I looked :(

[stoplooking555]

Aghhh.

I've just recently divorced. In a nutshell, very messy. He lied about OW although I knew her and her partner and we figured it out between ourselves early on. It was a horrible divorce and finally settled on 55/45 split assets and this way I got to keep the small family home. Ex cried poor the whole time and made provisions for a 2 bed flat in the area and insisted he would be buying alone. He kept all of his pensions (I had none) and the proceeds from a small rental but on his earnings would be a healthy deposit and no probs to get an affordable mortgage.

Kids have come back from their contact weekend and told me all about the new house my ex bought. I was expecting this and knew it would be a big deal for me. It's not a 2 bed flat. It has a leafy drive and 3-4 bedrooms. OW was there when he showed kids around.

They are not on social media which is great. BUT I can see his Pinterest. We rennovated a couple of houses together so knew he'd update that.

Well...I saw luxury bathroom pins, free standing baths..marble...and...she was linked in the board.

Also kids will be getting own rooms, they share here...it's a small house.

I know I should be thankful I have a roof over my head but it's just galling he lied and in my mind he's doing up Buckingham palace.

AIBU - he deserves to move on and none of my business, we've been separated 3 years. Or am I right being so upset. Not sure if it's jealousy or rage he's lied - if he's bought with OW (high earner) then it's really not fair if they have 2 big incomes going forward and a dream house.

I worry the kids will see this house as a poor partner.

As for contesting his lies, the solicitor said I could but if he did end up buying with OW, then unlikely anything would happen as technically my needs were met.

The anxiety and upset is high though :(

I must say I cannot imagine how he and OW can really be "happy" knowing they have what they have ,due to him breaking up his home and children with you .To be your so called friend as well! I think your DC know deep down that even if Daddy lives in a Mansion ,home is cosy and warm .DM is where its at!

Oh I would be absolutely raging, even though all the rage would do me no good I just wouldn't be able to help myself.

Hopefully these feelings will pass and you can appreciate all the good you have in your life.

A big home and bathroom doesn't compensate for lying awake worrying about him cheating like he did on his first wife xx

Poor woman, I feel sorry for the OW - she has it all to come when he eventually tires of her, and replaces her. Nothing good will ever come from something that started with such deceit and dishonesty. They won't be able to trust each other (certainly not if they have any sense) living a fake life. Let them keep the marble tops, it won't count for much in the long run.

Can I say this kindly you need to invest in yourself, your home and your life so that you don't feel the need to compare. Get your own moodboard and start investing in you now. Life is strange, almost certainly roles will switch at some point and you will be happily married and he will be on the scrap heap.

@FortunesFave

He could have a mansion with 12 bedrooms and it wouldn't matter if your home is the one with the most love in it OP.

Forget it. Natural to be upset but that's not healthy for you.

This reply really nails it!

Sorry you're so upset, I can imagine it's galling but you need to try and put it aside.

if he's bought with OW (high earner) then it's really not fair if they have 2 big incomes going forward and a dream house.

Not sure why this is unfair if the income is from both of their jobs? If there is 2 of them then of course they'll be able to afford more. It's not like if he had kept the family home then you'd be the one in the nicer house right now.

And don't forget, your situation won't stay the same forever either. You could be in a situation in a couple of years where you're buying a big house with a new partner too .

Some crap comments on here. I doubt the OP has spent the last three years feeling this every single day! Grief and divorce is a process. She is having a reaction to something which is very galling which is completely understandable.

He's a shit OP. You have the moral high ground at least.

Try not to look on their accounts anymore. Remember, you won't feel like this for long and your circumstances may also change in time.

You need to let it go and get on with your own life OP.

I can't understand why "its not fair" that they have 2 high-earning incomes and a nice house between them. That's just life isn't it?

My DHs ex wife cheated on him and left him but the relationship with the OM didn't work out. She lived in a very small flat with their son, my stepson now. DH met me and we started a business together, grafted long and hard and now live in a very large (7 bed, 5 bath, gym, pool etc) barn conversion and she is still in a small 2 bed flat. Their son came to live with us (her choice) when he was 7 and has been here ever since, he's 19 now.

The absolute VENOM we have endured from his Ex, (whilst not receiving a single penny towards DSS), has made our lives at times horrific. I will not apologise for the fact we took risks, worked bloody hard and have been successful whilst she has not. She HATES me with a passion, is eaten up with spite and jealousy and nastiness and yet I have brought her son up for most of his life now. I don't get why she can't be friends with me and be involved in her sons life with me and DH. She turned her back on her son, only sees him twice a year if that, its like she blames him for our success and "being part of it", although she actually asked us to have him as she knew we could give him more educationally, opportunities etc.

We have nothing at all to do with her now. I no longer even have her number. DSS speaks to her once a week i think, but the conversation is stilted his end. Its so sad really that women in particular can get so wrapped up in their ex's lives that it prevents them from living a happy and fulfilled life themselves. Don't be like that OP.

Just a quick note on the Pinterest board thing - I bloody wish my house looked anything like my Pinterest boards. It's all pie in the sky - what he would like, not necessarily what he has.

Hardly the same situation as the OP, is it, @Series???

Op, 3 years isn't that long if the divorce dragged on and you had to go through court.

Those that mention solicitors, it's not often their fault, as Op says it's a judge who spends 5-10mins looking at the bundle that the solicitor has prepared (at a high cost) Often judges give scant regard to the detail and make an almost 50:50 split on the finances presented. Those finances can be lies but unless you can prove lies, at that time, you have to accept the paperwork from your Ex.

There isn't fairness or justice in family court if one party is determined to lie as Judges rely on signed statements as proof of truth. The Op may have got 55% of whatever the Ex chose to declare and that could be why he how has a much larger house. The 55% could be much smaller in reality which is probably what the Op is now aware of. I say this not to encourage further upset but just the likely reality as liars do succeed in court.

Finding out your ex, father of your children lied so extensively is shocking, it can alter your whole perception of people. I think you are still processing the reality and your brain is putting together the pieces. That processing will come to an end and the output will be a picture of a deeply unpleasant man.

A father who lies and deceives the other parent, isn't a good person or dad.

How you end a 20 year relationship is the true nature of a person and whatever he has with OW will end similarly.

Practically try to focus on a gratitude journal and set 3 short or medium term goals for yourself, it will help to give you focus. I wouldn't recommend court again because it only works if you can prove his lies and that is going to be very unlikely as he will hid his tracks well.

@Series2

You need to let it go and get on with your own life OP.

I can't understand why "its not fair" that they have 2 high-earning incomes and a nice house between them. That's just life isn't it?

My DHs ex wife cheated on him and left him but the relationship with the OM didn't work out. She lived in a very small flat with their son, my stepson now. DH met me and we started a business together, grafted long and hard and now live in a very large (7 bed, 5 bath, gym, pool etc) barn conversion and she is still in a small 2 bed flat. Their son came to live with us (her choice) when he was 7 and has been here ever since, he's 19 now.

The absolute VENOM we have endured from his Ex, (whilst not receiving a single penny towards DSS), has made our lives at times horrific. I will not apologise for the fact we took risks, worked bloody hard and have been successful whilst she has not. She HATES me with a passion, is eaten up with spite and jealousy and nastiness and yet I have brought her son up for most of his life now. I don't get why she can't be friends with me and be involved in her sons life with me and DH. She turned her back on her son, only sees him twice a year if that, its like she blames him for our success and "being part of it", although she actually asked us to have him as she knew we could give him more educationally, opportunities etc.

We have nothing at all to do with her now. I no longer even have her number. DSS speaks to her once a week i think, but the conversation is stilted his end. Its so sad really that women in particular can get so wrapped up in their ex's lives that it prevents them from living a happy and fulfilled life themselves. Don't be like that OP.

And you told this story on OP's thread because....?

Series Do you think your dh's ex wife feels you bought her son, the 'education and opportunities' will be something she could not compete with in her two bedroom flat. Your gym and pool and all the rest is something she could never provide, she may feel she lost her son to you.
I don't think you can be so angry with her, she lost her child, and that is a very hard thing to get over. I felt sorry for her reading you post if I am honest. You deserve your hard earned trappings definitely, but perhaps show some compassion for someone in pain may be the kinder route to take, given she really has got the raw end of the deal.

Op please try not to worry, kids don't seem to care about the size of a house and how nice it's finishings are.

DD spends time with her dad and with me, his house is much bigger and he bought after we divorced. Mine is tiny and rented, she much prefers it at my house

Op I think you are absolutely justified in feeling the way you do. You have been lied to and he has acted unfairly. In your shoes I think I would be going back to a (different?) solicitor to see what can be done about pensions and rental income. I'd have an initial exploratory meeting anyway. I know it's stressful but feeling the way you do now is stressful too. And this time you have more proof of his wrongdoing.

Failing that, go and see a good supportive therapist who will help you overcome the rage and hurt. (Both justifiable inmho. What father actually wants his children to live less well than himself?). I hate to say it but might he soon have a baby with the ow - is that what all of these house renovations are about? You need to get strong and prepare yourself for that.

Above all though, remember that the best revenge is a life lived well , despite everything he has put you through.

Would be pee'd off, too - not on my own behalf, but on account of my children.

But as others have said - they will see their father for the selfish, manipulative, lying, tight-rsed twt he is - if not now (they may be blinded by luxury), then they certainly will later on.

I always find it shocking that men who claim to love their children would rather see them in penury than be fair financially.

Meanwhile, part the he becomes impotent and his tart runs away with the gardener.

Do you think your dh's ex wife feels you bought her son, the 'education and opportunities' will be something she could not compete with in her two bedroom flat. Your gym and pool and all the rest is something she could never provide, she may feel she lost her son to you. I don't think you can be so angry with her, she lost her child, and that is a very hard thing to get over. I felt sorry for her reading you post if I am honest. You deserve your hard earned trappings definitely, but perhaps show some compassion for someone in pain may be the kinder route to take, given she really has got the raw end of the deal.

LOL only on Mumsnet could a mum still be defended against a stepmum even after having an affair, leaving her husband for another man then being so bitterly jealous after splitting up with her bit on the side that she doesn't even see her own son anymore!!

YANBU to be annoyed but you really need to try and let it go for your own sanity. Don't think about the kids wanting to be there more because of bedrooms etc, the kids will be happiest where they feel at home

Would be pee'd off, too - not on my own behalf, but on account of my children.

But the house OP got to keep is presumably the house both mother and father were happy to bring the kids up in before the split? It might be smaller but still sounds like a nice house in a nice area.

At least OP didn't have to sell the house and try to find something else on her wage alone.

It sounds like her ex was only able to buy his new home by doing so with his new partner so it's not like he had the funds to do that all along for himself and OP during their marriage.

I think that saying “marriages sometimes don’t work” is not an excuse for cheating.

When my dc were 3 and 1, my dh decided to shag a work colleague. Much more thrilling fun than doing nappies and looking after a chicken poxy child with sores all over their body. It’s galling to know that had we divorced, my dc could have had the attitude “some marriages don’t work” when in fact, I was working my butt off day and night, doing everything for everybody whilst my dh was shagging a colleague in hotels. It’s not just the cheating, it’s the fact that the cheating spouse abandons the family in a time of need. I would hope that children would realise who was always there for them, never ever putting a random shag first.

Hi,

I too been in a similar situation. Don’t waste your time! Their life is built on quick sand and the other will be waiting for when the other’s head is turned by someone else.

Those people have done enough damage not worth losing more time over. X

She turned her back on her son, only sees him twice a year if that, its like she blames him for our success and "being part of it", although she actually asked us to have him as she knew we could give him more educationally, opportunities etc.

Have you ever thought, series, that she didn't "turn her back", but that she surrendered her son to give him the chance of a better life in a safer and more salubrious area, and a better education - because her ex-H (your DH) was too tight to offer more than the minimum in support for his child? You say "as she knew we could give him more educationally, opportunities etc." You and your DH could have offered that while he was living with his mum - but you didn't.

Maybe she rarely met up with him initially because it broke both of their hearts, and she wanted him to settle.

Maybe the conversation is stilted at his end because she is weeping, and he doesn't want to say too much because he doesn't want you and his father to hear it.

Yours comes cross as an unpleasant self-justifying story, and bears no relation to the topic of the thread.

The unfairness to the OP isn't that her cheating husband and his new partner have decent incomes and a lovely home- it's that he lied and connived to hide his assets to the detriment of his children. THAT'S what's unfair.

That he has left her, and his children struggling financially while he is rolling in spare cash.

Eugh, he sounds like a horrible creature, you are better off rid of him. Why couldn't he have stuck to his vows and stayed in an unhappy but virtuous relationship instead.

@thinkingaboutLangCleg

Some people are so poor all they have is money.

Some people are so poor all they have is money.

I might actually frame that somewhere.

I would agree with the pp. I know folks are trying to help the op feel better, but encouraging her to feel bitter about it and proclaiming how much the kids will hate their father is awful, it does her no favours at all.

And the op got fifty five percent in the divorce settlement, she says her and her solicitor fought tooth and nail. If they could have proved he was lying they would have done. Encouraging her to go back in there doesn’t help her. She is right, a pension is not considered the same as actual cash, it doesn’t work like that.

There are some really unhealthy attitudes being displayed, from saying her children will see their father as a cunt, through to encouraging her to spend money she doesn’t have to “drag that fucker” through the courts and promising her some form of mythical win is really poor form.

He hasn’t bought this house because he himself can afford it. He has bought this house because his partner is a high earner and with her money they can afford it. It doesn’t mean he is affording it on himself ans she’s entitled to it or any of the woman’s money funding it.

It’s better, after three long years, for the op to make peace with what has occured, to let him live his life and for her to focus on hers. For them both to give the kids the best up bringing they can.

Not to go into another expensive court case she has little chance of getting a different outcome from before, simoly because he and his partner bought a house together, or to sit dreaming of just how much her kids will hate their own father.