To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

Omg I can relate to this. I was such a good mommy with my first one but since I was pregnant with second I changed..I became someone different only to my big one dunno why. I have come a long way now trying so hard to be good now a days. Feel good to read this. May be I wanted to see this. Xx

You are not alone and I really support your bravery in stepping forward and bringing this issue to the fore. For me, I was a very unhappy pregnant woman. I have since learned that there some women experience
anger etc. In pregnancy. I asked for help and got none. Your story is so familiar. My anger again started after the birth of my twins. I remember the first time I yelled at my oldest child. It was all so painful. O again asked for help but did not receive it.
My children are now 13 and 11. We have a very happy and fun family. I found a life coach plus finally got my GP to really hear me and help.

Be kind to yourself. We are not perfect, but we can give love and show kindness. Your family will thrive

I have only had time to read your 1st message. Oh you poor thing. Did you have anyone help and give advice? Ask your children if theu can remember their early years? Seriously ....I went thru a reli stressful time with my eldest two because of work and ex etc....when I said how bad I felt about not being there for thwm and snapping at them they said that the time I mentioned was one wherw thwy actually had a lot of fond memories of??? They remembered the ties I tried to do or buy things to make up for my being busy or in a bad mood I guess. Ita never too late and now is the time to give them lots of love and time.....before they hit their teenage years.....and dont fotfet to look after yourself!

An absolute monster wouldn’t post this! You can’t change the past so stop dwelling on it. Also comparing yourself will not do you any favours.
I’m sure you are a wonderful mother!

I don’t have any children unfortunately but i do have nieces and nephews. Please be kind to yourself. You are doing such a difficult job. One which theres no manual for. Even though I’m sad at not having children I truly and honestly admire anyone who has the energy and patience to be a parent. It sounds like you had some PND. Monsters don’t tend to reflect on past behaviour the way you are and they tend to lack self awareness. You’re human thats all there is to it. Sending you love.

You sound like you had a touch of PND to be honest. Please don't beat yourself up about it any longer, your babies won't remember it anyway.

I think - because we live in the cotton wool/age of snowflakes/media - any negativity shown towards a child is perceived as abuse. The fact that you CARE so much, has prompted you to post honestly. A great deal of mothers go through this and feel shame for not opening up about their true feelings.

Oh I feel so sorry fo you. You are beating yourself up about something you cannot control or change. The guilt you are feeling is stopping you from moving on and enjoying every second with your precious children. My mum had a terrible temper (looking back I think she may have had post natal depression or something) and frequently shouted and screamed at me, I can even remember soiling myself as a three year old because she was shouting at me to eat my lunch. But...... more than that she was incredibly loving, supportive and great fun. While I remember her losing her temper vividly, it has never changed the way I feel about her or make me feel that I’m scarred in any way. She is a human being with flaws, so am I and so are you. Please be kind to yourself, your children will love you just as I love my mum. Now as an adult and a mum of two, I love my mum even more because I can appreciate how damn hard it is being a parent and I can empathise with the way she felt at times. Keep smiling and enjoying being a mum....xxx

Sorry I mean shamed into not expressing their true feelings.

Give yourself a break. We are all a littLe keyed up with babies especially the first. Trying to do your best at all times is stressful. Almost everyone thinks they could have done better, been more relaxed, more in the moment, more fun, more giving, etc, etc.

A lot of us don’t have much support, and it isn’t easy. Not everyone is a baby person either. Just enjoy them now. There is lots more to come.

Be kind to yourself. New parents make mistakes no matter how many kids you have had you can never get it all right. It's never to late to make it right. Don't dwell in the past just be the best you can be in the future and realise you will mess up we all do.

Sounds as if you had PND. Having babies is hard.

Don’t be daft... it’s the hardest job ever!

Sounds like your judging yourself without the benefit of the time and situation you were in. Tiny babies are hard work particularly with a toddler. All of us on mumsnet can admit to times when we weren’t wholly in touch with our rational selves. Chances are your kids have grown up non the wiser! Think of all the wonderful things and times to help put it in perspective.

I just xha he'd my vote as my double negatives got mixed up! So YABU not to forgive yourself - I think most posters have put yanbu in sympathy for you but you must give yourself a break and forgive. If you were your own mum you would, right?

Also who hasn’t signed and huffed at a dirty nappy right before you leave the house. And it sounds like your husband pulled you up...which is normal.

You sound fine op.....unfortunately we live in a world where us mums are supposed to be bastions of peace,calm, eternal giving and self sacrifice....totally unrealistic imo.

That was 'changed' my vote not 'xha he'd' which is like a made up language

I feel how you feel, and have been where you where, saying the things that you said, regretting the same things you regret. All we can do is our best, and learn from where we went wrong. Sending you love. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't take up too much of your headspace with things you can't change but use it to do better now. This motherhood malarkey is hard enough without repeatedly beating yourself up about what you could have done better x

I’ve come out of a 10 year moratorium from posting on mumsnet to say, I.Relate.to.every.word.

I really wish I could reach through my phone and give you a hug. Some of this is so familiar, this was me about three years ago. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and anxiety and had some cognitive behavioural therapy as well as medication and it helped so much. It’s possible you had something similar ❤️ If it wasn’t for my husband saying “this isn’t you” and calling the GP, I doubt I would’ve got help. Being a new Mum is so hard, and with the changes in how we parent of the last few generations and the loss of support that brought us, so many struggle now. You clearly adore your children and did the best you could at the time, I think maybe your mum could have offered to watch the babies while you slept the day away, instead of saving up her feelings to make you feel awful a few years later. Sending hugs 🤗

I think I pressed the wrong button having been confused by the double negative lol
Sorry about that. I think you need to forgive yourself. Sounds like you were finding it hard to cope and were probably a bit depressed. I can’t imagine there’s many of us who could claim to have been perfectly lovely all the time when our kids were little.
As humans we evolve and I’m sure you’re much happier with the mum you are now. The fact you’ve thought about those early times shows that.
I can tell you tell say a few Hail Marys or you can just be the fabulous person you are now. X

I could have written this myself! I hate myself for the way I have been and only very occasionally now still am, my heart goes out to you and I have made a bit of peace with myself in knowing I can't change the past at all but I change the future. I will take to my grave some of the awful things I have said & done but what I find worse is the things I thought at times.

Im certainly not the parent I ever imagined/wanted to be and for that I'm disappointed and ashamed of myself.

Hey OP! I hope you can see from all these posts that you are not alone! I hope you can see that you were stressed out and it's just your sense of guilt taunting you! I think 'guilt' is part of the job description of being a mummy! Don't dwell on those moments because all it's doing is destroying you from within. Focus on the good memories! That first time they said mum or the time when they took their first step! The fact that you are remembering being 'a monster' means that you will learn from it and try and change! The ones that don't are the ones that are the real monsters! Give those kids a massive hug and tell them you love them no matter what!!!

@Notmyusual80
Forgive yourself. We’re human - we all behave badly at times and we all fall down. It’s the getting up and brushing ourselves off that matters.
If you’re truly troubled, talk to your children and tell them you’re troubled and apologise to them and then tell them how much they’ve enriched your life, how much they’ve added to it, how much better a person you are because of them and how much better your life is since they’re in it.
And make sure you express how much your love for them exceeds all earthly bounds.
You’ll feel better for it, and your children will perhaps have a clearer picture of their mother, and the fact that she’s got faults - just like them.
My mum never once admitted wrongdoing or error or guilt - in turn, making me think she was perfect when I was little and rigid and stubborn when I grew up.
Be good to yourself - and smile.