To pull my lodger up about commenting on my food?

[Housewoes23]

I've recently moved into a house and I took on a lodger about 3 weeks later.
I knew him before we made this arrangement, acquaintance rather than friend but we get along okay.

Over the last 10 or so days, he has said(amongst others probably, I haven't documented but as far as I remember)

'Ugh making that disgusting smelly stuff again'

'I emptied the bin and it was fully of your smelly food!'

(When I was making hummus) 'Ugh!I hope the top doesn't come off that blender can you imagine that disgusting stuff going all over the kitchen!'

When I hadn't yet washed up (I'd only just finished making my dinner) and he came in the kitchen 'Eewww!! Disgusting saucy stuff all in the washing up bowl!' (I wasn't going to leave it, I just literally hadn't finished clearing up yet, it was seconds after I'd cooked).

Also, he has his own fridge but shares a freezer with me. He won't go in it because 'my disgusting food' is in there.

I got him his own fridge because he wouldnt share one with me-there was plenty of room for two people's foodstuffs in there, but he 'didn't want to touch my disgusting sauces and horrible food' (I'm paraphrasing but something like that).

For context,we're both single people aged 38 and 52.

I LOVE cooking. I love greek food and often make dips and crudites and use garlic and herbs and sauces.

He is a very plain eater (chicken and chips, ready made pies you'd shove in an oven, bread and cheese).

I haven't ever commented on his choice of eating habits, wouldn't even cross my mind.

Anyway tonight I told him it was making me feel self concious and I would make sure I didn't eat near him, but there is one small kitchen so I can't avoid cooking in it. I'll make sure all is cleaned up when I've used it and won't ever leave anything to be washed up, but I didn't see the need to constantly jibe at what I eat.

AIBU?
And also, would this irritate you?

Another context point is, I have a bit of an ED. 95% corrected now, but I've never particularly liked eating in front of people, although I was/am almost over it-this isn't helping so I wonder if I am being over-sensitive.

TIA :)

” He left his last house because, I mentioned to him and others a while that I was going toadvertise for a lodger when I got my new place. I work long hours and the house I walooking at had a spare room, I was a bit worried about money, I knew I'd manage, but haven't lived alone for a while (I was renting in shared accomodation after a relationship break up) so felt it would help. He mentioned that he was struggling renting a 2 bed by himself and didn't have much money or any need for a whole house so he would lodge with me. I thought well better than a complete stranger, I knew him well enough (and had mutual friends who also did and knew him better/and for longer) to know he wasn't a complete creep or really messy or an alcoholic or any other commonly spoken of lodger issues so I agreed.”

The sentence in bold really stood out to me, @Housewoes23 - he didn’t ask if he could be your lodger, he TOLD you he would lodge with you! He thinks he’s the boss, and the food thing is a second big red flag, IMO.

The fact that he thinks yogurt is vegan tells you how thick he is! Also, "takeaway is foreign food". I wouldn't put up with him, OP. He's fully entitled to eat what he wants, but the incessant criticism of your choices in your own home is completely out of order. His issues with food are also very extreme, because he wouldn't eat a burger that was served with coleslaw in a ramekin!. The coleslaw hadn't even touched the burger yet he wasted it. Ludicrous.

So most recent update, along with food phobias/sensory issues definitely points to ASD, IMO. He reminds me of my DH.

It's your home, you decide what you want to tolerate. My suggestion would be a chat about how he must stop talking about your food or he will have to leave, as it may make you ill.

It isn't your job to be his support person. Similar issues are likely to arise in future. Have the courage of your convictions to tell him how things must be, if he wants to stay. I think he'll appreciate the clarity.

If it's too much hassle, he needs to move on.

Well he's wrong about takeaways

This would 100% annoy be greater. How rude.

It sounds to me like he has some issues here himself. He sounds quite irrational in his thinking about your food.

He needs to remember he is the lodger and its your house. If he doesn't like it he should move on. Similarly if its getting you down you should tell him its not working out. You will find someone better I promise. I don't think this situation is going to get any better with him.

You really should feel 100% comfortable in your own house and enjoy cooking and eating whatever you choose to.

Good Luck to him finding somewhere better if this is all he has to complain about. Some house shares can be horrific.

x

The only people who have ever said such horrible things about food to me have all been abusive, either to me or other people.

Unless he is the only thing standing between you and a Bailiff, fuck him right off now. If he is, then he can fuck off for New Year.

With your last update he doesn't even understand the concept of takeaways. That you "take it away" from the restaurant or food preparation place to eat elsewhere, usually at home. Whether you collect it yourself or have it delivered, it remains a takeaway and that doesn't have any bearing on what type of food it is. Fish and chips from the local chippy is a takeaway but I suppose it isn't what this idiot would call foreign food.

Yogurt is most definitely not vegan as it is made from an animal product.

He sounds clueless, arrogant and extremely tactless. I really would be itching to show him the door.

I forgot to add...As a work around until he leaves/you find someone else could you arrange times for each of you to use the kitchen to cook and eat? I know its not great but at least this will give you your own time to enjoy your dinner without his ridiculous comments and making you feel uncomfortable.

Good Luck!

But yeah, telling you he would be moving in with you did jump out as weird. It's all about what's convenient to him, with no thought to the idea that you might have an opinion or feelings.

Likewise communicating by text when you're in the same house. That's classic 'get out NOW' behaviour.

(Back in my day it was written notes, or post-its stuck to things. When someone started communicating via notes - signalling that they were too much of a bullying coward to speak to you, as you might turn out to have a very reasonable objections to their demands - you knew it was the end of any civil relationship with them).

@MilerVino

Ketchup was originally a fish sauce from SE Asia. Not sure of the origins of brown sauce but it's surprising how often something 'forrin' becomes adopted as English.

Oooh. Interesting!

I know a PP already said it, but didn't the penny drop for him even when he said he TAKES the food AWAY when he's collects it?! he's very closed minded and set in his ideas. Or just really thick!

‘But fried chicken is American’

‘And we are in England which makes it a ‘foreign’ food just like Indian or Chinese. Not that that matters. Take away fish and chips is massively popular and that’s British food, often collected from the shop and brought home to eat.’

I would sit down and talk about it with him. Say "I can see you have a real problem with this. Have you tried anything to help it? We need to find a way to move forward if you are going to continue to live here as it is upsetting both of us" And go from there.

FUCK THAT! Op isn't his mother or his therapist! Why should she have to come home from work and then be emotional support for a 52 year old man? If he can't keep his comments to himself and act civilly then shared accommodation is not for him.

OP you've been far too soft on this man (refusing to use fridge and freezer would have been the end of it for me - no way would I have bought him his own!) and he's taking liberties. Nobody should be making you uncomfortable in your own home, get rid of him!

From what you've said @Housewoes23, it seems as though the decision to move in with you was all his?
He took the initiative and you meekly obeyed, he's been bullying you from the start. Probably had you marked down on day one as a soft touch who would do what she was told.

He has got to go, or your house will never be your own. It isn't your job to accommodate his weird food issues.

God he sounds annoying OP.

He does sound like he has major sensory issues around food, but even if he can't help how he feels about it, he's compromising OP's enjoyment of her home and making her feel uncomfortable. That's not OK.

I doubt he will be able to modify his behaviour, it sounds too entrenched. So for that reason if I were OP I would be giving him his marching orders.

Ideally, he needs to be living alone without other people to bother him. It might cost him more, but that's not OP's problem.

Exactly this re him being someone who lives alone. I find it interesting that he jumped straight from “I can’t afford to rent a 2 bed place” to “I will lodge with OP” rather than the obvious solution of renting a 1 bed by himself.

He sounds tiresome! The food he eats is very beige. If he says anything again, just say that you don’t fancy his food either!

Stop apologising to him for living in your own house, and stop accommodating his rudeness.

If you can't tell him to his face then write him a letter

"This is my house. I am tired of your rudeness and insults about my food and the kitchen. Stop behaving like this and mend you manners or you will have to leave. "

@Pumpertrumper

‘But fried chicken is American’

‘And we are in England which makes it a ‘foreign’ food just like Indian or Chinese. Not that that matters. Take away fish and chips is massively popular and that’s British food, often collected from the shop and brought home to eat.’

I believe that fried fish originated in the East End of London, brought there by Sephardic Jewish immigrants, @Pumpertrumper - chips seem to have originated separately in Lancashire - so fish and chips isn’t wholly British either. Don’t tell @Housewoes23‘s lodger!

Most of the food we eat regularly today isn't wholly British😁 I like to remind rude ignorants of it. (I worked in hospitality, had plenty)
I remember hearing fish and chips were originally Italian, but the story of the jewish person is more common.

Food and spices were always of interest to travellers so they brought it back home. It's so much more mixed than many people realise.

Wow.

Understanding a little more why he’s still lodging at 52...

This isn’t going to get any better. And it won’t just be around food issues.

But I think you will need to figure that out in your own time,

YABU to pander to him

I wonder if any of the group of mutual friends could throw some light on why he's behaving as he is. One who is a little closer to you could advise and reassure and one who is closer to him could give have a friendly word, or help him find a shared house .

I guess he has friends among your circle - and by the age of 52 will have established his character and will have nurtured a friendship group of buddies who know his good points.
Probably a shared house would suit him, one with an atmosphere of ironic banter, and some thick-skinned jokers and funsters. Perhaps one of the group you both hang out would help him find somewhere.

I'd rather enlist friends to help find him something to suit his style than 'pull him up' because to do so might embarrass him.

I think sharing with a group where you're all equal would be nicer than creeping about as a lodger and scuttling back to your bedsit with your tray of cooling food, making sure you haven't mistakenly left a notebook or pen in the owner's kitchen or lounge!
OP, you've made so many allowances and are the most considerate landlady, but I feel myself that lodging is a bit of an in between, and not I feel for everybody.

Even if he has an E D himself doesn't give him licence to be rude!

This would upset me also. What a prick