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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset about inheritance U turn

323 replies

TeaAndBrie · 22/11/2020 13:56

My sister had always seen by great uncle. She used to go for lunch with him and my grandad. Even as a child I never received a birthday card or anything from great uncle. No idea why.
For years my sister had said that she was in the will and that as she knew we would not inherit anything from my parents that she would give me 50% of what she received. A few years ago she had said she spoke with her husband about it and that she would give me 20% instead because they have 3 children now. Fair enough.
Great uncle died a month ago and the will has just be read.
She’s now said that she was never serious about giving me any money and that she will ‘treat me’ to a meal out.
I’ve told her I’m not interested and really upset that she lied to me for all those years.
She said she will treat my twin boys as well.
I’ve told her to keep her money. Apparently I’m being dramatic. Aibu to be genuinely hurt that she lied for so long?

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 23/11/2020 11:33

Honestly, It sounds like she made that promise when she was much younger and didn't realize what the pressure of 3 kids etc. would be like.
She was closer to her uncle than you and he left her something. I think its unfair to expect money from his will, ( it would have been nice if she had ) but i think it would be unfair to fall out with her over it.

D4rwin · 23/11/2020 11:42

This is why inheritance should be limited and more controlled. Where the a will there's a greedy relative. She was left the money. It's obviously come at a time where it wasn't as much as she'd got her eyes fixed on or she's built up debts in anticipation or some financial disaster looking for her. Probably better off not getting this money between you.

unmarkedbythat · 23/11/2020 11:48

She's shown you who she is and what matters to her. Yanbu. She sounds like a rather unpleasant person.

Atalune · 23/11/2020 11:52

It’s nasty of her to do this. And it makes it so difficult for you to explain as it makes you look grabby.

She reneged on a promise. Quite a significant one when she saw the £££ rolling in. This would decimate my good opinion of her.

I don’t know if there is a way back from this.

isitsummertimeyet · 23/11/2020 12:00

I think your being unreasonable, the money was never intended to goto you or you would of been in the will.

shes entitled to look after herself and her kids rather than giving it away to you so you dont feel left out..

if the shoe was on the other foot you wouldnt give your sister anything either.

Strangedayindeed · 23/11/2020 12:00

Do you think it’s your sisters husband that has said no to sharing? I agree she should have never said anything to you, but it is life changing for her and she needs to look after her family.

rattusrattus20 · 23/11/2020 12:11

Wills always bring out the worst i people.

The uncle was probably slightly U to leave everything to one niece.

The sister was probably U to promise to share the proceeds out before she'd even seen the will etc.

OP was probably U to expect to get a share based on a promise made by her sister when she was very young, had family responsibilities, etc.

The sister was U to go back on her word.

I'd really try to move on unless the money is so much that [say] sister is now absurdly comfortable for life whereas OP is on skid row.

Atalune · 23/11/2020 12:20

@isitsummertimeyet that’s quite the leap to assume the op would behave in the same way!!

timeisnotaline · 23/11/2020 12:26

if the shoe was on the other foot you wouldnt give your sister anything either.
There is not a single word in the thread to support this so unless you are actually the ops sister you should be ashamed of this really. It probably tells us much more about you than the op.

FabbyChix · 23/11/2020 12:43

Her saying being dramatic is gaslighting you and turning it on you.

ruby4ever · 23/11/2020 12:53

You aren't being U op. I feel for you. I think your sister had good intention, didn't realise it would be such a huge sum. And so was happy to split a small amount. However I don't understand why she couldn't give you a small £5k out of £400k, after all she is the one who promised to look after you, knowing full well you will get no inheritance from anywhere else.
If I was your sister I would feel really mean to tell you actually am not giving anything considering it's a huge amount. She could've given a small amount and not the 20% she said. I reckon her husband is the one who is driving all this

Mittens030869 · 23/11/2020 12:56

* Of course the money was the uncle's to what he wanted with and of course the sister has no legal obligation. I don't know why people always feel the need to post replies like that on these threads, it really annoys me*

^ This. And from what the OP has said, her DSis is the one that has kept going on about the inheritance, which makes her sound like the grasping one. Why even talk about it at all?

Jeremyironseverything · 23/11/2020 12:57

It's not the money itself, is it? It's the fact that your sister has let you down on something that you didn't even instigate. The trust has gone and you feel unvalued by her.

rattusrattus20 · 23/11/2020 12:57

I made the mistake of replying without reading OP's later posts, £400k is certainly an amount of money that'd have been capable of driving a wedge between two sisters even without a promise, the fact that the promise was made makes the fault mostly hers, unresolved this to me sounds like enough to destroy their relationship.

grapewine · 23/11/2020 13:22

She's breaking a promise that she has repeatedly made, knowing how important trust is to you. She's made herself look good all this time, and now that she knows how much money it is, she's offering you a dinner. What a slap in the face.

Fuck that, seriously. I'd tell her to shove her dinner and not bother with her at all again. I wouldn't be able to trust a word out of her mouth so why bother?

I'm sorry, OP.

YoniAndGuy · 23/11/2020 13:58

Wow, that amount!

When she has so much - and just given like that...

No matter what that money is earmarked for - it's just luck that they have it

So to have all that and not even to honour what she said to the tune of £20k, £50k - to give you nothing -

I would just not be able to carry on a relationship. I just couldn't. She wouldn't be a sister to me, she would have shown that she is NO sister to me.

Peppafrig · 23/11/2020 14:14

I guess when the money was in her bank it was too much for her to hand over knowing she could probably offer all three of her children deposits for houses.

swansongs · 23/11/2020 14:24

The idea of her giving you 50% of her inheritance, or even 20%, is unrealistic - she didn't think it through. But I agree with you it is unsisterly, uncaring and frankly selfish for her to now say she will just take you out to a meal.

If you are SURE she will ACTUALLY be pocketing £400,000 (lots of ifs) then if I were you I'd be hurt and it would sour my relationship with my sibling. Very sad. A meaningful gift - perhaps £10,000 or £20,000 - would have been appropriate.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/11/2020 14:30

It was Great Uncle's right to leave his money to whom he wished. But elder family relatives who set up this unhealthy scapegoat -v- golden child dynamic between siblings must know they are very likely going to damage the relationship between those siblings, probably permanently. And they either don't care, or it's a state of affairs they consciously bring about.

Okay so the sister is a mercenary woman who reneged on a promise no one asked her to make, but it's the Great Uncle's behaviour which was, IMO, wicked. People like him would be happy from beyond the grave if they knew how effectively their money has brought about divides in the families they've caused trouble for throughout their lives. And yes, they do know exactly what they're doing. I've seen this sort of thing before and with similar results.

And of course, that puts OP in a hell of a position, doesn't it? If this did cause divides in the family the sister can project the blame directly onto OP and say this was her choice, and just by the way, isn't she the mercenary, greedy one to whom money apparently matters more than family? You can predict her sort of protestations from a mile away, but the trouble is when it comes down to money they are pretty difficult to counter.

I just don't know how you can win this one, OP. I'm sorry you were burdened with such a pitiless, unprincipled sister and Great Uncle. But I would comfort myself with the knowledge that I wouldn't want to touch his money.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/11/2020 14:33

PS - it's perhaps a dim hope, but are you sure there is no stipulation or codicil in his Will that prohibits any of the money from passing to you? The way the sister brushed it of as 'I was never serious' probably suggests otherwise, but it might be worth checking as it would let her off the hook a little.

Atalune · 23/11/2020 14:37

I would be inclined to write her a long letter then head deliver and let her read it in your presence. Then see what she says....

But I would also be so devastated that she’d shown herself to be so so shallow.

A substantial gift of £50k seems appropriate. She could do that save face and the relationship.

Peppafrig · 23/11/2020 14:54

Can u just gift someone £50,000 though ! Will she not have to pay a lot of tax on £400,000?

canigooutyet · 23/11/2020 15:11

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/gifts-and-exemptions-from-inheritance-tax#how-much-can-i-give-to-my-children-and-family-tax-free

It really might not be as simple as the sister giving away a chunk of money to another person.

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