To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

I was like this when my two were younger, I think back and cringe when I think about it! I love my children and was a lot better with my third and now I've adopted an approach where I try and breathe and try and think of myself in my children's shoes.. we are not perfect and need to have more conversations like this so mums can ask for help without being judged 😊

@Autumnblooms

To be honest I’m disgusted you treated kids this way and people on here are telling you that’s it’s ok and you was just a stressed out mum!! Shame on you but shame on them more!!

I’m Glad your not like it now but to expect people to say treating children that way is ok or acceptable, in my opinion is beyond disgusting.

Do you feel better now you’ve given a Mum who was clearly struggling, probably with PND, a good kick of your judgement?

I have a 13 month old now. In the early days I was struggling bad and really didn’t know it. I had a traumatic labour that resulted in a broken coccyx so I was in agony for a long time. That mixed with a baby that didn’t sleep, I found myself shouting ‘for f sake’ every time he would cry or wake in the night which was hourly if not less. I cried thinking why did I think I was cut out for this and then eventually it did just get better. The thing is, I had always always always wanted children and love my son more than anything in this world. I too feel awful about the way I spoke to him as a baby, not that they would remember at all, but I just wanted to say I think it is normal due to the sheer exhaustion and huge change to our lives. ❤️

I think if we was all honest most of us parents had moments of madness / sheer tiredness and exhaustion or otherwise which has made us ashamed of the way we have acted in that moment. I feel like this all the time at the moment - I feel so low and their behaviour is so full on, I just feel so consumed - I expect it’s a number of things atm, but what I’m getting at is that you aren’t alone and certainly not the first or last. Forgive yourself, as none of us are perfect.

I’m so grateful you posted OP. I’ve been looking back with regrets too. Remembering nice things has helped me put it in perspective a bit. I think a lot of Mums think we’re worse than the next person when we fall short of Virgin Mary standards.

I think you’ve lived and learned, otherwise you wouldn’t have regrets. You post will help others xx

I have been there, shouted at my baby, gotten frustrated and felt so so so guilty afterwards. It's a tough job.. give yourself a break.. you obviously love your kids and no, losing your temper and shouting is not something rare. A lot of loving mums and dads do that. Their kids do grow up to have secure attachments. What is important is that they know they can depend on their parents despite periods of frustration..

I have memories of shouting at a toddler DS and being driven to distraction when he was a baby.

He was a hard baby - never slept, cried for England for 6 months. Truly, parenting small children on next to no sleep is something no one would willingly volunteer for. It can take you to the very edge of sanity.

I remember putting DS safely in his cot and sitting outside on the hall stairs in our block of flats waiting for DH to come home and take over.

Not sure what I could have done better or more - and had no help from health visitors. They thought I was an anxious 1st time mum. The only useful thing they did do was a referral to Home Start. That was a real gift - still friends with those ladies now.

I used to say to my mum, I do understand how babies come to grief. My sister was a crier and she always said if she had been number 1 baby they would have stopped there. Mum dotes on babies and children, and is naturally good with them - so that's strong language coming from her. Mind you - she was a shouter and a smacker in her time - so not quite Mary Poppins.

Having a child under was the easily most extreme thing I have ever encountered/lived with. Not to say I didn't have lovely times too, but I do understand. I used to put the baby gate up to have a cup of tea in peace - lock myself in kitchen! I remember vast anger. I thought I had an anger problem - bought books on it - now I think it was just that I never got any rest from a pretty full on baby. I breast fed to age 2 and I was 'touched out'.

DS and I have (even in the hard bits) always had a great, loving relationship. I always used to apologise to him as a baby when I

We can't change the past. You were a less than saintly human being (just as I was) doing your best in challenging times. No respite.

Please don't beat yourself up. Be gentle with your past self.

Enjoy the children now.

• under 3

** yelled or got angry.

I can relate to every thing you've said , its almost like ive written this post myself. I had a terribly painful delivery with a 3rd degree tear, breastfeeding issues, unsupportive mum and confused husband.

I feel it was nothing like i imagined and my whole life turned upside down.
I now think i had PND but i have made peace with myself and my situation by being there for my kids now, spending quality time with them.
You can't change the past but you can live your present to the fullest. Im sure you are doing a gr8 job now !

I sympathise OP. Women should talk about this stuff more.

I exclusively BF and was a horrible parent when my kids were small. PND, no support, years of sleep deprivation. Try to move forwards, you sound like a great mum

@Notmyusual80

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

This post makes me Sad fir you OP Maybe you had undiagnosed PND Or read those baby books that insist on baby being in a STRICT routine (one of which was very popular 11 yah years ago ) Professionally I have worked with mums who have completely list thier confidence after trying to stick to these routines and sleep plans . Luckily things are now changed hugely and hopefully we help families be more relaxed around sleep etc snd understand a lot more why certain stages happen .. We were not meant to be super mum Doing it all no alone and broken sleep It’s no wonder mums get stressed

I haven’t read all of the posts because I was in tears just reading your post, it completely mirrors how I felt sometimes when my twins were small and I feel absolutely terrible when I think of it but I was depressed, I am still on antidepressants now and I’m a bit scared to reduce and stop them as I worry I’ll become so angry again. I feel exactly the same as you, regretful and terribly upset when i think of it but your mum should have supported and helped you if she could see you were struggling as she obviously thought it was out of character to be mentioning she wanted to shake you. Your reflection is so important for you to allow yourself the time and space to move on from it, you could even talk to your kids gently about parental non perfection, I have. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes and life can be overwhelming sometimes. Try and forgive yourself, I have but feeling bad about it means you are not a monster.

@ToastAndTea00

This is me right now :( I have a 2 year old and 3.5year old and it is HARD! I look back at my day and feel like I shout constantly. It makes me feel so sad, and everyday I vow I won’t do it again.. but I do. I adore my children, but it’s so hard, especially at the moment.. I have reached out for help. But no one understands

We’re all trying OP, don’t be hard on yourself. Motherhood is tough!

Please if you need support or just to talk message me .. I’ve looked after very young children close in ages for years and it’s tough .. if you want some tips in managing the behaviour please ask !!!

I think you need to forgive yourself. I would say that you were, at the time, suffering from some PND, and that was the underlying cause.
Please, forgive yourself, and move on. X

@Notmyusual80 I felt so sad reading this, because it hugely resonated with me. I try so hard not to live in the past, but I just look back and see a shite mother! I was 17 when I was pregnant with my first and didn’t have a clue, but ironically at the time, thought I knew it all.
I didn’t have a health visitor because I slipped through the net as I moved 300 miles away from home so there was no one really to recognise I had PND and I was a child myself I guess.
But it haunts me!
Mine are 12 & 10 now and I love them so so much. Do I ever still shout? Well yes, occasionally. Am I proud of it? No- absolutely not!
It’s a work in progress. If I have snapped, I always apologise for it and admit I’m wrong so they 1) know it’s not their fault that I have not controlled my temper, and 2) understand we should be accountable for our own actions. I guess also because I don’t want them to think it’s acceptable to shout or snap just because you’ve had a shit day or whatever.
I’m not perfect, and by god I love them so much, but I will never be the most patient person in the world and it’s still a work in progress me letting go of ‘control’ and things being done in a certain way.
This thread has made me feel better, not because I can now ‘justify’ historically being a shouty cow bag, but because I realise I am not alone and other people have too, shared my struggles. I try to look forward now and with every year of parenting that goes by, I feel I improve and get to grips with it a little bit more!

I crucified myself for years for not being good enough when mine were little. But it’s th moments where we lose it that stay with us, not all the other nurturing, loving, present times. Look at your dcs. I’m sure they are well adapted, resilient kids who maybe think of their dm as a real person, warts and all as opposed to perfect mum. Who’ll get pored over anyway in later years.

I'm amazed so many of us have been through similar experiences. Really makes me think there needs to be much wider awareness among women AND their families about the issues new mums can suffer with - clearly, there are many more complex problems than just "the baby blues".

I'm so sorry for all of you who also feel you struggled to cope. X

You are not a monster. My first thought when reading your post was that you might have had post natal depression. The fact that you have a close, loving relationship with your children speaks volumes. You are a normal mother and all mothers have regrets about some aspects of their mothering. Please, please be kind to yourself. I wonder if the strain of this very difficult year is bringing unwanted memories.

* Nobody should be making nasty comments, it’s so pointless and unhelpful. What purpose does it serve to shame someone who already feels wretched, push them over the edge? What’s best for her and her DC is the mum she is now who got through that time and whom her DC love.*

^This. The OP is expressing guilt about the past, as we all do as mums. None of us get it right all the time. She’s clearly moved past it and has a really loving relationship with her DC now, which is what really matters.

What purpose is there in making her feel crap now??

I feel like it is very sad that you didn't get the support you needed, unfortunately parenting doesn't come with a manual, none of us are perfect parents, and what is important is that you are able to look back and know that you may have reacted in a way that you wouldn't now, life is a learning process right?
It just sounds like you needed support and didn't get it, and lets face it, its the hardest job in the world isn't it parenting. You can't change the past but you can impact the now and future, you are a good enough mum, don't beat yourself up.

Just focus on being the best supportive mum u can now - I wasn't great either and I wonder if it affected my child's self esteem - I feel a little guilty about some of the food I gave her as well but am in such a better place now and find teen years easier surprisingly

I can't help wondering if this is part of why we don't have any memories much before the age of 3 years old. We experience bumps and grumpy Mums, and it's all forgotten because that's the way it should be. I always felt that I was a crap Mum, because I was so obsessed with keeping on top of the housework, etc. but then when I became a grandparent, I said 'sod the housework, I'm going to enjoy these babies', and I did! Perhaps we have to go through this to be better grandparents, I just know that any Mum who claims she never gets mad with her baby, has several nannies running around and doing everything for her! Please don't waste the years ahead regretting what you did, just enjoy what you have now, at this moment, and don't be like me, give your time to your little ones while you can.

Notmyusual80 If you're struggling to get beyond this, have you thought about seeking professional help to go through it? At the very least it would help you examine whether the guilt you are feeling is appropriate. Your GP should be able to point you in the right direction; if you're wary of reaching out to a statutory body you could contact the Samaritans, who are very good at listening without censure.

I have twins. They’re older now but when they were newborn I was so tired and remember shouting and crying. My son had reflux and screamed constantly. I remember trying everything from buying a hammock for him to sleep in, to white noise, medication, hospital. I’d had a horrendously traumatic birth which if had to have counselling for and my son hadn’t breathed for minutes. His high pitched screaming had me believing he’d been brain damaged which added to my anxiety. I became obsessed with cleaning and needing control when I used to be as laid back as a plank of wood! I was eventually diagnosed with PND. Maybe it was, maybe I was just completely exhausted. Who knows? They’re both now very well rounded people. I wish I could turn back time too but then I think/- would I cope better now? Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Sleep deprivation is a killer in itself without everything else added to the mix. I don’t know what the commments have been like on here- I can see a lot of deleted posts which makes me think that there are a lot of people who have been lucky enough not to struggle. But you did. And so did I. And so do many mothers. You feel bad because you care. That’s it. Because you love them. X