To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

Just to say thanks to this thread I've called my dr to talk about my mental health.

Thank you @Notmyusual80

@OhToBeASeahorse hope you're ok and I'm so glad to read that this thread has helped - had no idea the way I felt would resonate with so many others. x

And therein lies the problem. We all think we are failing and everyone else is smashing it

Babies are very hard work.
My first DS was an angel. The easiest baby and toddler. My second DS was and is a nightmare. He challenges us on everything, has a short fuse, is stubborn and often spiteful. He is very hard work all the time. Some days I feel like throwing in the towel and just leaving. That gives me serious guilt the next day when I've calmed down. I feel like an awful mother frequently. How can I possibly even consider leaving my children.
Then I realised that being a mother is the most demanding and trying job in the world. Every child is different and presents its own challenges.
I have to remember - on a daily basis - to not be soo hard on myself and revel in the little things that make me happy.
When he's not being difficult; DS2 is a happy, helpful and loving child that I adore with all my heart.

I think the fact that you recognise how you were compared to how you are now goes a long way. Make the most of the little things that make you smile and above all; give yourself a break!

Hi there,
I don't think you're going to be helping yourself or in the long run your lovely children by being too mindful of this.

Also know that this actually happens for others too, who are long time parent/carers but also partners/carers, who for one reason or another have to attend day in and day out to go onto night in and night out after a day of complete exhaustion.
They, too are not monsters just not machines with no help around
for years and years and sadly there have been many newer cases
of such coming about because of COV 19 affecting people's
mental ability and made lifelong affects for the worse and leaving them in need of care.

Just enjoy what you have and be so pleased that you have them
and yourself well.
Take care, stay safe.

Op you sound like you were suffering from post natal depression. The sleep deprivation and the new mum anxiety can result in exhaustion, that manifests as pure anger -I felt in the same situation. Don't feel guilty, you have been through enough - use this experience to help educate others. If anyone reading this recognises these feelings in themselves, go to your doctor. Don't allow the stigma of mental health and anti-depressants stop you from seeking help. I personally can vouch for the difference anti-depressants can make in your life - but luckily for me I had a wonderful female doctor who gently persuaded me to try them over several appointments. Things could have been so different if I'd had a less empathetic doctor. This thread is so important OP - thank you for posting

Thank you @mummymayo1988 @mumsmaur and @disneybee, that's very kind. And I must admit, it does make me feel a bit better to know this might be helping other mums.

Thank you for being so honest and sharing. Have you thought about talking to a counsellor/ therapist about your feelings? I grew up with a mother that had a lot of anger and honestly it has affected me in the long run. It's interesting that you talk a lot about your feelings and not whether you notice a change in your kids behaviour. Could it be that you're trying to figure something out about yourself or your own childhood? All I can say is that motherhood is something that really test us as human beings for better/for worse and it's a constant learning experience about ourselves as we grow older into it. Don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that you are reflecting on this is really positive.

I saw this post but it took a while to read it because I saw a few things I do and it made for uncomfortable reading.
OP how brave of you to post this. The fact that you care and think about it now shows you are not a monster, just a mum trying to do her best. I hope you can forgive yourself and focus on your closeness with your children now.

There's that much advice that you feel like you're failing if your children don't do what the article says or if you don't follow that advice.
I remember trying to follow a sleep routine but my children just weren't like that and that's ok.
I find myself shouting and losing my temper sometimes especially as my 5yo is getting harder to manage and is tired at the end of the term. Your post made me think again and resolve to be more patient. Thank you 💐