To pull my lodger up about commenting on my food?

[Housewoes23]

I've recently moved into a house and I took on a lodger about 3 weeks later.
I knew him before we made this arrangement, acquaintance rather than friend but we get along okay.

Over the last 10 or so days, he has said(amongst others probably, I haven't documented but as far as I remember)

'Ugh making that disgusting smelly stuff again'

'I emptied the bin and it was fully of your smelly food!'

(When I was making hummus) 'Ugh!I hope the top doesn't come off that blender can you imagine that disgusting stuff going all over the kitchen!'

When I hadn't yet washed up (I'd only just finished making my dinner) and he came in the kitchen 'Eewww!! Disgusting saucy stuff all in the washing up bowl!' (I wasn't going to leave it, I just literally hadn't finished clearing up yet, it was seconds after I'd cooked).

Also, he has his own fridge but shares a freezer with me. He won't go in it because 'my disgusting food' is in there.

I got him his own fridge because he wouldnt share one with me-there was plenty of room for two people's foodstuffs in there, but he 'didn't want to touch my disgusting sauces and horrible food' (I'm paraphrasing but something like that).

For context,we're both single people aged 38 and 52.

I LOVE cooking. I love greek food and often make dips and crudites and use garlic and herbs and sauces.

He is a very plain eater (chicken and chips, ready made pies you'd shove in an oven, bread and cheese).

I haven't ever commented on his choice of eating habits, wouldn't even cross my mind.

Anyway tonight I told him it was making me feel self concious and I would make sure I didn't eat near him, but there is one small kitchen so I can't avoid cooking in it. I'll make sure all is cleaned up when I've used it and won't ever leave anything to be washed up, but I didn't see the need to constantly jibe at what I eat.

AIBU?
And also, would this irritate you?

Another context point is, I have a bit of an ED. 95% corrected now, but I've never particularly liked eating in front of people, although I was/am almost over it-this isn't helping so I wonder if I am being over-sensitive.

TIA :)

I bet he thought you would do all the cooking, and he hates that you like adult food.
Please tell him that you own the house, if he hates the look and smell of your food so much he can leave.
I do think it's funny as humus stinks, I do love it on warm pitta bread.

No, no, no! This is YOUR home. He is your LODGER. If he is making you feel uncomfortable and you cannot relax in your home then it is time to pack his bags!

Firstly, I agree with everybody else that you shouldn't be made to feel upset. It would be impossible to say whether this man thinks he is making a little joke; being an old rascal; hamming himself up as a stereotypical meateater. I also don't know what it would mean to be an acquaintance in this situation: perhaps he thinks he is a friend and entitled to have a little banter and tease. He is clearly very insensitive, and no way ought you be made to feel upset .

This next point is sort of an aside and doesn't cancel out a sense of the consideration and courtesy owing to OP.

I can't help feeling that it's a tough world for those who lodge. They are the lowly one in an unequal relationship. It seems to be ok to take the line that it isn't their house, so they should know their place. It's an almost Victorian idea to me. If you get rid of a lodger, just like that, they lose their only bit of comfort, their little room to call their own. But posters often urge landlords to put their own feelings first. It's ok to joke that a woman has kicked them out. Who does this person they think they are? Is the sort of old-fashioned attitude shown to lodgers of all genders and ages.

Yet lodgers are doing landlords a massive favour. They are giving - well about £600 per month, the ones I know in SE London - for no real service, just a room the landlord isn't using, and they are beefing up security, and being a person to take in parcels when not working that day, a friend if they were a sort of friend before. And yet they are talked about as though they are children, on MN.

I think that really researching lodgers before they move in is crucial. They surely don't just become annoying. Landlords need to be treated well, of course, but I can't help feeling sad about the general plight of the person who is trying to make a nest in the house of someone who wants their home to their self, and they want the income which, sans mortgage, they could live off - cake and eat it.

As others have said, he’s being incredibly rude (more than that - bullying) and you are making far too many accommodations for him.

It is his home too, but he’s a lodger. If he doesn’t like the sort of home you’ve made he should be moving on. Set your boundaries to create the home you want to live in and find a lodger who likes that. Don’t faff around trying to make it all even and fair. He’s not a flat mate or something. The power balance is totally different.

I completely understand that op. By any chance do you have any recipes for a garlic dip. As I tried to make a few but it's was either to salty or lemonly or something. Tia

It sounds like he has an ED himself.
For that reason I wouldn’t make him leave immediately but you need to assertively say his preferences are his, and you have yours and that’s all there is to it.
My son has Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder as a comorbidity to his autism and he can be very vocal about it in this way, but he’s told that whilst he can’t help his disgust of certain things you don’t need to tell anyone else.

I would tell him if makes just one more comment about your food he must leave. Look for a normal person to share with, someone who has some manners.

I also wondered whether he has an ED himself, as that’s bizarre ( and v. rude) behavior.

Ask him to stop commenting on your food and if he can’t/won’t, he’ll have find somewhere else to live.

You really need to ask him to leave. This won't stop in the kitchen.

^This.

He needs to find alternative living arrangements.

I would have said more than that!

How dare he? He is the LODGER, not food auditor!

I would be asking him to seek alternative lodgings. Does he really expect you to wash up prep dishes/utensils before you’ve even eaten the food you’ve prepared?

Bye then.

It's your house and your food sounds delicious - nothing wrong with it at all.
If he doesn't like it, he should move out.
I think perhaps he's sensed you're easily manipulated on this issue. So far, he's got his own fridge and seems to dominate the cooking and eating spaces.
I don't think it's a match between you. Perhaps you'd be happier if he moved out?

He needs to go.

@owlbethere, I did wonder if the lodger has ARFID, but even if he does as you said he needs to learn not to verbalise his aversions or go and live somewhere else where he would have exclusive access to a kitchen.

I’m also worried that his control would start to increase in other areas of your life such as friends who can visit or what you wear. I would possibly have a friend to stay ( when allowed) when you tell him to leave, as his reaction might not be good.
Best of luck.

I'd either tell him it's not working out and he needs to move or (if you'd rather give it more time and see if he'll improve) tell him that his comments are getting on your nerves and that if he doesn't stop you'll have to ask him to move.

He'll probably come back with something about it only being a joke, but no-one would find that funny, especially on repeat. "You may mean it as a joke, but it's not amusing. I'm not happy to have my food insulted, even as a joke, in my own home."

CBT I know you didn't mean it this way, but I thought you were going to say 'yeh so he'll die earlier than you

No, I do like healthy food. I am lucky to have the preferences I have but I also love cooking and eat far too much of it at times!

I am glad no squirrels and others that you'd find it rude too, it isn't just me being weird and 'snowflakey'.

I agree he has food issues.

To those who've asked what he said in response, nothing. I was in the kitchen cooking when he made his last comment about my food and I said something like I said in the OP, that I'd keep out of his way while I ate, but I couldn't cook elsewhere as there is only one kitchen. He went quiet. He did text me when I was in the other room saying he

'didn't want me to eat in there you can eat what you want take no notice of me'.

I responded 'Then stop being rude about my food please'.

ekidmx he lived alone before and often said it was expensive so this arrangement seemed to make sense, perveeen I charge him less than the going rate, not much less, but he was unhappy where he was and I had a spare room and although not struggling, his lodgings would help so it seemed to make sense.

pyongyyangkipper @gopping. I'll bet you'd only say that once though, not every single time you saw me cooking something you didn't particularly like!

bestzebbie maybe? I'd not thought of that. We've been out to dinner at the pub (as a group!) before and he wouldn't eat his burger because some coleslaw (in a ramekin) came on the same plate.

cattenberg yes, a bit. I wish he just didn't say anything. His food choices aren't anything I'd ever consume but that's that-people are different, aren't they. None of my business.

mamanyt that made me laugh! Please save your cat the aggro-I'm sure some people wherever you are can cook better than me!
giantangryrooster well this is what I thought-it is rude isn't it. Even a small child is taught that it is rude to comment on other people's choices.

evenbetteR I have told him before. But just not as 'deliberatly' as I did this time if you know what I mean.

CBt944 yes, I hear you. I cannot imagine being his partner!

chocolatecherry yes, it is weird. I am seeing that now.

When he said he wouldn't put any food in the fridge because there was no room, I opened it and said yes there is! And showed him all the room on the shelves (quite a large fridge too!) and he said 'yes but it would be next to your food and I can't touch it!' and I thought well maybe, as I like cooking so much and we have room and why not.. I'll just get another small one. Which I did.

I head you diverse he pays not much more than half of that but we're not in London. I wanted to not be a nasty landlord and for him to feel at home.

What sort of garlic dip are you trying to make, splashy? I'll try help.

Thansk so much everyone. Odd but informative, about the bulllying/controlling aspect. I hadn't thought of it like that but your points are all very valid.

Welcome to shared living where you have to put up with people's crap and Stupid comments
I was over this once my lunches disappeared, moods and strange habits got abit to much
Do you need a lodger or can he learn to shut up and be more respectful
Is he 5yrs old

He's being very rude and unless you are absolutely desperate for the money I would tell him it's not working out. You clearly aren't compatible.

Stop apologising. This man is being absurdly rude to you in your house and trying to bully you into changing your very healthy eating habits.

Tell him to cut it out or find somewhere else to live.

After your update, he apologised so perhaps all is not lost. If he talks about your food again, you can refer to the text convo and say you want this to work out, but he is making you feel uncomfortable. If he can’t stop, he’s going to have to find somewhere else to live. And next time you have a lodger, I would think long and hard if you want them in all your shared spaces. The living room is not a must. Perhaps it would be better to give any future lodgers the biggest bedroom and no access beyond the bathroom and kitchen. That way you have a personal space away from them in your home, as do they.

@Housewoes23

I wouldnt even mention it once! If you offered me some I would thank you and pass. Unless we were good mates and then I would take the piss out of your rank food, and I would expect you to do the same to me. I have a friend who loves olives and I cant stand them but she hates mushrooms and I love them....so lots of mutual pisstaking!

I honestly couldn't live with this and would have to be telling him to leave.

That must be like living under constant scrutiny in your own home.

Eat what you want, when and where you want. If he starts to comment then tell him bluntly to bugger off. If he continues (he probably will) then tell him to find somewhere else in live. Don't be so meek. It is YOUR HOME. You should be free and comfortable there.

Why did he leave the last house?

I eat his diet
But
He needs to shut up or go

I would have to be living off beans before I had a stranger in my house, much less a wanker stranger.

Honestly tell him you dont need to rent the room anymore and reclaim your home. Do it tomorrow.