend and told me all about the new house my ex bought. I was expecting this and knew it would be a big deal for me. It's not a 2 bed flat. It has a leafy drive and 3-4 bedrooms. OW was there when he showed kids around.

They are not on social media which is great. BUT I can see his Pinterest. We rennovated a couple of houses together so knew he'd update that.

Well...I saw luxury bathroom pins, free standing baths..marble...and...she was linked in the board.

Also kids will be getting own rooms, they share here...it's a small house.

I know I should be thankful I have a roof over my head but it's just galling he lied and in my mind he's doing up Buckingham palace.

AIBU - he deserves to move on and none of my business, we've been separated 3 years. Or am I right being so upset. Not sure if it's jealousy or rage he's lied - if he's bought with OW (high earner) then it's really not fair if they have 2 big incomes going forward and a dream house.

I worry the kids will see this house as a poor partner.

As for contesting his lies, the solicitor said I could but if he did end up buying with OW, then unlikely anything would happen as technically my needs were met.

The anxiety and upset is high though :(

You have every right to feel how you do when you’ve had such a messy divorce with someone who broke your trust.
It is not slightly unreasonable how you feel.

OP was it 55 in your favour and do you like your house or had you been hoping to move to something bigger/better pre the separation?

Be proud of the loving home you have with your children, he’s only concerned with money and appearances. I know it’s galling when they rip you off and lie to you, but at the end of the day he has to live with his nasty self and you don’t anymore.

It's just shocking, a person a lie and lie. Behave abysmally, Destroy a family... Then get to go off to live an upgraded lifestyle.

He won't care about the kids. He'll relish the tidiness, peace and time he can invest in himself. I was with him 20 years, I get the bastard.

And I knew OW. I know she had her eye on him for years. Now she gets what she wants too.

Now these idiots get to play happy families in Nice tidy EOW slots, progressing their careers and choosing lavish taps.

I have rebuilt my life, but it's been so hard. So hard. Filled with buckets of worry and a total displacement of where I thought life was heading.

I know it's more about that. Letting go of what I thought my life was going to be like, the security... And watching it fold out somewhere else, albeit on foundations of lies and betrayal.

We will never know the ins and outs op but if your children are young, I'm guessing you are 30s/40s? At the moment it doesn't seem fair but looking forward you have the whole house which I believe from the thread is owned outright. So many of the DC's friends mothers remained in the family home, only to have to sell-up when their youngest finished education.

You are free, the home is yours and you can move on. The only way is to look forward - and he may not own much of the house in any event.

At best contact your solicitor to make sure everything was considered if it will help give you closure. But don't let it eat away at you - move on. I am sixty and my recollection of my teenage years is of my mother sniping over money during and after a messy divorce and she still snipes now about my father and he died in 2000. It's as much about your relationship with your children op and whatever your ex has done to you, he still is and always will be the father of your joint children. It may hurt that they still and possibly always will love him but if you don't move on, and I appreciate you are still hurting, not accepting that he has a new and separate life may affect their relationship with you in the longer term.

@HomeTheatreSystem yes my favour. I'd given up work for the kids but had a small freelance biz that pootled in the background. We lived in an expensive area so not much bang for my buck. There was a lot of equity in the house and I knew on earnings I would get much mortgage - £60k tops. So either move to a grotty house or fight for this one by selling everything I had.

I do like my house. Its small, but stylish in a great location. But it's no leafy countryside detached.

But as my sol said, I coukd take him back to court but it would be another expensive, stressful journey. I just about survived the first.

Don't do it! Why put yourself through that again? You're torn up with accepting less than you should have, but you gained far more - FREEDOM from him.

Anyone can post shite on SM, it's all superficial. People show you on SM what they want you to see. They don't post about being manipulative, emotionally abusing, lying, cheating scumbags - which is the person you left behind. Let him revel in his 'nice house' and you focus on leaving thoughts of him behind. You are well rid of him.

Instead of even considering challenging what he has, perhaps you could invest some of the money you'd lose if you pursue that path on therapy for yourself. This investment in yourself will be money well spent to finally be at peace

I think you need to draw a line under this and move on. Yes he is a dick, but I think it will cause you more issues and upset to reopen this wound.

I personally think you should make the best out of what you have, you don’t need to be rich to have lots of fun and love in your house. Think about activities that the DC would enjoy doing and focus on those so they have fun memories of you, maybe making craft ideas to make the house feel more like theirs. It sounds like the ex’s house might end up a show house and that’s no fun for the dc.

The other thing to think about us whether it’s worth trying to get yourself in a position to eventually buy a 3 bed place for when the dc are older. It might be a long way off but every small step does add up,

@RosesAndHellebores no not owned outright but a manageable small mortgage for me. I know I should be thankful for that and I really am.

I'd hate to still be reeling about all this in another year and be that bitter long term. I'm being active to work through it. I have a councillor.

It's just bloody painful seeing it all work out well for him. It just feels like he's seamlessly upgraded and I'm having to do so much to pick up all the pieces to get back on track.

OP, I know a few DC whose dad's live a life of luxury in massive houses and see their DC EOW. The children have very little relationships with them and it is their mum they are close to.

Massive houses and shiny bathrooms do not make up for cuddles on a sofa, crisps and chocolate in the back of the car and a walk down the beach skimming stones. I've seen it a thousand times. Money doesn't make your DC happy. So long as their needs are met, everything else is just hot air. It is love and fun that will seal your relationship with them. Focus on this.

@Clarice99 I think another round of Court would finish me off.

Yes seeing as they have their own rooms there, or will have, I'll decorate theirs here, make it really theirs for them to enjoy, unicorns and all.

I am having therapy. That in itself annoys me as its something I have to do after being done to!

Some people are so poor all they have is money.
My favourite house when I was small was one of my friends house because due to the door placement you could walk in a circle from the living room to the kitchen to the hall back to the living room. For some reason this seemed like the coolest most aspirational thing you could have. It was just a regular terraced house. The point is children prioritise different things and you cant predict what they will consider good in a house.

@WokesFromHome Thank you. I try and remember that as you're right. This muggy feeling gets in the way now and then still though.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I think most people would.

When I was a child dm left for a guy who had a massive house - far beyond any size I’d seen before. We thought it was cool but I genuinely didn’t prefer it over our house with df which is where we lived most of our time. It also didn’t dictate how I felt about either parent. Please don’t worry about what your children think just worry about making the time you spend with them quality x

I had to give him every penny of my savings and a big loan). Now he's installing luxury bathrooms. That's what's wrong

How ? Just how
Yeah I feel this , this doesn’t seem fair

I’d so one final check on your own time and not spend money to assure this is legal
Then have have to bury it
How the duck you do that I don’t know but you must move on
Time helps

He sounds an utter cunt. Well that’s two awful people who deserve each other living in their house of deceit (as a PP put it).
Of course you’re angry. Your ex husband has lied to you and shown his contempt, I can’t imagine how hurtful that must be. Would it be worth having a bit of therapy so you can have a guilt free moan and maybe find a way to deal with how you feel?

@mathanxiety

That's what you have a solicitor for. I think your sol dropped the ball.

My thoughts exactly. Since when do we rely people telling the truth?

Well, I think that's a huge positive. I completely understand how you feel about the lies and the game your ExH has played but if I had to choose whose shoes I'd rather be in, they'd be yours and not the OW's. He lies and is emotionally abusive I think you said: she has all that to look forward to and no amount of bedrooms, standalone baths, marble will compensate for the pain caused by that.

It might help you to write all your feelings about this down on paper. Somehow it takes the sting out of it and over time you'll get to a point where you cannot be bothered to give headspace to what he did anymore. Best of luck

Sorry that was illegible

By the way the kids will notice , you
Don’t need to say anything
In fact don’t ! But a year after my split both my kids are starting to make little comments about their dad

But I do understand your frustration as this seems like he pulled a fast one legally

@TwylaSands I was shocked by the whole legal process tbf. Court was outrageous. You get 5 mins for someone to make a decision. That person could have had a morning fight with their spouse/got a parking ticket/wanted to rush home to their box set...it wasnt what I expected.

Also the courts are moving towards equality (fair enough) but what makes sense on paper may not be what's right. You only have what the other person is willing to disclose. Up to you if you want to continue the fight but it's emotionally and financially draining.

I think after three years you really should move on with your life. I don’t think there’s anything to be gained from sitting in a corner seething with envy. You need to get out and embrace life. There’s a whole world out there., or will be relatively soon. What’s done is done, kicking over the ashes is pointless.

I literally just want to move on/get over it/be indifferent/stop reacting to his life, start living mine etc etc...I'd love not to give a toss. Love it.

It's not easy though.

My heart is louder than my head and it's really exhausting.

@Meraas

He’s cheat on her or she’ll cheat on him, at some point.

I don’t understand why he kept his pensions, the rental property, you had to give him your savings and take out a big loan? Was it to buy him out if the house? It sounds like your lawyer wasn’t very good?

This. 100% this. I quite understand why you're pissed off, in view of that split. Was your solicitor napping?

@PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe there was too much equity in the house to offset. Pensions are not valued as "cash" equal. Galling.

I was just pinned to a corner as wanted to stay in my area and not have the upheaval of a move after all that. Nor move somewhere inferior or with loads of work which I don't have time or money for.

He had zero savings. Or that's what he told the court.

Op. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this and I’m not sure folks are understanding what you’re saying, or maybe it’s me that’s not, but in the divorce it was 55 percent in your favour. You didn’t do badly out of it.

The issue is as she earns well when they pooled their incomes they could afford to buy a much bigger house, because it’s a joint income thing.

Honestly being bitter or jealous is only going to harm you. It’s been three years, I don’t know where he’s been living for the last three years, but clearly not in this new home.

It’s hard but it’s time to focus on you now. Not what material possessions they have. 💐