To think Father Christmas doesn’t make two visits.

[Kacee29]

Random one.

I have a DS with my ex and dc with my current partner. DS always wakes up here on Christmas morning and visits his dads house throughout the day or sometimes sleeps there Christmas Day night into Boxing Day.

Before anyone asks why doesn’t he stay there on Christmas Eve sometimes or alternate Christmas etc like other parents do. It’s never happened for us. DS has siblings here. He doesn’t at his dads. His dad always goes out drinking Christmas Eve so he’s never been interested in having DS then.

My ex has told DS that Father Christmas always drops presents off for DS at his house too so DS thinks he gets two visits off Santa.

I’ve always been against this as for me Santa should visit the house you are sleeping Christmas Eve and wake up on Christmas morning.

Also. DS has been telling dc he gets two visits which isn’t ideal as dc are more understanding now.

Plus in our house Santa always brings one gift and a sack or stocking and the rest is from me and hubby. In my exs view all presents are from Santa.

I’ve tried to communicate this with him but he’s not the easiest to talk to.

Aibu?

It wouldn’t be so bad if DS kept his gifts off his dad at their house but he always brings them home. Naturally DS is always going to have extra presents off his dads side of the family which is fine but from Santa? No! I feel like I should do the Santa thing here!

Please guide me here. Shall I put my foot down this year? It’s causing all sorts of confusion here!

Why are you so sure that “all” parents use the Santa threat for behaviour? Not any parent I know. They all believe that you parent your child based on immediate consequences that are enforced by the parent and their choices for the family. That goes for NT and ND children.

Why don’t you change how you do Christmas and have all the gifts from Father Christmas at your house too? Surely your ex did the everything from Father Christmas before you had more children so to save confusion you could have gone with that way from the start.

The reality is you can’t tell him how to do Christmas, you just can’t. I’d tell your ds that because his dad likes to see him open some presents too that Father Christmas drops some there too (it’s not two visits as such he does it on the same night) or go with we buy you some gifts as we like to choose some, your dad sends the money to FC to bring you extra ones.

I think the point of a made up story is that you stretch it to include anything that needs to be included.

Extended family politics for us has meant multiple drop off’s of presents at various houses over the years. DC have always been happy with the arrangement.

I always wonder how “everything from Santa” families manage Thank Yous. Is it not easier if Aunty Elsie “sends” her parcel to Santa for him to deliver along with his? At least then D.C. know they have received a present from Aunty.

Mountain, molehill comes to mind. You are massively overthinking this OP.

You know what? One of the ONLY good things about having separated parents when you're a child is that you get double the presents on birthdays and Christmases.

There's very little that's good about having to be carted around sharing your time between two households .. but that is one of them.

So let him get on with it and do Christmas the way he thinks is best.

And my dad was similar very Disney dad when he wanted to be (or he’d won money on the horses!) pretty crap the rest of the time. It’s crap it really is, but it’s not DS’s fault and you won’t change his dad. I know my mum bit her tongue a lot when I was young and I really appreciate that. Now we quite happily talk about just how absolutely shit he is 😂

YABVU

We actually told DC that FC drops off at grandparents house too, it was never questioned, and wasn’t a problem.

Just playing Devil's advocate, would you feel the same way if your DS alternated Christmas Eve each year with you and your ex? So every other year, your DS would get no presents at your house "from Santa" when his siblings did?

I think the bigger picture seems to be you are pissed off that your ex is a Disney Dad every Christmas, goes overboard with presents (in your opinion).
It's quite easy to explain to your other children that Santa has delivered presents with DS's dad for him to open there, and every household works differently with Santa. Some families get everything from Santa, some get the main present, some get a stocking, some get nothing! Kids will notice differences with friends at school, how will you explain that to them?

@yetanothernamitynamechange

You are not being unreasonable to resent your ex, or consider him a fairly rubbish disney dad based on what you say. However you are very unreasonable to try to dictate whether or not father christmas visits his house, or try to justify this because hes a crap dad. Also, how are you going to "put your foot down"? Say to your DS "actually santa only visits one house your dad is lying etc etc". That is going to be even more confusing to him, and almost certainly ruin the magic of christmas for him. So when hes older if he is discussing when he realised santa wasnt real he will be able to say "well my mum and dad were seperated and hated each other and had a big arguement about whether my dad was allowed to pretend santa brought me presents at his house". Horrible thing to do to a child. dont do it.

I think this is the most important thing to take away.

As frustrating as it is, how you act now will help frame how DS sees the world and how he sees relationships.

Separately, I would not allow a flakey parent to ruin plans, especially for other children who have no relation to them. Are you having it so that your DS spends a portion of the actual day with your ex? That sounds far too stressful and would explain why you were overly bitter over the Santa thing - he is already causing you distress and this sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back instead of the actual main issue

YABU, why shouldn't your sons father also get to share the magic with him?

Santa drops off a present for our kids at Grandma and Pa's even though as a family we do the main presents and Santa is just an extra present rather than the main giver. I think it's sweet and I know that my MIL misses doing it with her own kids.

This is really not something to get upset about. His dad is making an effort to make Christmas at his house special too. He has every right to do that and really it’s something to be glad of. Yes, he has something different to the other dc, but that also includes moving between two houses to see both parents. In the effort to make things equal, first children often miss out. Let him enjoy opening his presents with his dad and leave things be.

Santa is a lovely fairytale, so he can make as many visits as he wants! The details of the Santa story will vary with time and place. Not very long ago, THE key part of Santa's visit was his coming down the chimney. Now that more people live in flats, or otherwise in homes without chimneys. the stories of how he arrives have become more varied! I don't think that Santa would like the nature of his visits to become a bone of contention between you and your ex.

At the moment it might seem like ds doesn't mind that his dad doesn't make a big effort with him and if anything he gets a better deal than the younger dc with 2 lots of presents, but that won't always be the case. Younger dc have a caring dad who lived with them all the time, they don't have the future emotional hurt of understanding their dad was not a very good one and didn't care about them as much as they first thought. When you grow up you understand that being around for everyday stuff is worth more than fancy gifts. So let your ds have what fun he can with his Disney Christmas dad. You could give younger dc some of their presents at the time when ds is with his dad so they get two lots of presents as well.

We have always done Santa bringing presents from other people - so they are all labelled and so thank you notes are sent. Kids both ours so it’s not the same situation but I think you need to find a way of explaining to your DS eg Santa brings them from your dad - and have something for your others to open Boxing Day morning so they have something to show when he gets back as well. Doesn’t have to be loads for them just keep a couple back with an inventive story as PP suggested. We usually do Boxing Day with my DF and DB and SIL and all kids have always had presents from them on Boxing Day as Santa delivered them to their house. Makes Christmas Day less OTT and makes Boxing Day extra special. Cousins on DH side didn’t do this, had everything on Christmas Day, knew we did it differently, but never seemed to be a problem when ours would say Santa has left us stuff at GPs. We would just say to ours that Santa brought cousins all in one go but you’ll have some of yours tomorrow. I know it’s different when it’s siblings but I’d go for the ‘keeping a couple back for Boxing Day’ option if I were you if you think your others will be upset if they think they’re missing out. But also - do you have to wait around for Ex? That would drive me mad. Can’t you tell him he needs to pick up by whenever otherwise you’ll go to other family for Boxing Day?

YABU Santa will visit both of his HOMES.

Shall I put my foot down this year? It’s causing all sorts of confusion here!

How do you plan to do that exactly? You're both his parents and equally entitled to your view of how things should be done

YABU - controlling and ridiculous

Father Christmas can visit both houses, because he knows both you and his dad would like to see DS opening his presents.

I can see why the "all presents vs. one present from Father Christmas" is awkward. I'd be tempted to say that you choose presents for DS when you see things you think he'd like, and his dad asks Father Christmas to choose nice things for him.

It doesn't have to be a huge problem!

As an aside, do you confer? How do you make sure you don't duplicate?

Tell Ex he can have DS Boxing Day this year.

Tell all the DC that although Santa delivers the presents the parents have to send him the money so some children get more that others.

Well, his dad is doing himself over if the message is all presents are from Santa not from him.

Other than that, I can’t say i think it’s much of a problem. We had the opposite in that DSS never spent Xmas Eve with us - oddly though Santa always left a sack with us for him. Difference I suppose is that it wasn’t ‘delivered’ overnight but sometimes that might be a few days after Christmas.

I think you are being unreasonable.
I have SC and Santa always comes back Christmas Day even to drop presents for Boxing Day morning. Why should my husband miss out on the magic of Christmas just because he doesn't live with his kids mum? She has younger children from her current relationship and she has never ever questioned this.
Asking him to stop Santa going to his house is no different to him asking Santa to not come to yours.. you wouldn't change it for him so why should he.

“Father Christmas visits every house. If the children aren’t there he leaves a few presents for when they visit”.

It’s really not difficult. That’s one of the only perks about having separated parents.

Yabu
I understand it would make your life easier if FC did as you said in both houses but I think most separated families will have FC visiting both houses as the children live at both.