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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pull my lodger up about commenting on my food?

418 replies

Housewoes23 · 23/11/2020 00:04

I've recently moved into a house and I took on a lodger about 3 weeks later.
I knew him before we made this arrangement, acquaintance rather than friend but we get along okay.

Over the last 10 or so days, he has said(amongst others probably, I haven't documented but as far as I remember)

'Ugh making that disgusting smelly stuff again'

'I emptied the bin and it was fully of your smelly food!'

(When I was making hummus) 'Ugh!I hope the top doesn't come off that blender can you imagine that disgusting stuff going all over the kitchen!'

When I hadn't yet washed up (I'd only just finished making my dinner) and he came in the kitchen 'Eewww!! Disgusting saucy stuff all in the washing up bowl!' (I wasn't going to leave it, I just literally hadn't finished clearing up yet, it was seconds after I'd cooked).

Also, he has his own fridge but shares a freezer with me. He won't go in it because 'my disgusting food' is in there.

I got him his own fridge because he wouldnt share one with me-there was plenty of room for two people's foodstuffs in there, but he 'didn't want to touch my disgusting sauces and horrible food' (I'm paraphrasing but something like that).

For context,we're both single people aged 38 and 52.

I LOVE cooking. I love greek food and often make dips and crudites and use garlic and herbs and sauces.

He is a very plain eater (chicken and chips, ready made pies you'd shove in an oven, bread and cheese).

I haven't ever commented on his choice of eating habits, wouldn't even cross my mind.

Anyway tonight I told him it was making me feel self concious and I would make sure I didn't eat near him, but there is one small kitchen so I can't avoid cooking in it. I'll make sure all is cleaned up when I've used it and won't ever leave anything to be washed up, but I didn't see the need to constantly jibe at what I eat.

AIBU?
And also, would this irritate you?

Another context point is, I have a bit of an ED. 95% corrected now, but I've never particularly liked eating in front of people, although I was/am almost over it-this isn't helping so I wonder if I am being over-sensitive.

TIA :)

OP posts:
lyralalala · 24/11/2020 19:15

•Why not just call them a flat - or house - mate then?

‘Lodging’ isn’t a thing here, so I’m not really clear on the difference.

Lodgers have set legal rights that are very different to tenants or shared tenants

CorianderQueen · 24/11/2020 19:32

@MerchantOfVenom lodgers are renting a room in a house where the owner of the house also lives. They have different legal rights and this generally pay less.

Housemates or roommates are equal tenants renting from a landlord who doesn't live on site.

Original poster
Housewoes23 · 24/11/2020 21:07

alexgr8 he doesn't work-although he is looking for something part time.
I am confident he meant that he didn't mean for me to feel I had to eat somewhere he wasn't. But I think I will do from now on as, as someone upthread said-I know what he is thinking now, whether he voices it or not and it isn't conducive to me feeling comfortable.

Diverse thank you for clarifying-I'd not be like that, he is free to put his belongings in the kitchen and wherever (within reason obviously).

lyralala

Yes, he would likely deny that he was trying to control where/what I ate I think but I knw what you mean. I'll see if he mentions anything else tomorrow if I cook around him.

The loo thing-I had got to work for a morning shift and had a message of him to the lines of 'I thought you'd never leave, been dying for the loo!' to which I responded that as long as I could get to work on time and had finished showering he was fine to use the loo with me in the house (obvious so I thought). He said he couldn't use it while I was in, he's too self concious.

allSchrodingersImmigrant Grin Grin

Others have explained differneces between lodgers and tenants/shared housemates well :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Housewoes23 · 24/11/2020 22:17

Made some horrible disgusting dips last night

To pull my lodger up about commenting on my food?
OP posts:
TatianaBis · 24/11/2020 22:22

Hummus, guacamole and what?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/11/2020 22:24

@Housewoes23

Made some horrible disgusting dips last night
Lovely! Have you tried sprinkling them around door frames like a holy water?😂 will he hiss?
DanceyBee · 24/11/2020 22:48

My immediate thought was he sounds autistic. Either way he’s being incredibly rude, it’s definitely not you.

Original poster
Housewoes23 · 24/11/2020 22:50

Schroedingers Grin

The spinach one is particularly nice but I can't bliddy remember how I made it! Not guacamole (love guacamole though), spinach, sunflower seeds, chilli, lemon juice , olive oil and white beans of some sort.. sure I put something else in it...

Others are tomato and chilli and tomato, chilli, white beans and soaked sunflower seeds and olive oil (I always make one low calorie one). :)

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/11/2020 23:05

They sound lovely

alexdgr8 · 25/11/2020 00:02

i'm actually getting a bit worried for you, OP.
the situation does not seem comical to me.
the more you reveal, the more concerning it becomes.

alexdgr8 · 25/11/2020 00:03

do you have some sources of support nearby, friends, relatives.

Original poster
Housewoes23 · 25/11/2020 00:43

alexdgr8 yes, I do have family close by. Don't know many people around here apart from them yet really.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/11/2020 02:00

Fried chicken has Scottish origins so he's still on point with the forrin food Grin

DeeCeeCherry · 25/11/2020 02:13

You have this rude man living in your house. You sound as if you're apologetic towards him. I don't quite get it. It's not wise to have lodgers, particularly male lodgers, if you're easily cowed by rude, offensive people. When a person isn't nice but see that you're too nice, they'll take advantage.

Soon you'll change your cooking so as not to offend him. Then he'll pick on something else.

He's a lodger he's not your partner, just tell him to leave. You don't have to give him a long notice period. It's not working out.

I wouldn't have someone like that across my doorstep.

MerchantOfVenom · 25/11/2020 02:35

He won’t use the loo while you’re in the house?

Again, as I said upthread, other peculiarities are going to come to light. Clearly he’s not a suitable lodger. But you take your time and figure that out yourself.

DeeCeeCherry · 25/11/2020 03:48

Extraordinary. Almost as if you want just wanted advice on how best to accommodate this oddball, controlling man. You don't sound particularly bothered now so if it works for you then, good luck.

Graciebobcat · 25/11/2020 03:52

This would make me so angry and I would tell him to either fuck off with his opinions about my diet or fuck off out of the house.

Original poster
Housewoes23 · 25/11/2020 03:55

He hasn't said or done anything untoward since, and I don't see a lot of him with my working hours.

I am definitely mindful of anything else cropping up, and I am going to have no qualms in telling him he has to leave if they do.

I just wanted to know if others would have been irritated/annoyed at this or if my ED played a part. Very grateful for all responses.

The loo thing, I found odd purely because not wanting to use the loo where you may be heard is quite common I think-but not then telling the person who may hear, about that? Surely that just draws attention to the plight.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 25/11/2020 04:50

The loo thing-I had got to work for a morning shift and had a message of him to the lines of 'I thought you'd never leave, been dying for the loo!' to which I responded that as long as I could get to work on time and had finished showering he was fine to use the loo with me in the house (obvious so I thought). He said he couldn't use it while I was in, he's too self concious.

A comment that you’ll likely remember any morning you’re running late, fancy a late start or heaven forbid a day at home and you’ll feel under pressure to leave your home so he can use the toilet... another controlling flag

Be very careful OP

Frequentflier · 25/11/2020 06:06

I am totally creeped out by this man and I havent even met him. All the danger signals. I hope I am wrong but I don't see this ending well. And the posters asking OP to " be kind"! She's not his mother or his doctor. OP, really you must get rid of him
He is a bully and it doesn't matter why he is one.

MrsTidyHouse · 25/11/2020 06:41

'didn't want me to eat in there you can eat what you want take no notice of me'.

See, this simply doesn't sound like any kind of apology at all to me. More like he's giving you permission and he's being very brave putting up with the inconvenience to himself. And the take no notice of me is designed to guilt you.

The whole thing makes me very uncomfortable.

MoonJelly · 25/11/2020 07:21

The loo thing, I found odd purely because not wanting to use the loo where you may be heard is quite common I think-but not then telling the person who may hear, about that? Surely that just draws attention to the plight.

Wasn't that the point? He wanted you to be aware that you need to go out so he can go to the loo. What would happen if you stayed in the entire day?

CupoTeap · 25/11/2020 07:21

Op do you think him not working is the problem , he's there more than you and is getting confused over whose house it is?

Original poster
Housewoes23 · 25/11/2020 07:52

I work all different shifts (just got in from a night one) so I'm often in bed in the morning, or asleep during the day or just waking when most people are having lunch so it isn't as tho he can always wait until I've gone out? I'd definitely not go out to enable him to use the loo alone in the house! I'm not quite that nice. moon on a day off I quite often am or most of it at least :)
cupotea hmm. Maybe? I mean, I wasn't not careful. His contract is firm and clear and I discussed my lifestyle as a shift worker with him before he moved in. I didnt think to express about food/toilet habits though.
Not really seen him a lot past couple of days. I'm in bed now and he isnt up yet, unless he's gone out somewhere which I doubt.

mrstidy hmm maybe you've a point. I'm trying to imagine what a 'real' apology would be. 'I'm sorry,I really was out of order' or something..

OP posts:
CheetasOnFajitas · 25/11/2020 08:07

@lyralalala

The loo thing-I had got to work for a morning shift and had a message of him to the lines of 'I thought you'd never leave, been dying for the loo!' to which I responded that as long as I could get to work on time and had finished showering he was fine to use the loo with me in the house (obvious so I thought). He said he couldn't use it while I was in, he's too self concious.

A comment that you’ll likely remember any morning you’re running late, fancy a late start or heaven forbid a day at home and you’ll feel under pressure to leave your home so he can use the toilet... another controlling flag

Be very careful OP

Also, messaging you about his toilet habits is weird and over-familiar and kind of creepy. He was probably sitting in the toilet when he sent that message. Eurgh.