How to deal with in laws who don’t appreciate the seriousness of racism

[StrugglingAndConfused]

Hi everyone,

This is something that’s been hanging over me for a while and I thought I could do with the opinion of people who understand family dynamics.

I married my husband a couple of months ago. Should have had a wedding in June but we cancelled because of corona so went ahead with a micro wedding after I found out I’m pregnant. I’m now 20+4.

I come from a Middle Eastern background and am Muslim. DH is white. For around a year we were told that DSIL’s husband (ie DH’s sister’s husband) won’t be coming to the wedding because he has depression and can’t deal with big crowds. At the start of this year DSIL admitted to DH that was actually a cover story. The reality is her husband won’t be coming because he’s against our relationship. He thinks DH shouldn’t be marrying me. Essentially, he has an issue with our relationship. It’s not clear if it’s because I’m Muslim or Arab (or both) but either way he has an issue with my background and who I am and was boycotting the wedding (yes, seriously).

In hindsight during the handful of times I’d met him before he was never friendly with me, but I assumed that was his personality and never questioned it. DH noticed it too but didn’t think much of it either.

After all this came to light, DH told DSIL that he will never put me in the same room as her husband again, and if he does boycott the wedding then his relationship with him is over. He very much had my back.

Corona happened and wedding was cancelled. We eventually decided to have the micro wedding. DH’s parents tried to persuade DH to invite his BIL and DH made it clear that he is invited by virtue of being married to his sister, but he’s not going to expressly call him and invite him.

DH’s two year old nephew (DSIL’s son) was meant to be a page boy but about 3 weeks before the wedding DSIL called DH to tell him her husband is not letting their son come to the wedding (in hindsight, it was for the best - she was able to enjoy the day without looking after a toddler).

One issue that happened in the run up to the wedding is the MIL was very vague about whether or not she invited her brother (DH’s uncle) to the wedding. She kept saying she did but played dumb as to whether her email reached her brother. Finally, when numbers were increased which meant we could have more people, she said “now I can invite my brother”. Both DH and I noticed that and to me, that implied she never actually invited him. After the wedding, we were staying at MIL and FIL’s house whilst they were away and I came across a note they had written. I was looking for a pen (genuinely!) and saw a piece of paper with their thoughts on the wedding guest list. As numbers were very limited, it said that DH and I should personally invite DSIL’s husband, and he can take the place or MIL’s brother. Essentially, they decided that we should go out of our view to make DSIL’s husband feel welcome, at the expense of having her own brother at our wedding, who we really wanted there. We should have invited him ourselves tbh and that’s where we went wrong. I told DH I found this note a couple of weeks later and he essentially didn’t believe me. He kept saying “my mum wouldn’t lie to me”. Being honest, that hurt - he essentially thought I was lying. I’ve not brought it up since.

My issue now is that I am genuinely struggling with the lack of support from my in laws over the racism and islamophobia that is targeted at me. They know we never intend to see DSIL’s husband again, but I’m struggling with their lack of outrage. DSIL has never said anything to me at all about her husband, so I find it so awkward that we’ve had to meet her outside in parks and she’s never once said “sorry about my husband”, or even acknowledged it to me. In fact, she told DH her husband has his reasons for his views, as though she was justifying it.

With MIL and FIL, they also made excuses for him. “Oh his business failed so his head isn’t in the right place”, and so on. When we were told the news about DH’s nephew not being able to come, we were with them. I actually cried and had to excuse myself and when I came back in the room, there was no sense of outrage or disgust at his behaviour. Or even, “I’m sorry you’re upset”. They didn’t acknowledge it.

And that’s what I’m struggling with. DH says his parents are in their 70s and never really knew or mixed with anyone who wasn’t white, so they don’t appreciate how much racism gets to me and hurts me. But to me, failing to speak out against it is allowing it to happen and is the same as being complicit. I just feel no one has ever said to DSIL’s husband “this is not ok and you should be disgusted and ashamed”. They talk about him around me like he’s part of the family, which I know he is, but it’s like they don’t care. I know their priority will always be their son and daughter, so my hurt will matter less to them, but I’ve lost so much respect for them over this. DH will be devastated if he knows this because otherwise, his parents are lovely and go out of their way to make me feel welcome.

But once I lose respect or don’t like someone, I can’t hide it. If you’ve upset me or hurt me, I can’t be fake nice to your face. As much as I try to be normal, I come across cold and distant and that the most I can do if I try hard! DH is upset that this is potentially causing a rift between me and his parents and sister, but I just don’t know what to do.

@Trisolaris

I interpreted the OP differently to you. I have just re-read it again and I’m not sure....

“The reality is her husband won’t be coming because he’s against our relationship. He thinks DH shouldn’t be marrying me. Essentially, he has an issue with our relationship. It’s not clear if it’s because I’m Muslim or Arab (or both) but either way he has an issue with my background and who I am and was boycotting the wedding (yes, seriously).”

The “it’s not clear if it’s because....” implied to me that this was assumption not fact. If this is not the case I have obviously read it wrongly.

I find this “minimising” term a bit overused. I would prefer to say don’t over react without actual facts. And that “maximising” does not help either.

I find this “minimising” term a bit overused. I would prefer to say don’t over react without actual facts. And that “maximising” does not help either.

Yes. The response needs to be proportionate. Going full on nuclear with the otherwise pleasant and welcoming PILs seems unnecessary when it's possible to actually have a conversation about this.

Again, it's the son in law who's really obnoxious. It seems like the anger with him is being projected on to the wrong people.

@saraclara

I find this “minimising” term a bit overused. I would prefer to say don’t over react without actual facts. And that “maximising” does not help either.

Yes. The response needs to be proportionate. Going full on nuclear with the otherwise pleasant and welcoming PILs seems unnecessary when it's possible to actually have a conversation about this.

Again, it's the son in law who's really obnoxious. It seems like the anger with him is being projected on to the wrong people.

Ops response is proportionate though. She feels she is being cold and distant because she feels hurt by them ignoring her upset at racist treatment. She isn’t stopping her husband seeing his family, she didn’t disinvite his parents or sister from the wedding. She just finds it hard to feel warm and loving to people who expect her to go out of her way to make overtures to a horrible man.

This is not maximising, you are allowed to feel hurt when people are ok with you being treated badly.

@dontdisturbmenow nice victim blaming there

Did you miss the part where SIL acknowledged her husband is racist but said he has his bullshit reasons?

Well said @Trisolaris

“This is not maximising, you are allowed to feel hurt when people are ok with you being treated badly”

Absolutely, it is definitely ok to feel hurt if you have been treated badly...

I bet most of us who have MILs can relate to feeling like this for a range of different reasons. I certainly can. It’s a tricky relationship at the best of times as they’re never going to side with their child over you.

Ultimately you are carrying their grandchild who will also be an Arab may be a Muslim. You will build the family for your child and they will either step in time or not. Be confident. Your husbands family sound less than ideal but he can’t control them and you both need to think about what you want for your family going forward.

Mmm, I put YABU but I don't think for a moment that your BiL isn't racist. I think your sister is lumbered with a racist and not just that, but he seems to be a controlling DH too. If I had to put money on it, I'd say your mil is minimising his behaviour because she risks jeopardising her relationship with her dd if she doesn't pander to his ego.

So, to this extent, I don't think your pil are necessarily myopic when it comes to the seriousness of this situation.

Sorry, your dh's sis.

Hi everyone,

Sorry for not responding sooner - I have read each and every comment as and when they came through and wanted to think about it before responding. Thank you so much for your help.

There are a couple of comments that have questioned me or my relationship because of my faith - I'm not going to justify those comments with a response.

Other comments say I'm the one making this about race. Sorry, I thought my post was clear but perhaps I should have been clearer. This is definitely about race and / or religion. When I said " It’s not clear if it’s..." , I meant I don't know if his issue is race or religion, or both, but my sister in law has confirmed that his issue is about me and who I am. He believes DH shouldn't have married me and should be marrying someone of his own kind (hence why I don't know if his issue is because I'm a Muslim or if it's because I'm Arab, i.e. if I was Arab and Christian, would he have such an issue? If he against Muslims? Is he against Arabs? Is he against anyone not white? I just don't know, hence my uncertainty). Sister in law knows, but she won't elaborate as she won't go into detail with DH (and I suspect MIL knows too as she always knows everything but doesn't say anything). But there is no question about it being race / religion related. This has been confirmed to DH by both his sister and his parents.

My sister in law told DH her husband his reasons for his views. As a PP said, would it be acceptable to say that if my only difference was I'm black. That comment really stood out to me and made a valid point.

I also have spoken to PIL about this. We had two lengthy conversations about it, after I brought it up. During both those conversations, they kept making excuses for him but never once expressed disappointment at him - during both those conversations, they just went on and on about how he used to help them a lot with the house, DIY, etc. but recently he hasn't, that his business failed and he seems to have become difficult ever since, and so on. They also told me they have spoken to him and told him that their view is as long as their son is happy, then that's all that matters. His response was "well that's your view". They never once said to me "yeah, it sucks" or "Yeah, that's not ok". They just don't acknowledge the seriousness of it, that's my issue. Although DH has said his parents have told him to stress to me they don't share the same views (again, further confirmation it's race / religion related).

For context, they're very middle class and live in a village in Scotland.

I don't intend to go no contact or anything, I think I just struggle with how they downplay it. That they have never acknowledged it or said to me "I'm sorry this is happening". I'm not expecting them to cut out SIL or anything like that. I think all I really wanted is some acknowledgement about it, and not talk about him in front of me like everything is normal. They often go "oh BIL this" and "BIL that" and I just don't want to hear his name.

I am wary of my SIL. I know a few people said she is stuck being married to him, but I can't shake the feeling that she somehow paved the way to him being so vocal about his opinions. At the very very beginning of our relationship, when DH told SIL he was dating me and told her I'm Arab and Muslim, she apparently raised some eyebrows at that. DH has forgotten about that and to be fair she has always been kind and welcoming to me and has never once been the slightest bit unkind, but my gut says that she shared some doubts with her husband, which essentially emboldened him to take it even further with his views. But all this is speculation at the end of the day.

I guess ultimately, as others pointed out, being in an interracial, interfaith relationship, was always going to have its issues with other people, I just never expected it quite so close to home. The advice that I think I'll take away from this is focus on DH and myself and our baby, and try my best to not let his family get to me. As I mentioned, I wear my feelings on my face, so if I slightly dislike or lose respect for someone, it becomes very obvious, so I need to be conscious of that.

Thank you so much everyone. I really really appreciate the time you've taken to comment. The views and comments shared have been helpful, even if it has been to agree that this sucks and not fair on me!

x

Thanks for the update OP. This stood out because I thought you hadn't spoken to them yet - and because its completely unacceptable.

"I also have spoken to PIL about this. We had two lengthy conversations about it, after I brought it up. During both those conversations, they kept making excuses for him but never once expressed disappointment at him - during both those conversations, they just went on and on about how he used to help them a lot with the house, DIY, etc. but recently he hasn't, that his business failed and he seems to have become difficult ever since, and so on. They also told me they have spoken to him and told him that their view is as long as their son is happy, then that's all that matters. His response was "well that's your view". They never once said to me "yeah, it sucks" or "Yeah, that's not ok". They just don't acknowledge the seriousness of it, that's my issue. "

Thats a hell no for me. Like I give a F if he helped them renovate- he's a racist! They should have taken a stand and told you, not your DH, they do not agree with such views in YOUR family, they love/accept you and that sure they will keep things civil with him because of SIL but not the same anymore due to such backwards and hateful views. And made the same clear to him. As if losing your business is an excuse for racism?! How dare they act like nothing and talk about him in front of you, and then claim they dont agree with his views when he is not around to hear it? By doing nothing they've taken his side.

And yes, SIL wouldnt have married a racist if she didnt somewhat agree with such views. She raised eyebrows when DP told her about you because her true opinion came out. She can pretend to be nice but dont trust her for one second, especially not with DC.

You do whats right for you, but if it were me I would not lose any further energy and time discussing this with them and just stay away. DP can see them on his own and unless someone else other than PIL and SIL is getting married, has a birthday etc (for example uncle), then I would go to the family function and be civil to PIL and SIL but keep out their way. Thats it. I would not bother having dinners etc with people that dont have my back and judge because of race and religion, its disgusting.

Sorry you've had to go through this OP, you deserve better. I hope DP has your back.

They're trying to make excuses for him. That's not on.

Unfortunately this is how racism is. None is going to be outwardly racist to you but there will be raised eyebrows and side eyes once your back is turned. I'm often if the thinking that it's the tip of the iceberg.

I initially thought that have been put in a difficult situation but after they've been trying to appeal to your better nature to excuse his blatantly racist behaviour, I agree that by not acknowledging or showing some sympathy for your situation, they are almost permitting his attitude, which is downright wrong. I'd go as far as to say they are as bad as him. Turning a blind eye to racism is a big cause of how it is perpetuates. They are indirectly enabling him.

Don't try and overcompensate by being nice and trying to break down the stereotypes, it's their problem, not yours.

In my DH's family I fight my own battles, so I'd make it clear that you are not happy that they are making excuses for him.

I wouldn't want anything to do with any of them. How awful. They're just as bad as him in my opinion.

Your PIL have made it clear to your DH that they do not share the obnoxious views of your BIL. They have also been kind and welcoming to you.

If you need them to say directly to you that they have no problem with your race or religion, then ask them - just say that, in view of the problems with BIL, you need to feel secure that they in no way share his views. They may feel that it is enough to be kind to you and to have indicated that they respect their son's choice of wife - if you need more from them (which is entirely a reasonable choice) then maybe it could be helpful to simply say that to them. Sometimes we make assumptions about what others are thinking or feeling, and sometimes we get it wrong.

You have a lot of years ahead of you with this family, so getting the record straight with your in-laws by being open about what you need to know might stand you in good stead for the future.

Bear in mind that they may not know that you need to hear this from them - only you can tell them that.

Well. First off I am disgusted at the attitude of your BIL.

However I can see the pickle the family are in.

Say they expressed their outrage- then whay? They would then have to act and follow through on it wouldn’t they, they would end up either being hypocritical by condemning him but continue to associate with him, or else have to cut him out of their lives and probably SIL as well. Outrage would result in a family rift. It would create a situation where they have to choose between you. You can’t expect them to sacrifice their relationship with their daughter.

All they can do really is to leave BIL to make his own moral choices and take responsibility for their own choices, and nobody else’s.

I understand you are upset, I share your disgust, but you can’t expect a family to willingly tear themselves apart over this. Be very careful that your behaviour isn’t also forcing your DH to choose between you and his family.

It’s all very well expecting others to take up arms for you but where will it get you in the end? Is it going to make your BIL less racist? Sadly I doubt it.

There's a certain class of people who are terrified that the actions of their forebears are coming back to bite them on the bum demographically. I wouldn't mind betting he is of that class.

When there’s conflict between two family members and one is acting very badly or has abhorrent views, it is very common for other family members to side with the person they are closest to and not necessarily the person they think has been wronged. The mention of what he’s done for them in the past is very telling. It’s totally irrelevant to how he’s treating you OP and all about how he treats them which is clearly their priority. The fact they keep making excuses, are in denial and will not acknowledge what he is doing is wrong and should not be tolerated. If someone married one of my children and acted that way towards the other child’s partner I would not idly sit by and condone it. Your in laws may not be ‘bad people’ but they don’t have your best interests at heart. I’d keep my distance from all of them.

“Say they expressed their outrage- then whay? They would then have to act and follow through on it wouldn’t they, they would end up either being hypocritical by condemning him but continue to associate with him, or else have to cut him out of their lives and probably SIL as well. Outrage would result in a family rift. It would create a situation where they have to choose between you. You can’t expect them to sacrifice their relationship with their daughter.”

I disagree. It’s already causing a situation where they have to choose and they’ve clearly chose him. They should be telling him he’s not welcome in their home and they won’t be visiting his if he’s unwilling to accept a new family member because of his racist views. He’s causing the rift in the family, not her. If their daughter is unhappy with that then she should be told to direct her anger towards her husband. All the anger should be getting directed at him instead of the rest of the family getting resentful with one another.

By the way, it's not necessarily racism. I had a similar reaction from a not at serious 'boyfriend's' family (particularly his mum and one of his five sisters) when I was in high school due to my ethnic background which is from exactly the same islands that theirs was from. Although to be fair, it was my community that was deemed terrorists and subject to checks etc back then. pin.it/4JTi3ig Some people just think that their shit smells sweeter than everyone else's.

Oh dear @StrugglingAndConfused more gaslighting! Many see you as in the wrong, how dare you flag this up, causing a rift between the rural boomers and the poor unemployed BIL, he is soooo down in the dumps sweetheart, it isn’t right for you to cause family problems. And so close to Xmas too!
You will be called uppity next, who do you think you are! This isn’t racism, BIL is entitled to his opinion and he doesn’t have to like you. (This is a reverse btw)..

By the same logic, he also doesn’t have to like your children, and, since people follow patterns, your PILs may have to choose between your kids and SILs. Guess who they will choose, at Xmas, on birthdays, for holidays, for love, favouritism, school and Uni fees etc.
Do your family a favour and set clear boundaries now. It is much harder to backtrack.

I think an acknowledgment instead of pretending it's not happened instead of unreasonable. Something along the lines that they're disappointed that their son in law hasn't been as welcoming as they are. While they might be in a predicament, they should acknowledge it

Equally, OP you or your DH can mention it. Just bring it up that you yourselves are upset at how your BIL's views/behaviour has been.

Calling out racism is so important. It doesn't have to be confrontational, just acknowledged for what it is.

The passive aggression is problem here too.

The Pil have confirmed they don’t share your bil’s views, and you’ve said they treat you well, so I think it’s unfair to drag them into the situation just because by default they’re related to BIL. Some people just don’t want to be confrontational and if confronted it could potentially cause huge rifts between the entire family. Your BIL sounds obnoxious but it’s not the place of your pil to direct him as to what he should say and do. It’s not their responsibility.

I call bullshit on these horrible comments claiming "Im not racist BUT OP should accept being treated like shit. I mean what does OP expect, that people actually call out the racist instead of standing with him? That's crazy OP! Let's just all get along, accept your low place on the hierarchy because I dont want to give up my white privilege. "

My guess it's from white people who say they're not racist because they give to some kids in Africa charity or have an Eastern European acquaintance (ie foreign but still white.. and only accepted if they work under you and do your shit jobs, or if you have to choose between someone polish and someone darker), but then is full of prejudice and only hang out with other white people.

No Karen, having a Starbucks with your black colleague doesn't mean you're not racist/prejudist....