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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about inheritance U turn

323 replies

TeaAndBrie · 22/11/2020 13:56

My sister had always seen by great uncle. She used to go for lunch with him and my grandad. Even as a child I never received a birthday card or anything from great uncle. No idea why.
For years my sister had said that she was in the will and that as she knew we would not inherit anything from my parents that she would give me 50% of what she received. A few years ago she had said she spoke with her husband about it and that she would give me 20% instead because they have 3 children now. Fair enough.
Great uncle died a month ago and the will has just be read.
She’s now said that she was never serious about giving me any money and that she will ‘treat me’ to a meal out.
I’ve told her I’m not interested and really upset that she lied to me for all those years.
She said she will treat my twin boys as well.
I’ve told her to keep her money. Apparently I’m being dramatic. Aibu to be genuinely hurt that she lied for so long?

OP posts:
LakieLady · 22/11/2020 15:45

I think your sister was unwise to promise to share the money with you, but not unreasonable to change her mind.

Your OP isn't clear on timescales, but if the original promise was made many years ago, the amount of the inheritance might have been much more significant in real terms. To a much younger person, it might have seemed like a huge amount, but to a parent with 2 children who will face massive debts if they want to go to uni it could now be no more than a help towards that. It might have been the sort of sum that would buy a house outright then, but is now only a 10% deposit on a flat.

People's priorities change, which is why it's unwise to make promises like this.

Fizzydrinks123 · 22/11/2020 15:47

You are unreasonable - the inheritance was left to her and the wishes of the deceased are what matters in these situations.

I don't understand why some people feel they are entitled to expect someone to share with them. weird.

Sadhoot · 22/11/2020 15:47

YANBU to feel hurt as you had this idea of a cash payout from your sister, but YABU to expect anything from a man you had nothing to do with. It's possible her husband influenced her decision, but actually, it's a juvenile promise to make. She was silly to say it and you were silly to take it seriously.

I remember my friend and I saying that if we were not married by 30 we'd get hitched - I would not be amused if he turned up on my birthday and tried to hold me accountable for things I said when I was 17!

Incidentally, I've also said I would share lottery winnings with my colleagues, the shop keeper, some friends and a neighbour. Perhaps I should call them all to clarify that I was not serious in case I ever do win the lottery Hmm

OP you need to take a deep, mature breath, and move on with your life.

sammylady37 · 22/11/2020 15:50

People who believe wills should be a fair split often attribute reasons such as spite and bitterness to the testator, when that may not be the case at all.

In my case, I am childfree and have bequeathed money to some of my nieces & nephews and nothing to others. Not because I want to cause trouble or discord, but because there are some of them with whom I have zero relationship. I never see them, have no contact with them, they’re not part of my life nor am I part of theirs. They’d probably struggle to pick me out of a line-up. So, why on earth would I leave my hard-earned money to virtual strangers? I’ll leave it to those with whom I’m close. In this case, the op admits she had no relationship with the great-uncle, admits she didn’t bother with him, yet still feels she should get her paws on his money. It’s so vulgar.

pussycatinboots · 22/11/2020 15:51

*For those saying OP sounds more upset about losing a portion of the inheritance than about the death of a family member, oh please!

First, it's her great-uncle, so I imagine he was elderly. His death won't have been a terrible shock.*

True, but then my parents were "elderly" when they died Hmm
A lot of people are.

pussycatinboots · 22/11/2020 15:53

sammylady37 I am in the same position as you.

It is so very sad that someone mourns the loss of an inheritance more than that of the relative.

Melroses · 22/11/2020 15:54

@BobbingPuffins

Send her a DVD of Sense & Sensibility for Christmas.
Yes this.

It is a shame that human behaviour so utterly typical, but then Jane Austin would never have got to write this otherwise 🤷🏻‍♀️

OneForMeToo · 22/11/2020 15:54

Sounds like this was something brought up regularly. Either op asking or ops ds mentioning. If it’s op then it comes across as grabby. Ops ds and it’s excited braggy. But this has been spoken about since before ops ds got married and had dcs.

Honestly now I have dcs anything I inherit is to benefit them. My db is a big boy and can deal with his own stuff. Sure in an emergency if help him but I wouldn’t hand over 20% plus to him just because as that’s taking it from my dcs.

Also who difference in sharing say 20k and 200k and 2mil. At a mill plus I’d prob Chuck say a house deposit value at my sibling or a house deposit value into savings for their child. However I still wouldn’t be handing over 20% plus of 1mill plus.

canigooutyet · 22/11/2020 15:57

Her inheritance could have been his house.

Wonder how many would still be saying the sis is being unreasonable for changing her mind. Grin

Wasn't there a poster who had inherited a house on the condition is wasn't sold?

CommanderBurnham · 22/11/2020 15:59

I'd be upset too, as she has broken a promise.
She's enjoyed lording it over you and assuaging her guilt in receiving it by offering you some. Now it's actually come to her, and likely her hubby has influenced, she can't part with it.

You'll have to suck it up though.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 22/11/2020 16:05

I agree with PP’s that your priorities change massively once you have children- but it would’ve been better if your sister hadn’t mentioned splitting the money with you ( and she did it more than once), that was daft.

Different scenario, but my child free SIL and her DH have suggested a few financial partnerships to DH and I, things like buying a holiday home together to rent out. We’ve always said no, because ultimately, our financial decisions revolve around our children and what suits them in the future may not suit our children down the line, IYSWIM.

Sorry this has happened, OP, but it’s best to let it go and always take your sister’s comments re. money with a pinch of salt in future.

Leaannb · 22/11/2020 16:05

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MonkeyBidness · 22/11/2020 16:05

Until the money is actually in your bank account never ever believe anyone’s promises of what they will give you if it isn’t in theirs. Money makes people extremely greedy and even greedier when they have it. She was free with the cash when she didn’t have it and now she’s keeping it because she does have it.

She’s no different to 99% of the population but it’s naive to believe the good intentions. Once people have the money, and not the expectation of it, they want to keep it and are terrified of “wasting” it - or being back to where they were pre-inheritance.

It’s not you, it’s human nature. It’s just a pity you believed she was different to most people.

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 22/11/2020 16:06

She should never have promised you any money.

Leaannb · 22/11/2020 16:06

@CommanderBurnham

I'd be upset too, as she has broken a promise. She's enjoyed lording it over you and assuaging her guilt in receiving it by offering you some. Now it's actually come to her, and likely her hubby has influenced, she can't part with it.

You'll have to suck it up though.

Or Sis didn't inherit as much as she thought she did
Velvian · 22/11/2020 16:06

Op is not unreasonable to be upset that her sister has reneged to something that she has discussed with op for many years.

Of course the money was the uncle's to what he wanted with and of course the sister has no legal obligation. I don't know why people always feel the need to post replies like that on these threads, it really annoys meGrin

Was he dsis's godfather, op? Could that be why he took her out as a child and not you?

WindblowingSW · 22/11/2020 16:11

I would tell her you don't want any and it's the lying that you object to not her inheritance.

Ideasplease322 · 22/11/2020 16:11

Your sister should never have promised to split the money,

It seems odd that your great uncle favoured her is much, and I suspect there is more to this story.

I am Childless and will leave my house and money equally amount nieces and nephews. Couldn’t imagine doing otherwise.

I could Also never Take an inheritance from a family member without ensuring equal split with my sister.

This is really odd, and your sister has handled this badly

LightDrizzle · 22/11/2020 16:11

Velvian - if you are correct, that could well explain it.

Original poster
TeaAndBrie · 22/11/2020 16:12

I genuinely don’t care about the money, it’s the fact that she looked me in the eye and said ‘I promise to look after you’ on many many occasions, including a week before he passed away.
I do not feel entitled to the money in any way, I didn’t have a relationship with him and he split his money as he wished and I respect that.
My issue is that my sister broke a long standing promise to me. The trust is the issue here for me.
She stands to inherit about £400k
Thank you for all of your opinions. Money really is an emotive subject!

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaAndBrie · 22/11/2020 16:14

Nope not godfather. I think because my sister is older she used to spend time with my grandad and Nan when she was alive. Great uncle was often there too.
They would go for lunch etc and my sister would drive them.
She’s 7 years older than me

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 22/11/2020 16:16

I rather think the issue is a. Why were you excluded in the first place and b. Circumstances change, she didn't lie, she changed her mind. You aren't entitled to the money, if you were, you would have been in the will. It's hardly her fault that was how it was written. Why on earth did this become common knowledge prior to his death anyway? Why didn't anyone say anything to this uncle?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 22/11/2020 16:16

I wouldn't bother having someone so greedy in my life. Op is not retitled to anything. Anything she would have received would have been a gift from her sister. She told her sister to shove that gift of her ass. because it wasn't enough. Op is a grabbing, cheeky fucker

@Leaannb. Yeah, but why did the sister keep saying she was going to give her a gift? That’s just silly and was bound to cause ructions when she decided not to. I have a close friend who’s had some financial challenges over the years and if I’m ever in a position to give her some money, I might do it. But I’m not mentioning it until I’m able to do it ( if ever). It’s a recipe for unpleasantness.

kursaalflyer · 22/11/2020 16:17

Taking Sense and Sensibility a tad further.
Sis, let's do a slap-up family meal at x posh hotel next week, my treat.
A few days later - sis, can't do slap-up meal, are you up for lunch at Prezzo's, just you and me?
A few days later - voucher for free Happy Meal arrives in the post.
Op checks voucher - a month out of date.

TonTonMacoute · 22/11/2020 16:18

I don't think you are being dramatic OP, and I would not be interested in the meal as a treat either.

It's an odd family situation in the first place, but at least now you know what your sister's promises are worth.

PS didn't this happen in The Archers...?