To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

I had PND. I was obsessed with my childs sleep.
Even just thinking about having a bad night would cause me to spiral with anxiety.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and the anger and anxiety and overwhelming emotion is our bodies reacting to the stress.
Its not our fault, we know we wouldn't act like that if we could help it - like other posters have said if we didn't feel guilty then we would be a monster.

You got through it with the help of your dh and family, I'm the same and there will be so many more mums that feel this way too!

I feel like that a lot, and not just about the baby baby age. We can’t change anything, just do better now we know better.
Chin up, op. Focus on making beautiful memories for them, and leave the past where it is. We all make mistakes, and we’ll more than likely make plenty more. Focus on what’s good and improve what can be improved.

And yes. I think your being unreasonable to yourself, but your feelings are valid, mum guilt is a f**r. Go easy on yourself

Well thats off your chest now. Move on and screw the haters and perfect mummys. You sound normal. I can relate x

Im not trying to make there op feel crap and I’m certainly not a hater.

But people, especially parents who are responsible for children, should not be condoning shouting/screaming/name calling at children or babies!!! It’s disgusting behaviour and adults should know better- if you feel shit or not in control doesn’t mean it’s ok to dish it into a kid.

If she said her husband did this to the kids you would be telling her all to leave him and to put the kids first and he would be getting such a roasting it would be unreal!!!

Mumsnet-tries to be feminist- but actually - DOUBLE STANDARDS! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Motherhood is hard especially when they are new born, I'm sure we have all had moments where we have sworn and got annoyed because of tiredness. Please give yourself credit.

@Autumnblooms I completely agree.

I don't want to have a go at OP either and it sounds like she really struggled and has done her best to be a good parent now.

But, and it is a big buy! People absolutely should not be condoning or normalising that sort of behaviour. Shouting a swearing at an infant abs being so angry you shake is not ok and not normal.

I agree, it shouldn’t be normalised but more so it should be supported with help. PND is an awful thing. It robs well intended people of their dreams of motherhood and leaves people with guilt, like it is done for OP. But she can’t turn back time, like many mothers who look at moments that they wish they could erase. It’s important that OP has recognised it wasn’t normal and that we are here for her, not to continue to tarnish when she couldn’t feel worse. Let’s not kick her whilst she’s down. It’s not helpful and will bring no good for her. She’s admitting herself that it was wrong. What will continue to beat her whilst she’s down achieve for OP? Nothing.

Op i could have written your post.

I even had counselling where I talked about this. I'm not sure I'll ever not feel guilty but we need to move on. I try to react more calmly now, to not let the little things stress me out. My children seem fine. I hope they'll not remember me that way.

Basically what I'm saying is that children are hard work. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just do the best you can now, today.

Let’s not forget sleep deprivation is a worldwide form of torture! It makes animals of us all. Friends remark how patient I am with my kids, yet I don’t feel it when I think of those loooong nights with sleepless babies and the knock-on effects of that.

Something I wanted to add is that it sounds a bit like you might be on the cusp of unearthing something you’ve buried about your own childhood. There’s a book called ‘The book you wish your parents had read (and your kids will be glad you did)’; it’s a bit woo but also very interesting with the premise that our behaviours as parents are rooted in our own treatment (often buried) as children. Maybe you were on the receiving end of similar treatment at some point.

Oh sweetheart my heart goes out to you it really does because i've been through the same thing its called pnd.I love my daughter dearly but when she was born i was full of anxiety and anger and worst of all a lack of self control.
Looking back i've also been eaten up with shame and regret but the thing is you really can't change it.
Instead i made it my mission to detox my life and practice mindfulness and just breathe through it and most of all to be kind to myself.
You need to move on reliving the past is traumatic and will keep you a prisoner.
I think a lot of mothers go through the same thing but we are mostly afraid to admit it for fear we are judged harshly.
Get help if you need it voice your concerns speak openly to family don't be scared and don't be depressed the longer this goes on the worse it will be for you and your children.
Please let go it will harm you if you don't and have the courage to learn from your mistakes your not alone so please don't crucify yourself its not worth it.
Bad things happen so we can open our eyes and realise what is important so please learn your lesson but process it and remember that above all else love heals.
All of the best to you.
You can do this.

OK, so I haven't read all the way through, but desperately wanted to simply say, I've had 4 kids and despite everything I tried I really don't think I enjoyed the first year of any of them. I need my sleep and me as a sleep deprived person is not the best version of me. I really tried with my youngest and must admit that it was the best but only because I, finally, re-set ALL my expectations (I'm a very slow learner) and knew I would be no good for anything except mothering for a whole year. The best bit, is that NONE of my kids remember their very early years so I appear to have got away with it! I look at other mums breastfeeding and think they look so wonderful - but reality, for me at least, was soooo far away from that. Stop beating yourself up - be the best you can including days when you're crap but haven't beaten the crap out of them - they're lucky to have you!

oh and ps - I invariably got PND each time to the point where on the 4th I was simply prescribed anti Ds all the way through.
Be the best you can and understand that that swings around depending on what's going on.

pps - like I said I haven't read all the way through - but erm - so unhelpful of your mum!

Having babies is difficult. Forget about it and forgive yourself.

I voted YABU because I think you are being unreasonable blaming yourself or feeling guilty. I would challenge ANY mother to say she got it ALL right, ALL the time. You are no better or worse than any of the rest of us.

What you are, is more than most able to recognise that you didn't find it easy being a new Mum. None of us are perfect and I bet that you are not alone. I don't think I was a good parent at all. I would go so far as saying I was a poor example of a mother. Far worse than you.

No you're not a monster. Babies are supremely hard work. I have always been vocal about how hard I found it. I have done my fair amount of shouting. I'm better now that mine is in 2nd grade. BUt those early years were horrific in some ways. I know lots of mothers don't feel this way but an equal amount who do. Honestly, don't stress about it. Enjoy the here and now.

You hadPND don’t blame yourself please New mums set them up Ona pedestal then fall off The well off are lucky they employ maternity nurses(nights sleep)night nannies (nights sleep )so get a break You are only lucky if you have family nearby who would come and takeover .Well done for surviving don’t beat yourself up about it .I worked as a maternity nurse and the mother hit the baby (no it wasn’t due to lack of sleep )The agency I worked for we’re not helpful and didn’t know what to do I did report the lady to the Health Visitor (I was due to finish and concerned )so she could support her Ive met lots of women with PNDsome admitted to units GP are better nowadays .Once if you were not ectastic about being a new mum you were frowned on

For what it’s (I’m ) worth. My state of mind was so unhinged as a young mother with a young child who never slept that I left him as I thought he was safer with his father. I have remained guilty and remorseful all my life that only now,, at 70, I am only now beginning to come to terms with it. My son and and have developed a good relationship after much heartache.

I was mainly a devoted mother who occasionally had episodes I do not look back on with pride. I even left my young baby to howl (first child) on one or two occasions - because I was afraid that if I picked her up, I would damage her in fury. My children are all 50+, doing nicely in life, raising their own children beautifully, much better than I did, I now recognise. Forgive yourself and get on with being better. They will forgive you (until they become teenagers) and you may have a lovely relationship with them when they are adults as I mainly do with mine.

For starters, you are aware of what you did and feel bad about it.
So what you can do from now on is be the mother you want to be, that you should be for your kids. Which is what any good therapist will tell you anyway.

You might have PND. Is there a support group where you can call someone even just to chat?

Oh I'm going to come back and read through all these comments tomorrow. I could have wrote your post OP, word for word except for this part:

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me.

I freaking hated most of it! I'm only just out of the very baby years (youngest about to turn 3) and now that I'm finally getting sleep I'm starting to be a little more objective about how things were, and I'm afraid my future self is going to be horrified by how I behaved. My sister had a baby a few months ago, she's so happy and I've been wracking my brain wondering why I wasn't happy at all, with any of it! Makes me sad. Like you my eldest was a dream baby looking back and compared to most babies I now know, and yet their mums don't seem to mind and accept it, whereas I would have been furious if my DD slept as badly as they do.

We are quick to forgive others but never ourselves. Forgive yourself and live in the present with your little ones. You seem very sorry which shows you care and love them don’t waste any more time with regret and enjoy every bit of motherhood 😉❤️❤️💫

Kids are hard work. They scream, argue, and wreck the place. No wonder we get cross.

First, you did the best you did with what you had. Yes, it could have been better, but, see sentence #1. THERE ARE NO PERFECT PARENTS. And while it is most reasonable to wish that you had done better, what you are doing now, despising yourself, is robbing your children yet again. What they need, and want, is a healthy, happy mother who can joyfully enter into their lives, not trudge along carrying a burden of guilt. You are making this about you. Make it about them, forgive yourself, and be the mother that they most need.

It sounds like you were dealing with anxiety and possibly post partum depression (ppd). I dealt with that, unfortunately. My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant and I just fell apart, especially when he told me that he loved her. He told me he would decide if he was going to stay with me after I had the baby. What a great guy, huh?