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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn down £50k?

233 replies

TigerPig89 · 21/11/2020 09:51

My partner and i have been together for more than 5 years, we have both recently reached 30, and have a baby under 1. We are more bonded for life than marriage, with our son, and not being married yet doesn't bother me, although I think it is relevant to my dilemma.

So, we are going to buy our first house. I can put in £15k of the deposit, but my partner has had many years in higher education and doesn't have as much savings.

His parents have a successful business, I'd say they are well off, but also very hard working with alot of their money probably in their business.

So his parents told us they had given money to his brother for his deposit so my partner asked to borrow £7k to bring his half of the deposit up to mine.

They offered to give us £50k as they'd done the same for his brother and wife. They said they'd rather give it now than him inherit it when they're gone.

I don't feel comfortable, I feel like our deposit should be equal or I won't feel like it's my house.

My partner isn't so sure and is thinking about accepting.

AIBU to feel uneasy about it? Or crazy to turn down the money?

Sorry for the long winded story, but would love opinions xx

OP posts:
bluebluezoo · 21/11/2020 12:31

If you have a child with this person just get married purely for legal financial protection

Getting married doesn’t necessarily convey legal financial protection.

It only does if you have fewer assets, lower earner, or plan to give up work to raise children.

Historically, this was always the male party. But this is 2020 - the o/p says she earns more and has therefore saved 15k, while her oh hasn’t saved a penny.

If this remains the same the o/p will invest significantly more financially in to the marriage, and should they split her oh will be able to ask for half of it.

Don’t assume the woman is always the one financially protected by marriage.

PhoebeSnow · 21/11/2020 12:32

Get married for your sake and your child. Your relationship is great and hopefully will stay that way, however no one knows what may happen in the future and it’s better to have security and have the pleasure of a home, than worry about your pride or his when the money is his inheritance anyway.

Labobo · 21/11/2020 12:33

I'd accept it. You are starting a life together. They very wisely want to share their wealth now rather than it taxed away by death duties. You need the money now and it is on offer.
Don't choose to assume it comes with strings or it makes you unequal. People bring all sorts of things to a marriage - financial wealth is just one of them. Over the course of a long lifetime. there will be times when you or your family give more of your time and effort and maybe money than he does. DH's parents helped us in just the way you are saying. It meant we could buy a much nicer house than we'd budgeted for. Later on, when they were in a position to, my own parents helped us and I have spent that money updating the house. It happens to have evened out financially but even if it hadn't, I bring loads to the marriage that DH values. It's not all about the money.

Whoknowswhenlockdownwillend · 21/11/2020 12:40

You’re not as bonded as you think. You’re not even his next of kin if he dies unless you’re married.

Poppystars · 21/11/2020 12:42

You are putting in 15k.
You have a partner with zero savings currently, whose parents have given his sibling 50k.

You could take 15k for a deposit so you are equal and it is up to him what he does with the rest of his inheritance. If you take all 50k you could reduce mortgage payments or have a better choice of house? Or he can have a fancy car or put it in his own savings.

Will you always have separate finances? If not, does that make any difference?

Varjakpaw · 21/11/2020 12:49

Bonded, bound, what ever, are all meaningless financially. Get married (no frills needed) and give yourselves both and your child some financial security.

BringMeThatHorizon · 21/11/2020 12:51

We had family money towards the deposit on my side. We have a legal document that states the original deposit was a gift to me and would be returned to me in the event of a split before the rest of the equity is divided 50:50. Could you do something similar?

Original poster
TigerPig89 · 21/11/2020 12:52

Sorry I didn't mean to come across so naive when I said bonded for life - I meant we made the biggest commitment of bringing a life into the world, to demonstrate that we are in a strong long term relationship - I didn't mean, I've had his baby so now he'll never leave me - I understand marriage can mean legal and financial security.

I also don't want to come across ungrateful. I'm very very grateful, I kniw it's his money to accept and now realize I don't have any say, but that it will also benefit me for lower repayments.

I think growing up and earning every scrap of what I have, with no one giving me anything has given me a bit of a complex about accepting generosity.

A civil partnership will very likely be in our future. We aren't in a rush.

Thanks for all your advice about ringfencing the deposits.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 21/11/2020 12:55

I think growing up and earning every scrap of what I have, with no one giving me anything has given me a bit of a complex about accepting generosity.

This again makes it about you. What about your child? Aren't they an equally important family member?

yearinyearout · 21/11/2020 12:58

It's up to him to accept the money or not. If you want to put equal shares why doesn't he accept the money, put £15k towards the deposit and invest/save the rest for a rainy day?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/11/2020 13:00

I think you need to look at that life bnd and work out where you end and he starts. HIS parents have offered HIM money, the same amount his DB was given and, for some inexplicable reason, you think you have the right to turn it down on his behalf.

That leaves you with the financial upper hand in your relationship.

That leaves you forever with a bigger % of the home you will share

That leaves you with a lot more potential power over what does and does not happen with the house.

I doubt your partner feels 100% comfortable with that and, to be honest, aside from the apparent naivety, he may come to resent you for that interference.

As others have pointed out, get some proper legal advice, including how to make things legally equal when not married. After the warm glow has worn off you bonding won't protect either of you financially, so get it all down on paper!

Eckhart · 21/11/2020 13:01

We are more bonded for life than marriage

Then there is no issue.

UntamedWisteria · 21/11/2020 13:07

OP, we were in a similar situation 20 years ago.

Had 1 DC, weren't married, and bought a house together with unequal deposits. In our case, I had a larger deposit but DH had a better paid job so paid a larger share of the mortgage.

We had our solicitor draw up a legal agreement setting everything out clearly and how things would be divided up if we split or sold the house. At the same time we made a will - which you must do as well OP, if you haven't already, especially if you aren't married with a DC together - which said what would happen to the house if one or both of us died.

As it turned out we did get married a couple of years later and are still together with 2 DC both adults now.

Let your DP take the money and make life better for you family. Life's hard enough at the moment as it is!

KarmaNoMore · 21/11/2020 13:08

We are more bonded for life than marriage

That is true, until either one decides they have a “life to live” and you will know that a piece of paper holds more weight than love and children together.

Ismellphantoms · 21/11/2020 13:13

I thought I was bonded for life as we had a child. Six years later he found the grass was greener elsewhere. As soon as the register office reopens, get in there quick. As he's not married you already, you've got to ask yourself why. It does show a lack of commitment and is therefore worrying.

eatlessmovemore · 21/11/2020 13:38

Take it from someone who's been there, we were very bonded very much in love couldn't live without each other etc etc - he put the deposit down I'm a sahm so haven't contributed, for me it always felt like his house and his money which resulted in a split ( not the only reason ) his mum treated it like " his " house not like our house and also started to treat me different too,since buying the house I have never felt his equal !

laudemio · 21/11/2020 13:49

Of course he should take it, it will probably put you know a better LTV bracket which will save you both interest. He can always ring-fence the extra deposit he puts in with a solicitor.
Also you should get married for all the legal benefits, being next of kin, easier to sort things out if one of you became ill or died unexpectedly. I know that's grim to think about but it can and does happen.

Coldilox · 21/11/2020 13:49

It totally depends on the people involved.

We bought our first home ourselves. We wanted to love to a nicer area and buy bigger to allow us to start a family. Our first house had gone down in value (we still had equity as we’d been overpaying the mortgage, but it didn’t give us a great deposit for the next house). PILs had just retired and sold their business, and they offered us £50k. No strings. I adore my PILs and was happy they wouldn’t want input into what house we bought. I offered to have a deed of trust drawn up to ring fence the £50k but my wife refused saying it was our money and our home. PILs made it clear it was a gift to both of us.

So we did it and it was great, and we’ve just sold that house and bought another with £150k equity. We own equally. I pay more on the mortgage as I earn more, but money doesn’t come into it, we are equal.

If you think it will cause issues though, I wouldn’t.

And you should get married.

VinylDetective · 21/11/2020 14:11

We aren't in a rush.

Then you should be. It’s important. That’s why countless pps have told you this. It’s the most important piece of paper you’ll ever have.

hettie · 21/11/2020 14:22

I never wanted get married, I was/am very much not into the stupid semi religious overly sentimental highly idealised crap of 'the big day'. I'm also a 'screw the patriarchy' kind girl... But I took a long cold hard look at the legal ramifications for me and my kids of not being married. I really really urge you to do this. I am now married (minus the frilly frock wedding and name changing crap) and am glad. As others have said don't be sentimental about this, it's not even all about what happens if you split....

Merryhobnobs · 21/11/2020 14:25

We bought out house when I was heavily pregnant with our first child. My husband had the entire deposit. He had inherited some money as well as saved. We were not married at the time but there was no question that the house was equally ours. We did eventually get married but we made when we bought our house it was legally ours.

1950s1 · 21/11/2020 14:33

Get him to put down the 7k for the house and keep the rest in savings

IracebethOfCrims · 21/11/2020 14:38

It depends on the relationship you and your partner have with his parents.
If you are sure it’s a ‘no strings’ gift then think about accepting. They want to treat your partner and his brother equally which is important.

You can always have an agreement drawn up on how you’ll split the equity in the house if you separated.

If you think the his parents will hold it over you or use it to manipulate you/your choices etc, then politely decline.

MintyCedric · 21/11/2020 14:52

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

I would stop to consider if it came with strings. Does mil have a key to bil's house? Is she always popping in unannounced? Will she expect to choose furnishings?? Has been known in a post some years ago!!
This kind of thing would be my main concern.

You can have legal docs drawn up about ring fencing deposits etc...you can do much to stop your in laws being a pain in the arse!

I'd have a chat with the wife of your partner's brother before committing to anything.

VodselForDinner · 21/11/2020 15:06

You sound frightfully naive.

Whether you take the money or not (and I personally wouldn’t given that you’ll be in a situation where your boyfriend has a much larger equity stake should you split and have to sell), make sure your ring fence your own deposit adequately.