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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about inheritance U turn

323 replies

TeaAndBrie · 22/11/2020 13:56

My sister had always seen by great uncle. She used to go for lunch with him and my grandad. Even as a child I never received a birthday card or anything from great uncle. No idea why.
For years my sister had said that she was in the will and that as she knew we would not inherit anything from my parents that she would give me 50% of what she received. A few years ago she had said she spoke with her husband about it and that she would give me 20% instead because they have 3 children now. Fair enough.
Great uncle died a month ago and the will has just be read.
She’s now said that she was never serious about giving me any money and that she will ‘treat me’ to a meal out.
I’ve told her I’m not interested and really upset that she lied to me for all those years.
She said she will treat my twin boys as well.
I’ve told her to keep her money. Apparently I’m being dramatic. Aibu to be genuinely hurt that she lied for so long?

OP posts:
Noranorav · 22/11/2020 20:49

Just to add , having read all your posts. Your sister was wrong to give assurances, the reality of having a large lump sum appears to have swayed her. It might be better/ easier (given you're fine with him not having left you anything) that you regard this money as hers and completely non family related, as you'd look at her salary or bonus. And then chalk this one to experience - and as others have said when it comes to money, until it's in your bank account, it's not real.

Meraas · 22/11/2020 21:00

Anyone know why @ZoChan was deleted? Her comment seemed really innocuous to me?

PinkOrchids7 · 22/11/2020 21:02

£400k and won’t share any of it?? That’s really greedy. Even 10% is an amazing amount and more than what many people earn a year. Is there a reason why you didn’t have a relationship with your great uncle? It’s weird that he left you out as a child and no adult in your family said anything about it. Is there some backstory? A family drama?

rosiejaune · 22/11/2020 21:02

Maybe she now knows something you don't, e.g. that the great uncle is actually her father, or that your father isn't who you think he is, so you aren't actually related to the great-uncle at all (if he was on your dad's side).

But even if not, he didn't leave it to you, for whatever reason, and you are not in his direct line of descent, so it's not as if it was your grandad treating you differently.

Maybe she felt guilty about when she promised to give you some, and that's why she said she wasn't serious, because it wasn't a genuine choice (i.e. she felt social pressure about it, even if not from you).

PinkOrchids7 · 22/11/2020 21:03

OP, is your sister the main person he was in contact with? Could she have helped him write the will?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 22/11/2020 21:07

Guys seriously she has explained 15 times at least, DS is older than her resulting in spending more time with them, was around more, took them out to lunch etc. This is why DS inherited and she didn't.

I got a very small amount from my DgU estate because l bothered to go and see him when he was ill and my siblings did not. They don't know though as they would think it unfair. It want unfair. I loved him and was devastated by his loss.

lemonsquashie · 22/11/2020 21:15

It's only been a month. Has she received the money yet? I'd wait and see what happens if I were you. She may change her mind again. Just hold on, xmas is coming. Have faith that she will do the right thing

applesandpears33 · 22/11/2020 21:33

What do your parents think about it? Are they at all surprised? It seems strange that the uncle ignored you when you were a child, not even sending you birthday cards while spending a lot of time with your sister.

Audreyseyebrows · 22/11/2020 21:52

Is it worth falling out with your sister?

Meraas · 22/11/2020 22:25

@Audreyseyebrows it’s the sister causing the fall out though. OP shouldn’t feel guilt tripped.

Suzi888 · 22/11/2020 22:31

It’s nothing to do with the uncle, the sister went back on a promise she instigated. If it depended on something, why say anything at all.

Audreyseyebrows · 22/11/2020 22:40

@Meraas no she shouldn’t but I guess she has to decide if she wants a relationship with her sister and if they can move on from this.

Sewrainbow · 22/11/2020 23:08

She didnt lie, her circumstances changed.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 23/11/2020 00:28

No, you're not unreasonable to be hurt. In your place, I would feel that by accepting the meal, I'd be saying that what she'd done was OK - I'd be giving her my approval & sealing the deal. So I think you're right not to accept the meal.

I really think your sister is in the wrong, because while it's her choice to do what she wants with her money (& it's her money as it was left to her, & you accept that), she should have:

(a) stuck to her word & given you 20% of the inheritance, or

(b) apologised & explained her reasons for going back on her word, and

(c) not said that you were being 'dramatic' for telling her to keep the money & refusing the offer of a meal instead of the promised £80,000.

If she can't see that she has done wrong by you, then that tells you how you stand with her.

Nanny0gg · 23/11/2020 00:40

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

YABVU and extremerly greedy.

The thing is though Op probably already had the money spent in her head.

It was a shitty thing of her sister to do. Its horrible when you get let down especially when it comes to money. I assume we're not just talking about a few hundred pound here.

400K actually.
catchabreak2020 · 23/11/2020 00:46

100% write her off after her disgusting behaviour, I would never speak to her again

DougRossIsTheBoss · 23/11/2020 01:03

But did she know it was that much?? 20% of a few thousand is less hard to part with than 20% of 400k.

A promise made whilst feeling guilty as a child/ teen with no idea of money shouldn't have to stand.
She perhaps she felt later that she did have more of a right to it through her later support for him even if it was initially unfair favouritism.

I do think just a meal out is a poor show but not sure she's obliged to give away a really big sum when it was left to her and she clearly made an effort with their relationship which you didn't eg driving him round.
I think it was her mistake to say a proportion and she should have just said a fixed sum.
I think she is allowed to change her mind and you should not have counted on money on such a flimsy basis.

My DSis inherited some money from a great uncle under similar circumstances and I didn't. She is younger and I think I was at school and she spent time with my g'parents and uncle so they were closer. She lived locally whilst I lived away. She kept it all and I never begrudged it to her whatsoever. I have no idea even how much it was but I think less than 10,000. I stand on my own 2 feet and I do not expect anything from anyone. She needs it more than I do in any case.

DougRossIsTheBoss · 23/11/2020 01:11

If I had any spare money to leave to nieces/ nephews I can see me not feeling the need to be 'fair'

I've got millions of nieces and nephews between me and DH's big families and some I am really close to and others not for reasons mostly of geography or similar age of own DC. The ones that live in Australia I've never met. I can't think why they'd have any expectations of inheriting. If I fancied leaving something to the ones I have a nice relationship with then I feel that's my choice and I have no obligation to be fair as they are not my own kids.

Gowiththeflow92 · 23/11/2020 03:28

Wow just wow @TeaAndBrie
You are definitely not being unreasonable at all.

Money can absolutly ruin relationships and this is a prime example.
I have 5 sisters and if any of them wur this selfish I would most definitely cut them off its not the expecting it, its the facts shes said she would look after u when u haven't asked !!

A meal out 😂ad be telling her to shove that right up her arse and I hope the moneys worth it when she doesn't have any left and no sister to turn too.

I mean 400k she could have easily at least given u 10 to 20k or anything as a gesture since everyones had a hard year and u said ur a single parent to twins Christmas is just round the corner u think she would want to help u out.

Better off without her money because if that's anything to go by it would get flung in ur face the first chance she gets.

Hope ur ok and u have a good Christmas x

timeisnotaline · 23/11/2020 04:11

She’s being bloody awful, it would be hard to move past. £400k, like she can’t spare some of that, and you are/were a single mum with twins, she promised you some the week before he died. I dunno op, I might have to take at least a year or two out of having a relationship with her for that gargantuan lie. It’s ‘I like to think of myself as a nice person And others to as well so I made you promises but really I’m selfish and entitled so while it wouldn’t have mattered to me taking £320k instead of the whole 400 but I just. Can’t. Spare. My. Sister. Any as all that beautiful money is for me me me. You might be my sister but I will never have your back, I won’t say that out loud obviously unless forced to but that’s where I stand. Now please fuck off and don’t forget I’m a nice person really.’

And reminding the pps that great uncle never bothered with her not the other way around.

Takethereigns · 23/11/2020 05:51

What would be the tax implications of her gifting you a large sum of money?

Perhaps she’s looked into this and that’s why her mines been changed.

Could she have embarrassing debts ran up and this will clear them.

Perhaps she has realised what this money could mean for her family in the future.

She should never have promised you a share of the inheritance, but you should also never have accepted her offer.

littlemiceinthecorner · 23/11/2020 05:58

But did she know it was that much?? 20% of a few thousand is less hard to part with than 20% of 400k

Is it? How is £2k/£10k harder to part with than £80K/£400k? Both look like relatively large amounts to me. £500/10k and £20k/£400k seems easier....and stingy.

HeronLanyon · 23/11/2020 06:06

Problem is it’s easy to talk about money when it is abstract (and mean what you say about sharing etc).
When it becomes a reality it is very different.
In a way 400k is a difficult amount if eg she is needing/wanting to buy a property.
The silly thing was to talk about it with you - sounds like an emotional need on her part which wasn’t though through.
I always promised my dp 50% of anything I inherited and meant it fully - we have separate finances and dp had been as much a child of my parents as I for decades.
The reality was the amount I inherited meant neither of us could do anything significant. Resulted in some serious discussions and plans Re how to make wise choices together ‘pooling’ the majority and Giving a smaller amount outright. I wish I hadn’t spoken about it so much beforehand. We’re fine and but it took some rethinking and careful open discussions.

MitziK · 23/11/2020 06:44

So, why wont she inherit anything from your parents, then?

Second marriage?

Kittykat93 · 23/11/2020 06:55

Omg she's getting 400k and she's offering to take you out for a meal! Bloody cheek of it and I'd tell her where to shove her meal. She could even give you 10k or something it would make a big difference to you but not take much away from her money! But to give you nothing..