To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

I have 3dc and they do get told off and some days I have lost my shit on the verge of leaving them with DP when their well and truly on one an I need to breath - as they fight loads with each other and it drives me insaneeeee but I wouldnt change it hence why I have walked out an left with DP why I maybe run the shop to have some fresh air. We're not perfect

Maybe you could of done with more support op. Aslong as their okay it's all that matters x

I came here to mention rupture and repair, as a couple of others also have. And to point out that the people around you who could have been well placed to support you seem to have chosen, at your lowest moments, to criticise you instead; I may be projecting here since I am going on so little, but definitely for me, the rage of exhaustion was compounded by the fact that my critical mother had left me with a critical inner voice, which I didn’t really spot until I was desperately seeking the inner reserves of kindness that my baby needed. Recognising that has helped me fill the gaps and become the mother I wanted to be. I’ve had to learn to be kind to myself in order to be kind to my children, and that was hard going because of the critical inner voice thing. I am mentioning all this because “I wanted to shake you” and dredging up your difficult moments in an unsupportive way sounds like really shit behaviour from your mother tbh. My relationship with my own mother is improving all the time but I’ve stopped risking conversations that can be this painful; it feels like giving her ammunition to hurt me, and I’m not the nurturing mother I want to be when I’m preoccupied with my own hurt.

Occasionally I circle back to the things I got wrong when DC1 was small, and have an urge to confess and receive absolution from him. I don’t do that - it’s not fair to put that on a child! - but I use it as a time to check on whether I’m being the mother I want to be now, and also whether I’m in need of emotional support myself.

"Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mum? Not every woman is suited to motherhood. Poor babies being yelled at in their formative years."

Try showing some tact. No parent is perfect. The OP feels remorse for her past actions. A baby doesn't come with a manual when they are born. A lot of trial and error is involved.

I think calling a baby or toddler a dirty bastard because they have a dirty nappy is awful. And shouting and screaming at such young kids isn't great at all. As long as you've changed now and realise your mistakes I think you should forgive yourself though, they won't remember and as long as you love them and show them that every day they will be perfectly fine.

I agree with others, sleep deprivation is unlike anything I have ever experienced & it turned me into a mother I never thought that I would be. You are not a bad mum, we all do thinks out of frustration, especially if you are not sleeping. I look back & feel bad on how I coped with early motherhood.. my son didn't start sleeping through until well over 1 years old & that hit me very hard, especially as I was working full time. You need to forgive yourself & concentrate on your children & how you are as a mother now

I don't think anything can prepare you for the sheer exhaustion motherhood brings especially with no 1.

Motherhood is amazing and I love it but it can be nonstop especially on top of housework and work.

I have no family nearby and i would've loved in the early days to have my mum come round and take the baby for a couple of hours even whilst I slept.

I would recommend counselling op. You need to deal with your feelings and your anger, and guilt with someone that is qualified to help you.

Clearly you were not supported or helped enough in those early days, and you were struggling to cope.

The fact you have acknowledged it now, and have shown remorse is a hugely brave thing to do. All you can do now is be the most wonderful mother you can be to them now, be patient, kind, playful and loving every day. They will remember their time with you now, and their childhood every day - so this is the time to make it count.

Be kind to yourself, you were a struggling mother doing her best. What she needed was hug and a break op - so don't keep beating yourself up.

@pennypinchh

Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mum? Not every woman is suited to motherhood. Poor babies being yelled at in their formative years.

This is an awful thing to say. I've no idea if that goes against guidelines but I hope it gets deleted.

@lovelilies

Interested to read this thread as right now, I'm the awful mum. Mine are 4,6 and 15 but jesus christ they are irritating the shit out of me. Every day I vow I won't shout, but within minutes I've lost it over some minor misdemeanor. I didn't use to be like this, I don't know what's happened. They're no worse behaved than any other kids, angels at school! The NOISE and the whining and just everything is crippling me right now and I end up really screaming at them and I hate myself for it! So, you're not alone, and I'm here for the tips too

I totally agree we all loose out shit and shout

I have tonsillitis so bad iv been really ill and yesterday dd was screaming at me. Ds wouldn't go the toilet just to be a turd as he wasn't getting my full attention so was all over my floor and they was both been nasty to the baby and trashing everything they could. I did scream and loose my shit so I had to walk away! They know I love them crazily as they never leave my side and I do everhtnin with them and for them but they definitely don't return the favour when I'm dieing hahaha xx

YABU - don't be unkind to yourself.

Sleep deprivation is dreadful - that is why it is a recognised method of torture. Add this to the hormonal mix postpartum - and very probably unrecognised post-natal depression, too, and it's not surprising that some women find it all very hard to cope with.

I'll bet you were trying to keep up your housekeeping standards at home and berating yourself about that, too.

You are not a monster. You are a human being who found herself at the very end of her tether and did the best she could.

It's not good to yell at a baby - I won't pretend it is - but sometimes emotions just bubble over. You didn't shake or hit or throw your children. Awful as it sounds, perhaps that yelling was the release that kept them physically safe.

You obviously love them or you wouldn't feel guilty. There is a lot that I would do differently if I had my "baby time" over again - but we all do the best we can with the hand we have been dealt.

Your children are well, healthy and loved. Give yourself a hug for that.

I think OP has enough self awareness to realise that things could have been done differently.

However what really matters in the work invested in to her children now as there is no point crucifying herself over the past which she can’t change.

OP there are some fantastic gentle parenting books and pod casts. One of my favourite books is called raising girls by Steve Biddulph. He ask does a boys one to.

My eldest is 25. I was very young and made loads of mistakes that I look back on and still worry about. I’m a much different and better parent through maturity, experience and a willingness to explore how I can be that ‘good’ parent. My parents were totally shit and I didn’t have much to go off. Not all of us had great role models or the ability to be Mary Poppins from day one.

It’s unbelievable how much this resonates with me (from the obsession with sleep, to the fact my first born was a wonderful easy-going daughter, and my second born was a terrible terrible sleeper and is a boy). I most definitely had PND with my first.

I look back all the time and I hate myself for the amount I stressed out about their sleep...it sent me demented. I was routine-obsessed and any little deviation made me panic and short-tempered. I was obviously very unwell on reflection.

Sleep aside, I adore my children. I always assumed I’d return to work, but I loved being with them so much that I unexpectedly gave up my career to be a SAHM. Everything I do is for them and we all have a wonderful relationship.

I try and reconcile it by accepting that not everyone loves the newborn / baby stage and that I (and most likely you) had undiagnosed PND. The other benefit is that they are both wonderful, wonderful sleepers now. I try and laugh at myself when I look back at how mad I was...I certainly don’t pretend it didn’t happen.

Sorry, this probably isn’t much help, but rest assured, you are not alone and I do also look back with huge regret and shame. All I can do now is learn from it and try and be as patient as I can with them (although easier said than done sometimes!).

@pennypinchh I think that's really mean and lacks empathy. I think OP you are
being veryhonest and I can certainly empathise with what you are saying - being a mum of young babies is HARD. The important thing is you now know that you could have done things differently. Did you have much support at the time? Could you have had PND?

Focus on where you are now, your current behaviour and relationship with your kids and don't beat yourself up about what happened a long time ago.

If you can't get over it and find yourself ruminating on it then it might be worth getting some professional help.

The mum you are to your kids now is what's most important.

You don't sound horrible to me at all. Just a stressed out mum to a baby... I certainly swore at my baby when he was tiny. Hard not to tbh when you're shattered and have nothing left in the tank to even consider more appropriate ways of dealing with situations. My close knit NCT group often admitted to doing the same thing so I didn't feel I was particularly evil! At the end of the day, he was a baby and thankfully won't remember me getting stressed or swearing and I would have done absolutely anything for him and loved him fiercely. I just got a bit stressed sometimes!

Oh op. Don’t beat yourself up. I think the fact you can admit to this and are feeling guilty means you are a good mum. Bad mums wouldn’t have written this post. Don’t feel guilty though, I assume things are easier now? I can relate somewhat. I don’t feel I was the best mother. I had my son when I was young and a single mum. My son was fed, cared for, clean and always had clean clothes etc but I felt like I didn’t interact with him enough. Was never good at baby talk etc, I didn’t take him to baby groups and I got real bad anxiety about them, sometimes I would always walk for hours in his pram because it’s the only time he would sleep or stay calm. I often couldn’t handle it when he cried or screamed! General he was a pretty chilled baby but when he screamed he screamed.

You tried your best, you’ve admitted to struggling at times. I assume things are easier now they are older.

As a mother myself I don’t think I was suited to the baby age. My babies were cared for but I just didn’t bond fully with them particularly my first as above. It was a little easier with Dd. I find it a lot easier now they are older (9&5).

pennypinch you were hurt and now you’re deliberately hurting the OP because of that and seem to take satisfaction in it.

That is the legacy of abuse and you need to become conscious and aware - through therapy - because I’d be very surprised if you haven’t visited your unprocessed rage on many others - including, if you have any, your children.

I have a few very clear memories of being a toddler and being shouted at to go to sleep and one occasion I’m sure it was a very loud ‘go to fucking sleep’.
This from my dad who is one of the most gentlest and kindest people. I was an absolute terror with sleep. Always up, always crying for about four years, apparently my dad kept falling asleep in the office. I also have clear memories of both parents singing, reading and even dancing me to sleep.

Parents are humans and they snap sometimes. It’s had no affect on my very good relationship with my parents now or on my life.

People snap and parents are not perfect, they’re is no point in dwelling on the past. Yes some studies show negative effects on shouting at babies. However I doubt that was the only way you interacted with them and it was every night. Also it sounds like you interacted with them in very positive ways as infants. Focus on now and your relationships with them now, which sound good 😀

I agree with Hazel there. I’ve known a few women who got all chewed up over sleep/nap times to the point of being fraught, controlling and completely disproportionate about it. I always wondered why they think it matters so much. They’re convinced there will be carnage if baby sleeps or wakes at the ‘wrong’ time...but babies are, to my mind, quite unpredictable and you’ve got allow for a certain amount of disruption to your all important schedule if you’re going to have one.

I was a go with the flow, as and when mum when mine were babies. All three fell into a natural routine of sleeping through most of the night pretty quickly. I never worried if they were an hour ‘late’ to settle for a nap or if they dropped off ‘early’. I adapted. I couldn’t understand why other mums got themselves so torn up over routines.
I realise it takes all sorts and we are all different in our approach...I never said a word of course...but no, I didn’t worry about sleep or feeding like others seemed to. They sleep when they’re tired and eat when they’re hungry. It’s how babies are.

Your children are still young and you have plenty of time to make up for what you see as your faults but (what actually sounds like stress) when they were babies. Caring for a baby can be really stressful-especially if it’s your first and you’re trying to do everything “right” but you don’t have the experience. It’s a very tiring time, an emotional time, and people can be affected differently by it. Don’t compare yourself to your friend, and don’t beat yourself up about it. What will that change? You have said that you never hurt your babies, that you took care of them, that there were enjoyable times with them, so it was not all bad. Live in the present and focus on your parenting right now. My mother used to shout at us at times-there were five of us, she was working full time also, so I’m sure there were times when she was really stressed. I certainly don’t hold her shouting against her now and I always had a good relationship with her as I know she was doing her best for us as children, even if her being exhausted made her irritable and “shouty” at times. Look on your past experiences as lessons to be learned from re future behaviour, forgive yourself, move on and enjoy your children!

@pennypinchh

Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mum? Not every woman is suited to motherhood. Poor babies being yelled at in their formative years.

Imagine reading OPs post and thinking "I know exactly how I can personally make this entire situation better..." and then posting this. What a nasty little individual.

I’ve reached the conclusion since becoming a mother that the nuclear family just isn’t the best thing for babies and small children. And even older children. It puts way too much pressure on parents, particularly the primary carer (usually the mother) because it’s just relentless. In cultures where there’s extended family living in the same household or close by there’s someone to hand the baby to a bit more and other adults the toddler can run to. Not a particularly helpful comment, given that’s not how most people in the West live and it’s not going to help, but I think it’s important to recognise that much of this PND, being overwhelmed by motherhood etc just isn’t surprising as I don’t think it’s how we are made to live as human animals. So hard for the mothers, sad for the little ones. I feel guilty about getting cross with my children too :(

@Moonagedaydreem

OP I've tortured myself over how I treated my DC when they were little. I shouted and screamed at them. I remember throwing my DDs doll down the stairs in rage and she was horrified. I hate myself for it. I know now that I was depressed and unable to cope. I had very little support.

I never ever shout now, and I have a lovely relationship with them. I wish I didn't do some of the things that did but nothing can change that now. I've spoken to my teenage DD about it and she doesn't remember. She hugged me and told me I was silly to think about the bad times when all she remembers is good times.

It'll be ok OP 💐

I've been in the same situation as you. I've had help since and made huge progress and barely recognise who I was then. My little boy is still too young to tell me whether he remembers it, but my focus is on showing him how amazing I think he is every day. I still get angry sometimes but don't lose my temper - I've somehow learned how to repackage it and use the energy to shower even more attention on him

I had a shouter as a mum, and have tried ( not always successfully) to be different with my kids. My general feeling about my childhood is positive though, as my mum didn't just shout and get cross, she also showed a lot of love and I have many positive memories to outweigh it. Please stop torturing yourself op. I'm far from damaged and my relationship with my mum is good.

Great post So true.

@Fuckingterriblemum What a poignant and difficult memory. I'm so sorry you've carried that all these years. I can understand why that would be so difficult and sad.

But what stands out is your incredible level of awareness and introspection now. You understand exactly how your son felt and what you did wrong. That shows that real sensitivity and love. I'm sure your son is fine and has benefited from the lessons and patience you've gained over the years. I hope you're able to release this burden.