I looked :(

[stoplooking555]

Aghhh.

I've just recently divorced. In a nutshell, very messy. He lied about OW although I knew her and her partner and we figured it out between ourselves early on. It was a horrible divorce and finally settled on 55/45 split assets and this way I got to keep the small family home. Ex cried poor the whole time and made provisions for a 2 bed flat in the area and insisted he would be buying alone. He kept all of his pensions (I had none) and the proceeds from a small rental but on his earnings would be a healthy deposit and no probs to get an affordable mortgage.

Kids have come back from their contact weekend and told me all about the new house my ex bought. I was expecting this and knew it would be a big deal for me. It's not a 2 bed flat. It has a leafy drive and 3-4 bedrooms. OW was there when he showed kids around.

They are not on social media which is great. BUT I can see his Pinterest. We rennovated a couple of houses together so knew he'd update that.

Well...I saw luxury bathroom pins, free standing baths..marble...and...she was linked in the board.

Also kids will be getting own rooms, they share here...it's a small house.

I know I should be thankful I have a roof over my head but it's just galling he lied and in my mind he's doing up Buckingham palace.

AIBU - he deserves to move on and none of my business, we've been separated 3 years. Or am I right being so upset. Not sure if it's jealousy or rage he's lied - if he's bought with OW (high earner) then it's really not fair if they have 2 big incomes going forward and a dream house.

I worry the kids will see this house as a poor partner.

As for contesting his lies, the solicitor said I could but if he did end up buying with OW, then unlikely anything would happen as technically my needs were met.

The anxiety and upset is high though :(

It's a cliche, but comparison is the thief of joy.
You need to find a way to pay less attention to your ex and his partner. It's not healthy for you.
That's their life, not yours.
You sound quite unhappy about this still and maybe a little bitter - it doesn't sound like your ex was a particular fair or decent person, so you're probably well rid.
Time will help, but you need to stop comparing your life with theirs.
Not sure quite how to phrase this but you need to forgive your ex and his partner for the wrongs they have done you. Forgiveness frees you from feeling so resentful.
I think referring to her always as the OW isn't helpful for you as it reminds you that she was in part the reason for this break up. Look at the little ways you're still hanging onto this.
A very dear friend of mine had a horrible husband and a viscous break up and it haunted her, after many years she was still talking about him all the time and knew far too much about how he lived etc, it genuinely ruined her life. Please don't be like that. Let it go and be happy.

Only a total sadist would be able to look at photos of their ex husband and other woman in a palatial home without being royally fucked off.

Oh love I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel.

My ex had everything in his name (self employed, good accountant I never even got maintenance). He has the big house on 3 acres and room for a pony. He has two of them to be exact.

I’m in a 3 bed ex council with a postage stamp garden and 2 years after I moved in (had rented after split) it’s still not decorated because I had a life changing accident.

Dd is home from uni and he ordered she was to isolate in one of his 5 beds and room for a pony. (Even though there is no requirement for her to isolate) (family crisis meant she was allowed to travel home early)

She’s currently asleep in the bedroom through the wall from me.

Kids know.

If it makes you feel better I'm divorcing exH who had an affair, who's doing the same thing. Crying and bleating over how bad a deal he's getting. But his parents are rich and indulgent and I know that the minute he's divorced they'll stump up the cash for a lovely detached 5 bed house.

The thing is, is right now kids won't really see much difference between the houses (I remember when I was a kid I didn't realise some of my friends houses were much nicer than ours). They'll just want to be where they feel loved and happy and I seriously doubt that's at his house when he's got a random woman there.

BUT when they grow up they'll see the difference and they'll think their dad is a cunt. He's got it coming.

Well you got the house you wanted to keep and it's up to him what he chooses to buy. So I'm sorry but I think yabu.
However, be happy you aren't with a lying cheating scumbag anymore and I'm sure it's all a matter of time before buckingham palaces' walls start to crumble. ;)

Totally sympathise OP.
I was living in one room of a shared house in my 30’s while my ex moved his pregnant OW into our martial home.
Took years of me fighting to get a divorce settlement and he lied about everything, hid as much as he could and seemed to relish tearing me to pieces.
He got the martial home because he used her income to secure a mortgage. Something I could never afford by myself. The whole time denying an affair.
It took me years to get over it. My only saving grace was the fact we didn’t have DC so I could shut the door on it and didn’t have it rubbed in my face every other weekend.

My advice? Allow yourself to feel mad. Cheated. Used. Your feelings are absolutely valid. Invest time on yourself. Enjoy your DC. Focus on you and the things that make you happy.

Well rid of him, he sounds awful. YANBU although the money may be from a really large mortgage with both of them on it - it doesn't really matter now.

Just make sure he is paying fair child support - involve the CMS to check it.

Concentrate on you and your home and time with your children. Try and forget them and stay away from their pin interest boards.

Oh OP. I feel for you my exP did similar. Dumped our child to start his new life with OW and has moved to a luxury ++++ home with her and integrated his 3 older children (from his previous relationship) into their lives. They have a puppy and to people who don't know he looks like a devoted father and partner. He is not that. We live in a tiny house but it is lovely and a happy home. Stop looking at what they 'have'. They have a relationship built on deceit. Let it go and get on with enjoying your life which you can develop in any way you choose. I know it is hard, but no house or lifestyle is worth being with someone like that.

Firstly, the key to feeling better about this is to take a step back and look at your cognitive distortions here, those are negative/ inaccurate thoughts that cause feelings of sadness and hopelessness.

1. The idea your kids will love him more because he has money. Did you love one of your parents more because one of them came from a more well off family? When you think about your happiest memories from childhood did they involve gold taps, marble features and expensive dining sets? Or, did they involve spending time with people who loved you?- people who were kind, supportive, caring and funny?

1. The idea that they are living a wonderful life whilst you are poor and alone. Firstly, he cheated on you. This other woman is living in a gilded cage with a man who is a known cheater. Don’t you think there are nights that she wakes up thinking about that? Like- um congrats- you won the man who cheated on his wife, broke up his family and is a huge fat liar- what a catch!!!! You are the winner here because you have lost someone from your life who treated you like shit. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. It’s highly, highly likely he’ll cheat on her in time if he has such little conscience for poor behaviour.

1. Stop framing them in your mind as “the winners” here. They’re just people. People who cheated and ended up together. The story isn’t finished yet, it’s only halfway through. You have endless opportunities now to find real happiness and someone who really loves you. Look forward to that and to valuing yourself and forget those idiots. Comparison is the thief of joy. 🌹

Huge sympathy, OP. But let OW enjoy the pleasure and security of living with a selfish liar who will always put his own wishes before his wife and children. As Merchantofvenom says, nothing you can do about it, so you might as well focus on what you do have - the kids, a roof over your head (as you say), and no cheating, lying partner holding you back.

Oh and I don't believe for a minute he wasn't aware you could see his pinterest.
I'm sure he created those boards with you in mind. Don't rise to it!

I understand that it's hurtful, and although you've been separated a while it sounds as if finalising the divorce was more recent - but move on.
What do you expect to gain by stalking his pinterest account?
Block any form of his social media accounts - they really aren't going to help you get over things.

I'd take him back to court to be honest. Yeah it will be expensive, for him. He'll be the one footing the bill. He'll be the one giving up half his pension, he'll be the one handing you more money, he'll be the one paying the solicitor fees after you win. He'll probably lose his pretty house in the process and ow too through the stress. What. A. Shame.

Stressful at the time, yes, unless you just leave it all to your solicitor and let them deal with the stress. But think about how much money you'll get back, you have no pension. This would help secure you a bit in the future. Drag that fucker through the mud and back again.

It's easy to look at what is on paper and assume that he hasn't all, but in all reality, his life is probably not as perfect as he portrays and even it is now, it might not be forever.

They might have above house but likely with a big mortgage. Livy taps, but maybe a large credit card bill. They might money coming in but maybe they hate their jobs wishing an easier life working fewer hours.

Maybe they are loved up or maybe cracks are starting to appear, some thoughts as to whether they did the right thing.

You are feeling bitter and resentful because you are only seeing what appears as a perfect life that should have been yours. No life is ours forever.

Time will heal and if you work hard at moving forward and focusing to build your future you might find that I E day, the roles will be reversed and he'll be the one that has lost it all whilst you are contented in the life you control.

Be angry but use that anger to propulse yourself forward, not eat you inside and prison yourself to the past.

Some people are so poor all they have is money.

Everyone deserves to be happy, even your ex. His behaviour was crap but if he has an amazing life surely your kids too will have an amazing time with him.

Let it go for your sake. See the positives, get your own life, it's literally no longer your business, I say this with kindness as jealously will only hurt you. Don't let him turn you into the stereotypical bitter ex.

You will have an amazing life, you will be happy and he will probably do the same to his new gf or she will do it to him. You are so much better off without hun

Pay attention to your username. It has the answer right there! Stop looking! Get off Pinterest or instagram. You know that life isn’t pictures. Instead, focus on what you have. A home, lovely kids, freedom from him. You have no idea of what goes on behind closed doors at his. Same old shit you experienced probably. But no one takes photos of that and puts it on Pinterest.

Him not hun

For all those on here calling the ex shitty, awful etc. whilst this might be said to make the OP feel better I think they need to try and let go of these feelings rather than have them fueled - she's still mad at him and bitter and using the house as an outlet. Let go of the bitterness and it will be easier to let good the house. As the child of divorced parents where on parent cheated on the other I still live both equally and I have a fantastic relationship with both - but I grew up with the bitterness from the cheated-on parent and it was not good for me or my sibling (who still has a difficult relationship with the other parent). It's hard but sometimes marriages just don't work, people make stupid, selfish decisions and people get hurt. However, it doesn't mean they love their kids any less. There shouldn't be an implication that one had has "more love in it" as exes feelings for OP are separate from feelings for the kids. Also, the kids likely won't care a toss about marble worktops! I visited cheating parent every second weekend once separation happened and had to share a mattress on the floor for a while and then a sofa bed with my other sibling and I STILL wanted to visit - I don't think I really thought about it too much.

@katnyps based on the description of the ex, he sounds like a Disneyland dad who likes to just see the kids enough to feel like a good father, and it seems pretty clear that he strategically withheld information about his financial circumstances to screw OP out of a fair share of the assets, which of course affects his children's lives as well.

Personally I think that people like that probably don't have the same capacity for love as a mother who sacrifices career, free time, everything to make a happy home for her children.

They'll think their dad is a cunt? What a horrible thing to say.

Their dads love for them has nothing to do with his failed relationship with their mum. As I said in another post, people sometimes do selfish and horrible things and people get hurt - but to fuel the fire of resentment driving a wedge between a father and his children is nasty.

@katnyps

...I didn't say that?

I don't think you can get that from a post on the internet. I know my parent who was an idiot back then and probably would have been described in a very similar way would bend over backwards for me 20 years on and I'm so glad I persevered with that relationship.

Apologies @littleloopylou I definitely clocked reply to @Noconceptofnormal re the c**t message! Not sure what happened there

It sounds to me as if you're doing everything right, OP. You've got your own house in a great location (very important for job-hunting young people, students and teenagers without cars) that you won't have to sell when the children are older. You're facing your feelings, trying to deal with them and not visiting them on your children.

Sure, you have blessings (largely brought about by your own wise choices, by the sound of it) and should count them. But you're allowed to have negative feelings, too.