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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about inheritance U turn

323 replies

TeaAndBrie · 22/11/2020 13:56

My sister had always seen by great uncle. She used to go for lunch with him and my grandad. Even as a child I never received a birthday card or anything from great uncle. No idea why.
For years my sister had said that she was in the will and that as she knew we would not inherit anything from my parents that she would give me 50% of what she received. A few years ago she had said she spoke with her husband about it and that she would give me 20% instead because they have 3 children now. Fair enough.
Great uncle died a month ago and the will has just be read.
She’s now said that she was never serious about giving me any money and that she will ‘treat me’ to a meal out.
I’ve told her I’m not interested and really upset that she lied to me for all those years.
She said she will treat my twin boys as well.
I’ve told her to keep her money. Apparently I’m being dramatic. Aibu to be genuinely hurt that she lied for so long?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 23/11/2020 07:01

She should never have promised you a share of the inheritance, but you should also never have accepted her offer.
What new level of mumsnet is this? I’ve only just recovered from the perfectly normal family members should NOT help you unless in direst direst need which does not include a broken leg. This takes that and says you should break your own leg deliberately and refuse any help offers.
Please tell me if your sister said uncle left me everything, it’s £400k, shame he never got to know you too, I always said I’d give you 20%, I’ll transfer it as soon as the probate goes through’ why in gods name should you say NO? Absolutely not, you should have the whole £400k, it would be wrong of me to take £80k off you and leave you with only £320k

All those who thing people can leave their money to whoever they want, must also agree that once inherited the recipient can also do whatever they want with it- give some away, keep it all, use to it erect a memorial to the deceased that says in metre high letters ‘I always fucking hated you anyway’. It’s theirs now.

timeisnotaline · 23/11/2020 07:02

*think not thing

dontdisturbmenow · 23/11/2020 07:13

All those who thing people can leave their money to whoever they want, must also agree that once inherited the recipient can also do whatever they want with it
Very disrespectful to the wishes of the deceased though. Maybe her wishes is to honour his.

In the end, she didn't make a promise, she made a suggestion. She changed her mind for whatever reason. It hurts but it's not wrong.

Meraas · 23/11/2020 07:15

@dontdisturbmenow how on Earth is ‘I will give you 50%’ a suggestion? Confused

ChaToilLeam · 23/11/2020 07:23

To promise you a share and then expect you to accept a meal out as a consolation for not receiving 80K - well, that’s an insult. She may be entitled to do as she wishes with the money, but she should never have made a promise she was unwilling to keep.

thesunwillout · 23/11/2020 07:28

Gloaty mean bitch.

I'd be very hurt op. I'd also distance myself, alot.

X

poptartsarefood · 23/11/2020 07:36

400k could mean buying your house outright, being debt free, paying for all 3 kids to go to university, seed money to start a small business or being able to put aside money to gift her kids at 21.

If she's married with 3 kids it's not just her decision how it gets spent since as mumsnet loves to say it's "family money". Did your parents get anything? A great uncle is a distant relative so its not like being disinherited by your mum, he chose the relative he had a relationship with and thats fine.

MatildaonaWaltzer · 23/11/2020 07:47

I wonder if she fixed on a sum in her mind (or her husband did) and failed to take inheritance tax into account and is therefore now reneging on her offer so she doesn’t “lose out” on what she expected to get?

Meraas · 23/11/2020 07:54

Gloaty mean bitch.

Sums it up for me.

BubblyBarbara · 23/11/2020 07:56

If she's married with 3 kids it's not just her decision how it gets spent since as mumsnet loves to say it's "family money"

Hmm curiously on MN the idea of inherited money being in the control of the one who inherited it has been more common lately

PinkOrchids7 · 23/11/2020 07:57

@poptartsarefood

400k could mean buying your house outright, being debt free, paying for all 3 kids to go to university, seed money to start a small business or being able to put aside money to gift her kids at 21. If she's married with 3 kids it's not just her decision how it gets spent since as mumsnet loves to say it's "family money". Did your parents get anything? A great uncle is a distant relative so its not like being disinherited by your mum, he chose the relative he had a relationship with and thats fine.
And she can’t spare even 5% of £400k for her own sister who’s a single mum with twins? That’s pure greed. I still think it’s odd that their great uncle outright ignored OP as a child and adult.
Meraas · 23/11/2020 07:58

Pretty sure most MNers have always thought the person who inherits should control the money.

poptartsarefood · 23/11/2020 08:18

I've seen loads of threads where a husband's waster brother is being slipped cash and the outrage was real. Is it different for sisters? There was no distinction between inherited money, it was just family money. On the sister is a single mum of twins things, just why? What does that have to do with anything? Maybe her mum has one leg? Or her dad needs an urgent hip operation? Or her cousin is terminal and wants to go to Disneyland. It's not bingo.

flaviaritt · 23/11/2020 08:23

400k could mean buying your house outright, being debt free, paying for all 3 kids to go to university, seed money to start a small business or being able to put aside money to gift her kids at 21.

But it is pure greed to prefer to have all those things for yourself and your sister to have nothing out of such a large sum. Of course money gives you more choices. Doesn’t make it cool to be a giant Smaug about it.

LilyLongJohn · 23/11/2020 08:34

I'd be hurt and pissed if too. It's not about the money, by the sounds of things, had she never have promised it over and over again then you'd probably have been pleased for her. However it appears she's tried to reduce her guilt over getting the money by promising you half, but then when it comes to putting her money where her mouth is, she's done a U Turn. I know it was her that received the money and that's what your great uncle wanted, but it's now hers to do with as she pleases.

I'd tell her to stick her money up her arse for lying to you for so long. Good job you didn't take her at her word and make plans based on any inheritance.

canigooutyet · 23/11/2020 08:44

Promising to look after someone doesn't have to involve a set amount.

Some parts of the country, 400k won't buy you a lot for a family home. And for some, no matter how substantial a deposit is, mortgage companies still turn people down.

flaviaritt · 23/11/2020 08:46

Promising to look after someone doesn't have to involve a set amount.

Promising them 20% does.

liveitwell · 23/11/2020 08:54

  1. your great uncle is horrible for not making an effort to build a relationship with you. You can't just choose one sibling over another like that.

  2. your dad is awful for not having had a problem with the division.

  3. your sister has clearly gotten greedy. Let her have it, you don't need it. Don't entertain any talks about it going forwards and don't envy her. Yes she has money but she's also been complicit in the inequal treatment the whole time so I suspect she's a pretty selfish person anyway. And who needs those in their lives?!

canigooutyet · 23/11/2020 09:16

And the reduction over the years should have made it a tad obvious that when the time came, it would be reduced again.

The op could have made an effort with him as she grew up. For whatever reasons, she didn't. The relationship with the Great uncle started with when his sibling was still alive and for several years before the op was born.

And for all we know when the op was young she refused to go and prefered to spend time without the older sister around.

TheKeatingFive · 23/11/2020 09:23

All promises to share theoretical money should be taken with a massive pinch of salt.

She’s entitled to feel differently now, she’s entitled to change her mind. I don’t think she’s done anything wrong, it’s just that you both bought into a vision of her generosity that didn’t materialise.

Nahmfor · 23/11/2020 09:25

I don't mean this nasty. Coming from a family with nothing and never having heard of an inheritance, I honestly don't understand why people expect to gain other peoples money.

Again, I don't mean it rude I genuinely just don't understand why.

Ideasplease322 · 23/11/2020 09:39

@Nahmfor

I don't mean this nasty. Coming from a family with nothing and never having heard of an inheritance, I honestly don't understand why people expect to gain other peoples money.

Again, I don't mean it rude I genuinely just don't understand why.

I have grown up hearing grandparents talk about Their house, and saying this will be yours one day.

My parents do the same thing, and I suppose they like to think they will still be looking after us.

It’s not greed on our part, and realistically we know care home fees might eat it all up.

I also like to think that I will leave something to my nieces and nephews.

People can turn it into something very cold and hard, but that’s not how I think about it.

DeadGood · 23/11/2020 10:25

“ I don't mean this nasty. Coming from a family with nothing and never having heard of an inheritance, I honestly don't understand why people expect to gain other peoples money.

Again, I don't mean it rude I genuinely just don't understand why.”

Because that’s how the system works. People’s money doesn’t just disappear when they die; it still exists. It has to go somewhere. And because we, as a society at least try to maintain the veneer of “fairness”, that miney should be given in the fairest way to remaining family friends or other beneficiaries.

Why, where do YOU think it should go?

poptartsarefood · 23/11/2020 10:26

@liveitwell

1) your great uncle is horrible for not making an effort to build a relationship with you. You can't just choose one sibling over another like that.

  1. your dad is awful for not having had a problem with the division.

  2. your sister has clearly gotten greedy. Let her have it, you don't need it. Don't entertain any talks about it going forwards and don't envy her. Yes she has money but she's also been complicit in the inequal treatment the whole time so I suspect she's a pretty selfish person anyway. And who needs those in their lives?!

The great uncle is taking some stick but he's done nothing wrong as well. He had a relationship with a person and left her some money. He has no relationship with the OP and left her nothing. The whys dont matter and I doubt many of us on here are in contact with our distant relatives, he could as easily left it all to a donkey sanctuary.
It's like the random "relatives" who turn up at care homes when some old person they never visited finally dies. If there's no relationship when they're alive its disgusting to turn up and rifle through their things when they're dead.
dontdisturbmenow · 23/11/2020 10:27

how on Earth is ‘I will give you 50%’ a suggestion?
Maybe not a suggestion but not a promise either.

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