To pull my lodger up about commenting on my food?

[Housewoes23]

I've recently moved into a house and I took on a lodger about 3 weeks later.
I knew him before we made this arrangement, acquaintance rather than friend but we get along okay.

Over the last 10 or so days, he has said(amongst others probably, I haven't documented but as far as I remember)

'Ugh making that disgusting smelly stuff again'

'I emptied the bin and it was fully of your smelly food!'

(When I was making hummus) 'Ugh!I hope the top doesn't come off that blender can you imagine that disgusting stuff going all over the kitchen!'

When I hadn't yet washed up (I'd only just finished making my dinner) and he came in the kitchen 'Eewww!! Disgusting saucy stuff all in the washing up bowl!' (I wasn't going to leave it, I just literally hadn't finished clearing up yet, it was seconds after I'd cooked).

Also, he has his own fridge but shares a freezer with me. He won't go in it because 'my disgusting food' is in there.

I got him his own fridge because he wouldnt share one with me-there was plenty of room for two people's foodstuffs in there, but he 'didn't want to touch my disgusting sauces and horrible food' (I'm paraphrasing but something like that).

For context,we're both single people aged 38 and 52.

I LOVE cooking. I love greek food and often make dips and crudites and use garlic and herbs and sauces.

He is a very plain eater (chicken and chips, ready made pies you'd shove in an oven, bread and cheese).

I haven't ever commented on his choice of eating habits, wouldn't even cross my mind.

Anyway tonight I told him it was making me feel self concious and I would make sure I didn't eat near him, but there is one small kitchen so I can't avoid cooking in it. I'll make sure all is cleaned up when I've used it and won't ever leave anything to be washed up, but I didn't see the need to constantly jibe at what I eat.

AIBU?
And also, would this irritate you?

Another context point is, I have a bit of an ED. 95% corrected now, but I've never particularly liked eating in front of people, although I was/am almost over it-this isn't helping so I wonder if I am being over-sensitive.

TIA :)

and when I got home yesterday he was in his room and I spent ages in the kitchen cooking and ate where I wanted to

Well done for sticking up for yourself. But this is still a shit situation, and no way to live.

Haven't rtft but I would have a field day taking the piss out of his toddler tastes. Your food sounds lush.

I see from your update that you do have some idea of how power works in relationships, and good for you.

Now do you see from his response that this was a power play on his part right from the start? He put up a good fight (the 'shy' gambit) but the minute you spoke up for yourself he turned meek. While this is a good temporary fix, you shouldn't relax, because he has now shown his colours. He can't go along and get along. In his mental picture of how relationships work, either one person is on top or the other is, all the time, with no give and take, no happy coexistence. He needs a sense of power.

There is a reason this 52 year old man has no home of his own to live in and apparently no relationships to fall back on - you have found it out the hard way, and more is to come, I fear. He is not going to put up with his lowest rung of the ladder position for long. You need to get rid of him.

As things stand, you are relieved and happy that you can eat wherever you want to in your own home. I agree absolutely with @MerchantOfVenom, this is still a shit situation, and no way to live.

Oh jeez just get rid and stop engaging with the creep - he's enjoying it.

Bet he LOVED you bringing up him talking about unpleasant things so he could whine 'But I'm shyyyy' - then probably go and wank off thinking about you having to bring up him talking about his poo.

Check your bathroom for a camera.

He's getting off on this, ok?

Please have some sense and ask this creep to get out of your home.

@mathanxiety

I see from your update that you do have some idea of how power works in relationships, and good for you.

Now do you see from his response that this was a power play on his part right from the start? He put up a good fight (the 'shy' gambit) but the minute you spoke up for yourself he turned meek. While this is a good temporary fix, you shouldn't relax, because he has now shown his colours. He can't go along and get along. In his mental picture of how relationships work, either one person is on top or the other is, all the time, with no give and take, no happy coexistence. He needs a sense of power.

There is a reason this 52 year old man has no home of his own to live in and apparently no relationships to fall back on - you have found it out the hard way, and more is to come, I fear. He is not going to put up with his lowest rung of the ladder position for long. You need to get rid of him.

As things stand, you are relieved and happy that you can eat wherever you want to in your own home. I agree absolutely with @MerchantOfVenom, this is still a shit situation, and no way to live.

Such great advice.👏👏👏

Please read OP.

I still (increasingly) think he sounds like a tremendous pain in the arse, & you would be better off finding a new lodger. And being a bit firmer re: acceptable behaviour from the start with the next one.

Im not getting a creepy vibe here..

Im getting 'total lack of self awareness, has lived on his own so long has no idea his issues are fairly out there'.

Tell him he's being rude and unpleasant. Set some boundaries.

If once genuinely aware he really can't go around stropping about what you eat or where you eat it etc... boot him out, lodging in someone elses home is clearly not for him.

Just reading the latest replies. Yes I am okay thanks contessa but you're right-I didn't envisage the running commentry each time I cook, or the sharing of latrine etiquette.

napody thanks.
It is very un-mumsnetty to take the piss out of personal preferences isn't it? I don't understand it myself to be perfectly honest. I am going to (for amusement purposes only) list some of his weird food quirks!

mathanxiety He does often say he is shy. Shy to me is a bit of a strange,wishy-washy word-I've never fuond a true definition of it. It doesn't mean quiet (I know plenty of quiet people who aren't shy), doesn't necessarily mean insecure or similar but I am digressing-if it means anything, I wouldn't think someone shy would tell me about their loo habits or make nasty comments.

He lost his home after giving all his money away and has rented since. You seem quite concerned for me and I appreciate that. By turned meek are you referring to him being in his bedroom?

Yoni Getting off in it, do you really think that?

widdling I have most definitely not held back in making it clear how rude I believe he is, trust me!He hasn't said anything since, apart from one thing which was that he didn't like me eating in another room 'because he made one comnment'. I told him it was very much not 'one comment!'

So, for a bit of a lighthearted end to it if some think required, here are some oddities.

Afraid of ketchup.
Cannot enter a room if there is some food in it, that he doesn't like (even a smidgen of).
Afraid of ladybirds.
Afraid of butterflies
Refers to his stomach as his 'tummy'.
Refers to one's bum/ass as their 'bottom'.
Cannot eat a burger if it has anything come with it (not touching it even!) that he doesn't like.
Using the loo and being heard, anxieties, but tells me when he is using the loo (today he did this again, asking if I was going downstairs as 'he would like to go to the loo without an audience') .

I am sure there may be more.

I truly appreciate this thread and the support I've got from it. Cannot thank you all enough. I can be a bit too thoughtful about things like this when really, I should just retaliate based on instinct.

Oh and who doesn't know what chilli powder is?

when you've been in an abusive relationship, you absorb other people's negative emotions. You're probably a people pleaser, so when he feels frustrated or disgusted or whatever else he feels, you're going to have to fight the hardwiring you have to make it all better for him. The fact that it's your house and he pays you rent to live there won't change that hardwiring.
Every day, think about what you would do if he weren't there and then do that, consciously. Because if you don't ask yourself what you'd do to please you, then you're going to accidently slip in to pleasing him.

I know you've been cooking a lot again but i mean, bit by bit.

So check in with yourself and ask yourself 'what do I want to eat?' where do I want to eat it?

Ykwim.

If you can afford it, it'd be better if he moved out though!!

He lost his home after giving all his money away and has rented since. You seem quite concerned for me and I appreciate that. By turned meek are you referring to him being in his bedroom?

1. How do you know he gave away all his money? This sounds like something someone would do in a manic episode.

2. Yes, turning meek = avoiding you.
   This man has two gears: abrasive and meek, with nothing in between.
   I have most definitely not held back in making it clear how rude I believe he is, trust me!He hasn't said anything since, apart from one thing which was that he didn't like me eating in another room 'because he made one comnment'. I told him it was very much not 'one comment!'
   So there you have the two gears. He resented your criticism of him.
   You must start gathering the strength to get rid of him. He is going to keep on pushing back until you are once again the meek one. You should not have to conduct this sort of running battle in your own home.

3. Shy is indeed a nebulous word, and probably one he has used in order to elicit the sympathy of caretaker/doormat women who immediately jump to take him under their wing. Shy has associations with harmlessness.

I think he's quite cunning and very aggressive.

How has the conversation got around to body parts (bottom, tummy)?

owlone I definitely have been and I've done a lot of work on myself but I accept that stuff takes a LOT of unpicking.

I've been looking at the situation since I began this thread-I can afford the house alone. It's just, with him here I can also afford to save money. And buy myself the odd nice thing?
I appreciate what you're saying, I really do. Because when I was replying to you then I thought 'but where would he go, he'd be upset!' definitely wired for it, I am.
I am definitely going to be very very mindful of what I want.

math of the body parts thing, I apologise-I was trying to make light of the situation and someone asked did he do anything else weird,so in an attempt to thank people for helping,, see if I could add some lightheartedness.

I don't know the full story but he apparently became obsessed with a woman for whom he paid all rent, lent money to, took her on lots of holidays etc.

The cunning/shy thing is interesting-I agree he probably isn't as daft as he acts. I certainly don't believe he is shy (whatever he means by using the word).

No, I meant, how did you come to realise he says 'bottom' and 'tummy'?

Did he use them first in conversation or did you?

What he is hoping to achieve by using the word 'shy' is to appear harmless, a man who needs the help of a big hearted woman. He somehow senses that you are someone who might be vulnerable to the pathos. Your comment that you were feeling concern about where he would go shows that he has sensed right.

Some men get women by walking cute puppies. Some chat women up in pubs or clubs. Some do a dishevelled and disorganised and in need of someone to take charge schtick.

Your lodger wants a specific type of women who will let him walk all over her and believe that she is sheltering and nurturing a sensitive and misunderstood soul. The story about the woman who took him for all he was worth was probably true in the reverse but she wised up and cut him off.

I have to say, I think @mathanxiety has nailed it.

There is something really wrong about this guy

If you hadn’t have said anything, he’d be carrying on making you walk on eggshells in your own home

He has to go. Please give him notice

I'm getting far too invested in this thread. Today I started thinking victim-blamey things and getting annoyed with OP for endlessly dithering and discussing their conversations and texts here instead of looking for another, decent lodger. Now I'm freaking out because she won't get rid of him before Christmas. If she tells him to go he'll guilt trip her for making him homeless just before Christmas and she'll fall for it.

Yoni Getting off in it, do you really think that?

Yes, absolutely. It's all linked with mathanxiety's points.

This guy is manipulative and unpleasant with an aggressive streak: he is actually nothing like the persona he has adopted in your home. The point about toileting is the biggest red flag so far, the food stuff also points to the same thing. If he were the 'shy, unsure' persona he acts out, none of this would have happened. He would eat in his room to avoid the kitchen. He would wait until you were out to use the loo and the same embarrassment would mean that he would rather die than tell you that.

But no. He does the opposite. Comes into the area where the 'bad' things are and comments. Makes you feel awkward. Has no problem with intimidating you. Why?

The loo. He isn't embarrassed. Quite the opposite. Mentions it when there is no need to. Draws attention to his bodily functions.

You've not clarified the thing with the body part names he uses but again, it's ??? - why are these words coming up, repeatedly?

He sounds like a very clever little pervert who has identified someone that he can enjoy crossing personal boundaries with, because if he presents himself as 'odd' - they will make allowances, they will be afraid of appearing insensitive and 'not PC' by pulling him up on things.

It's a completely classic tactic for abusers. You're being groomed in your own home.

It is utterly creepy and you can't really see it. Of course you can't see it. The kind of person who would spot this a mile off would have kicked him out the day after he started this shit.

I really really urge you to tell him it's just not working and ask him to leave.

@YoniAndGuy

Yoni Getting off in it, do you really think that?

Yes, absolutely. It's all linked with mathanxiety's points.

This guy is manipulative and unpleasant with an aggressive streak: he is actually nothing like the persona he has adopted in your home. The point about toileting is the biggest red flag so far, the food stuff also points to the same thing. If he were the 'shy, unsure' persona he acts out, none of this would have happened. He would eat in his room to avoid the kitchen. He would wait until you were out to use the loo and the same embarrassment would mean that he would rather die than tell you that.

But no. He does the opposite. Comes into the area where the 'bad' things are and comments. Makes you feel awkward. Has no problem with intimidating you. Why?

The loo. He isn't embarrassed. Quite the opposite. Mentions it when there is no need to. Draws attention to his bodily functions.

You've not clarified the thing with the body part names he uses but again, it's ??? - why are these words coming up, repeatedly?

He sounds like a very clever little pervert who has identified someone that he can enjoy crossing personal boundaries with, because if he presents himself as 'odd' - they will make allowances, they will be afraid of appearing insensitive and 'not PC' by pulling him up on things.

It's a completely classic tactic for abusers. You're being groomed in your own home.

It is utterly creepy and you can't really see it. Of course you can't see it. The kind of person who would spot this a mile off would have kicked him out the day after he started this shit.

I really really urge you to tell him it's just not working and ask him to leave.

@YoniAndGuy has nailed it. This creep isn’t shy. He’s manipulative and abusive. He may or may not have traits but you are not his mother, not his carer, and he has clearly shown you are not his friend. You are his target.

Agree with above.

He's about as shy as a rattle snake.

It is deeply worrying OP that you don't see this.

This NOT a man you want ruling the roost.

He's sounds awful.

I can't bear the expression 'pulling someone up.' But yanbu to tell him what he's doing and saying is unacceptable. I couldn't live with that crap.

Yoni and Guy, totally agree with you. OP is being groomed and abused to the point where she is grateful to be allowed to cook in her own home and has been drawn into a convo abt her lodgers bottom, for God's sake. He's getting off on this. But she can't see it. Or won't.

Mathanxiety

I heard him saying someone on TV had a nice bottom, and heard him refer to our friend as having a 'big bottom'.

He has said he had 'tummy ache' and that he needs to 'lose his tummy before summer' things such as that.

I am definitely not going to be that woman, at all!

MzHz I agree he does have a weird vibe to him, and I have been looking at other lodgers today. His contract is so that he only has to have a week's notice.

coaltit I am sorry, I didn't mean to 'dither' I've appreciated everyone's input.
I don't think I would seek another lodger instantly anyway, I'd probably have things to myself for a while.

Yoni I am seeing that now. If you don't like something you avoid it, don't you? I appreciate people are different. I do sort of believe that he honestly cannot think of anything to say so says critical things, but the rest of it stands.

I definitely am seeing the creepy, sinister side of things. I didn't before admittedly. Not just from this thread, but my own observations since too.

He is an odd character.

missmouse What expression would you use? It isn't one I use often. I guess I could have said 'have a go at' or 'retaliate'.

today he did this again, asking if I was going downstairs as 'he would like to go to the loo without an audience'
Oh, my god! When will you tell him to go?

coal I'm going to do it end of next week. I've got a long stretch of long shifts at work including overnights and then I'm off for ten days. I'd rather do it when I can lend myself to talking to him properly (& will be at home,in case he decides to do anything dodgy)!