To think Father Christmas doesn’t make two visits.

[Kacee29]

Random one.

I have a DS with my ex and dc with my current partner. DS always wakes up here on Christmas morning and visits his dads house throughout the day or sometimes sleeps there Christmas Day night into Boxing Day.

Before anyone asks why doesn’t he stay there on Christmas Eve sometimes or alternate Christmas etc like other parents do. It’s never happened for us. DS has siblings here. He doesn’t at his dads. His dad always goes out drinking Christmas Eve so he’s never been interested in having DS then.

My ex has told DS that Father Christmas always drops presents off for DS at his house too so DS thinks he gets two visits off Santa.

I’ve always been against this as for me Santa should visit the house you are sleeping Christmas Eve and wake up on Christmas morning.

Also. DS has been telling dc he gets two visits which isn’t ideal as dc are more understanding now.

Plus in our house Santa always brings one gift and a sack or stocking and the rest is from me and hubby. In my exs view all presents are from Santa.

I’ve tried to communicate this with him but he’s not the easiest to talk to.

Aibu?

It wouldn’t be so bad if DS kept his gifts off his dad at their house but he always brings them home. Naturally DS is always going to have extra presents off his dads side of the family which is fine but from Santa? No! I feel like I should do the Santa thing here!

Please guide me here. Shall I put my foot down this year? It’s causing all sorts of confusion here!

Could you give you other kids a couple more presents from Santa then tell DS that Santa dropped the rest of his at his dads?
I agree not everything should be from Santa but it might make things feel a bit more equal

Thanks all. It’s just so frustrating when his dad is absent most of the time and I’ve done all of the hard work.

I didn’t have my dad around growing up but I didn’t see him so I’m not sure what is normal
In these situations. I just don’t agree that all ex’s gifts come from Santa. Some of it is quite expensive. I believe most of it should be from the parents these days when different families have such a varied income.

His asd does come into it. He needs the same across the board. Not just with Christmas, with everything. Me and ex have different parenting styles. Never been an issue as he sees so little of him but DS doesn’t really enjoy seeing him.

I was just annoyed this morning. DS’s behaviour has been pretty challenging recently. I keep reminding him that Santa is watching but his come back is that it’s okay because Santa always comes to dads house whether I’m good or naughty . Dad says I’m never naughty. Thing is daddy doesn’t see the behaviour we do on a daily basis.

^^ just to clarify. Santa’s
Never not visited DS on Christmas but I have used it around this time of year as I’m sure all parents do.

Yabu. It might be annoying, but you don't get to dictate how he does Christmas with his son. If it bothers you, you'll have to find strategies for dealing with it.

Also if the dad is as dreadful as you say, he will enjoy the fact that this winds you up (been there got the T-shirt) so the best thing you can do is NOT SHOW THAT THIS ANNOYS YOU. Otherwise, rather than things continuing as they are he could well ramp up the presents from santa just to piss you off.

Explain it's different in different houses. It's barely different than if he asks school friends what Santa brought for them.

YABVU. My DSD firmly believes Santa comes to both her houses. So does the tooth fairy etc.

You need to appreciate the fact that your ex does actually want to see your DC at Christmas and spend time and money with him.
Your frustrations about minimum contact throughout the year are just that, frustrating but theres very little you can do about it unless you want to go down the court route for a regular timetable or whatever.

You say your son is autistic so I would imagine he is used to the 'mums house ' and ' dads house ' situation if that is how it has always been. Children know that Father Christmas leaves presents at houses all over the world, there is no reason at all to tell your child or his dad that presents for your son can only be in one place, at your house, that's just ridiculous. Christmas Day changes for children each year they get older, it wont always be the same. Just go with it and let your son spend time with his dad.
What presents he gives are beyond your control. Do you comment on other people's gifts to him ?

You come across as controlling and quite angry in your posts. Your issues with your ex are between you two, keep your son out of it and stop wasting time and energy fretting over things you can do absolutely nothing about.

@2021optimist

Yabu. It’s Father Christmas, not ‘Santa’!

Santa is a contraction of St. Nicholas and a perfectly acceptable way to refer to Father Christmas.

@Twistered

You do presents whatever way suits you in your house. You cannot really dictate how your ex does presents in his house .

Absolutely. Apart from anything else.....it’s just a nice little story. It isn’t real and it doesn’t matter if your DS has two Santa visits. It’s some nice time for your son to have with his dad.

In these situations. I just don’t agree that all ex’s gifts come from Santa. Some of it is quite expensive. I believe most of it should be from the parents these days when different families have such a varied income.

The thing is, OP, you might not agree but what you believe is just that...what you believe. That doesn't mean that you get to dictate what your ex should do. If you're concerned that your ds needs a consistent approach, then you need to change your own approach because your ex clearly isn't planning to change his.

I'm not saying that it isn't annoying, merely that your way of doing Christmas is not the only way.

How old are the children?
Cannot you simply say - oh daddy got confused those presents are from him. By the time your son next sees his dad after Christmas it will be months and months so whatever you say or do doesn’t really matter

But I don’t like that DS has tons of presents from Santa there!

That's not your choice though. It's not neglect or abuse so you just have to put up with it, that's what it's like when parents live apart.

The only other thing is to say to his dad that he is getting really upset about not having presents from his dad

That sounds like a tough situation with your ex being the typical Disney Dad.

Regarding the Santa issue, we have told DD (she’s 5), that different families have different contracts with Santa - in our house Santa brings the stocking and a special present, and the other presents are from us/ family, but in other houses, Santa brings all the presents; some people have two Xmas celebrations/ some people don’t have a stocking etc. This hopefully explains why things are different in different houses. Maybe you could try something like that with your DS?

Many non resident parents are OTT at Christmas.
I missed DS age.
Thing's are different for him with a different dad there'll be times in your home when he feels the odd one out assuming your new partner is the other DC's dad.
Santa can definitely visit 2 homes in split families.

Kids can cope with this stuff.

We always had our presents on Xmas eve and never had a stocking. (German way).

Yes, some of my friends thought it was strange but I think every one of them has slightly different traditions.

It's up to you how you frame it. This is not a big deal.

Seriously, pick your battles...

YABVU. Whether you like it not, your ex’s house is your son’s home too. It’s irrelevant how often he goes there; he has two homes.

It’s also a broken home because his parents aren’t together and aren’t living together, and therefore have two homes.

You don’t get to dictate how Father Christmas is done at your ex’s house. All that backstory you’ve provided and lack of contact is completely irrelevant.

But that is what happens, you ask for things for people and they get dropped at your house and you take them to them when you see them.

We always take presents to our nieces and nephews that Santa left at our house for them

@Wolfiefan Father Christmas isn't real??? Are you sure? I saw him in a film on telly. He had a wife and elves, and everything. And once he visited my street on Christmas Eve and I asked him for a new husband. He said he might not be able to bring one that night, but if I found one during the year to remember who brought him. I had to wait until July....

I tell DS that all parents make their own arrangements with Santa. Our deal is that Santa delivers the presents from our family and friends so that they all get here at the right time, because Santa is a logistical expert. His team of elves probably also helped make some of them, but there were still chosen by us no way some jolly red man is getting all the credit. But other parents leave the whole thing up to Santa. And Santa can deliver to you wherever you are and there's a bit of leeway with days and timings because his customer service is excellent.

It's not DS's fault he has a shitbag Dad, it sounds like getting loads of presents is the only up side to it so just let him enjoy it.

@lockdownend sadly it’s not his home. He’s been there twice in the last year. Not just due to covid was going on before then too. His girlfriend doesn’t like DS going over but there’s another story altogether. If he sees him he just takes him out somewhere for a few hours. He doesn’t have any toys or bed there or anything. When he sees him at Christmas it’s often at his mum and dads house.

OP - you keep referring to your ‘ex’. He might be your ex-partner but he is not your DS’s ex-dad. He is very much his current and only dad and is as entitled as you to create myths and habits and traditions for his child.

I can understand it is annoying for you. You are carrying the daily burden of caring for his child and he just steps in when it suits him and showers him with gifts but this isn’t about you. It’s about your son. Surely it’s good that he at least has one special experience he can share with his dad every year? At least this way he will have a few happy memories of time with his parent.

Set your very obvious contempt for his father aside and accept that as different parents in different households you are going to have different rules and habits. That situation means it is absolutely impossible for everything to be the same across the board. Focus on how you deal with the differences rather than trying to force your ways onto another adult.

Tell him that parents can order extra from Father Christmas at a cost if they are not sure what to get or would prefer it if Father Christmas chose the presents?

OP - I have as ds with ASD. As a general comment, IME and my understanding is that it is a pretty blanket thing for most ASD kids, they don't tend to respond to consequences far in the future. They need immediate consequences for it to make sense to them. So 'Santa is watching' is utterly useless as a strategy. Personally I'd ditch that for a start.

It won't only be your ex who has all presents coming from Santa, so your DS will come across this with school fellows as well. I don't know if I missed how old your DS is? While mine still believed I told him that Santa tailors his gifts to the parents income, that parents had to make a contribution where he brought all presents (which may not work if your ex won't co-operate), and in prep for him stopping believing before his younger siblings and having zero filter... I told them all that Santa comes to children who need him to, but at some point most children feel that they don't need him anymore and at that point he hands over to the parents - so that some children in a house may get their stockings/presents from parents while others still get theirs from Santa.

Polar Express is useful in backing that one up, with the bell that only believers can hear but everyone still gets gifts.

I have a non present ex who showers dc with gifts randomly, and I totally get the frustration of it. But you as the parent have to put that aside and not get yourself in a knot about what you can't do anything about. It is useless to try to reason with that sort of person - so it's really be set for you and ds to just work around exs present giving strategy/tradition.

Waiting around on Xmas day to see if his dad wants him however would be damaging to a NT child, and even more so for an ASD child, do I think your idea of not sending ds til Boxing Day is a very good one - in the interests of your ds. I would do that myself.

Good luck.