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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pull my lodger up about commenting on my food?

418 replies

Housewoes23 · 23/11/2020 00:04

I've recently moved into a house and I took on a lodger about 3 weeks later.
I knew him before we made this arrangement, acquaintance rather than friend but we get along okay.

Over the last 10 or so days, he has said(amongst others probably, I haven't documented but as far as I remember)

'Ugh making that disgusting smelly stuff again'

'I emptied the bin and it was fully of your smelly food!'

(When I was making hummus) 'Ugh!I hope the top doesn't come off that blender can you imagine that disgusting stuff going all over the kitchen!'

When I hadn't yet washed up (I'd only just finished making my dinner) and he came in the kitchen 'Eewww!! Disgusting saucy stuff all in the washing up bowl!' (I wasn't going to leave it, I just literally hadn't finished clearing up yet, it was seconds after I'd cooked).

Also, he has his own fridge but shares a freezer with me. He won't go in it because 'my disgusting food' is in there.

I got him his own fridge because he wouldnt share one with me-there was plenty of room for two people's foodstuffs in there, but he 'didn't want to touch my disgusting sauces and horrible food' (I'm paraphrasing but something like that).

For context,we're both single people aged 38 and 52.

I LOVE cooking. I love greek food and often make dips and crudites and use garlic and herbs and sauces.

He is a very plain eater (chicken and chips, ready made pies you'd shove in an oven, bread and cheese).

I haven't ever commented on his choice of eating habits, wouldn't even cross my mind.

Anyway tonight I told him it was making me feel self concious and I would make sure I didn't eat near him, but there is one small kitchen so I can't avoid cooking in it. I'll make sure all is cleaned up when I've used it and won't ever leave anything to be washed up, but I didn't see the need to constantly jibe at what I eat.

AIBU?
And also, would this irritate you?

Another context point is, I have a bit of an ED. 95% corrected now, but I've never particularly liked eating in front of people, although I was/am almost over it-this isn't helping so I wonder if I am being over-sensitive.

TIA :)

OP posts:
allthewaterinthetap · 23/11/2020 07:30

"Willing to bet he's a lodger at 52 because somewhere there's another woman who had enough of him and chucked him out"

My thoughts exactly. Definitely been booted out by someone. He needs to move on - agree with the others saying another woman would be best.

Eckhart · 23/11/2020 07:32

@Diverseopinions

Taking a lodger isn't a random act of kindness. Lodgers and landlords need to be respectful of each other. It's not a 'plight'. What a patronising attitude. 'Poor sad little lodgers'...

violetbunny · 23/11/2020 07:35

Kicking him out is a bit harsh. I'd just give him the same back and turn it into a joke.
"Well I'd rather eat this than the heart attack on a plate you just ate", or "Yes this is what food looks like when it doesn't go 'ping'!"
If he doesn't get the hint then by all means kick him out!

ScrapThatThen · 23/11/2020 07:41

Your text response was perfect. If it would save you money at this point I would also get rid of the other fridge.

PoklingtonP · 23/11/2020 07:48

He's being extremely rude and immature. You should put him in his place and/or give him his marching orders.

Hotwaterbottlelove · 23/11/2020 07:52

OP, you have made far too many accomodations for him already. Don't do this, it won't be good for you in the long run. The lodger/landlord relationship is different to the of flatmates. Every adult knows this. Im not saying that lodgers don't get any say but they don't get to rule the roost either. Certainly not in the early days,over time the relationship might equal out a bit.

As others have said, I doubt this is limited to food. How many other compromises have you made for him? This just isn't working out, tell him that this is no longer working for you and give him the notice you agreed to in the contract. Life is too short to be self-conscious or uncomfortable in your own home.

Sparklfairy · 23/11/2020 07:55

Being fussy is one thing, but if you're fussy, it is YOUR issue. You have no right to inflict your tastes on other people and most fussy people I know don't. But his behaviour is on a par with extreme anxiety or OCD that is so debilitating his environment has to be controlled otherwise he feels out of control. The ramekin of coleslaw and having to have his own separate fridge ffs indicates it causes him extreme anxiety to have his 'food rules' broken. It's unfair for any mental health issue to impact on the rest of the household though - him thinking you should conform to what he wants rather than him do things differently so that you could live in harmony as you both want... like leaving the room/going out/opening windows and not passing comment when you cook. He really needs to live alone.

Of course, he could just be used to getting his own way Grin It's reminded me of an incident when I still lived at home. DM is quite fussy, and won't eat any kind of seafood, so growing up we never did either. In adulthood, I tried tuna for the first time and really liked it, and brought a can home. She went a bit hysterical, not angry, just dramatic and flappy, and insisted that IT WAS LEFT IN THE GARDEN and was not allowed in her house! Grin I thought she was bonkers, but respected her house her rules so I haven't done it again.

madcatladyforever · 23/11/2020 07:55

Oversensitive??? No he is being extremely rude. WY to go if he wants to be homeless before Xmas. He is living in someone else's house. He needs to behave.

BameChange123 · 23/11/2020 07:56

Start making taramasalata, tzatziki, beetroot garlic feta chilli dip and maybe create a protective circle of coleslaw in your kitchen. Watch him squirm.

Seriously he needs to go.

Pixiemeat · 23/11/2020 07:57

He needs to go!

Gregariousfox · 23/11/2020 07:58

Surely he hasn't got to the age of 52 without realising he's got issues around food. He should have raised it before moving in so you could decide if you were prepared to accommodate it.

I couldn't stand this. I enjoy my food and it would put me off listening to all that griping.

I agree that it's rude, whether you were in a relationship, friends, flat mates or landlord and tenant. And tolerance goes both ways. He should be tolerant of your food choices. Atm the only person bending over backwards is you.

tobee · 23/11/2020 07:58

Hmm just coz someone has food issues they don't have to be rude about other people's choices.

midlifecrash · 23/11/2020 08:01

He's trying to tell you what to do, is the main thing. He is effectively pissing in your kitchen. It's your kitchen. I couldn't live like this.

40weekswithno2 · 23/11/2020 08:02

I'd think about asking him to move out tbh. He sounds like a complete pain in the arse.

waitrosetrollydolly · 23/11/2020 08:03

A 52 year old man with no home of his own would be enough of a red flag for me to be honest. Tell him he's not a good fit and you are advertising his room.

butterpuffed · 23/11/2020 08:03

You really shouldn't have been defending yourself in your own house OP ! Tell him that's why you'll carry on as you always have.

I disagree with all the posters saying you should make him leave though, as from what you've said, this is the only issue.

CaraDuneRedux · 23/11/2020 08:04

As someone who used to take lodgers, I'm saying "get rid, ASAP." Lodgers (in recognition of the fact that it's your dwelling place) don't have the same rights as tenants, and can be got rid of at relatively short notice.

Going forwards, did you get any spidey tingling when he came round, thinking to yourself "bit odd" but you over-rode those feelings because of "be nice and don't be prejudiced"? You need to listen to your instincts. You are living with this person in your own house.

Whenever I showed a prospective new lodger round my house there was always an imaginary person who'd been to look earlier in the evening, who obviously had first dibs... This meant if I just got one of those "this won't work" feelings, I'd created a ready-made excuse. It also meant I could never be forced to make up my mind on the spot, and always had an excuse to sort out details by phone later.

You might also want to insist on women only. (Obviously some women can be unpleasant - but in this case, the age and sex difference is affecting the power relationship. For this reason I only ever made the mistake of letting to a couple once - two against one again shifts the power dynamic in the house uncomfortably.)

You also want to sort out ground rules like overnight visitors. Mine were "Once or twice a week, fine, but please tell me as a courtesy, LTR but not ONS because I don't want people who are strangers to both of us in the house. Definitely no 'trying to move a partner in on the quiet' though."

And yes, totally agree with others saying there's a bloody good reason a 52 year old bloke is having to rent lodgings at that age.

ThisAintNoPartyThisAintNoDisco · 23/11/2020 08:08

I couldn’t live with that. Bye bye lodger and hello to your new wine fridge

longwayoff · 23/11/2020 08:09

Yours is not the only eating disorder in the house. Your house. He needs to move out and you need to choose your lodgers more carefully. This is just low level bullying for control. Dont put up with it or it will spread into other areas of your life.

OwlOne · 23/11/2020 08:09

I don't know if I would have noticed the very first comment, but after the 3rd or 4th comment I would have said to him 'oy, last time mate'' and say ''I won't mention the state your arteries must be in!'' to let him know that observations and cas bants are a two way street.

The ''smell'' of home made hummous must be very mild. It's not like you were putting cat food in the bin. I must admit, if I moved in with somebody with a pet and had to smell cat food or dog food from a can twice a day (or once a day( I'd have to move out again. So I get that smells can be so gross, but .......... hummous?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 23/11/2020 08:11

Tell him to start looking for a new place to live as your food choices seem to be causing him anxiety . Explain to him its your house and you wont be changing your eating habits so this is his 6 week notice ( or whatever it is )

OwlOne · 23/11/2020 08:11

Ps. I think the point about age and sex is a good one. He is older than you, and a MAN (bow down) so even though you're the landlord and he's your tennant he still takes the ''position of power'' in the relational dynamic.

I agree a woman could work out better. Women are more aware of the unsaid contracts in these situations in my opinion.

BruceAndNosh · 23/11/2020 08:11

Protective circle of coleslaw
Grin

I think the OP has been very accommodating giving lodger his own fridge.
Hopefully your reply to his text has cleared the air.

You seem to be doing as much as is reasonable to work round HIS food issues.
In return, he should not be commenting on YOUR healthy choice of food.

GreyishDays · 23/11/2020 08:14

I think the thing is to see how he is now you’ve said something. Perhaps he thought it was just a joke and that you have genuinely strange food and must realise this.

Now he’s been put straight, see how he goes.

OwlOne · 23/11/2020 08:17

@FlippinNoah

Willing to bet he's a lodger at 52 because somewhere there's another woman who had enough of him and chucked him out.
This. Several perhaps!

I'm 50 and I literally picked up cents off the ground in my 30s and bought a small shabby tiny place on the wrong side of town in my forties. I get that not everybody can do that and I was still lucky (as a single person) to get my own place. I sometimes think about how awful it would be to be still renting as an older adult!