To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

@pennypinchh are you a troll? If so, fuck off. If not, you seriously need to give your head a wobble. ALL parents suffer because of sleep deprivation, and having two little ones is hard work.
Op: I have a 22 month old and a just turned four month old. Some days, I find myself counting the minutes until bedtime! Some days I go to bed just after I've tucked my eldest up. Some days I do not feel like Mary Poppins.
Please don't beat yourself up. You sound like a lovely, caring mum. Just focus on enjoying the lovely stage you're at with your girls.

How was your own childhood, OP.
It might be worth having counselling, they could explain reasons for extreme rage.

@pennypinchh

Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mum? Not every woman is suited to motherhood. Poor babies being yelled at in their formative years.

Lots of us are not perfect mums but good enough mums. And once they are here we can't push them back. They are not poor babies if they are happy well cared for children.

You went through bad times OP but you still loved your babies, fed them properly, kept them clean and warm and you do remember happy times too. Don't punish yourself. You can't go back and change things just be a good, loving, supportive mum to growing children. These are the years they will remember.

@ScotchBunnet It’s an opinion- some people are not naturally maternal, it’s a fact. Some people become mothers under the notion that it might click for them and sometimes it never does-and that’s perfectly alright- what isn’t alright is to subject your young children to swearing etc up til their toddlers years. If you saw it in the street or on a tv programme you’d think it was disgusting but because op did it at home, somehow it’s alright.

Can I ask that we remember this next time we get told a man has shouted at his baby over bedtime drama before we all pile on to say that shouting at babies is inexcusable and advise the OP to LTB?

@FourPlatinumRings
I'll do that the day a man gives birth and does exclusive breastfeeding all night every night for months on end, thanks.

Speaking as the exW of a man who shouted at his babies; I should have LTB the first time he did it. It's a huge red flag.

OP, it sounds as if you had undiagnosed PND.

Could I ask what made you think of all of this just now?

If you've made steps to change your behaviour and no longer shout or intimidate your children, then I think it's time to make peace with the past and move on.

My DM used to shout and scream throughout my childhood (and well into my early adulthood). She eventually got the therapy she needed and has apologised for her behaviour. Like a PP, I still flinch when I sense someone is angry with me, but I think that's because the experience was so prolonged (20 years of outbursts).

But, I never doubted for a second that my DM loves me and did her absolute best for me and my brothers. She had no support network, my dad was working long hours, and she had 3 children to look after. The older I get, the more I understand all the work she put in to give us opportunities and happiness that she never received herself. I've forgiven her completely and understand her as just being a human at the end of her tether.

I'm sure your children will either a) not remember their experiences as babies, or b) come to forgive you if you have changed your behaviours.

Please be kind to yourself, and don't let these past experiences ruin your experience of motherhood now

@pennypinchh

Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mum? Not every woman is suited to motherhood. Poor babies being yelled at in their formative years.

Oh do fuck off with your judgemental shit.

I’ve raised 6 kids and now I’m raising 2 of my grandchildren OP. I’ve screamed into pillows. I’ve snapped at them at times. I’ve cried with sheer exhaustion and exasperation.

I’m also a foster carer who has willingly admitted this to Social Services, worrying that it might make me unsuitable. They laughed, honestly! A few instances of pure emotional outbursts does not make a bad or abusive parent. It makes you a tired or depressed one.

There is a world of difference between a constant barrage of emotional abuse at a child and the occasional outburst of exasperation.

And incidentally OP what your DH should have done, instead of berating you is to gently suggested you rest whilst he changed the nappy.

You’re doing great xxx

OP,

You sound like you are at a point where you are ready to reflect and process that phase in your earlier life. Perhaps therapy will help you explore further what might have been happening at that time to make you feel what you did and react as you did. (Expectations of being a Mother, support you had around you, other responsibilities you might have been juggling)

Nobody knows the full story about whether your children have any extra emotional needs now because of those early relationship difficulties other than you and your family and maybe, if you see them as well adjusted, settled etc that can help you to move on from this.

If you are noticing that they perhaps have particular insecurities or other struggles out of the typical development 'norm', you might want to explore with a professional whether it is linked to their early years and the issues you faced as a new Mother.

Holding on to that feeling of being a terrible Mother can be consuming and attacking yourself for something that occurred in the past is futile. You can't change the past, but you can change how you feel about the past, with the right help and support.

OP would it perhaps help you to channel your regret and what you've learned into something productive? There's the Beyond Sleep Training Project, for example - google it. It criticises the way the whole baby sleep industry has created such a culture of unnecessarily obsessing with babies sleep, strict routines, sleep training that supposedly justifies ignoring your children's needs and can therefore make you feel more distant from them etc. It sounds like this pressure also compounded the difficult time you were having at that time. Maybe you could support this project or help spread the word? (I'm not associated with them, just find it important myself too)

some people are not naturally maternal, it’s a fact.

Are you incapable of telling the difference between the statements ‘some people are not naturally maternal’ and ‘maybe you weren’t meant to be a mum’?

Like, to you, are those two statements the same?

You were exhausted and maybe had PND. Those early years are so tough. pennypinchh will be stuck like that forever however

@pennypinchh

Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mum? Not every woman is suited to motherhood. Poor babies being yelled at in their formative years.

You are a fucking idiot

OP I yelled at my son before when he was a baby, he's older now and I feel guilty sometimes. He doesn't remember it and he knows how much I love him, he's my everything. But god it was hard, no sleep is a form of torture, literally! It's not always perfect and sometimes we make mistakes and things we regret. You can't change the past, don't beat yourself up x

It sounds like you were sleep deprived and lacking in support.

Having said that, I do think some of the things you said and did (swearing at an ill baby) are disturbing... But we all make mistakes and I know I lost my rag with my child when he was younger.

Sounds like you had PND and that's not your fault and doesn't make you a bad mum. I don't believe that any parent hasn't lost their temper at some time. I know I have and it's much worse when you're tired.
Be kind to yourself. It didn't affect your children. You have 8 close bond with them. Don't let the past ruin all the good things in the future. You sound like a lovely mum.

OP, my baby is now 15 weeks and my gosh it is hard! At times I feel I'm only just surviving with my wits intact. Last night I had to hand my baby to my OH and just clean for an hour in silence. My career is in an extremely high-stress setting and I thought I would cope fine with a baby but at times I feel like I'm teetering one the edge of a break-down. I think hindsight is a wonderful thing and I just wanted to send you a message from the coal face if you will to say be kind to the you back then, you were surviving. Your babies sound like happy and healthy children and what you went through in their early years has made you more attune to them and your relationship now. Sending lots of best wishes to you x

@Notmyusual80 I honestly would just focus on the now..just look at how far you've come and the relationship you have with DC now. Just let go and forgive yourself.
I had a really hard time with my first-living in an abusive relationship in a country where i had no friends or family and no way to leave the situ and take my DD.
I had the sweetest baby in the world-she was a little bundle of joyfulness but I couldnt see a point in my life and felt suicidal. I definitely wasn't there emotionally (or physically sometimes) fortunately I had no energy for anger-just incredible self-loathing. I've thought about the times i lay in bed crying or just staring at the wall as she cried. I have never told anyone IRL. I think people would find it hard to reconcile what our family unit looks like with those early images...

@pennypinchh

Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mum? Not every woman is suited to motherhood. Poor babies being yelled at in their formative years.

That's ball shit. Of course you are the perfect parent...

Op you have my complete sympathy. Sleep deprivation lowers our ability to emotionally regulate. Probably one of the reasons it's used a a method of torture! I had 2 terrible sleepers and was irritable and snappy at times during the baby years ( in fact still can be!). You are human.

I've been so angry I put my screaming baby in the cot and walked out several times. I've also shouted at them and really wanted to throw them out of the window ( after 3 hours of baby continuous screaming and tried everything to soothe). I know many people pushed to the edge by a high needs non sleeping baby.

I've spoken to friends who have had calm, generally good sleeping baby and/or plenty of support from partner/ grandparents and they cannot recognise those feelings.

But look at where you are. You have 2 children you have a good relationship with. Lose the guilt and focus on what's happening now. If you are still struggling consider counselling.

@pennypinchh

Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mum? Not every woman is suited to motherhood. Poor babies being yelled at in their formative years.

That is so incredibly unkind. I really think you should reflect on what you said there and wonder why you felt the need to say something so awful

Have some negative posters here not read the "rupture and repair" concept, and the concept of the "good enough" mother being healthier for children than a seemingly perfect one?

Obviously there is a line between abuse. But the OP was being reactionary and yelling. Not ideal with tiny babies but I have been up all through the night with my ten year old and admit to at one point shouting "come on!" When he woke up for the 8th time.

He didn't notice at all, what he did respond to was the literal hours spent cuddling him, holding him, rocking him and singing to him.

I'm sure OP that you weren't devoid of affection for your children. It sounds like you are getting on much better now x

What is done is done. Are you kind to your children now? I would concentrate on that

Sleep deprivation buggers your brain. It really does. Some people are affected worse than others

I think you need to forgive yourself. It’s time to make peace with it. You were exhausted and doing your best and your children safe and cared for.

@pennypinchh

Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mum? Not every woman is suited to motherhood. Poor babies being yelled at in their formative years.

Well that comment was totally unnecessary or helpful in any way