To be absolutely furious with DH?

[Blueskiesdazzleme]

DH and I have been married 20 years, have 4 DC - 3 at school, eldest at Uni. He has a DS from a previous relationship who has always visited regularly but is much older - 27 now. He has recently split up from his girlfriend in a horrible way (he doesn’t want to move in with her after they spent years saving up for a deposit living with her parents). He resigned from his job without having another to go to and has been out of work since March. His mother has gotten sick of it and asked him to leave, he’s staying with a friend. Found out yesterday through my eldest DD that DH has been bankrolling him for a few months, paying him £1k a month!! DH also paying for therapy for him as he has a lot of guilt at not being with him as he grew up. He has now spent some of the money on a car he doesn’t need. DH has also found him a job with a friend of his. The money has been wasted it’s not gone towards renting a place or a deposit. My DD spent the summer working in a supermarket while he wasn’t working. I just cancelled a UK trip as we couldn’t afford it, DH has been asking me to pay for kids’ activities as he has had a dip in income due to the pandemic. I work p/t and I am furious that DH didn’t ask me before he spent this money on his son. He hasn’t been paying it from the joint account or I would have seen. We both have separate accounts other than the joint one. AIBU?

He isnt being unreasonable in wanting to help his son if his son is essentially homeless (though I'm not sure bunging him cash without any stipulations is the best way to go about it). If your finances are joint, and he has been asking to you pay more than you normally do and not telling you why then yes this is shit - he is effectively getting you to subsidise his payments to his son without your knowledge and that's not really transparent or honest

I'd do the same for any child of mine. However he can't be spending your money

He shouldn't have hidden it from you, especially when things are tight for you financially. But also it's not unreasonable that he wants to help his son. The job and the therapy in particular are perfectly reasonable. The 1k a month is more debatable, it should have been a conversation between the two of you.

Paying for the therapy is one thing, and I understand his son may have asked him for his discretion around that. Even helping him with living costs if he was actually trying to get back on his feet would be ok, but any of the above whilst hiding it from you and you are all going without to make ends meet is unacceptable, add to that the soon at 27 is refusing to even try and get a job to pay his way is infuriating.

I’d be raging. He’s supporting an adult who could be working at the expense of his school-age children and lying to his wife about it. Inexcusable. He can’t afford what he’s been giving his older child or you wouldn’t need to pick up the slack for his younger ones.

How did your DD find out?

YANBU to feel annoyed that he didn't discuss this with you, or even let you know about it, especially if it has caused you to cut back on some other things due to there being less money in the family kitty. However, I think it's good that he has stepped up to help his son out, and if he is a much higher earner than you and has still been paying enough into the joint account to fund most of the bills, then in a way I suppose it's his choice. So, I've mixed feelings about this one, but the fact he wasn't open with you about it and the way he has bankrolled his son in such a generous way, when his son seems to be taking advantage, would annoymme too. You need to discuss this with DH calmly, and try to meet him halfway on this, because he clearly feels some guilt for the way his son has turned out, but seems to be overcompensating now. Also, if his son is one of life's takers, happy to let others take the strain for him, then he might be something of a money pit/leach.

What's your agreement with your husband about money - do you put everything in the same pot? Do you check with each other before making big purchases from your free money?

If he's paying it out of his 'free' money then is it different from buying an expensive treatment?

Taking money out of your dependant families finances so you cant afford to look after them and your school age children have to work so you can give a full grown adult who refuses to work a thousand pounds a month spending money is fucking insane!

I'd be fuming. A thousand pound a month for someone not even paying rent?! How dare he take that money from your family pot.

What happened to all the money the son saved for the house deposit?

YANBU to be angry that he kept this a secret from you. YABU to blame him for helping his son who seems to be in a desperate situation, and in poor mental health; and this is a time when it would be much more difficult than usual for the son to go out and earn his own money.

I would be really mad. Not that he’s been paying for counselling but to just ‘bank roll’ him for months without talking to you is shit.
You need to have a serious talk. Good luck, I hope you all resolve it.

So am I right in understanding he has been paying less then normal into the joint account because of this? if then you have every right to be mad

If it is his personal money then at the end of the day it is his to spend. He does still have some at least moral responsibility to his son even if he is 27

@nemeton

What happened to all the money the son saved for the house deposit?

I was thinking that too!

I would be furious at the lack of consultation.
Absolutely furious.

OP. Wish you the best. I would be apoplectic at this.

@unmarkedbythat not sure but depending on the reason and how they split he might have felt she was in some way entitled to the money I guess

What happened to the house deposit?
It’s his son he’s not going to cut him loose esp Seeing he was an absent dad
You’ve said dh using his own individual monies to support son,not joint acc. That’s ok then, he doesn’t need your permission but for transparency he should have told you.

your dh is out of order for keeping this a secret and your step son seems like a lazy arse. ...Also presuming the stepson was also not pulling his weight in his own relationship or house deposit funding either...maybe that explains the nasty break up and complete lack of ability to support himself?

So yes he has been putting his usual amount into the joint account to cover our expenses, as have I but he has been moaning about how little he has coming in overall from his business which can’t be true as he was bankrolling his son. DD found out as she was chatting online with him and he mentioned that DH had been giving him this money and paying for the therapy but that DH needed the therapy himself! The deposit money on his part never existed - he wasn’t saving and had checked out of it all hence why they split up. She on the other hand managed to save 5k. I would have no problem if this money was going towards rent or a deposit on a flat and if he had asked me about it but I think he has been so disrespectful in not discussing it with me and giving me a false impression about his current income. We would normally discuss any kind of big expenditure whether from the joint account or our own ones, definitely anything more than £300-£400 and this is way more. He is being ridiculous now and comparing it to me taking my 6 year old on a few days away to a theme park earlier this year. I am livid and can’t even look at him. Thank you for your responses everyone.

He is being ridiculous now and comparing it to me taking my 6 year old on a few days away to a theme park earlier this year.

He's being ridiculous full stop! 1k a month? And you're all having to cut back? Wow.

It is his money and he is free to spend it as he sees fit. It was not right of him to keep this a secret from you but it might also be something his DS wanted to keep private

@TwentyViginti he was still putting his normal amount into the family account

He obviously didn’t want to keep it private or he wouldn’t have told my DD!

What do you think should happen now then?

@IveNameChangedAgain2020

I'd do the same for any child of mine. However he can't be spending your money

I agree.

The issue is him hiding it from you. However, hopefully it won't be for long.

I don't know how your son found out but it would have been wiser had he not told you. That is a bit....mischievious, for want of a better word. As if he wanted to make trouble.

1k per month is a hell of a lot of money! I'd be fuming too. Would he do the same for the children you have together when they're older?