To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

Anger is often a symptom of depression, is it possible you had some form of PND? Plenty of people regret having children (often just at first) and find it all overwhelming and awful.

Please don’t feel guilty. You were probably stressed to the max and having babies can be so overwhelming. I’m sure you are a great mum so stop worrying x

I voted YABU, as I think you're being U to yourself. It sounds as though you were suffering from PND tbh. If it helps, they won't remember any of it, and you seem to have calmed down now. You need to forgive yourself and and move on

Wanted to put at the end but my phone froze! x

@birdcloud Glad you rebuilt your relationship with your son. Can't imagine how tough it must have been for you x

What was your husband doing? Why wasn't he helping? What was your mother doing? Why wasn't she helping? If you were falling apart from lack of sleep, why were they not letting you catch up by helping? Even if you don't have PND, your hormones and sleep cycle is all over the place several months after having a baby. You needed help. I suggest you forget about it and move on. The question is phrased with a double negative so is confusing to answer. The answer is you are unreasonable to not forgive yourself. Anyway enjoy your life, your babies will soon go to university and leave home.

@Autumnblooms the difference is OP has recognised that it’s ‘not ok’, has been honest and addressed her behaviour. Your anger needs to be directed towards those who have these feelings and think it IS ok, show no remorse - or can’t control it and continue the behaviour.

pennypinchh

'Haven't studies shown that it affects brain development or something?

'or something' isn't really a compelling argument, is it?
Even if parenting isn't perfect (I doubt there is such a thing) good enough parenting involves responding to a child's needs and keeping them safe. It involves spending time bonding and responding to their attempts to communicate.
Good enough parenting can also involve being human and getting overwhelmed at times.
The type of parenting that involves development issues with the brain is severe neglect, hardly ever if at all having needs responded to, extreme abuse etc.

@WinnieHarlow

I really do agree with you. My DM has certainly always loved my siblings and me, but she really did lose her rag with us on a regular basis, and she used to smack us hard. (She often says that our F was guilty of this but she appears to have forgotten that she did it, too.)

The tragic consequence of this was that my DSis and I didn't feel able to say anything to her about the SA that we were suffering at the hands of my F.

She used to apologise after the event, too, but she kept repeating the behaviour.

So no, the behaviour shouldn't be condoned. But this OP isn't doing that. She's struggling with guilt about her behaviour when her DC were babies and toddlers and, more importantly, she's addressed it and changed it. She isn't screaming at her DC now. So berating her for the past achieves nothing, as she can't change what happened.

Yes I get how you feel. There is so much pressure to be a perfect mum, kids have to do this and that by this time and everything is supposed to be amazing. But it’s bloody hard. I’ve snapped at my kids and swore but I was under a lot of pressure being a single mum and trying to not be late for school etc. They won’t remember it if they were tiny and you clearly love them because you feel bad and care.

I'm a nanny, I've seen lots of mothers angry at their children and acting irrationally when they are tired (I myself cope really badly with lack of sleep) Hate, including self-hate, is a very destructive emotion - you recognise that you acted badly and out of character and regret it, but what's done is done, the best thing for you to do is build a close relationship with your children now and for the future. Research different coping strategies on how to deal with your emotions if you find yourself getting angry with them again.

Coming to the thread a bit later, I am bothered by all the deleted posts. Are there REALLY so many who lack the empathy and understanding of the human condition, particularly that of a new mum?

I made mistakes as a young mum OP. Probably many similar to yours. Sleep deprivation messes with your head and produces a particular kind of underlying anxiety, which has the potential to colour everything you say and do, when you just cannot foresee WHEN you are ever going to get a decent rest again. It is so very easy to become overwhelmed. I remember it well. Also, looking back at my own and the experiences of quite a few people I know, I think the PND spectrum is far larger than that what is ever professionally recognised/diagnosed. Most of us, like yourself, just struggle on until it gets easier. And it does, eventually.

You sound like a loving, caring mum. And in case it helps you to know this, my adult children say lovely things to me about their childhood when we discuss it. There were a number of unfavourable circumstances involved as well as me not coping brilliantly and being the best I could be but they seem to remember the good things mainly and are both capable, fully functional, loving caring adults who has positive relationships with other. My 28 year old DS is marrying a lovely girl next summer (would be already if not for COVID). I am very proud of him and DD (22) Common sense dictates that I take a fair amount of the credit for that (I can list in head, the things I have done well at, as a parent and I am sure, so can you) and that makes me feel better about the mistakes.

Breathe.. and forgive yourself.

You are reflecting and processing a time in your life that you found really difficult. If you were a monster you wouldn't be doing that. You were sleep deprived and you wanted so much to be the perfect mum that you put too much pressure on yourself and you snapped a few times. If you weren't getting the support you needed, it was bound to happen. Having kids who don't sleep is HARD! Having tinies is HARD. There isn't a parent in the world who doesn't wish they had done something differently. But you did it, you got through the sleepless times and now the pressure is off you've got the time to reflect - but don't get bound up in it. Consider the relationship you've created with them now and focus on moving on with that. You sound normal, tired and like you try hard. Don't beat yourself up anymore, it's past and it doesn't define you or your kids.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you may have been suffering from undiagnosed PND - I went through pretty much identical things to you.

In fact I could have written your post.

I too sometimes look back and wish I could have been calmer, more loving, more patient, happier and just nicer to my babies. Like you I never harmed them at all physically, but I was a wound-up ball of tension and stress most of the time, desperately unhappy and feeling utterly trapped.

They are now 14 and 16 and just brilliant kids - I love them to death. I'm very open and honest about how I felt when they were tiny and I tell them that my mental state was not good and it was not their fault at all, it was me. They accept that as part of life. We have a lot of good, solid, dependable love in our house as I'm sure you do in yours - that's what matters.

I take comfort from looking at old baby photographs - we DID smile and laugh a lot and had a lot of fun and kisses - the proof is there - it's just that sometimes we just remember the worst bits!

I am you now with 3 children. I snap. I swear in the middle of the night when they wake me up. I am a completely different person on rubbish sleep. Forgive yourself your children love you and you love them. Lack of sleep is torture. I am so pleased I am done with babies. They are all
Just starting to sleep through thank the lord.

I'm rather late to this thread but op I was like that when I had my DD who is now nearly 19 but I also had no interest in her or anything to do with her yes she was clean fed and dressed but whereas with her older brother I enjoyed taking him out with her I didn't and when pushed would develop a headache or stomachache ,when she was about 8 month old I finally dragged myself to the gp who put me on antidepressants and made me go for counseling sessions ,the talking helped me realise that my dad dying while I was expecting and being told I couldn't and shouldn't get upset because I could upset the baby had caused me to not properly bond with her but I came to understand I can't carry it around with me and I had to be nice to myself and realise I was ill .

I have rocked my baby to sleep with a lullaby of "go the fuck to sleep. Why won't you fucking sleep. Do you hate me little fucker. Go the fuck to sleep". I adore her. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason

I know everyone has said this but you sound like a good mum who is aware that they're not perfect. Just realise that NOONE is perfect. Everyone struggles. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. They know you love them. That's what matters.

And I agree seeing your parents as people with emotions is important. Seeing how you deal withyour emotions now is how they will deal with theirs as they grow.i explode and burn out quickly. Like my mum. I'm trying not to and to always apologise when it does happen.
My husband sulks. Like his dad. He hasn't worked out that yet!

I’m obviously a little late to the thread @Notmyusual80 but I just wanted to comment as I really empathise with having feelings of guilt that continue to torment you even now you are many years on from the original issues. I really struggled when my children were small - I was actually okay during the baby years but as they began to school behaviours came to the fore that I struggled to manage. My husband had left leaving me with a 1 year old 2.5 year old. Both are now diagnosed as Autistic/executive function disorder so there were some behavioural challenges that O didn’t understand at the time and couldn’t seem to fix despite having been a parenting course facilitator and trained as a teacher. Nothing I did or said worked and it took me til much later to figure out the way my own children needed to be parented. In the meantime, I was stressed out, snappy and horrible at times. I was at my wits end to be frank.
In order to try and make things better now - for I surely cannot wind back the clock (and when to... when I met the cockwomble of an ex husband??!!) I’ve actively made a point of discussing these times with my children and apologising for how I was. We talked about the good and the bad. They all say how much they feel I have their backs and love them unconditionally which is what matters the most to me as if I thought they felt I didn’t I’d have seriously screwed up in giving them a secure base of love from which to grow. It’s important to me - for them - that I acknowledge my failings and listen to criticisms they have and apologise sincerely. I think I’d do more damage if I tried to brush it under the carpet as that would be hideously invalidating for them. maybe you could chat with your children about their memories. They may jot have conscious ones but even if they subconsciously ‘remember’ the act of allowing discussion could do them and you many favours. I don’t mean opening old wounds in a perverse way, but perhaps they need to know you messed up and that you love them enough to be honest about that in case in some way they harbour subconscious feelings of inadequacy or similar.

Our children heal us and then we heal them and so on until all the hurt is gone. Some parents never realise what you’ve already realised. Don’t beat yourself up just go on giving all the love you can.

Lots of parents are terrible at it yet think they are brilliant, the fact that you are aware and introspective about it shows you are a good parent. Be kind to yourself

So many more lovely messages. And sad ones too - some of you have had awful times. @Ahardyfool - sounds like you had a particularly bad time of it. What you say about discussing it with them is good advice. x

Being a mom is he hardest job in the world you did nothing wrong. In fact by voicing your anger you did not act on it - we all felt the same at times

Stop beating yourseld up we all want or are told that as women we should be perfect. You love your children. I am a grandma. I have heard my daughter shout swear and be angry in the middle of the night! I was a sleep deprived mum. Its tough its ok. I can be loving and patient all night when i know my darlings are going back to num. It seems endless. We all critizize ourselves. Just enjoy what you can and leave thr sef criticism behind x

Oh, OP you were not a monster. You were a stressed new mother muddling through with the first baby, and a stressed new mother the second time with the added stress of a toddler.