How to deal with in laws who don’t appreciate the seriousness of racism

[StrugglingAndConfused]

Hi everyone,

This is something that’s been hanging over me for a while and I thought I could do with the opinion of people who understand family dynamics.

I married my husband a couple of months ago. Should have had a wedding in June but we cancelled because of corona so went ahead with a micro wedding after I found out I’m pregnant. I’m now 20+4.

I come from a Middle Eastern background and am Muslim. DH is white. For around a year we were told that DSIL’s husband (ie DH’s sister’s husband) won’t be coming to the wedding because he has depression and can’t deal with big crowds. At the start of this year DSIL admitted to DH that was actually a cover story. The reality is her husband won’t be coming because he’s against our relationship. He thinks DH shouldn’t be marrying me. Essentially, he has an issue with our relationship. It’s not clear if it’s because I’m Muslim or Arab (or both) but either way he has an issue with my background and who I am and was boycotting the wedding (yes, seriously).

In hindsight during the handful of times I’d met him before he was never friendly with me, but I assumed that was his personality and never questioned it. DH noticed it too but didn’t think much of it either.

After all this came to light, DH told DSIL that he will never put me in the same room as her husband again, and if he does boycott the wedding then his relationship with him is over. He very much had my back.

Corona happened and wedding was cancelled. We eventually decided to have the micro wedding. DH’s parents tried to persuade DH to invite his BIL and DH made it clear that he is invited by virtue of being married to his sister, but he’s not going to expressly call him and invite him.

DH’s two year old nephew (DSIL’s son) was meant to be a page boy but about 3 weeks before the wedding DSIL called DH to tell him her husband is not letting their son come to the wedding (in hindsight, it was for the best - she was able to enjoy the day without looking after a toddler).

One issue that happened in the run up to the wedding is the MIL was very vague about whether or not she invited her brother (DH’s uncle) to the wedding. She kept saying she did but played dumb as to whether her email reached her brother. Finally, when numbers were increased which meant we could have more people, she said “now I can invite my brother”. Both DH and I noticed that and to me, that implied she never actually invited him. After the wedding, we were staying at MIL and FIL’s house whilst they were away and I came across a note they had written. I was looking for a pen (genuinely!) and saw a piece of paper with their thoughts on the wedding guest list. As numbers were very limited, it said that DH and I should personally invite DSIL’s husband, and he can take the place or MIL’s brother. Essentially, they decided that we should go out of our view to make DSIL’s husband feel welcome, at the expense of having her own brother at our wedding, who we really wanted there. We should have invited him ourselves tbh and that’s where we went wrong. I told DH I found this note a couple of weeks later and he essentially didn’t believe me. He kept saying “my mum wouldn’t lie to me”. Being honest, that hurt - he essentially thought I was lying. I’ve not brought it up since.

My issue now is that I am genuinely struggling with the lack of support from my in laws over the racism and islamophobia that is targeted at me. They know we never intend to see DSIL’s husband again, but I’m struggling with their lack of outrage. DSIL has never said anything to me at all about her husband, so I find it so awkward that we’ve had to meet her outside in parks and she’s never once said “sorry about my husband”, or even acknowledged it to me. In fact, she told DH her husband has his reasons for his views, as though she was justifying it.

With MIL and FIL, they also made excuses for him. “Oh his business failed so his head isn’t in the right place”, and so on. When we were told the news about DH’s nephew not being able to come, we were with them. I actually cried and had to excuse myself and when I came back in the room, there was no sense of outrage or disgust at his behaviour. Or even, “I’m sorry you’re upset”. They didn’t acknowledge it.

And that’s what I’m struggling with. DH says his parents are in their 70s and never really knew or mixed with anyone who wasn’t white, so they don’t appreciate how much racism gets to me and hurts me. But to me, failing to speak out against it is allowing it to happen and is the same as being complicit. I just feel no one has ever said to DSIL’s husband “this is not ok and you should be disgusted and ashamed”. They talk about him around me like he’s part of the family, which I know he is, but it’s like they don’t care. I know their priority will always be their son and daughter, so my hurt will matter less to them, but I’ve lost so much respect for them over this. DH will be devastated if he knows this because otherwise, his parents are lovely and go out of their way to make me feel welcome.

But once I lose respect or don’t like someone, I can’t hide it. If you’ve upset me or hurt me, I can’t be fake nice to your face. As much as I try to be normal, I come across cold and distant and that the most I can do if I try hard! DH is upset that this is potentially causing a rift between me and his parents and sister, but I just don’t know what to do.

@prapra 💯. Very true.

Wow, how sad that this bil said he should be marrying someone of his own kind.

WE are all one kind and equal.

I'm a white Muslim and reverted almost 10 years ago and have had the most ridiculous things said to me. I've even been told I am a traitor to my own kind for marrying a black man.
And that's not even the worst thing that has been said @strugglingandconfused.
I would still maintain a relationship with your inlaws. They can't help who their daughter married. But she should run a bloody mile.

I think that you probably need to speak up quietly when they talk about BIL and say, actually the situation has hurt me deeply so I don’t want to hear about him.

Don’t accept their norm, teach them how to behave as they really don’t have a clue.

I think it is very good that your dh has your back and you are secure in your relationship. I would be kind and welcoming to the parents in law when you see them, doesn't have to be that often, that is down to you.

They are stuck between a rock and a hard place and are very unlikely to call out bil for his racist thoughts or beliefs when it could affect their relationship with their dd and existing grandchild.

Marrying between interfaith and culture was never going to be easy and you will face many challenges. Have faith in each other as a couple and develop a tougher skin. There are many people who agree with the marrying your own kind comment and they are white, black and brown and come from all faiths. Your bil is not unique in his behaviour but still an arsewhole for the way he treats you.

I totally understand your need to have nothing to do with bil but accept that sil possibly agrees and that by not challenging her dh's views neither your dh or in laws want to rock the boat. I on the other hand would not be happy to spend time with racists, have them around my children or have to play nice whilst uncomfortable but then I would not have pursued an interfaith relationship as a Muslim women. You have and you have to accept that not everyone will be happy about it. What you don't have to accept is being around people that make you feel less than, limit your time with them.

I hope you have a healthy, happy pregnancy. Try not to dwell on the negativity around bil and your pil inactive behaviour and look towards the exciting future you and your dh will have awaiting the arrival of your baby.

*arsehole

I think that you probably need to speak up quietly when they talk about BIL and say, actually the situation has hurt me deeply so I don’t want to hear about him.

That is a good idea @Bigpaintinglittlepainting.

I think what's happened is that the in-laws have just taken the easy option and that's to work around the problem

There's two sorts of people in life, those that will try and sort a problem out and those that will think it's too much effort and just make allowances and work around it

As far as the sil's dh goes, I think it's best that you just have absolutely nothing to do with him and I guess this means that at future family events either you'll attend or you won't if he's going to be there

I agree with you completely, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near somebody who had those opinions and felt that way towards me and my marriage. I can't do fake. If I've got a problem with somebody they'll know it and I can't hide it, I quite like that

I’m not sure what I would not have pursued an interfaith relationship as a Muslim women. You have and you have to accept that not everyone will be happy about it. means? Do you mean OP must recognise that racism exists? (How could she not???). Or do you mean OP has to accept that this is a fairly common situation?. In which case why? How does “well you should expect that” feed into this? I think you absolutely SHOULDN’T expect your in laws to behave in this way.

As an aside, using terms like Boomer and Karen (ascribing negative attributes to a group based on a characteristic they cannot change) comes from the same way of thinking as BIL. Sanctimony rarely changes minds

Karen was a term coined by black people in the US after abysmal treatment from white women. It's a shame that it's been hijacked by men but the reasons it was coined remain true to this day.

Just on your very last sentence, I don't think you do need to be conscious of wearing your feelings on your face. Your SIL's husband has no qualms with sharing his racist views with the whole family, so why should you pretend to like him? You're not the one causing the problem here. I wonder if it's possible to walk away when he's mentioned or change the subject. It must feel awful having to hear about it when he's treating you this way.

You says your PILs are lovely, so really they should understand a gentle "I'm really hurt by his actions and would prefer not to hear news about him."

Sorry you're having to deal with this OP, it's absolute shit

Even Wikipedia acknowledges that the origin is disputed. And why would you want to bring this, or any, pejorative from the US anyway?

Wikipedia can be edited by anyone. I haven't brought Karen from the US, nor do I use the term, but I have no problem with black people using it to describe racist behaviour, especially as there are equivalent terms for men (Chad).

Why is it a shame it has been hijacked by men? Would it be more effective in getting one section of women to STFU, as a first step to get all women to STFU.

Because black people should have a voice in challenging racist behaviour, without it being hijacked by white men, as has happened.

The difficulty you have is that you are saying you are happy to throw out racialised and gendered slurs. I personally don’t think that’s OK, but you obviously prefer to use an Ad Hominem attack rather than engaging with any of the points made. And I particularly notice your and @prapra’s attack on women trying to help the OP rather than acknowledging it is the BIL who is racist.

Er what? I've made no ad hom attacks and of course I've said BIL is racist, here my posts upthread:

nice victim blaming there hmm

Did you miss the part where SIL acknowledged her husband is racist but said he has his bullshit reasons?

I’m also agog at some of the minimising on this thread. I wonder if people would tell she was reading too much into the note if she was black. And no way would the DSIS have said her has his reasons’ if OP wasn’t Muslim.

OP, they all sound horrible to be honest. Racist and racist enablers. The fact that your DH didn’t believe you doesn’t bode well.

Show you’re feeling hurt, OP, don’t play their game.

@SonEtLumiere so you lied and said I attacked women trying to help the Op rather than acknowledging the BIL is racist, I then quoted all my posts showing I think BIL is a racist, and instead of acknowledging you lied, you say it's derailment. Truly pathetic.

Their 'game' is (as several people have said) is letting BIL get away with it and excusing it on the basis that he has his reasons to hate Muslims. It's weird that you're annoyed by the word 'game' rather than his hatred of Muslims, but hey ho.

Oh dear 😂

Encouraging silence and tiptoeing around issues like this simply enables racism and effectively say that the burden is on the victims of racism to keep the peace. They must not cause upset because of white fragility.

I despair!

Racism must always be challenged robustly. If you lose friend or family so be it. You will be on the side of what is right. Many have had to give up a quiet life to give us our freedom and voices - in wars, in protests, etc. We should not shy away from standing up for what is right just because of fear of losing a racist friend or enablers of racism. It may not be easy to be brave but we must be brave for the better future of everyone, every child. It is our responsibility.

Silence or pandering to the feelings of racists and their enablers is not on. Enough of this cr*p in society.

I can only repeat to the OP that she needs to think through very carefully what the desired outcomes are for her, so that she can be clear with the family. The dream outcome would be that this ghastly man would see the light, but that is not going to happen.

So her approach needs to be the one that will result in the happiest possible outcome: for her and her child to be welcomed into the rest of the family.

Tell them what you feel - tell them what you want for the future - ask them for reassurances about the attitude of the rest of the family to you - tell them you love their son. Give them something to work on rather than allowing this atmosphere to fester, with all the potential bad outcomes of that.

I think you need to take control of the situation in an objective way, being clear what you want. I know that is hard, but if future actions are going to be based on hurt and resentment then noting good will come of it. If they can see that you are clear about the situation and that you want to get a grip on it, then they will respect you all the more.

Don't hide away and feed your resentment - be clear with them that it hurts and that you need reassurance of your place in the family.

And be ready to understand where the family is coming from - that you realise you cannot ask them to cut their own DD out of their lives because of their pain in the butt SIL They will thank you for your understanding and will welcome your forbearance and maturity.

You need to be the bigger person here - you will gain their love and respect. They do not want to be in this situation any more than you do.

Take courage and take control - and good luck!

Is the dream outcome really that the racist BIL sees the light? Why must the onus be on her to change this man’s view.

The dream outcome is that she protects herself and her future children from this toxic nonsense.

Whether he changes or not is his issue not the OPs.

Indeed so - OP does not have to take responsibility for altering the man's mind. The onus is definitely NOT on her to do so, if only because it is an impossible task - he is what he is.

What is her responsibility is to decide what HER good outcomes are and to work towards those. A general (and indeed justified) sense of hurt is entirely understandable, but deciding the best way to deal with this needs some clear thinking. I know it is hard, but this situation could snowball into an outcome that neither she nor her OH want to happen.

It is really frustrating to read some of the enabling comments: OP, as the targeg of racist attitudes, is expected to:

• Suck it up and not destroy the happy family.

-Be the bigger person here (wtf)

• be responsible and patient and pray that BIL and the enabling family will accept her enough to be able to look at her skin colour/hear her voice and not melt into a puddle

-Be tolerant of racist attitudes, because she has to see the other sides, understand why he is racist, forgive him and be kind.

So much white fragility at work here. Victims should tiptoe, apologise for their unsettling otherness and stop annoying the family with their sheer existence, but otherwise stfu!

It isn’t just BIL who is racist. It is also SIL and PIL. Their tacit racism is a more cowardly and also more iwerful form than BILs, because the form the institutions that allow him to get away with it.

Your DH needs to have a strict word with his parents. FFS. How are they going to treat your kids if BILs feelings will come first?

@stella1know I’m assuming you don’t have adult children from your post. It isn’t up to the parents to police their son in laws behaviour or attitudes. They’ve told OP they don’t feel the same way. Presumably they don’t want to have their daughter isolated with the dick.

@StrugglingAndConfused tell them bluntly that you don’t want him mentioned in your house. He isn’t welcome there and won’t be meeting your child. Tell SIL she is welcome to come to your home with her children as long as they understand you won’t tolerate a racism around your child but that you won’t be able to see her at her house as obviously both you and your child are Arabs (assuming you want to see her). I would discuss it with dh and express your horror at the fact they honestly feel you and his child aren’t “marriageable” or the same “kind” as they are.

There will be many moments like this but I have never regretted my choice to marry my husband, with similar pressures.

It is not "enabling" to suggest that the OP thinks very clearly about what she wants the outcome of her decisions to be. There is a danger that the outcome could not be what she wants at all - so that needs to inform her actions.

If she stands on principle and says that all her OH's family must totally reject BIL and stick by her, then she will be part of a very broken family and I am sure that this is not what she wants.

Hard though it is, sometimes we have to sacrifice principles to the greater good of leading the life we wish for ourselves and our family. If there is one thing I have learned in life it is that we need to pick our battles.

The battle of making this man change his obnoxious attitudes is one that no-one is going to win; a better battle might be damage limitation and avoiding the total break-up of the family.

I hear those who throw their hands up in horror at this suggestion, but we only have one life and we cannot waste it fighting battles we will not win, if her aim is for as happy a life as possible. OP needs to make her position absolutely clear on BIL and his racist views, whilst also recognising that he is one amongst many and expressing appreciation to those members of the family who differ with him. Her PIL cannot be so bad when they have bred a decent non-racist man in the form of her OH. They may be frightened to leave their own DD out on a limb with this pillock, but that does not mean they are bad people.

AS I day - decide the outcome you want and work towards that.