To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

@pennypinchh

Haven't studies shown that it affects brain development or something?

Give yourself peace ffs

I can't even be bothered to reply to the comments pennypinchh who just seems like a troll... You are clearly not a bad person, as others have said, you wouldn't feel so awful if you were! It sounds like you did lots of lovely things with your children, but are feeling guilty so focusing on the bad. Please don't. It is so hard being a parent and we are not perfect, you love your children and you are the best mum they will ever have!

I agree with a lot of whats already been said. A. Could have been a symptom of undiagnosed PND B. Regardless, early motherhood is a fucking shitshow, and the biggest lie ever told to women C. By mother had the quickest temper, she shouted a lot. I still flinch if I sense someone is irritated by me. My love for her is only eclipsed by the love she had for me. She was absolutely 100% devoted to me and my sister. And I loved and still love her to bits. Her parenting wasn't perfect, neither is mine, neither is yours. And neither is the person's who never shouts at their kids. Nobody gets it right.

OP my daughter has numerous severe disabilities and frequently wakes at midnight or 1am/2am for the rest of the night. She is 3.
I don’t shout at her but by Christ I feel like it when she bites me or head buts my face.
I have learned it’s good to put her down and walk away, come back and try again.
I’m an older mum (now 45) and here’s the truth I know... if I hadn’t had my first daughter die at full term I’d be exactly like you. Exactly.
For Christ’s sake repeated lack of sleep is a form of torture used for that purpose for a reason. It’s dreadful.
And sure you say things like “oh please shut the fuck up” etc because if you didn’t you’d go mad.
And yes, you probably did have PND.
But even if you didn’t, there are millions of us who’ve been there.
You are a better mum when you can sleep. And you are a good mum.

Oh love, you were tired. So easy to look back on it - assuming like me you now have uninterrupted nights sleep with different eyes. So unfair of your mum to bring it up. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason and we react badly when our basic biological needs like sleep aren't met.

My son used to wake every 90 minutes every night for weeks and months, how can you not obsess about sleep!

I even made a spreadsheet that I found the other week - had completely forgotten about. I'm into that sort of thing but even then I was taken aback at how meticulously I'd logged my son's sleeping and waking (I had an app that I'd use with night feeds) at times I did get angry about it, not directed at my child and I'm sure I could easily have called him something I shouldn't have done like you did.

You should forgive yourself, you were bloody tired doing something really hard, usually at a time of night that your whole body and mind is screaming at you that you need to rest, at a same time as your child is screaming at you. Anger is a normal human emotion and assuming you never hurt your child, you shouldn't feel bad. It's hard.

You're a survivor, your kids are growing up and you can meet your basic needs now so obviously everything seems easier. Don't judge yourself so harshly, give your kids a cuddle - do something fun and be proud off all you've done for them, however you got there.

You seem to really brush over all the lovely times you had with them, and it soundscape like there were many. I think all mums reach the end of their tether sometimes, but do you think you could be losing proportion? You don’t sound negligent or cruel to me - just wrung out at times.

• Sounds like

You were just stressed out. Babies can be hard work. My first never slept, and I tried everything, so when he was about 6 months old I tried sleep training as in, I let the poor mite cry for about 30 mins. Which felt like 3 hours. I still remember it because I've always regretted it. He was sick on himself as he cried so much. I get angry that I read books instead of trusting myself. And some stupid bastard said they had to 'self soothe'. And I believed it! With the next 2 it was co-sleeping and everyone getting 8 hours a night, but what I'm saying OP is that we all have regrets and do things we wish we hadn't xx

Interested to read this thread as right now, I'm the awful mum. Mine are 4,6 and 15 but jesus christ they are irritating the shit out of me. Every day I vow I won't shout, but within minutes I've lost it over some minor misdemeanor.
I didn't use to be like this, I don't know what's happened. They're no worse behaved than any other kids, angels at school! The NOISE and the whining and just everything is crippling me right now and I end up really screaming at them and I hate myself for it!
So, you're not alone, and I'm here for the tips too

You sound normal to me. I remember a leaflet the health visitor gave me that said if you feel angry at the baby leave them safely in a room and go into another room to calm down. I thought this was ridiculous. Then when all 3 of my kids where born I had to do this frequently.

Sleep deprivation is torture and its a vicious cycle of feeling angry then feeling inadequate as a mother. I still cringe at some of it but what helped me was speaking to my eldest and I cried telling him about a time when he was little and I was so annoyed he had wet himself and we had to go home. He burst out laughing gave me a hug and said "I know you are a good Mum and I've always known you love me".

I was able to forgive myself and its time you did too

You're not a monster. You obviously care very much.

You were obviously in the throes of parenthood with very little help or support.

Pennypinch is obviously, let's just say, of a minority opinion...

OP please don't beat yourself up about it. I agree that it sounds like you might have had a touch of PND and the stress of trying to cope with your two children and an undiagnosed mental health issue meant that your outlet was to yell.

Ignore pennypinchh who is obviously just being mindlessly nasty. I was yelled at as a child and it hasn't affected my development. Being needlessly inflammatory is uncalled for and if you have nothing of value to offer, keep your comments to yourself

I have yelled at my DD in frustration in the past as she slept terribly for her first 3 years, used to cry her eyes out for an hour trying to fight bedtime, refused to stay in her bed for long stretches etc it's frustrating and very tiring and stressful especially if you work full time and/or have other children as well.

Your self reflection is proof in itself that you are not a monstrous person. You are empathetic and thoughtful and you should definitely give yourself a break!

pennypinchh you sound like a proper bathed in pop psychology twerp. No offence intended. Just speaking as I see it. Hope you can learn from this. All the best.

I'm a bit torn really - I think you were well within your rights to be worn out and angry, but I also think what you did in terms of expressing those emotions wasn't OK.

If you've learned from these mistakes and you feel regret (which you seem to, to your credit) then I think you can work past it and it doesn't automatically make you a bad person. But if you've not developed coping mechanisms yet, you absolutely need to - babies are a huge emotional drain but being able to control your emotions or step back from the situation is an important skill to have. I hope that coping with your DCs is coming a little easier now

OP, I think you are a brave woman to say out loud what has been troubling you about your children’s early years.

For that reason alone, you deserve more respect and compassion from fellow parents than the likes of pennypinchh and her snap judgements. Ignore her, she clearly didn’t suffer like you did.

Sleep deprivation is torture. I totally understand how it became your obsession and focus, only when you can’t get it do you realise how essential it is for your well being.

Your children were too young to remember the odd occasion when you shouted or swore. I too wonder if you had undiagnosed PND. Was your partner doing his share?

Forgive yourself, OP. These are minor incidents in the lifetime of love and care you are providing for your children. Enjoy them now, and don’t let that enjoyment be blighted with thoughts from the past. It’s not as though you were beating them or tying them to their cots! 😀

If women were told the whole truth about motherhood before becoming pregnant I am convinced the human race would die out! It’s a lot of horrendous shit interspersed with a few nice bits.

💐💐

You did your best.

There is nothing else to offer.

Your best wasn't perfect and it never will be - it is all you have to give. And that is lovely.

Your babies know they are loved.

JanetMendoza

👏👏👏👏👏👏

Beautifully said.

Op I shouted at mine a lot. I had four under seven ( not entirely planned), three of them did not sleep for years on end. I looked after them all day then often went to work all night in a stressful job. It was a shit time. I still feel guilty. I was exhausted, sleep deprived and on a very short fuse. They are all teenagers and young adults now. If they do remember being shouted at they never mention it, they are all doing well, caring young people , no obvious mental health issues or lasting damage. When I look back I reflect and wonder how anyone could really cope with what I did whilst depressed and trying to manage a stressful job. It was a constant treadmill to make sure they had home cooked meals, helped with their homework, clean clothes, constant rounds of de-licing their hair and the attention they needed. I never had any time for myself for years on end. I do feel guilty but I know I did my best, no one is perfect.

I think a mother tired and stressed with possible PND snappy occasionally at her baby is perfectly normal.
Whilst a mother like pennypinchh, snide, bitchy, cruel and lacking empathy is the stuff of nightmares.

** Sorry just to add a passing thought - I think it's important to normalise the negative emotions associated with motherhood (rage, exhaustion, stress etc etc) without normalising negative behaviour / responses. So, I think you were well within your rights to feel as badly as you did and you were deserving of much more support than you had, but if I witnessed this happening I think I would try to step in.

Just wanted to clarify what I said upthread!

But if I don't sound like a monster, what does a monster sound like?!

Well they would be the mothers that didn’t regret shouting because they wouldn’t care. You clearly regret it and feel guilty. You need to forgive yourself though and move on as that will allow you to be a better mum now and in the future. Obviously if you experience it in the future then talk to your GP.

💐 for you.

My DS is 29, When he was young I often felt I wasn’t a good enough mum, compared myself to others, I found the baby years quite difficult, had undiagnosed pnd then clinical depression. But looking back now I know I did my best, and actually think I was actually quite a good mum.
He is a happy well-adjusted adult and we have a great relationship. My one regret is how hard I was on myself and my lack of self-confidence.

Be kind to yourself, what matters is now, you can’t change the past, coping with young babies can be tough. You obviously love your children dearly, and have the ability to self-reflect, a skill many parents lack