To pull my lodger up about commenting on my food?

[Housewoes23]

I've recently moved into a house and I took on a lodger about 3 weeks later.
I knew him before we made this arrangement, acquaintance rather than friend but we get along okay.

Over the last 10 or so days, he has said(amongst others probably, I haven't documented but as far as I remember)

'Ugh making that disgusting smelly stuff again'

'I emptied the bin and it was fully of your smelly food!'

(When I was making hummus) 'Ugh!I hope the top doesn't come off that blender can you imagine that disgusting stuff going all over the kitchen!'

When I hadn't yet washed up (I'd only just finished making my dinner) and he came in the kitchen 'Eewww!! Disgusting saucy stuff all in the washing up bowl!' (I wasn't going to leave it, I just literally hadn't finished clearing up yet, it was seconds after I'd cooked).

Also, he has his own fridge but shares a freezer with me. He won't go in it because 'my disgusting food' is in there.

I got him his own fridge because he wouldnt share one with me-there was plenty of room for two people's foodstuffs in there, but he 'didn't want to touch my disgusting sauces and horrible food' (I'm paraphrasing but something like that).

For context,we're both single people aged 38 and 52.

I LOVE cooking. I love greek food and often make dips and crudites and use garlic and herbs and sauces.

He is a very plain eater (chicken and chips, ready made pies you'd shove in an oven, bread and cheese).

I haven't ever commented on his choice of eating habits, wouldn't even cross my mind.

Anyway tonight I told him it was making me feel self concious and I would make sure I didn't eat near him, but there is one small kitchen so I can't avoid cooking in it. I'll make sure all is cleaned up when I've used it and won't ever leave anything to be washed up, but I didn't see the need to constantly jibe at what I eat.

AIBU?
And also, would this irritate you?

Another context point is, I have a bit of an ED. 95% corrected now, but I've never particularly liked eating in front of people, although I was/am almost over it-this isn't helping so I wonder if I am being over-sensitive.

TIA :)

It is possible that he is autistic, but he has never been assessed or diagnosed because it just wasn’t a ‘thing’ when he was a child.

Quite a lot of what you say about him would indicate that he may at least have been assessed had he been 30 years younger.

@Seeingadistance

It is possible that he is autistic, but he has never been assessed or diagnosed because it just wasn’t a ‘thing’ when he was a child.

Quite a lot of what you say about him would indicate that he may at least have been assessed had he been 30 years younger.

He could.indeed be and because of it not realise how he is coming across, so maybe the OP could explain to him.that it is not acceptable to be rude about what other people eat.

Could be maybe eat.in his room or somewhere else, OK

As someone who has had an ED, I have to avoid certain foods which trigger bingeing and our being which means my diet is already limited and I would be seriously pissed off at having to change my diet for someone, so it isn't fair on you to restrict what you eat because he doesn't like it.

My food phonic friend has an autistic dbro and it’s very likely she is on the spectrum and HFA

Just to add that his likely being autistic doesn’t mean that the OP has to accept his words and behaviours. Far from it.

If she does decide it’s worth keeping him on as a lodger she should be very, very clear that it is her house, her kitchen and she makes the decisions and exercises her own choices. She gets to decide if she wants to make any compromises and her needs and wants take priority over his.

And who knows - maybe with clear and unambiguous boundaries in place, this might work out.

And if it doesn’t - the OP has received good advice for the future on having a lodger.

@Seeingadistance

Just to add that his likely being autistic doesn’t mean that the OP has to accept his words and behaviours. Far from it.

If she does decide it’s worth keeping him on as a lodger she should be very, very clear that it is her house, her kitchen and she makes the decisions and exercises her own choices. She gets to decide if she wants to make any compromises and her needs and wants take priority over his.

And who knows - maybe with clear and unambiguous boundaries in place, this might work out.

And if it doesn’t - the OP has received good advice for the future on having a lodger.

This.

I have some good friends with ASD and they are lovely but sometimes just need to be told the boundaries.

Hope that doesn't sound patronising, I don't mean it to at all.

Tell him that you've had the plumber round and that his lack of fibre means his stools have been blocking the pipes and he has to go as you can't afford the extensive plumbing work needed.

I’d be livid. Get rid of him. Either he’s being deliberately rude because he wants to dominate the space, or he’s a weirdo with such bad social skills that he doesn’t realise how rude he is. Either way you don’t need that crap in your life.

OP, if he is a good lodger in other ways, you could tell him firmly that it is extremely ill mannered to make disparaging comments about what others eat - because it is! He may never have been told that before and might take it on board.

This is powerplay

You own the house, he’s only the lodger, yet he is pissing all over you and making you feel you need to apologise for eating food with sauces () and making you feel self conscious and in the wrong

Find a nicer lodger! What a dick

Lol. He sounds like a complete weirdo with some major food issues. There's nothing wrong with your food and you sound very considerate about the cleaning up, getting him a separate fridge etc.
I guess it's up to you whether to ask him to move out, or whether to discuss the issue and see if his behaviour improves.
I think you need to state that you will be cooking in your own kitchen, eating in your dining room, that you don't want any comments on your food, and that you will clear up within an hour of finishing eating your meal. If he can't deal with that, he needs to stay out of the communal areas at mealtimes.
It is non negotiable and it is your house.

On the plus side, at least he isn't stealing your food!

I have some good friends with ASD and they are lovely but sometimes just need to be told the boundaries.

This guy doesn't sound lovely though. Not all autistic people are nice. They vary just like everyone. Anyway that is beside the point. The OP isn't responsible for lodgers that need their boundaries pointing out at age 52, even if they are otherwise nice people. Different if the person is a friend, family member, work colleague. But not in your own home.

Not all peopel with unusual food opinions and hates are autistic...
Honestly, I would bet more on him just being ignorant and rude that autistic. He is 52, rude, lod about it, and it's simply impossible to hate all foreign food textures, flavours and smells.

There may be an element kf asd, but I very much doubt that's all that is to it. Even if, it simply doesn't excuse behaviour like this.

This would piss me off.. really rude of him.

I'd rather enlist friends to help find him something to suit his style than 'pull him up' because to do so might embarrass him. Diddums. Can't handle being embarrassed but he can dish out insults about the OP's food and washing up?

I think sharing with a group where you're all equal would be nicer than creeping about as a lodger and scuttling back to your bedsit with your tray of cooling food, making sure you haven't mistakenly left a notebook or pen in the owner's kitchen or lounge! That's a straw man, rude and inaccurate; the OP's house set-up isn't like this from what she's said.

what kind of work does he do.
did he actually text that, he didn't want you eating in the other room.
if so, that might be worrying too.
idiomatically, that could mean, i'm sorry, you don't have to do that; i didn't mean to drive you away/restrict what you could do, and where, ie make you feel uncomfortable.
but taken with other over-bearing tendencies, it could mean, i don't want you eating in the other room. leave that for me. keep to the kitchen, so it's only one room for me to avoid, since you have already messed the kitchen up with that food.
i think you need to rid yourself of this person.
it#s like putting a lemur in with a hyena. he'll walk over you.

YABU to be letting him bully you and pandering to him by buying another unnecessary fridge. Time for him to go and you to get some self confidence.

The OPs house set-up is great, she's been extraordinarily considerate and has chosen to make arrangements to make her lodger more comfortable. I stated as much. My reference was to the general default position for landlord and lodger, which sounds not very relaxing for the latter. I just think that for some individuals the power imbalance of the person owning the house and having more say and rights is not going to work smoothly. This could be because it is hard not to slip into being yourself when you are 'at home' . For some people the level of tact needed to check yourself and keep to certain parts of the house might be too difficult to manage. People tend to relax as other threads on the topic have illustrated. Everyone ought to have a level of discretion, but people don't always have it. The problem probably becomes worse if you have been friends and feel comfortable about being yourself with the other one.

I'm commenting more about the protocols of lodger arrangement generally than about OP who sounds so sensitive and thoughtful that she will naturally put others first. My comments won't be of relevance to OP, but I have been a bit shocked by posters commenting about pulling up or putting lodger in his place and 'its your house' because comments sound somewhat unkind and demeaning.

I didn't know until I read about it on MN that lodgers until normal arrangements, the default position, should use their room and the kitchen only and not leave any belongings of theirs in the kitchen. I doesn't sound a set-up that you could relax into as easily as if there were three of you renting and sharing and all on an equal footing and having the run of communal areas. I would prefer the latter over the former, personally unless I was a very good friend of the landlady/lord and being around them was companionable.

I'm back!Sorry, weirdly-patterned shift worker.

I haven't had any comments from him since (although admittedly I've not eaten around him, which has been partly coincidental, ie he's been out, partly because I have chosen to).I think he has got the message though as some of the time he has been there while I've cooked and he hasn't said anything. And yes @rainingbatsandfrogs, I feel I know he is judging me now, even if he isn't verbalising it!

lottiegarbanzo that's an interesting POV. Yes, set in his ways definitely. I honestly couldnt' see him getting along with anyone who isn't so rigid about food, really.

lindaellen that's such a nice thing to say, thank you. I am pretty useless at plenty of things, honestly! Maybe I enjoy cooking so much because it is one thing I can do fairly well!

Yes, the coleslaw thing was pretty shocking-we all thought the same, although we didn't really say much of it.

whippet that sounds pretty rough for you but you've reached a compromise. Food is quite important isn't it? From a young age we tend to associate it with many emotions, rightly or wrongly.

molly yes I totally understand that it annoys him. It's the fact that he feels it is okay to have a go at me about it, which I have an issue with. If I thought about it there are probably things that irritate me that he does, but nothing that's any of my business so I wouldn't even think to comment on it.

I like the interesting food origin conversation this thread has started :)

frequent it has crossed my mind! I am quite a sensible person but we all have our childish moments I might squirt a bottle of ketchup into his cupboard by accident

I maybe worded it in a way that implied he told me he'd move in-well he literally did, while conversating 'I'll be your lodger' I could have said 'I'll think about it' or 'no, don't think that would work' etc etc but I did think it would be okay.And it has been apart from this.

custardysergeant Yes, he doesn't seem to know much about food at all really. The vegan comment did make me a bit eye-rolly in all honesty.

I am going to keep a proper eye on things now, because yes I can be a bit rubbish with boundaries, and due to everyone's bullying or abusive observations and this

He sounds clueless, arrogant and extremely tactless. I really would be itching to show him the door.

I will definitely consult MN again if I need to.
I am definitely not going to instigate encouraging him to get help! That's not my job to do.
I've not told anyone else who knows him about this yet but I guess I could do if appropriate.

I think I said upthread that I've thought autism too.

gifgif This is hilarious! Tell him that you've had the plumber round and that his lack of fibre means his stools have been blocking the pipes and he has to go as you can't afford the extensive plumbing work needed.

And has reminded me tht he has told me he cannot use the loo while I am in the house, either!Oh god.

snacksizeraisin so true! Id not be happy at that at all! On the plus side, at least he isn't stealing your food!

diverseopinions I don't understand this, sorry I think sharing with a group where you're all equal would be nicer than creeping about as a lodger and scuttling back to your bedsit with your tray of cooling food, making sure you haven't mistakenly left a notebook or pen in the owner's kitchen or lounge!

intermittendparps yes, living arrangements aren't like that.

I maybe worded it in a way that implied he told me he'd move in-well he literally did, while conversating 'I'll be your lodger' I could have said 'I'll think about it' or 'no, don't think that would work' etc etc but I did think it would be okay.And it has been apart from this.

It's not overly surprising that you were caught out by it, but it does say a lot about him. He didn't ask, or discuss it with you - he told you he'd be moving into your home.

He's then taken to trying to control what and where you eat. That's a massive control thing to do. Imagine one of your friends telling you about her partner speaking to her like that? And he's not even your partner, he's your lodger.

And has reminded me tht he has told me he cannot use the loo while I am in the house, either!Oh god.

How did that come about?

Was he suggesting that you go out so he could use the bathroom without you around?

I didn't know until I read about it on MN that lodgers until normal arrangements, the default position, should use their room and the kitchen only and not leave any belongings of theirs in the kitchen.

That is only what you've read on MN, not necessarily the default for everyone. It certainly isn't how my household (DP, me and lodger) works, or how anyone of my acquaintance with with a lodger works.

You aren't the lodger, he is. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable in your own home, so what if you didn't wash up before you ate? He needs to be moving on. Is the rent he pays you worth the hassle?

If you are recovering from an ED and have someone slating your perfectly normal food then he needs to leave I think.

He seems to have eating issues of his own if he can't put a ready made pie next to some hummus in a fridge.

@IntermittentParps

I didn't know until I read about it on MN that lodgers until normal arrangements, the default position, should use their room and the kitchen only and not leave any belongings of theirs in the kitchen.

That is only what you've read on MN, not necessarily the default for everyone. It certainly isn't how my household (DP, me and lodger) works, or how anyone of my acquaintance with with a lodger works.

Why not just call them a flat - or house - mate then?

‘Lodging’ isn’t a thing here, so I’m not really clear on the difference.

this sounds a bit creepy to me, like one of those american films that start quite ordinary, and then become more and more odd. where the friend/ asst/ lodger gradually takes over.
as if he is trying to edge you out of your own house; don't cook smelly food, don't eat it there, don't leave plates, don't let your food items touch, contaminate mine, don't sit eating in the other room, don't be in the house as i need you gone to use the bathroom. what next, you sleep noisily, don't do it.
this is not a normal or healthy dynamic.
it doesn't matter why he is like this, whether deliberate or not.
it is not good for you.
please. look after your self.

this sounds a bit creepy to me, like one of those american films that start quite ordinary, and then become more and more odd. where the friend/ asst/ lodger gradually takes over.

Eventually you will one day come home and find him in a living room masturbating to Boris's picture while moaning "taake back control". He gets spooked and throws eviction notice at you. You point out it's your house. He will just keep repeating how he is taking back control. In the end the neighbour hears the comotion and comes to check what's up because you left front door open and finds you holding a bowl of hummus as a self defence weapon and with that backing him up upstairs so you can lock him in a room while you call the police😂