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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn down £50k?

233 replies

TigerPig89 · 21/11/2020 09:51

My partner and i have been together for more than 5 years, we have both recently reached 30, and have a baby under 1. We are more bonded for life than marriage, with our son, and not being married yet doesn't bother me, although I think it is relevant to my dilemma.

So, we are going to buy our first house. I can put in £15k of the deposit, but my partner has had many years in higher education and doesn't have as much savings.

His parents have a successful business, I'd say they are well off, but also very hard working with alot of their money probably in their business.

So his parents told us they had given money to his brother for his deposit so my partner asked to borrow £7k to bring his half of the deposit up to mine.

They offered to give us £50k as they'd done the same for his brother and wife. They said they'd rather give it now than him inherit it when they're gone.

I don't feel comfortable, I feel like our deposit should be equal or I won't feel like it's my house.

My partner isn't so sure and is thinking about accepting.

AIBU to feel uneasy about it? Or crazy to turn down the money?

Sorry for the long winded story, but would love opinions xx

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 21/11/2020 15:10

They are doing inheritance tax planning. If they give it now and live for 7 years no iht. If they sit on it and you inherit if and they are over the threshold they pay 40% tax

Bakeachocolatecaketoday · 21/11/2020 15:15

@TigerPig89 I would consider getting married (even if it's just a quick register office with noone there).

An older friend of mine who had been with his partner 25 years became ill and it was his brother who was asked to make decisions about his care as his next of kin. At that point he hadn't spoken to his brother in 30 years. They got married as soon as he was well enough to do so.

Tyzz · 21/11/2020 15:21

I think growing up and earning every scrap of what I have, with no one giving me anything has given me a bit of a complex about accepting generosity
Just because your parents were unable or unwilling to help you doesn't make it wrong for others.
I see this a lot on MN, especially when it comes to teenagers / young adult DC. People who struggled and never got any help because their parents were unable or unwilling fostering huge resentment to those who want to help their DC.
I got nothing from my parents but have gone the other way with my DC. Supported them comfortably through uni and gave them £50k each for house deposit. They were and still are responsible adults who appreciate what we have done (and plan to do the same for their own DC).

IdblowJonSnow · 21/11/2020 15:31

Take the money! I felt like you, when I was younger and with one baby. Several years later, my earnings severely impacted by having kids I feel very differently!!
I'd also consider getting married as you have way more financial benefits if anything goes tits up at any point.

gigi556 · 21/11/2020 15:40

TAKE THE MONEY. Maybe put some of the money towards new furniture or buy a doer upper and keep some of the money for capital improvements.

You'd be mad not to accept the money.

willitbetonight · 21/11/2020 15:45

As others have said tenants in common will enable you to protect your respective deposits. You are very fortunate. Don't overthink it.

AlwaysLatte · 21/11/2020 15:47

If the relationship between all of you is solid and you believe this generous offer to be made in the best intentions then I think you should accept if you would like to. Inheritance tax is harsh, and they probably don't want to see hard earned money disappear in this way. But all in all if it were me I'd let my husband take the lead on it since it's his parents.

willitbetonight · 21/11/2020 15:48

By the way when my partner and I bought our current house the £100k deposit was entirely equity from the house we were selling that was in my sole name. We weren't married then but we still bought as joint tenants as I wanted my now husband to feel like it was his home too. Not the most sensible legal decision but sometimes we make emotional decisions!!

Accept the money and get married / civil partnership.

Ilovesugar · 21/11/2020 15:56

Not married and deposit was not equal. OH way bigger than mine but i wasn’t bothered. It is still legally yours just maybe a smaller percentage. I have over paid the mortgage which makes us about equal now. Maybe consider doing that, you overpay each month by a certain amount

2pinkginsplease · 21/11/2020 17:32

Having a baby doesn’t make you any more bonded, people get pregnant through one night stands! Accidental pregnancies do happen, it doesn’t mean you will stay together forever when planning a baby. Any man or woman can walk away from the children they have. They are not a huge commitment to some people.

Definitely get legal advice about how your deposits can go back to each individual if things were to go tits up.

I certainly wouldn’t be knocking back a 50k gift.

MrsSleepyHB · 21/11/2020 18:35

You can accept the money as your partners side of the deposit and get a declaration of trust to either mark that as your owning different percentages OR that when selling the house the money is only split equally after you have both removed the initial deposit amounts out of the pot so to speak.

My husband and I had one on our first home that said the first £20K went to him before the house was split if we decided to sell and break up, as his parents gifted him that money.

AuldFox · 21/11/2020 18:58

I’m still laughing at “we had a baby and are thus more bonded than marriage and this is our commitment for life”

So no divorced parents in the world then eh? Or were they not committed enough when they had a baby, unlike you?

Legally you aren’t bonded. Please stop being so naive and inform yourself. Marriage is not some piece of paper trumped by a child.

ittakes2 · 21/11/2020 18:59

If you are in the uk it makes sense to get the money now to try and avoid inheritance tax.

BlueThistles · 21/11/2020 19:41

We are more bonded for life than marriage

and it means jack shit...

I meant we made the biggest commitment of bringing a life into the world, to demonstrate that we are in a strong long term relationship

the biggest commitment is that little bit of paper .. that both protects you and that little life you brought into the world.

CorianderLord · 21/11/2020 23:24

@murmurgam

Depends where OP is, where I am you can get a nice 3 bed semi for 150k

Yep, where I am it would be less than 125k, no stamp duty due, £1000 would cover solicitor fees and searches. Moving costs can be minimal if you don't already own and don't have to do it in one day.

Where I am a 3 bed semi would be £1m to £1.2m
S00LA · 22/11/2020 10:00

We gave our daughter £50k for a house deposit, and will be giving them another £50k when they're ready to move to a larger house

I’d recommend that you take legal advice, if you have not done so already. Because if they divorce, your ex SIL will be entitled to 50k.

Your solicitor might recommend it as a loan with a charge over the property.

I have “ lent “ rather than given to my ( single ) DD for the same reason. If she were to marry and then divorce, her ex would only get half the capital gain for the duration of their marriage and none of the money I gave her.

Please PLEASE don’t think “ he’s a nice chap who loves us like a son and he would never do that”. They are all nice chaps and they all take the money.

If he’s a nice chap then he will understand why you want to protect your DD and GC.

Fizbosshoes · 22/11/2020 10:25

Where I am a 3 bed semi would be £1m to £1.2m

Surely the price of the house is irrelevant? The OP is asking whether it's appropriate to accept her DPs parents offer.
Presumably as they are thinking of buying a house, they know potentially how much they will need to spend, and have done the relevant working out.it seems from the original post that they intended to put down 30k as a deposit , with DP asking his parents for 7k and they have offered more.

Lots of people have somehow read the question as "is 22k (although if interpreted properly, its 30k) enough for a house deposit?" And are poo-pooing the idea when in fact it would be totally feasible in some areas and nowhere near enough in other areas.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/11/2020 11:58

Sorry I didn't mean to come across so naive when I said bonded for life - I meant we made the biggest commitment of bringing a life into the world, to demonstrate that we are in a strong long term relationship - I didn't mean, I've had his baby so now he'll never leave me - I understand marriage can mean legal and financial security.

Don't worry about the nature of your phrsing, a child should be the biggest commitment you can make. The reason it gets so much commentary on here is because so very many women have been burned by the lack of financial protection.

If a civil partnership is planned then just do it. Then you'll know he's as committed as he says and, more importantly, you and the little one will be more secure. Being given the money/sharing finances makes more sense then and if at some point in the future you want an excuse for a fancy do, you can get married.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 22/11/2020 12:52

My family shares money as available for things like deposits.

Take the money - if you really feel you can't consider an offset mortgage if they still exist, have him match deposits, then put the rest in the account against the interest so you still get benefit, without him having a bigger stake in the house, plus as a couple you then have a life-raft should something terrible happen

Unhomme · 22/11/2020 14:36

Don't be ridiculous.

BlueThistles · 22/11/2020 15:12

The reason it gets so much commentary on here is because so very many women have been burned by the lack of financial protection.

indeed..... 🌺

Pinkpeanut27 · 22/11/2020 17:28

I’d let him take the money if he wants to and put as much as he needs to equal your contribution to the deposit. It’s up to him what he does with the rest of the money and you will both feel you have contributed equally to the house .

Moominmammacat · 22/11/2020 17:30

Count your blessings and take it!

ganesha · 22/11/2020 17:47

Not sure if this helps my myself and my partner had very different amounts when we bought our house. I already had a flat which I put all profits towards our house (about £130k) and he gave £20K which he got from his parents. We aren’t married and I could be screwed but our deal is if anything ever happens we each take our deposit back and then split whatever profit equally as we have both paid everything equally over the years. I cross my fingers we won’t split up and if we do that we are not too acrimonious

dderrick · 22/11/2020 17:47

Do it, or you'll pay tax on I inheritance.

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