How to deal with in laws who don’t appreciate the seriousness of racism

[StrugglingAndConfused]

Hi everyone,

This is something that’s been hanging over me for a while and I thought I could do with the opinion of people who understand family dynamics.

I married my husband a couple of months ago. Should have had a wedding in June but we cancelled because of corona so went ahead with a micro wedding after I found out I’m pregnant. I’m now 20+4.

I come from a Middle Eastern background and am Muslim. DH is white. For around a year we were told that DSIL’s husband (ie DH’s sister’s husband) won’t be coming to the wedding because he has depression and can’t deal with big crowds. At the start of this year DSIL admitted to DH that was actually a cover story. The reality is her husband won’t be coming because he’s against our relationship. He thinks DH shouldn’t be marrying me. Essentially, he has an issue with our relationship. It’s not clear if it’s because I’m Muslim or Arab (or both) but either way he has an issue with my background and who I am and was boycotting the wedding (yes, seriously).

In hindsight during the handful of times I’d met him before he was never friendly with me, but I assumed that was his personality and never questioned it. DH noticed it too but didn’t think much of it either.

After all this came to light, DH told DSIL that he will never put me in the same room as her husband again, and if he does boycott the wedding then his relationship with him is over. He very much had my back.

Corona happened and wedding was cancelled. We eventually decided to have the micro wedding. DH’s parents tried to persuade DH to invite his BIL and DH made it clear that he is invited by virtue of being married to his sister, but he’s not going to expressly call him and invite him.

DH’s two year old nephew (DSIL’s son) was meant to be a page boy but about 3 weeks before the wedding DSIL called DH to tell him her husband is not letting their son come to the wedding (in hindsight, it was for the best - she was able to enjoy the day without looking after a toddler).

One issue that happened in the run up to the wedding is the MIL was very vague about whether or not she invited her brother (DH’s uncle) to the wedding. She kept saying she did but played dumb as to whether her email reached her brother. Finally, when numbers were increased which meant we could have more people, she said “now I can invite my brother”. Both DH and I noticed that and to me, that implied she never actually invited him. After the wedding, we were staying at MIL and FIL’s house whilst they were away and I came across a note they had written. I was looking for a pen (genuinely!) and saw a piece of paper with their thoughts on the wedding guest list. As numbers were very limited, it said that DH and I should personally invite DSIL’s husband, and he can take the place or MIL’s brother. Essentially, they decided that we should go out of our view to make DSIL’s husband feel welcome, at the expense of having her own brother at our wedding, who we really wanted there. We should have invited him ourselves tbh and that’s where we went wrong. I told DH I found this note a couple of weeks later and he essentially didn’t believe me. He kept saying “my mum wouldn’t lie to me”. Being honest, that hurt - he essentially thought I was lying. I’ve not brought it up since.

My issue now is that I am genuinely struggling with the lack of support from my in laws over the racism and islamophobia that is targeted at me. They know we never intend to see DSIL’s husband again, but I’m struggling with their lack of outrage. DSIL has never said anything to me at all about her husband, so I find it so awkward that we’ve had to meet her outside in parks and she’s never once said “sorry about my husband”, or even acknowledged it to me. In fact, she told DH her husband has his reasons for his views, as though she was justifying it.

With MIL and FIL, they also made excuses for him. “Oh his business failed so his head isn’t in the right place”, and so on. When we were told the news about DH’s nephew not being able to come, we were with them. I actually cried and had to excuse myself and when I came back in the room, there was no sense of outrage or disgust at his behaviour. Or even, “I’m sorry you’re upset”. They didn’t acknowledge it.

And that’s what I’m struggling with. DH says his parents are in their 70s and never really knew or mixed with anyone who wasn’t white, so they don’t appreciate how much racism gets to me and hurts me. But to me, failing to speak out against it is allowing it to happen and is the same as being complicit. I just feel no one has ever said to DSIL’s husband “this is not ok and you should be disgusted and ashamed”. They talk about him around me like he’s part of the family, which I know he is, but it’s like they don’t care. I know their priority will always be their son and daughter, so my hurt will matter less to them, but I’ve lost so much respect for them over this. DH will be devastated if he knows this because otherwise, his parents are lovely and go out of their way to make me feel welcome.

But once I lose respect or don’t like someone, I can’t hide it. If you’ve upset me or hurt me, I can’t be fake nice to your face. As much as I try to be normal, I come across cold and distant and that the most I can do if I try hard! DH is upset that this is potentially causing a rift between me and his parents and sister, but I just don’t know what to do.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to write an essay!!

I wouldn't want him at my wedding either.

I think you are reading way, way too much into the note, and you are reading things into the situation that may not be there. It seems to me equally possible that your parents in law are appalled and deeply distressed by the whole thing but think the least hurtful thing for you is to pretend it isn't happening or to not signify his awful conduct by even mentioning it.

And I feel awful for your SIL, in a marriage with a racist jerk. She obviously has no problem with it, since you see her, she came to the wedding, etc. Her husband may be a controlling jerk, may be emotionally abusive (or worse), you just don't know. Your PIL may be worried he'll try to cut off contact for SIL with them if they call him out. You just don't know.

I'd judge them by their behaviour to you. Are they kind, welcoming, include you in family event, etc? If so, take them at their word. If you have a good relationship with them, perhaps you do want to try and sit down and calmly discuss it, but what do you want them to do? Frankly, if I was you PIL, I'd be much more worried about my daughter being stuck in a marriage to an awful man than my new DIL who has married my lovely son and has been welcomed by the whole family except awful son in law.

I disagree that you're reading too much into this. They absolutely should be outraged and their age is no excuse. Fuck em, keep your distance. They sound pretty cold anyway.

I'm sorry. This is one issue over which one has to pick a side and it should have been yours.

I wonder, given that your BiL had the say on his son going to your wedding, whether they are trying to avoid confrontation due to their existing grandson. Because he is clearly an arsehole.

It's not something I could stay quiet on when expecting my own - do they wish to contribute to the acceptance of racism given they are going to be grandparents of a child who may experience it in their life?

It’s a dysfunctional family. Dysfunctional families will bend themselves completely out of shape to avoid confronting difficult issues, or truths. They know X has unacceptable, bigoted views but they are too conflict averse, or their loyalties are too split, to deal with it appropriately.

This leaves you with some difficult choices to make. IMO you can handle dysfunctional dynamics as long as your OH is as clear eyed about it as you are. You need to talk to him.

I would not be seeing any of them. And neither would my dc be around any of them. After all your dc is 50% you...

I'd judge them by their behaviour to you. Are they kind, welcoming, include you in family event, etc?

On being told the pageboy wasn't allowed to come because of the OP's background, the OP cried, and they said nothing. No comforting words, nothing at all. That's terrible.

I think they're obviously embarrassed, and know he's a racist but are in an impossible position. They probably naively want to play happy families, and don't want to cause upset for their daughter if they openly side with your DH. You also don't know what they've been saying to stick up for you (or not).

Having said that, your BIL has at least done the gracious thing and pretended to like you when he doesn't. Also, your DH has got your back and that's all you can realistically expect.

Your SIL definitely has a DH problem. but it's her problem, not yours.

Concentrate on building a good relationship with your P ILs if you feel valued and respected. Definitely turn up to family occasions as normal. If he doesn't like you he can stay away.

Also completely disagree that you are reading too much into it and find particularly laughable the idea that they are ignoring racism ‘to make it easier for you’.

It sounds like it’s easier for them if everyone plays happy families and they probably see this as you having to get along with people you don’t particularly like at family occasions. It’s not the same and your husband needs to have your back on this.

SIL husband sounds horrible.

I think you should take some comfort in the fact your PIL have, from what you've written, brought up their children to not be racist... I therefore don't think they are... They may not fully understand how you feel and perhaps not stick up for you as much as you like... But fundamentally I think they just want everyone to be happy/get on and try to fix things.

Dont let them trying not to cut off their daughters husband cut off their relationship with their sons wife ie you. Him and you are equally positioned. They may be privately horrified but feel they shouldn't talk out of turn. Do not let him win.... They see him for what he is... Try to put it aside, avoid this man and enjoy your pregnancy and your PIL

I would be concerned about how he brings his son up to think and behave in the future. What a horrible man to think that some humans have less value than other humans. I am closely related to racist people by marriage and it causes no end of friction. It is something I will not tolerate and my kids are brought up the same way. This does not stop the racist relatives attempting to influence my family with their horrible opinions, even telling my children that I am “too young to know what I am talking about”. (48, and have lived in several different countries and cultures - she hasn’t.)

Wow there is some serious minimising on this thread!

They pressurised her to invite someone racist to her wedding when she had made it clear he wasn’t invited - they chose the racist over the victim of racism, bearing in mind there was no reason for them to keep doing this as he’d already said he wouldn’t go!

They ignored her being upset at racism

They just want everyone to be happy? Clearly don’t care at all about how the OP feels

My advice is to wait. You are married to this man and carrying his child nothing is to be gained by being hasty. Start with the two of you, build your relationship and make ready for your child. These people have no power over you and yours. They are bit parts in your story.

I’m also agog at some of the minimising on this thread. I wonder if people would tell she was reading too much into the note if she was black. And no way would the DSIS have said her has his reasons’ if OP wasn’t Muslim.

OP, they all sound horrible to be honest. Racist and racist enablers. The fact that your DH didn’t believe you doesn’t bode well.

@StrugglingAndConfused I’m so sorry your experiencing this and no, it’s not acceptable. It sounds like your PiL are doing everything they can to avoid confrontation and discord in the family, and not realising this is leading to condoning racism.
Would you be able to talk to your DH starting from a point of understanding your PiL are kind and good people who have welcomed you into their family (if they have). Then go on to talk about if these behaviours are accepted now, what will be the acceptable limits for the future? How will it work once you have children?
I’m so sorry and am sending you huge hugs x

Similarly baffled at the minimising. You have been treated appallingly, and your DSIL DH is obviously a racist, and so is she by her complicity in his behaviour.

You are totally entitled and justified in your feelings.

I am sorry you have experienced this. Your in laws obviously feel like they 'don't want to take sides' between siblings. To a certain extent I feel for them because of their age, and they come from a more ignorant time.

But your husband should be on your side.

Get it out in the open sooner rather than later, while emotions are fresh. You won't be seen as reasonable if you bring it up in 5 years time! Do it now.

Again, so sorry for how you've been treated.

I totally agree @catmg . Show you’re feeling hurt, OP, don’t play their game.

Your feelings are completely valid OP. I do think these situations are complicated. Racism should never be accepted or tolerated but in this instance it is mired in family politics. My grandparents refused to go to their sons wedding because they disapproved of the union on a religious basis and it did cause hurt and problems throughout the family for a long time but by our generation it wasn’t even considered. My parents did go to the wedding and were supportive of the union but as to whether they would have called grandparents out on it directly, I doubt it. What I’m trying to say is it is likely that there is outrage in different levels but some families struggle with that level of communication. As to what you can do, your feelings of outrage to all involved are completely valid and however you react is reasonable. I would speak to you partner to make sure he understands the depth of this and it’s impact. He’s right it may cause a family rift but that is not your doing and it is not your problem to resolve. Hopefully the next generation will not experience these things and these views will just be alien to them.

Grim. I am mixed race from the days when marriage between different races was the kind of thing that sent a lot of white people into a complete meltdown. My dad was white.

I console myself that hopefully one day all racist people will be dead.

So my only advice to you is to buckle up for the ride. It's impossible to completely avoid racists and racism/Islamaphobia. Stupid ignorant arseholes, all of them. Rise above it and don't bother with any of them unless you absolutely have to. And then give them a big lump of Grey Rock. (You can look up grey rock technique if you don't know about it.)

Wishing you every happiness in your married life. Remember you married HIM, not his dickhead family members. Take the high ground and stay there.

They're an absolute bunch of arseholes, OP. Perhaps your PIL are 'just' too weak to stand up to BIL for some reason and not racist themselves, however I'd lose an enormous amount of respect for anyone who could stand by and allow someone to be so rude, small minded and hurtful to somebody - for any reason, let alone another family member. I'd be distancing myself from the lot of them - they are not nice or decent people. Whether you say anything is completely up to you and whether you think it will make you feel better or potentially worse if they don't get it or expect you to just put up with it. You are certainly within your rights to speak up and if there's fallout, that's not your doing, that's on your vile pig of a BIL.

I hope you're enjoying your pregnancy and these idiots aren't undermining your happiness too much.

I console myself that hopefully one day all racist people will be dead

I think like this too, but the problem is her husband's BIL is already passing his racism on to his son 😕

You should speak to your husband, he hasn't experienced it so is naïve to how demoralising it is, you must explain how this is making you feel and that you'll be reluctant to let your child have a relationship with his family due to the fact that your child will be mixed race and could potentially face the same, and under no circumstances must you let that happen

Sounds to me like they want this issue to come between you and your OH. Don’t let it, enjoy your marriage- forget about the rest of them, they don’t matter. You haven’t married them, only him and he clearly loves you from his reaction to your BIL behaviour.

I agree that the op married HIM, not his family, but if he somehow allows this treatment of his wife, then the op has a Dh problem

He needs to get this and FAST.

Sadly I've seen this all happen before. I come from a working class community where interracial marriages were often not accepted by parts of the white person's family. Families like this will not confront racist members and will just try and pretend that it isn't happening. This just emboldens the racist behaviour further. At one wedding a drunken uncle action racially abused the bride's sister in the middle of the reception.

Remember, there is absolutely no reason for you to have to be in situations that upset you and be around people who you feel are prejudiced against you. I'd be explaining that to DH and that if his family want to be part of their new grandchild's life they need to stop being apologists for a racist.