To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

You're not a monster as monsters don't feel guilt.

I was also a screaming harpy but that's because I had 6 children under 10 but the time I was 26 (3 DSD) and I worked nights on an acute medical ward so I was also sleep deprived/obsessed.

We can't dress it up for you and say it's ok, it's not but it IS human of you and we can only do the best with what we have at the time.

I'm actually quite cross with your mum; why did she feel the need to bring this up and deliberately make you feel like shit? She's also clearly forgotten what it was like to be a parent.

I don't remember my parents shouting at me much although I'm sure they did, what I remember was the times I got a smack.... that's what you need to be careful of.

I had therapy last year and I realised the 1st time I felt real fear was when my dad gave a right good hiding. I must have been about 7 at the time. That shit never leaves you, even if you don't realise it.

Shower them in love going forward and that's all they'll remember.

@changingnamesandkeepingsane

I agree with a lot of whats already been said. A. Could have been a symptom of undiagnosed PND B. Regardless, early motherhood is a fucking shitshow, and the biggest lie ever told to women C. By mother had the quickest temper, she shouted a lot. I still flinch if I sense someone is irritated by me. My love for her is only eclipsed by the love she had for me. She was absolutely 100% devoted to me and my sister. And I loved and still love her to bits. Her parenting wasn't perfect, neither is mine, neither is yours. And neither is the person's who never shouts at their kids. Nobody gets it right.

This 🙌🏻😍

The whole process of pregnancy, birth - and then being thrown into the deep end with a crying newborn, who never sleeps, is relentless. Yet the media? society? expects us to present ourselves as coping, glowing, breast feeding, nurturing goddesses who can not only juggle this - but our career and pristine homes. This is absolute bollocks.

OP as others have said, i could have written your post myself, and was lying in bed only two mornings feeling deeply ashamed of my behaviour years ago. Tiredness and feeling alone is awful though.
My DH worked very long hours back then and my mother died suddenly a month after my first was born, they were hard times, and i also know that shouting isn't good for children. But I've spent years reflecting on it, making up for it and apologising to them and we are super close and they are happy and great kids. It's hard to forgive oneself, and i feel like i don't deserve it but we are all human and the early years are the hardest thing you'll ever do.
I think you sound like a great mum OP.

Honestly I think if everyone were honest, we have had all moments like this. Your sleep deprived, your child is playing up and feels like nothing is going right. Of course you look back and think “god that was terrible, I shouldn’t have done that” but we are all human! I have had a few moments similar to yours. The important thing is you are not like that anymore with your children, try not to beat yourself up x

I’m not sure if I’ve pressed the wrong button - for clarity, I think YABU if you don’t forgive yourself. You remember specific incidents because they were out of the norm. You sound like you needed more support tbh. They won’t remember, they will remember how you are currently, so don’t let it shadow the here & now.

I had PND with my twins. I shouted, not at them but a lot - shouted at the kettle for taking ages, doors for being heavy, myself for dropping things. I was very detached from my sons - it was a chore to change them, feed them, wash them, play with them. I was very angry and tired and fed up with everyone and every thing. If I could have slept through them crying I would literally have left them to cry. I was diagnosed with PND eventually and slowly got better.

When my daughter was born years later I had an entirely different experience, I genuinely enjoyed feeding her and bathing her, I was tired but not the same kind of tired, and it made me realise how ill I actually was with my boys.

Please don’t beat yourself up. I was the same, my son has autism and didn’t sleep through the night until he was 12. I was angry a lot and feel ashamed of how I was back then. He’s now 23 and frequently tells me what a great Mum I am. It’s so hard with sleep deprivation and other stuff. Exhaustion is debilitating. No mum is perfect and we can really mess up and still be good enough Mums who raise kids who think we’re great. 💓🌈👌🏼

I just wanted to add that there are times for every parent when we are not the parent we would hope to be. I think when you look back now, you are seeing things from a different perspective but back then you were in the midst of it and you were probably exhausted and stressed and maybe you were putting pressure on yourself around the whole sleep thing that you wouldn't do if you did it all again.

We're not perfect all the time. All you have to do is be 'good enough' overall. Repair is always important after a 'rupture' so you could always have a chat to them about it and apologize. I'm sure they probably won't think it's that big a deal!

Remember to be kind to yourself too! Kids don't need everything to be perfect to turn out completely fine. In fact if you were too perfect they probably wouldn't have all the skills they will need in the future!

@Notmyusual80 most of us mums will hold our hands up and we’ve yelled and swore at our kids at the smallest little thing, especially when it’s been a hard, tiring day and night. Your human, so give yourself a break.

You sound like a completely normal human being. You are not a monster. Every one of us has the capacity to reach the depths of behaviour we never thought possible. I would never believe or buy into other people's stories ref their perfect experience. Under the right conditions anyone can crack, anyone!
I hope eventually you can look back and forgive yourself. Move forward by looking at what you never want to do again and how you will achieve it under high stress and testing from your little ones and others. I'm a huge advocate of apologising genuinely to our kids when we mess up. x

I totally get it I feel so sad when I think how I was sometimes and my children are adults now
No excuse but I had pnd and no family of my own

I could have written that....word for word! Don’t be hard on yourself, I am always angry and it’s taken me 3 and a half years to really realise, I have a girl then a boy, it’s bloody hard work, and I’m now a little happier as I’m taking some pills to help.
There is absolutely no point in thinking back and feeling bad, as long as you show them love now, there is nothing you can do about the past, don’t crucify yourself, do you know how many mothers feel how you felt, you’re not alone.

Oh, I could cry for you. 🤗
Forgive yourself, and be the mum you want to be now.
They won't be this age for long, and one day you'll look back on this time and think they were still your tiny cute babies.

I have huge regrets - mostly centred around the narc I brought into our home, who wrecked me, and ubstabilisednour whole world, and distracted me with his gaslighting and making me feel like I was batshit.
Ibdidnt have focus on my kids during those years. I can't even remember them properly.

Op you need to forgive yourself. You are so far from being a monster, monsters/bad parents ect dont feel guilty they dont feel shame. The love you feel for your children is coming across to me crystal clear in your posts. The baby /toddler stage is bloody hard and sleep deprivation is a bitch. Be kind to yourself please. Xx

I understand you had a hard time and glad no major harm was done but to people saying that is normal it isn't and other mothers who are passing for something similar should find help. Anger can easily escalate and shouting is also a form of violence. Wishing all happiness to you and your family. You have all your life to love them

Oh lovey. Having babies takes its toll. And sleep deprivation is so difficult. And the first is a shock. There’s so much from your post I can relate to. I have grown into the parent I wanted to be and it’s taken years. My second (8.5 years after my first) has a totally different parent compared to my eldest at her age. She’s 2. When my eldest was 2 I was on my own, and struggling financially and emotionally and mentally. And I was not a good parent. She is so secure and confident compared to him, even though he’s 11 and she’s 2! And I blame myself for his insecurities.
But, equally, I’m a good mum and I’ve a always loved him and I think most parents look back in hindsight and would act differently. Nobody isn’t perfect.

I’d say you were depressed at the time but undiagnosed. Don’t beat yourself up about that but just work at keeping your relationship with your kids now they are older, as calm & stable as you can. If the feeling recur, please seek help.
Depression is not just feeling sad or crying.

Def not a monster, more like a mum with post natal depression which can take many forms, wonder if anyone suggested this?
I went through the same things but once I started antidepressants it all went away and I became 'normal' again.
Dont beat yourself up, sounds like you've done a fab job since then x

It is what it is. You cant change the past. Forgive yourself, put it behind you and look forward to many happy years to come.

Omg this is what I am going through now. I feel so guilty as I get so angry at my baby, now10 months. He sleep awfully and when he gets up at 4 I swear a lot, sometimes I can remain calm but sometimes I have so much rage. I can’t believe how mean I am and am not sure I was ever so horrible to my first.
I def don’t think you are being unreasonable as I know that prob like me 23 hours and 45 mins are prob full of love and attention and this anger is only a percentage - let’s hope anyway. And am sure your children know you as a wonderful and loving mum.

To be honest I’m disgusted you treated kids this way and people on here are telling you that’s it’s ok and you was just a stressed out mum!! Shame on you but shame on them more!!

I’m Glad your not like it now but to expect people to say treating children that way is ok or acceptable, in my opinion is beyond disgusting.

Just wanted to say I am going through similar at the moment, have a 3yr old who didnt sleep until she was over 2yrs and a 9 month old who is also up all night, I could cry most fays with tiredness and feel unbelievably grumpy. I feel like all I ever do is snap at them. They are such beautiful, good children and I feel unworthy of them most of the time, but especially when I am scowling and shouting not because they're even being naughty but because I'm exhausted and can't cope on my own. (OH is pretty much always at work and no other support). Just wanted you to know you're not the only one mate.

@Notmyusual80 - I felt exactly the same when my kids were that age.
It sounds like you had PND- anger is a common symptom.
I’d recommend the book ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ by Phillipa Perry.
She addresses these issues and the guilt all parents carry at the mistakes we ALL make.
She also says that the important thing is admitting to kids when you get it wrong and saying sorry. They learn a lot from that. It’s actually an opportunity to teach them how to deal with uncomfortable emotions and to be honest about feelings.

This is me right now :(
I have a 2 year old and 3.5year old and it is HARD!
I look back at my day and feel like I shout constantly. It makes me feel so sad, and everyday I vow I won’t do it again.. but I do. I adore my children, but it’s so hard, especially at the moment.. I have reached out for help. But no one understands

We’re all trying OP, don’t be hard on yourself. Motherhood is tough!