To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

I can relate to being irritable and feeling so worn out and would sometimes mutter a swear word but I have to say I wasn't permanently angry and didn't take my own stress out any of the kids. If you still get enraged then what about therapy or anger management? There is/was clearly something not quite right and tackling it would help you come to terms with how you feel now
I felt so sad reading your OP

OP I've tortured myself over how I treated my DC when they were little. I shouted and screamed at them. I remember throwing my DDs doll down the stairs in rage and she was horrified. I hate myself for it. I know now that I was depressed and unable to cope. I had very little support.

I never ever shout now, and I have a lovely relationship with them. I wish I didn't do some of the things that did but nothing can change that now. I've spoken to my teenage DD about it and she doesn't remember. She hugged me and told me I was silly to think about the bad times when all she remembers is good times.

It'll be ok OP 💐

@pennypinchh please stop judging & Berating op for being candid about difficult time

I could have written every word you've said, OP. I have tried very hard to put things right. My kids are primary and middle school age and we are very close; they still drive me insane sometimes and I still shout sometimes, and do you know what? It's ok. None of us are perfect, and sleep deprivation and the chaos of those younger years is a tough combination. Be kind to yourself.

You are not a monster. You asked 'what does a monster sound like?'.
I think @pennypinchh has demonstrated that well.

It is obvious penny is in a jam about something - why else would she be so vile? Or should that be seville? Yes, mama laid into the dc but it wasn't a concentrated effort and she was rarely sour. At the time, she was going out of her rind. Since then, OP has been able to preserve her calmness. Penny clearly has a pip on her shoulder and it is not a-peel-ing.

Don't agree with Pennypinch by any means, but I think it's derailing the thread at this point NGL.

Hi Op I think your experiences of motherhood and reactions are quite normal, I admire your honesty about yourself.

You are a good enough mother,nobody is perfect,

The fact you have regrets wishing you could have been better,lived up to being society's idea of idealized prefect shows me, that you care greatly about your children,but perhaps didn't get enough good support and you could have been quite young having children such as late teens or early twenties, still finding your own identity,way in life.

I think that society promotes idea of idealized idea of motherhood,
Which can be a quite a struggle to live up to, especially the shock to the system of mental torture of sleepiness nights,

Also what is unhealthy in our society also is the pressure of women being expected often mostly the pressure of having to do all/most of child care with little or not enough support base, and in isolation, such as being stuck in house all the time, no relief of having a break, which you would get at work situation.
In fact its a bit of shock to some men, when they discover being a looking after a baby , is not easy,its bloody hard work,they releaze being at work is easier.

Frankly its unhealthy this society expection is of perfect motherhood and creats PND, there has been books written about this.

Thank you Op for your honesty I feel the same way about myself as a mother too like you do.

You expressing yourself so honestly has made me realized I am not the only one who feels this way,too.

And its Ok to feel like this, and not be perfect.

Thank you,
xxx

I say cut yourself some slack. I’m sure we’ve all been grumpy with our kids when we’re sleep deprived. It’s in the past, it can’t be changed and it sounds like they’re happy and loved.

It sounds like Post partum depression to me. I had the anger thing too - I was lucky that my husband sent me off to the gp to get some meds and a psychologist referral and it helped. After my second baby it happened again. I was able to recognise it and go on meds, and almost right away, things got better. It sounds to me like you slipped through the cracks and didn’t get the help you needed. People don’t like talking about the rage feeling that can come with PPD, and you probably didn’t know it was a sign. Sorry that you went through this and have been carrying it with you. You could always try seeing a specialist counsellor that works with Postpartum and try to work through it now.

My mother screamed at me, hit me, broke my toys, tore my books and I vowed I’d be endlessly lovely to my children. And my god I found it hard when they were small. I recognise myself in what you are saying OP. And I have a lovely relationship with them, and think I am, overall, a good mother. I think you can be a good mother at different stages. I know I am not good for the first six weeks. I’m pretty good as a mother to teens though, I think.

@pennypinchh bloody hell now insensitive are you?

OP you sound perfectly normal. I had a similar experience and dd is now 9 and I am forgiving myself slowly. Don't dwell on it. I'm sure all the great moments have more than made up for sleep deprived carnage which is babies. I found it incredibly difficult and didn't recognise myself at all. Be kind to yourself.

Sounds like you were really struggling OP-
I’m so sorry.

It’s not easy to raise babies these days - we can feel so isolated.

I’m sending hugs.

@pennypinchh

Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mum? Not every woman is suited to motherhood. Poor babies being yelled at in their formative years.

@pennypinchh ODFO!

Some people respond really badly to sleep deprivation. It can trigger very severe PND. You have my sympathy. It's really not within your control. You really do have to forgive yourself now.It's past. You clearly love them and you have all survived. Children have thrived through far worse than that. Don't dwell on it.

Name changed for this. But I’m going through the same thing now OP.

There’s one memory in particular that haunts me. My husband travelled for work often at this point, and I was home alone with the baby and my eldest. I woke up in the middle of the night when my toilet trained eldest nearly 3 toilet trained - to the sound of water running. When I went to check, in the bathroom the tap was on and a soiled nappy on the floor, there was a trail of wet tissue on the floor leading to my eldest’s room where I found him on his hands and knees scrubbing poo off the floor. All I could feel was rage - anger that he woke me up, that he didn’t go to poo in the toilet, that he had made mess on the floor trying to clean up after himself. And so I proceeded to shout at him in the middle of the night and of course he got really upset - in my mind at the time he was just throwing a tantrum and being naughty.

Of course now I look back I can’t believe myself. How scared must my poor boy have been to try and tiptoe around me rather than come and tell me he had an accident. To try and clean up after himself with toilet paper and tissue - of course he couldn’t tell me because he knew my reaction would be anger. To be told off for something he couldn’t control. I’m ashamed to say this happened a lot- I got angry all the time for him just being a child and existing basically. I wish I could turn back the clock.

Sadly I didn’t recognise how awful I was until I realised how much nicer I was to my second child. I now know I had PND with my first. I hated almost every moment of the early stages of motherhood with him and this was made worse by the fact he was a terrible terrible sleeper and cried what felt was all the time. I remember when he was admitted to hospital at 3 weeks old - he was pretty much limp not moving, crying, eating, or drinking - and I just felt indifference. My mum told me it was ok to cry I didn’t need to be strong - and my first thought was “oh am I meant to be upset?”. Yet even at this point I didn’t recognise I had PND - I just put it down to being an unemotional person. I didn’t feel overwhelming love for him in fact for long time I didn’t feel any love just duty and obligation. But now I look back at those hospital photos of him just lying there- skinnier than his birthweight and just a pile of bones and wrinkled skin- I get so upset and can’t believe I didn’t care at the time.

I don’t know why I’m saying this except to say you’re not alone. When my child is older I’ll talk to him and apologise and ask him to forgive me for my angry and uncontrolled behaviour when he was young. He’s such a good, kind boy and deserves a better mother than me

OP please ignore @pennypinchh who is having an absolute failure of empathy and is on some kind of spiteful mission to make you pay for what appear to be failings in her own upbringing.

It sounds like you might have been struggling with PND - anger is a symptom, and you were clearly going through a very difficult time despite your obvious love for your children. It sounds like you’re in a better place now, but I hope you have some support in dealing with how you feel about the past

My marriage broke up when my youngest DC was a newborn and a difficult new born. 3 court cases later in the next 12 months, finances at the limit etc by the time DC was 2 life was pretty crap. DC is a happy child.

The marriage breakdown (DV) was not my fault and I couldn't of seen it coming. I did the best I could.

Likewise be kind to yorself -I would strongly say that you had trauma and PND -I'm being kind to me to.

Just maybe look into counselling. A baby is not going to remember a comment. My youngest DC was a beyond difficult newborn and I remember being on my own after DV and my marriage over and a difficult career and thinking I just wanted to die -I spent most nights suicidal - counselling has made me see things differently -actually the fact I pulled through and made a strong family unit -is despite what happened and due to my own resilience.

You go from being a person in your own right to a person with all the responsibility for another being, and a being who can't tell you what they need or want. And yes grandma or DH are around but you know the buck stops with you. I think it's quite overwhelming for some and not how it was meant to be for humans.
Depending on your personality and mental well-being, depending on the baby the first weeks/ Months can be like torture. My first had colic, worst days of my life. I always cut people some slack if things were bad at this time.

From the title I thought I was going to read you locked them in a dark cupboard and then got drunk while ignoring the screams.

You were anxious about sleep and you overreacted a bit. It's not great but it's over now and the relationship you have with them now will be more important.

It's lovely we're all being so understanding with OP. Can I ask that we remember this next time we get told a man has shouted at his baby over bedtime drama before we all pile on to say that shouting at babies is inexcusable and advise the OP to LTB?

OP you sound the exact same as me. DP also used to tell me off for the way I spoke to them particularly my youngest when he woke in the night. I was horrible, snappy and said some awful things to him.

I don't feel I'm a monster, I feel bad about not coping very well of course but I know I always cared. I know he didn't understand the words I was saying and I know he is loved beyond measure. He's two now and showered with love and attention and I don't think those nights where I was struggling to cope with demands of everything will impact on him.

I know you’re here for sympathy OP. But to go on years being vile to your children- up to the point where they are toddlers is not right? Swearing at your babies for being ill or pooing? I know people here will say it’s normal or a symptom of PND but honestly it sounds like you were at times abusive. Hopefully they won’t remember it now and you can make it up by being a good mum now. I honestly can’t believe that you were so horrid to your own babies.

@scotchbunnet Your message is contradictory. It’s fine having an open conversation about PND- but let’s not minimise the effects on small children who are being sworn at etc (especially when they’re ill!). Also other users are allowed to give their opinions, as are you- doesn’t mean anyone is wrong.