To be absolutely furious with DH?

[Blueskiesdazzleme]

DH and I have been married 20 years, have 4 DC - 3 at school, eldest at Uni. He has a DS from a previous relationship who has always visited regularly but is much older - 27 now. He has recently split up from his girlfriend in a horrible way (he doesn’t want to move in with her after they spent years saving up for a deposit living with her parents). He resigned from his job without having another to go to and has been out of work since March. His mother has gotten sick of it and asked him to leave, he’s staying with a friend. Found out yesterday through my eldest DD that DH has been bankrolling him for a few months, paying him £1k a month!! DH also paying for therapy for him as he has a lot of guilt at not being with him as he grew up. He has now spent some of the money on a car he doesn’t need. DH has also found him a job with a friend of his. The money has been wasted it’s not gone towards renting a place or a deposit. My DD spent the summer working in a supermarket while he wasn’t working. I just cancelled a UK trip as we couldn’t afford it, DH has been asking me to pay for kids’ activities as he has had a dip in income due to the pandemic. I work p/t and I am furious that DH didn’t ask me before he spent this money on his son. He hasn’t been paying it from the joint account or I would have seen. We both have separate accounts other than the joint one. AIBU?

whilst the rest of the family cope with the Shortfall Yes the tragedy, the little one only got a few days at a theme park, it's a hard life. Maybe their mother should get a fulltime job?

I think we are only hearing part of the story. You don’t seem to like your husbands son. He is described as ‘much older’ , but he’s only what maybe 9 years older than your eldest? And he is your husband’s son not your step son. And he dumped his girlfriend is a horrible way (irrelevant really). Maybe your husband didn’t tell you because he knows that you don’t like him.

No one needs 1k a month to live on when he's not even paying rent ! has his son got some kind of problem - gambling/ debts etc ? As others have said it's perfectly understandable he would want to help with therapy.

@ancientgran

whilst the rest of the family cope with the Shortfall Yes the tragedy, the little one only got a few days at a theme park, it's a hard life. Maybe their mother should get a fulltime job?

Maybe the mother looks after the younger kids and does school pick ups and drop offs so he can facilitate his job fully.

Op I think he’s taking the piss giving him 1k a month considering he made a choice to leave his job, fuck over his gf by pretending to save but never actually doing it and not working all summer. Combine that with the fact his own mother chucked him out.

It’s all his own fault and he’s a grown man. He should grow up. Why is your daughter working all summer for money and his son is getting it handed to him ? When all he’s done is be a Twat.

To top it off you now can’t afford the holiday as there isn’t enough money and you are having to pay for the kids extra activities because he’s lied to you about having a ‘dip’ in income.

Um, would you feel this way if he supported one of your children like this when they grew up? Or would you happily decide that your parenting days are over when your child struggles at 27?

My sister has depression and a myriad of mental health issues. My mum has paid a lot towards her while I work because I am capable of working while she isn’t. Why do you think your bio kids deserve more than his?

@BlueThistles

Good for him helping his son, it is what a parent does. I bet you'd expect him to help your kids.

He's not helping him..

he's supporting an adult that walked out of a job.. he's paying for private therapy.... for an adult that saved Zero whilst his partner saved £5K.. and is lounging on a mates sofa...whilst he hands over a Thousand Pounds a month.... since MARCH... 8 months.. £8K handed over already....

whilst the rest of the family cope with the Shortfall..

Since it is his son then he can decide whether and how he wishes to support him and whether is it helpful or not.

The son may have depression from the sounds of it. Thank goodness he has a supportive parent.

I would be interested to know why it is suddenly alright for his step mother to be complaining about how her partner treats his own son with his own money.

@Noti23

Um, would you feel this way if he supported one of your children like this when they grew up? Or would you happily decide that your parenting days are over when your child struggles at 27?

My sister has depression and a myriad of mental health issues. My mum has paid a lot towards her while I work because I am capable of working while she isn’t. Why do you think your bio kids deserve more than his?

Struggles ?

He screwed over his gf and then quit his own job before having anything else lined up sounds like it’s his own doing and less of a ‘struggle’.

His own mum tossed him out as she was so fed up. Sounds like he’s being an asshole instead of ‘struggling’.

Judging by the tone of your post it is obvious why your DH felt he couldn’t tell you he was supporting his son. His son is clearly struggling at the moment and needs support. I am sure you would expect the same for your children.
It is also the case that his son will have some emotional fall out from his parents divorce so why should your DH not wish to make amends.

You sound very critical of his son and not at all supportive. B
Very unkind.

His son needs his help. Your husband is doing what any caring parent would do regardless of the age of the offspring. Your husband has the resources to help his son out and he is doing that.
You don't seem to like your stepson from the way you've written about him. I guess your husband knew you wouldn't like to help him and so he didn't mention it.
A decade later if your eldest finds herself in a similar situation I'm sure you'll help her out and not be "absolutely furious" about it.

His son needs his help

No. He needs a kick up the arse, to apologise to his ex and to get stuck into the job his dad’s got for him. He sounds useless. He’s 27 ffs. He needs to stop taking ridiculous hand outs and start standing on his own two feet.

It’s not help at the moment, it’s rank enabling.

Just reading your OP again.....

DH also paying for therapy for him as he has a lot of guilt at not being with him as he grew up.

It looks like you're not aware of the issues his DS is dealing with...as many dads leave, but the fact that his DS is engaging in therapy indicates there's probably a lot you're not aware of. He may have confided about some of his issues and therapy was suggested. It's good that he's seeing a professional.

You mention your DH feels guilt.... maybe some of the issues with hus DS are as a result of this. Divorce/family split should not mean his dad wasn't around for him...but it sounds like that was the case.

Perhaps his DS was scared to make a commitment with his GF...as buying the house is the first step and usually marriage or kids or kids and marriage...either way round.

That may well be a trigger for his own upbringing and bring up the feelings of abandonment he felt when his dad left.

Think about this from your DH's perspective for a moment.....

Your DH left his Ex/relationship ended while his DS was very young, so while your H was and is present for your DC.... he didn't see his first child much after the split....my estimation is his DS was between 3 - 5 years old when his dad left....perhaps your DH feels £1k a month for 8 months in the grand scheme of things (his absence and the impact on his DS) is a small amount to pay.

It doesn't sound like his DH has been a strong source of support to his DS growing up and sees this as his opportunity to redeem himself as a father and be there, as he wasn't in his younger years.

He has now spent some of the money on a car he doesn’t need.

How do you know he doesn't need it? Is the car sitting there unused?
At least it's something tangeable.

I do feel it is enabling - for those posters who have asked why I don’t work f/t, I do all the school runs, all the school related activities, all the extra curricular activities, all the kids’ meals and washing/cleaning so I think I do pretty well to work 3 days in a highly stressful job. My DH could not run his business if I didn’t pick up all the slack at home. Of course I would help my eldest DD if she needed it in 9 years but I would always expect her to get a job, I would not just be handing out money unless there was a very good reason she couldn’t work. My DH has not given me any reason why no job has been looked for or found in the last 6 months when my 18 year old found one in a few weeks for the whole summer. I would also discuss helping her with my DH and work out how much we should give her and what she’d be using it for. None of that has happened here which is why I am angry. DH was also not married previously there was no divorce. He never lived with my stepson’s mother, they weren’t together when she found out she was pregnant.
I do like his son, he’s a nice funny person but he’s also lazy and has no work ethic. I wasn’t brought up like that, neither was my DH and I don’t bring my own DC up like that - so I find his attitude hard to understand.

I do understand DH feels guilty at not being around as much when he was young, I think the PP was right that he has compensated by doing this but I just don’t think it is doing his son any favours. I don’t appreciate being lied to and yes he has put same amount in joint account but said there isn’t enough extra for a holiday so so cancelled it and I’ve had to cover kids’ activities as apparently he had a dip in income - well I know why now!!

Re the car - we are in London - there is a great public transport network. The insurance and running costs will be extortionate. No doubt DH will be expected to cover those too. The money was apparently needed to get him back on his feet, so DH says - can’t see how the car has helped with that and obviously he didn’t need as much as he said.

YANBU! I'd be livid, bordering on dealbreaking for me. I totally understand him wanting to help out his son but I don't think it's ok to do so if it means your dependant children are suffering because of it - no way. His 27yo can go out and get a job, his school aged kids can't.
And I'm sure any parent would help our their kids if they felt they needed it (fwiw it doesn't sound like he needs, more wants) but a good parent wouldn't do it at the expense of their other kids. That's making one more important than others.

His son is clearly struggling at the moment

nothing clear about it...

but what IS clear.. is that he's happy to scrounge ... 🌺

perhaps your DH feels £1k a month for 8 months in the grand scheme of things (his absence and the impact on his DS) is a small amount to pay
Also this is utter fucking nonsense. He could of been the world's worst father to his son then hand him a million and he wouldn't have made up for it as you can't compensate for poor parenting financially. It's a very grabby greedy typical mumsnetty outlook

Sorry, but I’d do the same if it were my son. Doesn’t matter how old they get or how much shit the get into , they’re still your child. Clearly his mother is happy to see him homeless tho.

I’d consider discussing with your dh halving the family load, expecting your dh to pull his weight and going back to full time work. If your dh isn’t interested in being fair about funding all of his children you need to do more of the earning. If he thinks that he can’t do half the childcare Cooking cleaning etc and his job he could think about dropping to 4 days.

The money has been wasted it’s not gone towards renting a place or a deposit.
I completely disagree that this money has been wasted, it's clear that the son needs help and it's great that his dad is stepping up to the plate here.

1k a month what the hell was he spending it on as his dad was paying for the therapy on top Not added in.

27 no parents don’t bank roll them they do help but not at 1K a month ffs. When does the money stop when they marry when they have their own kids when the grown as adult child decide.

Kids come from broken families all over parents deal with it as do kids

If the sons situation was genuine, why lie about it? Why did both the mum and girlfriend throw him out?

Surely there are times when tough love is needed, rather than enabling? Paying for therapy is fair enough but paying him to do nothing does not seem very constructive or helpful in the long run.

£1000 a month is huge. A car in London when you are not working is ridiculous. What are the other kids supposed to make of this - it sends a very poor message.

What type of upbringing did the son have if he needs therapy ?

Can he afford to do this for all the children in due course?

My parents were very loving and supportive but we were told in no uncertain terms after university and a professional qualification we were “on our own” financially - though could live at home if really stuck.

Remember the cold shock of that realisation but it spurs you on. They had a moderate income and younger children not enough in the pot. you simply can’t support healthy working age adults. When does it end?

The car is enraging you don’t need a car in London