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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about inheritance U turn

323 replies

TeaAndBrie · 22/11/2020 13:56

My sister had always seen by great uncle. She used to go for lunch with him and my grandad. Even as a child I never received a birthday card or anything from great uncle. No idea why.
For years my sister had said that she was in the will and that as she knew we would not inherit anything from my parents that she would give me 50% of what she received. A few years ago she had said she spoke with her husband about it and that she would give me 20% instead because they have 3 children now. Fair enough.
Great uncle died a month ago and the will has just be read.
She’s now said that she was never serious about giving me any money and that she will ‘treat me’ to a meal out.
I’ve told her I’m not interested and really upset that she lied to me for all those years.
She said she will treat my twin boys as well.
I’ve told her to keep her money. Apparently I’m being dramatic. Aibu to be genuinely hurt that she lied for so long?

OP posts:
Heronsnest · 22/11/2020 15:07

You haven’t really explained your financial position, or your sister’s.
I agree - she shouldn’t have promised you anything in the first place but I wonder if that was when she was much younger and now, as you’ve said, she has a young family of her own she needs to protect.
It would be a shame if this damages your relationship with her and your nephews/nieces but money doesn’t always bring out the best in people.

CakeRequired · 22/11/2020 15:07

You do sound more upset about a lack of money than someone in your family dying.

It also sounds like you had no relationship with him and she made an effort with him. Maybe if you had, you'd have been added to the will too? Maybe he found out your sister planned to share it and he told her not to?

You shouldn't have believed that she would give the money to be honest as she didn't have to and wasn't likely to. Just got to get over it if you want a relationship with her still.

canigooutyet · 22/11/2020 15:08

Who used to instigate these conversations?

Didiusfalco · 22/11/2020 15:09

If the situations were reversed can you honestly say you would do the same for her?

PanamaPattie · 22/11/2020 15:10

YABU. Your DSis was trying to be nice, but no good deed goes unpunished. The money wasn’t meant to be yours.

converseandjeans · 22/11/2020 15:11

I think her DH has probably told her not to share it.

Depends on the amount really - if it's huge amount - sale of house for example - it would be nice to share it out. Say £10k to you & same to your brother.

However it sounds like you had no relationship as such with Great Uncle & so I guess he left it to her as he was closer to her?

How much is it do you think?

Doingitaloneandproud · 22/11/2020 15:11

If you didn't bother with him you have no entitlement to any inheritance. If your sisters circumstances have changed she is entitled to say no. The money was never yours, I have to agree with others who said you don't seem that upset about him dying more about the money

FatimaMunchy · 22/11/2020 15:12

Similar thing happened to me. My sister inherited a third of our great uncle's house, I got £50. She had a lot to do with him, I didn't. I was grateful for the £50 to be honest. She certainly didn't give me any of her share.

callmeadoctor · 22/11/2020 15:14

Mmmm, another one wondering whether he was her father.................................

VetiverAndLavender · 22/11/2020 15:14

For those saying OP sounds more upset about losing a portion of the inheritance than about the death of a family member, oh please!

First, it's her great-uncle, so I imagine he was elderly. His death won't have been a terrible shock.

Second, he never took an interest in OP even when she was a child. Not so much as a birthday card, while her sister was taken out for special lunches with the uncle and her grandfather. Do you honestly believe she had the kind of relationship with him that would cause much emotion? I wouldn't have shed a tear in her place!

Meanwhile, she's hurt that her sister, with whom she does have a lifelong relationship, has suddenly changed her mind. I'm sure the loss of the money is part of it, but it's also the fact that her sister essentially lied about her intentions, even as an adult. She's had years to find a way to tell the OP that she doesn't feel she should/can split the inheritance. Instead, she's waited until now to tell her, and then acts surprised that OP isn't just smiling and happy about it!

HollowTalk · 22/11/2020 15:14

It's stretching it a bit to assume this man is actually her father!

Peppafrig · 22/11/2020 15:15

Depends how much money we are talking about

Another123 · 22/11/2020 15:16

I get it OP. I have also been promised money when a family member receives an inheritance. They bring it up every time I see them.

I have not made plans for this money, and don't desperately need it. I will however be upset if I don't get any, because I won't be able to trust this family member any more.

You know not to believe your sister's promises now. I would wait for her to make the next move.

flaviaritt · 22/11/2020 15:18

I don’t think the fact that the great-uncle left the money to the sister and not the OP is particularly relevant. The money could be from anywhere. The fact is (or appears to be) that the DSis said she would split it and has changed her mind. She has every right to do that, but realistically it might affect her relationship with her sister.

I think it depends very much both on the amount of money and your relative financial positions as to who is being unreasonable. If she’s going to be moneybags and take you to a Beefeater, you probably have a point. If she’s inherited enough for a used car, probably not.

changingnamesforthis · 22/11/2020 15:18

It's an awkward situation but as others have said, her life has changed since her early promises to share and bottom line is, it is her money to with as she decides. Falling out over money from an great uncle who seems to behaved unfairly in his lifetime, would be letting him continue to impact your relationship now he's gone. Only you can decide if its worth that.

Money does seem to bring out the worst in some though, I've only posted about this today, two sisters I know have discovered an older half sister but choosing not to tell the sister or their family because of the potential future impacted on their expected inheritance. They're denying their elderly father chance of knowing about his first daughter simply to get a few more grand in the will. People can be strange where money is involved.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 22/11/2020 15:20

Her DSIS didn't lie about her intentions. She changed her mind as her life circumstances changed. And as a PP pointed out, we don't know who instigated all the 'sharing the inheritance' conversations. It could have been OP pestering her DSIS to say she would share the inheritance.
I'm genuinely amazed that anyone thinks OP's DSIS should be kept to a casual conversation and go against her great-uncle's wishes and essentially reward OP for ignoring the great-uncle.

YoniAndGuy · 22/11/2020 15:23

Not really about money, but the fact that your sister, when push came to shove, prioritised gaining more for herself above a promise to you - then, just to make it 100% clear how much of a shallow shit she is, gaslighted you about it. 'Oh I never meant it'.

Yep I'd tell her to shove it up her arse and would be sure to laugh in her face if she ever came needing a favour 'because family'

VetiverAndLavender · 22/11/2020 15:25

If her sister told her (after the birth of at least some of the sister's children) that she planned to give OP 20%, then I'd say that was a lie, since she's now cut it down to a meal out. By the time you are married and have children, you're old enough to comprehend the reality of money.

If OP was hounding her sister about the inheritance, of course that was awful, but I doubt that was the case. Even if so, her sister was extremely foolish to say she'd give her 20%, just to keep her happy. Someone who is pestering you about a future inheritance isn't going to simply forget when the time comes. She should've told her firmly and plainly that either NO, she was keeping it for herself or that she wasn't going to discuss it. Giving an exact percentage would be a very odd thing to do, if you didn't fully intend to honour your word.

Longdistance · 22/11/2020 15:27

My uncle passed away and left a house to my dB. Do I care? No. My uncle was close to my dB, I wasn’t keen on him. Long story.
The sale is going through just now, I don’t want anything and as your great uncle left a will and it to your sister, you shouldn’t expect anything.
Don’t make a big deal of it and fall out with her over it. It’s not worth it. Have a private sulk that she didn’t keep to her bargain. It’s not worth falling out over it, it truly isn’t.

NailsNeedDoing · 22/11/2020 15:28

When you say ‘she lied for so long’, do you actually mean she said it once and meant it at the time, then changed her mind?

For you to agree to accepting some of her inheritance is a bit shit to start with, if someone told me they were getting an inheritance and they’d give me some of it I’d tell them not to because the person who actually left it would have given it to me if that’s what they’d wanted. You should never have expected to take any of her money in the first place.

VodselForDinner · 22/11/2020 15:30

Poor man. Two vultures circling.

VetiverAndLavender · 22/11/2020 15:30

Incidentally, I'm not suggesting that OP should sever ties with her sister. I'm only saying it's not unreasonable for her to be hurt and upset with her.

If the relationship is otherwise good, I'd let it go the best I could. It would change how I felt about her and how much I trusted her word, but unfortunately, human beings are flawed creatures. Learn from it and move on-- but I don't think it's wrong to tell her you're hurt and disappointed before you turn the page.

Zenithbear · 22/11/2020 15:32

A lot of spiteful people who love to meddle and shit stir seem to use their wills as a way of causing trouble between families after their death.
I know of a few cases personally where very unfair and uneven wills have caused major relationship damage in families.
Yes you shouldn't expect anything, it's not your money etc but they know it hurts and the will makers know exactly what they are doing.

EKGEMS · 22/11/2020 15:44

@oopsiedaisy2 The love of money is the root of all evil not money itself

AlpineSnow · 22/11/2020 15:44

You are right to refuse the meal. It's insulting after her about turn

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