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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Father Christmas doesn’t make two visits.

259 replies

Kacee29 · 22/11/2020 07:54

Random one.

I have a DS with my ex and dc with my current partner. DS always wakes up here on Christmas morning and visits his dads house throughout the day or sometimes sleeps there Christmas Day night into Boxing Day.

Before anyone asks why doesn’t he stay there on Christmas Eve sometimes or alternate Christmas etc like other parents do. It’s never happened for us. DS has siblings here. He doesn’t at his dads. His dad always goes out drinking Christmas Eve so he’s never been interested in having DS then.

My ex has told DS that Father Christmas always drops presents off for DS at his house too so DS thinks he gets two visits off Santa.

I’ve always been against this as for me Santa should visit the house you are sleeping Christmas Eve and wake up on Christmas morning.

Also. DS has been telling dc he gets two visits which isn’t ideal as dc are more understanding now.

Plus in our house Santa always brings one gift and a sack or stocking and the rest is from me and hubby. In my exs view all presents are from Santa.

I’ve tried to communicate this with him but he’s not the easiest to talk to.

Aibu?

It wouldn’t be so bad if DS kept his gifts off his dad at their house but he always brings them home. Naturally DS is always going to have extra presents off his dads side of the family which is fine but from Santa? No! I feel like I should do the Santa thing here!

Please guide me here. Shall I put my foot down this year? It’s causing all sorts of confusion here!

OP posts:
laudete · 22/11/2020 15:00

DS has been telling dc he gets two visits which isn’t ideal as dc are more understanding now.

I think the simplest solution is to explain to DS' siblings that Santa leaves half of DS' gifts at each house. Even if DS' siblings are quite young, they should be able to understand that 2 halves make 1 whole. (That is a simple math concept that you can model by cutting a food item into 2 halves.)

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 22/11/2020 15:01

OP I'm in the same situation but I know i just have to suck it up.
After all , the santa magic lasts for such a short time , this may very well be my last year with ds " believing " its not worth the argument. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas

nosswith · 22/11/2020 15:01

This may not be an issue for too many years, but reading this thread, I think the issue is the bad relationship between parents, nothing else.

comedycentral · 22/11/2020 15:02

You need to just let him have the Christmas he wants with his child. It's not up to you to dictate. FWIW he sounds like a bit of a git.

jessstan1 · 22/11/2020 16:10

@laudete

DS has been telling dc he gets two visits which isn’t ideal as dc are more understanding now.

I think the simplest solution is to explain to DS' siblings that Santa leaves half of DS' gifts at each house. Even if DS' siblings are quite young, they should be able to understand that 2 halves make 1 whole. (That is a simple math concept that you can model by cutting a food item into 2 halves.)

Why not just say that Dad has presents for him at his house.
jessstan1 · 22/11/2020 16:12

How old is the little boy?

Original poster
Kacee29 · 22/11/2020 17:47

Thanks all. If anyone’s wondering why his dad had never had him to stay Christmas Eve. It’s never happened, his dads choice, not mine. DS doesn’t even have a bed at his dads and generally doesn’t stay there ever. His dad has always favoured his girlfriend and this lifestyle over Ds and would rather spend Christmas Eve drinking. That is not my choice but his..

It’s not the case of DS having two homes. He has 1 - here. He doesn’t even have a bed at his dads. But I’ll take it all on board!

I hate it when DS laughs off his bad behaviour thinking
It’ll be okay as Santa always visits dads house because dad says I’m always good (he doesn’t see him enough to say otherwise).

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 22/11/2020 17:54

I hate it when DS laughs off his bad behaviour thinking It’ll be okay as Santa always visits dads house because dad says I’m always good (he doesn’t see him enough to say otherwise)
Use a different method of punishment he can't laugh off. It is far to early making threats you're never going to follow through on anyway. His dad is playing typical Disney dad nonetheless he needs firm consequences if he is with you full time.
The gifts from dad and his bad behaviour are separate issues.
His age is important here?

Wolfiefan · 22/11/2020 17:58

It’s horrid you use Father Christmas as a threat over him. You need to find better consequences.

ThornAmongstRoses · 22/11/2020 18:01

Santa isn’t real, therefore there are no rules about what he can or can’t do, or how many times he can visit Grin

Original poster
Kacee29 · 22/11/2020 18:06

@Wolfiefan don’t all parents use the Santa threat
this time of year? My own mother certainly did
With me!

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 22/11/2020 18:09

[quote Kacee29]@Wolfiefan don’t all parents use the Santa threat
this time of year? My own mother certainly did
With me![/quote]
A lot do but think about it. Are you really going to carry out the threat that if the child is not good Santa won't bring presents? I don't think a parent would carry that out, and you're supposed to carry things through so the child believes you and believes the consequence.
It's not actually something I thought about before i started coming on Mumsnet but it makes sense

nimbuscloud · 22/11/2020 18:09

@Kacee29
Some parents do - not all.
Dh and I never did, neither did our parents.

Elfieishere · 22/11/2020 18:10

[quote Kacee29]@Wolfiefan don’t all parents use the Santa threat
this time of year? My own mother certainly did
With me![/quote]
Yes they do.

Only on mumsnet would it be a sin to use the Santa line to make kids behave.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 22/11/2020 18:11

I can understand that it potentially creates an issue with the other kids but they are probably far more accepting than you think. They are kids. They won't believe in FC forever (presumably). Just suck it up. It sounds really controlling and a bit petty otherwise.

Original poster
Kacee29 · 22/11/2020 18:14

I have never gone through with the threat, no but this year I have considered it. Sounds harsh. My son has autism but the behaviour we’ve been experiencing lately is pretty hard and very little to do with his autism. He’s answering back, shouting, even swearing, screaming for his own way, picking on his siblings etc.

My son gets one present off Santa and a stocking as I’ve said above. I’ve told him if he carries on there could be a possibly that there will be no present off Fc only presents from mum and dad (stepdad). It’s a tough one but I’m desperate. He has me in tears most days at the minute as he’a really pushing the boundaries. Hoping it’s just a phase!

OP posts:
ChalkDinosaur · 22/11/2020 18:18

My gran used to do little stockings for us. When we were small we believed Santa had made a second visit, and when we were bigger we played along. It was always a lovely treat. I'm sure it'll be the same for your DS.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/11/2020 18:25

I know how challenging it is having a DC with extra needs these threats don't work.
There are some strategies online to combat defiance behaviour. I find choice theory works not sure if it is age appropriate as we don't know his age.
Remove the santa threat it isn't working.

lazylinguist · 22/11/2020 18:26

I'm afraid YABU to want to take out your (understandable) frustration about your ex's inconsistent parenting by imposing arbitrary rules about Father Christmas (who is obviously imaginary, so can do whatever he likes) and dress it up as not wanting to confuse your ds. I can totally understand why you're pissed off, but honestly, when and where FC can deliver presents can be decided by any parent, including your annoying ex.

Original poster
Kacee29 · 22/11/2020 18:27

@ChalkDinosaur that sounds really lovely I would have absolutely no problem with this. My op was about all the presents at his dads being from Santa and not his dad and coming home with all these extra presents. Not just 1 or 2 either. Would rather his dad just do a stocking and a gift from Santa not the whole lot. It’s confusing for DS and my younger children. My ex is the definition of presents not presence and often buys him extravagant gifts etc.

We can afford to spoil dc so this is not the issue but it’s just the whole thing is a mess at the minute. I get really anxious at Christmas because his dad doesn’t see him much then we are expecting to work around my ex, his gf, his family and make our plans around when he can see dc. One year he was 2 hours late picking him up (probably because he was hungover) and it completely changed our plans in the day. This is going off the original post now so I apologise for waffling on (I always do this). But I just want him to have a relationship with his dad all year, not just Christmas where he buys so much that he doesn’t need. I didn’t have a dad growing up, it sucks. I never wanted the same as DS.

OP posts:
jomaIone · 22/11/2020 18:30

Santa visits everyone's house so surely its weird that he didn't have any Santa presents at his Dad's??

Didkdt · 22/11/2020 19:45

He's at a tricky age his autism makes it trickier but you seem quite fixated.
Does he call your current partner dad? From your post it seems he does, this could be complicating things for everyone.
You can't make the relationship he has with his dad. Even of you were still together you couldn't, but you can define your family traditions and as hard as it will be one way is to have every other year Christmas your way and every other year not worry about how your ex is doing it

jessstan1 · 23/11/2020 00:16

Effieishere: Only on mumsnet would it be a sin to use the Santa line to make kids behave.
........
I don't think so. I've never known it used. It sounds horrible to do that!

MotherExtraordinaire · 23/11/2020 03:04

[quote Kacee29]@Wolfiefan don’t all parents use the Santa threat
this time of year? My own mother certainly did
With me![/quote]
No!

Oriunda · 23/11/2020 03:33

In a normal year, Santa drops presents at 3 different houses for our son. We go to Italy and usually Christmas Eve (when gifts get opened) he gets a present from Santa who knows that he’ll be there that evening. When he wakes up at our house on Christmas Day he gets his gifts from Santa.

When we fly back home to UK Santa has also left gifts for him there too.

YABU.

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